How to Not Buy a New Car

Okay, you've read some of the How to articles here at Literotica guiding you on how to buy a new car. Why there have even been some woeful attempts to make a non-erotic short story on how to buy a new car. I'm here to recommend you take those articles, print them out, then stack them up and use them to soak up the oil leak from your old car.

Now hold on here, there is a reason for this madness, I mean we all understand that your automobile is the worst monetary investment you will make. You've heard the horror stories how a new car decreases in value by $1,000 the instant you drive it off the dealer's lot. Every inch you drive after that decreases the value of the car.

That is true up to the point where your car is basically worthless, at that point, every added mile you get out of the car is simply a bonus and your car essentially becomes priceless. If you bought the right car in the first place, then you will have paid it off long before it is worthless, so the only cost besides gas, a bit of oil, and a few other essential fluids is upkeep.

Now, the secret in keeping upkeep down (how's that for a phrase, keeping upkeep down?) anyway, the secret here goes back to when you first buy a new car. Yeah, it's a chicken and egg kind of thing, somewhere along the line you need to buy a new car, and by new I mean either brand new, or lightly used car so you can properly nurture it into an exquisitely long life.

So you have your new or lightly used car, what do you do to minimize upkeep during the next decade or so? Well, in my humble opinion, the five most important things to do are: change your oil regularly, regularly change your oil, be sure and change your oil regularly, make damned sure you change your oil regularly, and don't forget to change your oil regularly. Yes, changing your oil regularly is very important.

Now I know it's a pain, but you know the little handbook that comes with your car? Yeah, turn to the part about recommended maintenance and follow these instructions implicitly. Okay, I know it is a pain and a struggle to take a spanking new car in and pay $50, $75, $325 or $750 for their regular maintenance checkups for when you hit fifteen thousand, twenty five thousand, thirty thousand, or whatever intervals the car manufacturers recommend.

After about the first one hundred thousand miles you put on your car you can back off a bit on your maintenance schedule. Change your oil every ten thousand miles or so, and then double the time between your recommended maintenance checks (if they say do this every 25,000 miles go to 50,000 or even a bit more.) Now the possible exception to the above is your brakes, always keep you eyes and ears on your brakes. If a fuel pump or alternator fails you end up broken down along the side of the road, your brakes fail and you find yourself broken up on the road.

Okay, time for some controversy. Call it tough love or being unpatriotic or whatever, but in my experience the best type of car to have if you plan to own it for a decade or two is a foreign car. Scream and holler how you will, but in my experience those little sons of bitches just keep going and going. Now I will admit domestic cars are built much better these days and I actually have a 2004 Chevy Malibu finishing up it's fifth year (it's actually my daughter's but I'm paying most of the repair costs) that has lasted better than any other domestic cars I've owned. It has 138,000 miles on it, but it does have some issues.

Again, I've had good successes with a 1982 Toyota Celica lasting 257,000 miles and about ten years, a 1992 Nissan Maxima that lasted 297,000 miles and nearly 15 years and I'm currently driving a 2001 Nissan Altima that current has over 178,000 miles. In each of these cars I've found that the components usually lasted two to three times their normal service lives. It's hard to argue with that success.

Now every car has its foibles and you will need to be prepared for them. You will need to either accept the problems, fix the problem completely or respond to the problem with a home remedy. In my case, the Toyota was know to shed its trim, so all those pretty little swan symbols (I think celica might mean swan in some language), the neat black trim around your windows, well after some noisy flapping I simply watched those slip off and disappear along the highway. I accepted this problem.

The Nissan Maxima was known for its undersized brakes that consistently needed work. Remember what I said about brakes before? I got these fixed each time a problem occurred. The Maxima also had a problem with the electric windows. The window drivers would have a problem and your windows would start slipping down when you didn't want them to. Using a home remedy here, I simply pushed the windows up with my hands and siliconed them shut. That was for the back windows, I had to keep the driver's side window working.

Now you might think driving one of these clunkers is a draw back, but just consider the fun you'll have when you pull into a parking lot and see where some guy in a $30,000, $40,000 or finer car has let his tires cross over into an adjacent parking space. You can whip in right next to him or her, and carelessly open your door. The cringe on the owner's face when your door stops a half a centimeter from their car is priceless. Of course, you'll be secure knowing that even if you did whack their door, it was their fault anyway because they are parked halfway in your parking space.

You will also find that drivers in those expensive new cars are more likely to yield to some ten year old clunker who needs to change lanes, or make a quick turn or even back up on the freeway. You'd be surprised at the respect you get on the road driving one of these beauties.

Ah, but now you're wondering what this has to do with sex. Well, if your car is nearly 10 years old and your love life is anything like mine, you will remember how nice it was 10 years ago when you were actually getting some. So now, when you've finally worked up an erection and walk into the bedroom to have a romp with your wife and are told to "...take it out in the back yard," you have someplace to go.

Instead of taking it out into the back yard, you simply take it out to your car, where you can remember the times you had sex. Hell, back then you probably had sex in that very car. Now all you got to do is lean back the seat, unzip your zipper and remember the cramped, painful and sweaty sex you had in the car. Probably some of the best sex you ever had, well maybe. Besides, those cum stains on a car this old is a good thing, shows your passengers you still got it.

So there you have it, a guide on how to not buy a new car.