Hey Honey Ive Been Watching Porn

You might be like me, a married man over 40 with a deeply religious, very conservative wife, enduring long stretches of sexual drought and uncreative sex. You have coped by jerking off to adult magazines, videos, and phone sex, hungry to satisfy your pent-up desires. You fear getting caught and do your best to cover your tracks lest she find out.

Although you have a loving marriage, sex has been rare or routine with no end in sight. If you were to ask your wife about your relationship, she would probably say everything was fine. But you know it hasn't been for some time.

There were conversations in the past about sex and priorities but nothing changed. She's passionate about a lot of things but not your relationship. Or at least that's how it feels. She wouldn't admit it, but you wonder if she takes you for granted. What is sure is that she doesn't take the initiative and doesn't explore fantasy or new things like masturbating for you or enticing you. Sometimes it's the little things, like how she takes off her makeup every time before sex (in fact, she looks better at church than when she's at home), or doesn't wear revealing lingerie or give oral sex (although she happily receives it), and you are invariably left with a one-and-done orgasm because she's not really trying to get you aroused.

You've fantasized about other women, like her hot, flirty best friend, but you don't want to take the permanent step of being unfaithful. You aren't trying to end the marriage; rather, you want to reignite and rebuild it as you try to fill in the gaps of intimacy with porn. In fact, you would readily trade jerking off by yourself for meaningful and creative sex. You want to add that spark to your sex life and marriage but don't know how. It's been going on for years and you're frustrated.

I have a suggestion to your predicament and it starts with the one thing you think you could never reveal: your years-long habit of masturbating to porn to cope with your boring sex life. That's the solution. To tell her you watch porn.

You might say that your wife would freak out if you told her you've been steadily jacking off to women playing with sex toys and guys slamming stiff cocks into willing women for over the last 10 or 20 years. Believe me, I know. I'm that guy. I was terrified of rejection. But I also knew that my wife needed a shock to her system, something to waken her from her slumber and change the way she viewed sex, our marriage, her priorities...and her husband.

This revelation was done in a loving way as she came to grips with the knowledge that hundreds of naked centerfold models gave me release, pleasure, and relaxation as she was off in la la land volunteering evenings at school and church and coming home too exhausted to focus on her husband. Without being overtly judgmental, I had to get her to the realization that although my jacking off in private was not the answer to our issues, that she also failed in very large part by not prioritizing our marriage.

But none of this chain reaction would begin without my initial porn confession. That is the catalyst. What I thought must remain hidden at all costs was the thing that was holding us back. Revealing it is bringing us new hope.

If you choose this path, I believe that your wife's reaction to your handjob revelation will depend in large part on the state of your existing marriage and how you reveal this secret.

First, you must have an environment of mutual trust. This is critical because her emotional security will provide a layer of protection for you. As you are actively providing for her, pursuing her best interests, and communicating with her, she will naturally be more inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt when she feels unsure or conflicted about porn, which is a very controversial topic for many religious women that breeds irrational fear.

Two, you need to prioritize her sexual pleasure. Show your wife that her enjoyment of sex has always mattered to you even while you were secretly gratifying yourself with images of amateur models getting cummed on. Demonstrate that you were a great lover and a closet masturbator at the same time.

Three, don't allow porn to reduce your sexual appetite with your wife. Although my sex life is below average in terms of frequency, my jerk-off sessions to hot ladies online does not mean that my appetite for my wife has decreased. If after three weeks of no sex, I end up having a massive cum shot early in the morning watching two girls give oral sex to a lucky guy and my wife finally wants sex later that evening (which has happened on occasion), I will make love with her even though I'm already feeling quite satiated from my earlier load I happily shot up my neck. Porn should never reduce the frequency of sex (especially if it's already infrequent). My point is that shouldn't give your wife an excuse to blame porn for infrequent sex.

Four, show her that it's ok to get pleasure from other sources than each other. Introduce sex toys. Have her watch you cumming with a toy pussy (and her with a dildo). Make it fun. Help her understand that pleasure doesn't have to be routine. If you can introduce some basic fantasies, even better. Once she starts to open her mind to exploration, it will help reduce the shock that you received pleasure from other sources such as watching other women in some magazine.

