How to Cyber: Step 01

Well, I already wrote about how to I stumbled into the wonderful world of cybersex...for those out there who want the benefit of my trial-and-error learning, I offer the following, for what it's worth! I've included a few personal anecdotes, but everyone's identity has been disguised.

First things first- How do you meet someone?

If you're female looking for a male partner, finding someone couldn't be easier...just make up a sexy and descriptive username and register on Literotica discussion boards...even if you don't post much, you'll probably find lots of charming invitations in your inbox soon.

(Personal anecdote- "I want to [fill in the blank] you, email me" is not the kind of charming invitation that is likely to get you an eager response, believe it or not)

I would imagine that the guys also get a certain amount of this...and they also seem to be pretty proactive about reading the boards and stories and sending private messages to say hi and see if they get a nibble.

My best advice...don't think about meeting someone...think of meeting someone compatible!

If you aim low, you might wish you hadn't bothered! Bad cyber can be just as bad, and nearly as awkward, as bad real-life sex!

(Personal anecdote- Having to limp through an encounter with a grammatically-challenged horny selfish demanding guy with an extremely limited vocabulary is enough to make anyone swear off cybersex for good...luckily, I am the stubborn type, and the next partner was a much better match)

Cybersex has some benefits that real-life sex doesn't have. Geography is not a problem (except for those pesky time differences). Age (providing you are both LEGAL) doesn't matter...as long as you don't mind taking some time to learn about/ explain age-related cultural references. Physical, um, discrepecies can basically be ignored. Essentially, cybersex relationships offer a great chance to get past all of the outside trappings- age, culture, geography, finances, what-have-you, that keep us apart as people, and get to know someone you might never have had the opportunity to meet in real life.

(Personal anecdote- and YES, you can become great real-life friends!! Let other people look at you weird because you look like you have nothing in common! Nope, he's not my student or my son...he's not even my Net BF anymore...he's graduated to being my FRIEND (withOUT benefits...LOL). When we met in person, it felt a bit strange at first, but once we started talking we laughed our BUTTS off...nice to find someone so compatible in spite of those silly outward differences...hi, Baby!)

The ONE best way to make sure that you have a positive experience with cybersex is to meet someone compatible from the start. That's easier said than done...most of us have to kiss a few (nice, sincere, but just NOT compatible) frogs along the way. Nothing wrong with that, but if you want to keep your frog ratio low, here are a few hints-

1) To up your odds of meeting a great match first time out, DON'T wait 'til you've had half a bottle of Chardonnay and need it bad to start looking. You CAN meet someone nice that way...after all, they are probably just feeling lonely and out there looking just like you...but there are probably better ways. If you DO manage to stumble into a meeting that is not what you had in mind, be kind!! Remember, it may be virtual sex, but the people and their feelings are REAL.

2) just like dating, look for somewhere that has a sexy atmosphere and nice people, rather than a cyber meatmarket. Literotica personals are great, or the discussion board, or the chatroom. If you have other recommendations, post and let folks know.

3) try to make a connection on a human level. If you read a story you love, write and compliment the author (no, that's not a hint, guys...my dance card is filled! You will get a polite thank-you, though), or if someone posts something that you relate to, send them a private message to say hi.

4) suss out the other person as much as possible BEFORE you contact them. Find out what they've written about themselves in their profile. Read their other posts. Read their stories. A little mystery can be nice, too, so don't write off people who haven't posted much info about themselves...some folks are shy.

5) don't be pushy!!! This is one of the worst ways to lose a nice potential partner. You don't know the other person's circumstances...but almost everyone on Earth has heard something creepy about online relationships. Respect their privacy, and if they don't reply to your messages, don't take it personally, and don't get hurt or upset...take the high road, and ride off into the sunset (to the Land of Mixed Metaphors!).

(Personal anecdote- I had a guy I thought I could trust THREATEN me!!! I IMMEDIATELY asked him to explain what the HELL he thought he was doing and why he would say such a thing to someone who had only shown him kindness. When he tried to make light of it, I broke it off with him. Be VERY careful about giving out personal information, and at the first HINT of creepiness, NAIL them on it...If they can't explain, buh-BYE!)

6) Let the other person keep control. In the case of online chat, that means to let your partner add you on Messenger without asking them to let you add them...unless they ask, or until after you know one another better. That way, they can block you unilaterally if they choose.

7) So, you've got yourself a potential cyberpartner...now what? Just like early dates, early chats are your chance to build a nice foundation for future hot times...and, if you are lucky, for a sweet, spicy, hot, healing relationship that will be great for both of you. Don't be pushy...be flirty and take things easy at first. At the same time, try not to ignore your partner's signals...if they are coming on too strong for you, say so, in a light, humorous way at first, but don't get pushed into anything that feels bad for you. If they drop a flirty hint, don't ignore it...respond in some way. Chatting, then chatting about sexy topics with a bit of flirting, and eventually letting nature take its course, and before you know it, you'll be having full-blown cybersex! If you guys skip all the steps and jump one another's virtual bones, don't get all freaked out! Never be afraid to email the next day and say "wow! should we go back and tell each other our names?"

8) Remember that the feelings involved can be 100% real...If you find yourself falling head over heels, remember that at least part of what you are falling for is your IMAGE of your partner. The better you get to know them, the more you will figure out that they are no more perfect than you are. Again, be kind. It's very nice to learn that it's possible to have a hot, bouncy, happy, healing sexual connection with a fellow flawed human being...heck, that knowledge might even carry over into your real life relationships.

For more of my thoughts on cybersex, especially ethical, emotional and technological issues, see my story, "How to Break All the Cybersex Rules"

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