A Girl's Guide to Getting Head

A few years ago I wrote a piece called the Girls Guide to Bush Confidence. To this day, it is my most commented upon piece; in fact, I still get comments and emails from supporters and nay-sayers alike. I also had the pleasure of co-teaching a workshop by the same name at a local toy store last year. What I've learned from all of that feedback and discussion is pretty much what I knew when I wrote it: that a lot of women are not comfortable with their pussies. Sadly, even more are not comfortable receiving oral sex.

Which brings me to a bit of a confession. When I wrote that essay, I wasn't totally comfortable with oral sex, either. Oh, I talked a good game, and I said all the right things, but I had my hang-ups still. I was damaged goods in that department, the product of too many years in a marriage with a man who didn't like giving head, didn't like the smell and taste, a man who would go wash himself off immediately following his once a year foray into the land of the pussy. By the time I wrote my essay, I knew in my head that the problem, if you want to call it one, was with him; I knew there was nothing wrong with pussies and pussy eating, that it was just his own preferences that had kept me oral-deprived for so long, but, even knowing that, I wasn't totally comfortable being the recipient, either.

So in this, the second part of a girls guide to bush confidence, I'm going to be totally honest and tell you about my journey from skittish to willing. One of the first things I had to conquer on my road to recovery was the idea that men give head because they feel obligated. That was, after all, why my ex headed south once a year, typically around my birthday. I'd hinted enough up to that point that he felt the need to do me the favor, but I never could bring myself to actually enjoy it. How can you, really, when you know that the mouth on you isn't there out of want but out of necessity? My first partner after my marriage was with a man who loved giving head, but whose ex hadn't let him. She found it gross; it was a perfect match in oral pleasures, but it was a short-lived relationship. In the short time we were together, though, he taught me that there are some men out there who love pussy, who LOVE giving head. He started me on my journey to just relax and enjoy the ride, orgasm or not. He also started me on my goal to never again sleep with a man who isn't ready and willing to head downtown.

And I was true to that to that goal. Though, of course, my journey didn't end there. The hard part for me was in believing a partner when he said he liked giving head, or when he wanted to go down on me. In the last two years, I've had three partners, all of whom are willing, eager even, to spend plenty of time being intimate with their partner's nether regions. And they've (finally!) taught me this: if a man says he likes to give head and then proceeds to give head on a regular basis, you ought to believe him. Just like I like blow jobs and give them on a regular basis because I want to, so do they. Oh yes, some men lie. Some men claim to love pussy, to claim to be so good at eating pussy that they'll make their partner come multiple times, or claim to be so good that lesbians couldn't do it better (I wonder how one compares that!). And those same men may do it, and do it regularly, but not because they love the taste and smell and sounds of a woman in heat, but because it gets them where they want to be: laid. But I think, if we trust our instincts and listen to our bodies, it becomes pretty simple to tell the difference. A man in lust with pussy isn't hard to identify if we let go of our hang ups and pay attention. So girls, the point I'm making here is this: there are men who love doing it; in fact, there are many many men who love doing it. So why not let them? If it makes you feel good, and it makes him feel good to make you feel good, what the hell is the problem?

But yes, I know it's not that easy. The second thing I had to get over was how long it takes me to orgasm during oral sex. Sometimes, quite frankly, I can't. And after a few earth shattering minutes of concentrated pleasure, my brain kicks in and says things like "god, he's probably getting tired of this and if I can't come, he'll be so disappointed" or "I'm sure his mouth is worn out, I should stop him" or "god this feels god, but I feel so bad getting all the pleasure and I'm probably being really selfish to let him keep doing this." That last one is my most common problem. After all (unless I'm in a 69 which is a whole other issue I'll get to shortly), the whole bit of business happening in the bed or couch or table (lucky girl!) is all about me. He's giving, and I'm taking. And I'm just not used to that. Sex, in my mind, is supposed to be about mutual pleasure, a give and take, a two orgasm ride, so the whole I'm the only one feeling really fucking great thing is hard.

