After writing Blowjobs for Dummies and How to Eat Pussy Like a Champ, these ‘How To’ articles are becoming habit forming for me! However, I’ve received some of the most wonderful, kindest feedback that a writer could ever ask for, and I’m grateful.
One thing I’ve been asked to write about – very often – is talking dirty. The kind of erotic talk that heats things up in bed – on the floor, over the kitchen sink – wherever.
I do understand the fascination with it. Hearing is of course one the five senses, and along with sight, touch, smell and taste, can add to the excitement and enjoyment of having sex. If you’re into it, dirty talk – and mind you I don’t think it’s dirty at all – can make good sex better, and great sex down right memorable.
In the classic porn film, "Talk Dirty To Me," starring the incomparable John Leslie, his dirty talk drives women absolutely wild. They’re out of control, fucking and sucking him, without really even knowing why. It turns them on so much that even though they don’t originally want him, they can’t help themselves. Does it
really
work this way? With the right people and done properly, I believe it can. So read on.
First, I need to point out that although I’ve had my share of experience, I don’t hold myself out as an ‘expert.’ Then again, is there a degree one can get for dirty erotic talk? I haven’t seen it in any of the adult evening classes at the local college. Like anyone else, my experience has been through personal trial and error, reading and hearing an awful lot of suggestions from literotica readers and sexual addicts such as myself and being a devout student of erotic human behavior. So I guess, in a sense, I’m as much of an expert as anyone else.
By the way, you’ll notice I call it dirty ‘erotic’ talk. In the future I’ll just try and shorten it to dirty talk. It’s just that here in NJ, you hear dirty talk on the radio, at the deli, and especially in traffic, along with dirty gestures. None of it is erotic. At least I don’t think it’s
supposed
to be, unless "that was
my
parking spot, you motherfucker" turns you on.
Before we get started, a quick mission statement. Why this article? Done right, talking dirty to your lover can be a powerful aphrodisiac. It can bring out hidden desires and fantasies in both men and women. It can be hot – oh man, you have no idea how hot – and add an aspect to sex that kicks it up several notches. I promise. The rules are, there are no rules. But I have some suggestions and observations that can get you on the right track and get you going. After that, it’s up to you my friends. You don’t want me there as a coach…
What is dirty talk anyway? What is considered dirty? Is it, "mmm, that feels so good," or "get on your knees and suck my cock you whore." The answer is – both, depending on who’s talking and who’s listening. One person’s dirty is another’s mild. To yet another person, it’s downright perverted and filthy. This is important to keep in mind.
On one end of the spectrum, you have sex so silent that it could qualify for a covert operation behind enemy lines. I think there are some concrete reasons for this speechless sex. A) Either one or both of the parties feels uncomfortable or embarrassed about sex. B) Either one or both of the parties feels uncomfortable or embarrassed about any talking during sex because of upbringing, religious beliefs or what have you. C) There is a high level of inexperience. D) Nobody knows what to say or how to get started.
The remarkable thing about it, which always perplexes me, it that some of these men whose mouths are sewn shut during sex won’t stop talking during a sporting event. Their excitement is overwhelming. They yell, scream and jump up and down when a touchdown is scored or a home run hit. And some of the women just won’t get off the phone with their friends and family. But get them in bed – wham – you shut them right up.
The middle ground would consist of some moaning and groaning, perhaps a little, "yes" or "that feels good" here and there. These people clearly enjoy sex, and may benefit from this article the most, but don’t want to or know how to take it to the next level.
The other end of the spectrum, God bless it, is when the lady expresses herself in a dignified manner such as, "I want to suck your cock like a ten dollar whore," and the man replies "That’s right, baby, I want to taste the juices flowing from your cunt." It’s hot, tasty, salty sex. My favorite kind, I’d like to add!
Any or all of these variations are fine, as long as the people involved are satisfied. And if you want to get on this train, if you’ve been looking for a way to add that extra ingredient to augment your sex life, read on.
Dodger’s manager Tommy Lasorda was once asked, "Did you ever think in your wildest dreams that you’d be in the World Series?" and replied "My wildest dreams have nothing to do with baseball." Well put.
The point is that if your girl asks you to "talk dirty" to them and you say, "Fuck me hard and long, I want to cum on your face, you slut," she may
freak
because what she expected to hear was "I can’t wait to be inside you." If she says "suck my cunt lips until I scream your name, I want to be your cock whore," he may be shocked, because to
him
, dirty is, "Do me, honey." In either case, expectation is far from reality and may be embarrassing enough to prevent either one from ever trying to talk dirty again.
Obviously, it would be better to have some idea of what the other person would like to hear before you say "I’m gonna spank your nasty ass ‘til you squeal like a pig" to a monastery candidate. Before you begin to talk dirty to your lover, ask yourself, what kind of a person are they? Are they easily offended by harsh language or do they swear like a truck driver (no offense)? Do they appear to be open minded in other ways, about oral sex or different positions for example? How do they like their sex? Fast, furious and balls to the walls, or slow and tender? This can at least give you some kind of gauge where to start experimenting.
Warning
- do not judge a book by its cover. I’ve known some girls who were demure and seemingly innocent at work or school. But once the passions of desire had been stoked – they played with live ammo - pass the Vaseline, duct tape and batteries, we’re having a party!
If your adventures in talking dirty start with your lover asking you to do it, ask them what they have in mind, what they’d like you to say. If this is too embarrassing for them, ask them to write it down. I’ve always been more comfortable writing than saying it, too. I once knew a girl, wonder where she is now, who would leave me little notes in private places telling me what she wanted to do to me. It was a different kind of dirty talk, sure, but it got me fired up all right. More on that later.
You can always start out slow. No one expects to go from silence to waking the neighbors with your screams in just one night. It would seem too labored, too artificial as well. I believe it would be more natural to begin with light fare, such as "yeah, that feels
really
good." One of my absolute favorites is the simple, elegant and unfailingly hot, "Oh God." You don’t get an "Oh God" unless your doing really well. Maybe an "Oh," possibly an "Oh my," but when you get a nod the to Big Guy, you’re on the right track.
Once you start out slow and comfortable, see how that goes, where it takes you, and decide to move on or not. If you are the instigator, it usually follows that you begin the dirty talk, and your lover gets the idea. If they don’t, try asking them questions which will prompt a response, such as "How does that feel baby, is that good?" Or, "Do you like it when I do that?" Again, if you like the idea of dirty talk and want to make it a regular part of your sexual behavior, it’s far better to start slow, even though you may want to blurt out, "Your cock is so big I feel like I’m being fucked by a horse," which I don’t hear often enough for some strange reason beyond my comprehension," or even, "spread those ass cheeks wide, doctor enema is coming in for a landing." Outrageously dirty talk is wild fun, and can spice the hell out of a sexual liaison, but it can truly turn off the uninitiated, so be cautious at first.
Which brings me to another very important issue. What you do in the bedroom
stays
in the bedroom. It may be OK for you to call her ‘your slut whore’ when you’re fucking, or for her to call you her daddy (oh baby!), but not back I the real world. You do
that
and you’ll spoil your bedroom fun in the long run. Unless your lover likes it, leave it in bed. She may want to be treated like a naughty little girl who likes to be punished in bed, tied up, blindfolded, whip out the vibrator and…don’t get me started, but you should separate fantasy from reality.
Just to clarify a little further though, when I say keep it in bed, I mean keep it in the