In terms of -how- to reveal this, I will say that it took me years to get to the point where I felt confident enough to tell my wife about porn. It was not overnight.

After a fun vacation together, I finally chose to write her a love letter about my struggles with our sex life, our failed attempts to fix it, and my desire for more connection with her as I coped with porn. I said I wanted closeness with her but that her priorities were elsewhere and my masturbating to porn was the result. This was not a tearful confession about porn. There was no guilt and no condemnation. It was quite matter of fact, but I said I would prefer to see our marriage change for the better.

I also got very explicit about what I looked at and how I liked to masturbate. I wanted to fill her mind with images of her husband being aroused and getting satisfied. To fully confront it and remove the fear of the unknown. I deliberatley focused on soft core porn as this was not the time to reveal cream-pie or three-way loving wives fantasies, even though you may have masturbated to both. Keep it basic. No sense dumping too much on her at once, so I focused on pretty models playing with themselves and happy couples enjoying sex. I also talked about how I liked to pleasure myself, when I did it, and how I even wished she would have caught me in the act.

It was a good first start. There were no tears, no fear, just two adults talking and, importantly, able to laugh about it.

But that wasn't the end of it. This not a one and done situation, it takes time. In fact, when a completely anti-porn sermon came up in church and she seemed to be wavering, I hit the subject again. We had several conversations as she grew accustomed to this new revelation and her own overblown fears about porn. I took a nuanced view by saying that my solo masturbating was not a good thing for us, big picture, and that there was alot of unhealthy porn (I'm not a pro-porn crusader here, I'm just trying to connect with my wife). It was important that I be credible with her and concede some points.

Instead, I told her that some light porn (erotica) could be a beautiful way to increase arousal and help our connection. I reasoned that we could both try "erotica" together (a novel or sex positions guide, for starters) and that was ok because we are married and I'm not doing it alone, in secret. She was much more receptive when it was phrased in a way that involved both of us. I just reframed porn as a way for us to explore intimacy and not something to be feared.

My wife is not about to go out and purchase adult DVDs. But she is entertaining the idea of going to sex stores and shopping for sex toys (something she never wanted to do even 5 years ago), discussing hidden fantasies, reading an erotic book, and importantly, watching me jack off to Penthouse magazines. Some of you may laugh, but I have several reasons for that last one. First, it's to show her that porn (erotica) is not scary. I've done it for years with no negative impact to our marriage. She needs to see her normal husband doing it and not be afraid of it. Second, because it's a fun way to get me aroused and hard, like a sex toy. I'm not suggesting we always do this, I don't need it to get aroused but it's like candy: you take it in moderation. Third, it's a form of therapy. It's me confessing my secrets to my wife, seeking her love and approval, and my wife is being confronted with what happened when she didn't pay enough attention to her man.

My next step is to make a trade-off of sorts with her: I will promise to not look at porn alone (it's a vow I can do at this point in my life and especially if I have her own promise to change). But there is a compromise here. I want the freedom to give her explicit examples of what I looked at when I was jerking off to porn. Again, it's a soft-core focus and I'll take it very slow. I'll plan to do it while she's happily weak with arousal, just before she's about to cum and I'll be whispering to her, recounting her husband's naughty escapades (despite her conservatism, she has a thing about calling me her "bad-boy", I think she gets off on it). That way, she won't have to watch sexually explicit scenes, which I can tell makes her a little nervous, but I can fill our minds with these same images in a way that brings us close because it's just me and her talking and sharing. Think of it as another form of mutual therapy: she learns more about her husband and what happens when he's hungry and unattended, and I come clean about fantasies and revealing pent-up secrets.

I will say that this is all a journey and not an easy one. Despite periods of great frustration, I didn't want to give up on my wife. I had to think of creative ways to draw her close and continue our journey together with renewed purpose and new ideas about pleasure. It's just a start but there is hope.