But here's what I've learned, and it's a very new lesson I still sometimes forget: some men (I can't speak for all, but I can speak for the ones I know who love to give head) get really turned on by giving their girl pleasure. I know I get pretty damned turned on when I've got a cock in my mouth and a man purring in happiness in my bed, so obviously the same can be true in reverse. My current (and last, if I'm lucky!) partner gets more turned on by how I taste and smell than by almost anything else, and I'm learning to let him enjoy me while I enjoy what he's doing to me. If he gets tired or his mouth is worn out or he's ready for some of his own pleasure, he knows how to stop. Nothing says I have to come from every oral sex adventure (or from every sexual adventure either), so why not lay back and enjoy it without worrying about the destination? One of the keys to this, of course, is communication. If you have trouble climaxing during oral sex, tell your partner, "Honey, it feels really amazing when you go down on me, and I hope you keep doing it whenever you want to, but I might not come. In fact, sometimes it feels so good I can't come. And that's totally okay with me."

I'm still working on getting over my, somewhat related, hang-ups about frequency- why is that I feel guilty if he goes down on me three, four, or five days in a row? Shouldn't I, instead, feel blessed? I say I should, and so should you. Relax, enjoy, trust your partner. And yes, again I know it's not that easy. Even for me, the girl telling you to do it. But again, your partner is a big boy. He's capable (hopefully!) of expressing what he does and doesn't want. So if he heads south on a regular basis on his own volition, let go of your worries and let yourself bliss.

Which brings me to my last big oral hang-up, and I'll admit right now that I'm not over it. At least, not totally, though I'm working on it in the most enjoyable ways. The whole sitting on his face thing (why, oh why, does it have to be called that!). 69s, too. Anything where I might, as I fear, suffocate him. Granted, this hasn't happened. Also true is the fact that my partner is bigger than me, so could easily push me aside and catch his breath, if needed. But it's a worry, and it has long prevented me from engaging in any kind of me on top oral sex. I've found, though, that it's very fun (for us both) when I kneel over his face and tease him by touching myself, just out of his reach. This tease inevitably leads to his mouth on me, which leads to me, well, sitting on his face, for lack of a better description. And if I can do that, why not flip around and 69, so that he can get some pleasure, too. It's a fun ride, if you can get to it. Again, I suggest that you don't focus on your orgasms (or his), and you trust your partner to be honest about his comfort. You can, and should, talk about it before hand, especially if you have hang ups like mine, so that you know that he'll speak up if need be. Trusting your partner and then allowing yourself to enjoy the sensations for their own sake will make for a damned good time. I still ask my SO afterwards if I suffocated him (an obviously dumb question to ask a living and breathing person), but each time he smiles and assures me that not only did he not suffocate, but he had a damned good time.

I think, for me, that's what the whole oral sex thing (as well as every other kind of sex, come to think of it) comes down to: relax and enjoy. Don't search for an orgasm, don't over-analyze, don't bring guilt or fear into it. Relax and allow yourself to feel that tongue on you, to feel the suction or the nibble or the licking or the combination of all three. And then, enjoy. How can you not?

That's not to say that oral sex is for everyone. It's not. If you don't like it, don't do it. Don't feel obligated to give or to receive. But if you're holding back because you worry that it's gross or wrong or selfish, get the fuck over it. It's none of those things. If you're clean (and by clean I mean you shower- please don't use feminine hygiene products because they can make you ripe for vaginal health problems) and healthy (those vaginal health problems can create odd tastes or smells), then you're good to go. And good to enjoy! Another related concern is the whole hair issue, a topic I addressed in my first essay and a topic pretty much everyone has an opinion on. As I've gotten older, I'm firmly in the trimmed category. Shaving wasn't a comfortable solution for me despite my thoughts in Guide #1. Some swear by it, and that's fine; some want to let things grow as they will, and that's fine, too. It's all about your comfort; obviously, your partner may have a preference, but ultimately it's your body, and you're the one who needs to be comfortable in your skin (and in your hair!), so decide what you like and go with it. From all of the many, many emails I've gotten since my first piece, I can tell you that just as many people like shaved woman as don't like them. ( I can also tell you that a man who loves women and their nether regions is seldom all that picky when faced with a willing woman with open legs!)

So, girls, relax, please. Trust yourself. Trust your partner. And stop taking sex so seriously- enjoy it! It's fun! All you need is a little bush confidence....