How to Buy a New Car

Did you notice that the name of this article is how to buy a new car and not how to get sucked into buying an SUV, mini-van, or a pickup truck?

I love cars but I hate SUV's, mini-vans, and pickup trucks. SUV's, mini-vans, and pickup trucks are too big, too heavy, gas hogs. Okay, pickups are cool if you live on a farm or on a ranch or if you need that type of vehicle for work, otherwise, do not buy one. And SUV's have some value if you have the need to go off-road, live in the back country, and cannot possibly drive a car on the unpaved road, unless you are motoring in an Audi Quattro. Yet, how many of you who own SUV's have ever taken your vehicle off road? I figured as much.

So, why should you not buy an SUV, mini-van or a pickup truck? Because they are not as safe as cars, and the reason why they are not as safe as cars is because the Republicans, back in the '80's under President Ronnie, who should have won an Oscar for his starring role as Mr. President, duped the public by working with auto manufacturers' lobbyist in creating a legal loophole that bypassed the CAFÉ laws.

What are the CAFÉ laws? Corporate Average Fuel Economy that stipulates that the cars sold by automobile manufacturers must average, throughout their fleet of cars sold, 27.5 miles per gallon by 1985. Exempt from the CAFÉ laws were, you guessed it, trucks, ergo, the legal loophole.

Do you know what the first thing that General Motors did when they passed that loophole to circumvent the CAFÉ laws? They closed the plants that made the big, safe, body on frame, Chevy Caprices, Pontiac Bonnevilles, Oldsmobile's 88 and 98, Buick Roadmasters, and Cadillac Fleetwood Broughams. Why? Because those cars cost more to build than the shit that they threw together calling them SUV's, mini-vans, and pickup trucks, GM made a fortune.

And those mini-vans and SUV's that you people put your beloved children in are, yep, right again, trucks. Did you know that trucks are not as safe as cars? Why? Because trucks do not have to adhere to the same set of safety laws that cars must. Trucks, until just recently, did not have to have head restraints, side impact beams, or gas tanks relocated so that they were not behind the drivers' seat, blow up in a crash, and douse the occupants with gasoline.

All of those rollover crashes that you read about where people are thrown from their SUV's or out the back door of their Chrysler mini-van, which has since been fixed, opens and bounces junior along the highway or the roof caves in and dents your head just enough to kill you, well that is your lawmakers not protecting you but lining their pockets instead with free vacations and other perky gifts given to them by the auto industry. Trucks, as do cars, do not have to have doors that, once locked, will not pop open. Whereas a car roof must hold 1 ½ times the weight of the car on it's roof, trucks only have to hold as much weight as two cases of beer, which is why their roofs collapse in an accident.

You don't believe me? Just go to a junk yard. Do you see that crumpled up piece of metal that looks like an erector set gone bad? Yeah, that was a mini-van. Nice, huh? Trust me; anyone sitting in that piece of shit did not survive that accident.

"Hey, Freddie, what is erotic about buying a car, anyway? Did you forget that this is Literotica?"

Cars, not SUV's, mini-vans, and pickup trucks, are rolling erotica. Whether it was Elvis's pink Cadillac, the Beatles' psychedelic Rolls Royce, Janis Joplin asking the Lord to buy her a Mercedes Benz, the Beach Boys singing about their GTO and the Chevy 409 or the 50's hit, Hot Rod Lincoln, cars are erotic. What about the sports cars from Italy, such as, Maserati, Lamborghini, and Ferrari, now those are erotic exotics? And who would not want to be seen pulling up to an expensive nightspot getting out of a 16 cylinder, 1,000 horsepower, 253 mile per hour Buggati Veyron? Talk about erotic, if you were a guy pulling up in that 1.4 million dollar car, you'd have your choice of gals or if you were a woman pulling up in that car, you'd have me.

"Welcome to Chez Exorbitant's valet parking. I will park your Buggati for you?"

"Not on your life, pal. I'll park my own damn car."

For me, put me in the driver's seat of a Mustang Cobra 500 coupe, orange, with black racing stripes, black wheels, and a six speed transmission. Man, I can't believe this is 2007 and not 1967 all over, again. Suddenly, I feel like Mark Donahue reincarnated. Now, this is what Carroll Shelby and Lee Iacocca had in mind when they teamed up over the Mustang to create the Shelby Cobra.

You just have to look at the two-door convertibles, such as, the Mazda Maita, Porsche Boxster, Chevrolet Corvette or the Dodge Viper to understand what the designers were thinking about when they designed those low slung, sexy cars.

"Honey, I don't understand how having sex with me three times a day helps you to design the interior of a Mercedes CL 600?"

