How to Seduce a Dwarven Princess

Almost every man does have that thought at least twice a day as we all know, but may be reluctant to confess: When will I meet my first dwarven princess? And how will I seduce the beardy beauty? Okay, maybe one or two of us males didn't have that alluring thoughts about bearded woman yet, but we don't talk about elf-lovers here or other confused people. Well, back to the theme.

How do we recognize a dwarven princess when we see her? First of all she'll have an axe, and a rather sharp one. That's the most important part, keep it in mind. We'll come back to that particular topic once or twice.

Next she's small and rather sturdy. I guess the average one is about three cubic feet. And of course she'll have that alluring beard that so makes our hearts beat so much faster when we think about women! But do take care: The male dwarves also wear beards, and they have axes also. If you by mistake try to make love to a male dwarf, he'd be very tempted to kiss you back, but with his axe. That could hurt a bit and may discourage you from further wanting to seduce a dwarven princess, but please don't give up so easily over a lost limb or two, the beardy princesses are really worth such minor sacrifices.

Okay, so how do we tell if it's an alluring female under that wonderful beard or a grumpy male dwarf? They don't wear dresses, mind you! Well, you can use the valued trial and error method by simply fingering under that beard, but you may run out of limbs if you have a streak of bad luck. Also, dwarven females are more rare than males, so you'd guess against some odds. You'll need something better it seems. Of course you may watch a nudist beach carefully and wait for a strong wind to lift that beard - did I mention it's very alluring? - but that may cost you some time and you may not have an eon to spare.

But rest assured, oh reader, for you don't really have to check under that (yes, I also think of it as alluring) beard, for we don't want to make love to just any dwarven female, but to a dwarven princess, and that makes things much easier. You simply have to watch for - that telltale little crown! Yes, it's that simple! Why did you not get it yourself, I wonder? Well, that's why I'm helping you after all, and I want to earn some money with the little book you are reading now of course.

So now we have identified our princess, how do you move forward once you've found her? Well, that's the hard part. And I'm not talking about her hard nipples, at least not right now, but more in a general way. They have that axe I mentioned above, mind you. You didn't forget it? Good. It'll get important again.

So you might think of simply grabbing her, carrying her away and starting the pleasure? Oh, sadly dwarves are a heavy load to carry away, and I'm sure you still remember that axe and value your limbs. So that won't work very well. There have been armored knights who have tried. In vain, as far as I know, remember that dwarves are a bit, well, naturally heavy, and reluctant to be carried away. Add the knight's armor needed to avoid that axe-issue and you'll get the picture.

Of course the romantic in each of us, and who wouldn't be a romantic when thinking of that alluring female beard, already knows the answer: We'll have to seduce her with a present. But take care because if you choose the wrong one that nasty axe may interrupt your attempts with the aforementioned unpleasant results. So what do we chose? Dwarves don't like flowers, those are for the elves. And yes, it's true what you've always suspected: The elves invented the Valentine's day. They founded the greeting card industry first, but then only used it for that flowerday. I'm glad you now know better.

Back to the perfect seduction present. What does a dwarven princess love most? No, aside of that body part of yours which is hopefully still attached because you heeded my advice. You'll get to use that, but later. Dwarven princesses of course like gems and precious metal, but unless you have Mithril hidden in your garden you most likely don't have the amount of valuables needed to afford anything she wouldn't get at home. So what else? Yes! Consider giving her something from your own world, something valuable! No, not this. Dwarves do know about football, but they won't like your fan articles of the New York Giants for some reason, nor of the Tennessee Titans. And don't ever try that joke about the club out of Orcland. The axe, you remember it, do you? Good. They also won't wear your favorite T-shirt, for, as already mentioned, they don't like dresses. And dwarves use our wine to do the dishes. Dwarves test the quality of alcoholics by seeing if it is strong enough to burn a hole in an inn's table. Sadly anything we drink is lacking in that quality.

So you are lost, are you? Don't despair. I'm here to help you get under that beard! You simply have to give her... High heels! Every woman loves shoes, but you should see a dwarven princess's eyes grow wide in delight when presented with pink high heels size 46 or higher! They simply love them, and they'll love you for it! Okay, the last part is dangerous, but that is what you wanted all along, isn't it? You'll get all the necessary details for this unforgettable adventure in my next guide, but let's just mention here that their nipples are able to get hard, and I mean hard. They cut diamonds with them when they are in heat. Additionally their breasts are nearly unmovable, showing their stony heritage, so a titty-fuck may be difficult to achieve, but it's not impossible. Why do you think a certain rock band named itself The Rolling Rocks or something like this? Ah, I see now you get the impression! I'm sure they got much satisfaction out of this experience and still sing a song about it!

About the final pleasure a dwarven princess has to offer I won't tell anything here, since you should buy my other guide also. Let's just say her mossy pussy is worth the work. Oh yes, I really wrote "mossy". They don't have hairs there, and of course moss likes to grow on wet stone... oh well, just read my guide. You can buy it like this one in the mentally deranged section of your local library. I've always wondered why they located it there...

Good luck with your short, hairy princess, and remember to vote right below for my guide!