And what about Oscar Meyer's wiener mobile, now if that vehicle is not an erotic phallic symbol on wheels, then nothing is, and phallic symbols are, yes, erotic. Some think that a Checker Marathon taxi cab is erotic while others find the Mini Cooper erotic, no matter, what I am attempting to do here is to help you buy your dream car, be it an erotic vehicle or a practical vehicle. Do you remember those big station wagons back in the '60's with the shag carpeting and mood lighting? That was erotic, especially if you were taking one of those to the drive-in with Becky Sue. Hey, you may like your car so much that you may want to have sex in it or sex with it. Now, there's a story.

"I was on my knees in the driveway with my ass up in the air as he slowly backed up the driveway until the exhaust pipe of the Lexus 430SC convertible penetrated me anally. It felt so good, so hot, that I thought I had blown a gasket. Just to be fucked by my automobile was like no other experience I have ever had. I was blowing out exhaust fumes for a week."

"The court remands this woman in the custody of the state for 30 days observation."

Besides, you cannot turn on your television without seeing a new car ad with some sexy woman behind the steering wheel or sitting in the passenger seat. If you don't believe me, just go to an auto show if you doubt that new cars are not about sex. Sex sells and scantily clad, pretty women sell cars. Do you remember all of those X-rated calendars that they had hanging in the full-service gas stations, when they had full service gas stations and the stations were owned by Joe or Bob or Ed and before they were owned by Muhammad, Habbib or Ali Babba? Additionally, you can tell a lot about people by the cars that they drive. Unfortunately, that is, yet, another story for another time.

"Hey, did you see the guy driving the Yugo? You can tell he's not getting any sex."

At one time or another, starting with Dinah Shore with Chevrolet, every celebrity has stepped in the shoes of a sales representative and pitched a car to the public. "See the USA in your Chevrolet." From the Nash Rambler to the Volkswagen Beetle to the Brinklin to the DeLoreon, cars and sex have unified in creating a need and an image, an erotic one at that, to sell cars. We Americans are in love with our cars and have had an ongoing love affair with the automobile since Henry rolled out the first Model T. Now, what part of love is not erotic?

Nonetheless, no matter if your dream car is designed to pick up chicks, if you are a guy, or guys, if you are a chick or whomever, if you are gay or lesbian, or if your dream car is designed to drive back and forth to work, haul the kids to soccer games or to run to Wal-Mart, this how to story should help you to buy a new car.

That's right, new car. This article is written for new car buying and not used-car buying. The reason for that is simple. Unless you know the previous owner, I do not trust buying a used car from a dealership or from a private seller. There are way too many variables that can cause you to buy a lemon. There are still too many flood cars sitting in used car lots throughout the United States with transferred titles from Louisiana and Mississippi.

"Hey, look, Honey, I found a fish in my engine compartment. I wonder how it got in there."

The first step to buying a new car is to remove sex from your purchasing plan. That's right, get that girl wearing the mini-skirt and low-cut blouse out of your car and out of your head. Seriously, that red Mustang may attract babes, but did you forget that you are married with children? Hey, a mini van can be sexy, kind of, not really, not at all, you are screwed, Dude, if your dream car is a Plymouth Voyager or a Honda Odyssey.

Decide on which car you want and stick with it. Believe it or not, this is the most difficult part of buying a new car, making a decision which make and model to buy. So many people change their mind in mid-sale, flip flop because they think this one is on sale or the dealer has the exact color that they want on the lot for the price they can afford, only in a different make and model.

Pick the make and the model and do not allow the salesperson to change your mind or to bait and switch you. Yet, before you amble down to the dealership, buy a book, like Edmunds new cars or you can do this on line, too, at their web site, and go through the options picking out the color, the interior, and the accessories noting all the prices. When you have your dream car priced out, take your list to the dealer, and tell him what you want to pay for the car. If he does not want to sell you the car for what Edmunds tells you to pay for the car, get up and start walking out. He will stop you before you reach the door.

"Hey, while you were walking towards the door, my sales manager came over and gave me the high sign. He has accepted your offer of $100 over invoice and not the $2,000 over manufacturer's sticker that I wanted."

Next, never buy a car off the dealer's lot. In case you were not paying attention, allow me to repeat this. Never buy a car off the dealer's lot. Oh, trust me, they will tell you that it is cheaper to buy a car that his been sitting on their lot for weeks or for months, but it is not. They will try and convince you to buy that car that has been sitting there all winter. Why? Because they have been paying finance fees to have that car sitting on their lot in the hopes of selling it. The longer that car has sat there, the more that car has cost the dealer in overhead and the more the dealer must ask for it. Moreover, the dealership is giving their sales staff more incentive, ergo commission, when selling cars off the lot. The salesman will try and dissuade you from ordering a car because he will make more commission when you buy off of his lot. Order the car. Let me repeat that because this is really important. Order the car.

Most people do not know that you can order a car and those who do know that they can order the car do not order the car because they do not want to wait the 8 weeks for the manufacturer to make the car; they want it now. Fewer than 5% of all new cars sold are ordered vehicles. Besides getting the color that you want, you can pick and choose the options that will really make your car not only last longer but also perform better. The good items that improve the performance and/or durability of a car are never found on a car that is already sitting on a dealer's lot nor will you ever find that special custom color.

Dealer lot cars do not have sport suspensions, posi-traction, heavy duty brakes, heavy duty suspensions, engine oil and transmission oil coolers, wider wheels, performance rear end gear ratios, and performance tires nor will they have the really good colors that will make your car stand out from all the other Chevy Impalas or Toyota Camry's. Dealers' cars only come in black, blue, red, white, and silver. You want a gold, green, purple, yellow, or an orange car? That's a special order.

I'll give you an example. One of the best cars on the road is the BMW 3 series. Now, I dare you to go to any BMW lot and find a new BMW with a sport package. What is a sports package and why do I want it? Well, if you are buying a 335, the sports package is only $400 more and if you are buying a 328, then the same sports package is $1,200. And what you get for that additional $400 or $1,200 are two Recaro seats, wider wheels, better suspension, and better tires. Now, if you were to duplicate that package after you bought the car, well, just the Recaro seats would cost you $3,000. You will only find that package on an ordered car or on a car that was previously ordered by a customer and cancelled.

Matter of fact, if you are one of the lucky few buying a Bimmer, you can order a new car right from the factory. Once they make your car, BMW will pay your airfare and hotel stay to go to Germany to drive your car around before they ship it home to you. Moreover, most BMW dealers in the United States will not discount the car, but if you buy it in the mother land, they will discount it 7%. Now, 7% of 40,000 is $2,800, which more than pays for your trip to Bavaria.

It will take approximately 8 weeks for the manufacturer to make your special ordered car but you will receive a car exactly how you wanted it. And, surprise, it is cheaper to order a new car than it is to buy a new car from a dealer's lot. Why? Because an ordered car is like a consignment vehicle, the dealer never takes ownership of the car. The automobile passes from the manufacturer to you, the customer and the dealer does not incur any additional overhead in finance fees that they must recoup and pass along to you in the price you pay for the auto.

When is it a good time to buy a car? Today or tomorrow, it does not matter which day. Oh, they will tell you President's Day or the end of the month when the salesman are struggling to make their quotas or when the manufacturers are offering rebates. Nope. Not true. Whether you order your new car today or tomorrow, unless there is a price increase, you will pay the same price.

What do you need to order the car? All you legally need is $100 as a deposit. The dealer will ask you for a $1,000 or a $500 deposit, but all that is required under the law is $100, so do not give them a free loan of your money for two months. Besides, if something was to happen, you lost your job or if you were suddenly unable to afford the car, you may lose your deposit. I'd much rather lose $100 than $1,000.

Sure, if you are in the market for a Cadillac Seville and if Cadillac is having trouble moving Sevilles, then that is your lucky day because the manufacturer may have instituted a rebate program that the dealer will pass on to you, if you know it exists and if you ask for it. Some manufacturers' incentive plans can be as much as $5,000. Again, you can check the Edmunds web site to find out which manufacturers are offering what incentive programs and how much they are offering.

Should I trade in my old clunker? No! In case you missed that. Allow me to rewrite it. Never trade in your old clunker. Whatever you get by selling it to someone is more than the dealer will give you. Yeah, but the dealer offered me $1,000 for my junk box that is worth $100. Sure, and instead of giving you the 7-10% customary discount that he would have given you had you not traded-in your car, which, depending on the price of the car, is anywhere from $1,400 to several thousand dollars, he will gladly give you $1,000 off the retail list price of the car.

Even if you sold your old clunker for $100, you'd still be ahead because not only will you be $100 richer, but also you will have received your 7-10% discount on the purchase of a new car.

Lastly, whatever the dealer is selling, do not buy it. They will try and sell you Scotch Guard for your interior, rust-proofing for the car, alarms, and warranties. All of these items add to the purchase price. You do not need it. As a rule, if it does not come with the car from the factory, do not buy it.

Now, those that already are burdened with SUV's, mini-vans, and pickup trucks, set them on fire, collect the insurance money and reread this story to find out how to buy a car.

Good luck with your new car. Oh, you don't have to thank me. Just a 5 vote for my story and a nice comment is good enough for me.