A Nerd's Guide to Getting Hooed Up

1. Overcoming Your Goofiness

2. The Great Transition

3. On The Bed, and Other Furniture

4. The Wow Level

Hey you! Nerd! Yes, you with the Krispy Kreme t-shirt and broken heels on your Doc Martens. What’s the problem, my geeky friend? Wait, I bet I can guess. You either just found out that Blink 182 cancelled their concert in your city, or you haven’t seen non-Internet pussy since you peeped your sister in grade school. And that was last week. Perv.

Listen, it’s alright. I know you’re hungry for sloppy sweat-dripping sex this weekend, if only a good friend would take the time to explain what the fuck women are thinking. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Sometime women themselves don’t know! And here’s another secret you can write in your journal with the needlepoint R2D2 on the cover: That guy at work with the $30 haircut and bright red necktie from Neiman Marcus ain’t getting any better sex than you are. His days of trial-and-error are hitting a second decade, and he’s seriously considering one of those damn Fleshlights. (They work TOO good, my tempted friend.)

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. You could be having sex with an actual girl right now! And more importantly, she WANTS you to give it to her. There’s no denying that the fairer sex requires more maintenance than Rush Limbaugh’s hammock, but at the end of the date, she’s just as horny as you are. She may think you’re a loser with bad taste in music, but that hole between her legs isn’t there for looks. She’s lonely too, and she’s seriously considering one of those damn Dynamic Duos. (Two holes at once, she’ll never be seen in public again. We lost her so young…)

SEDUCTION is the solution. SEDUCTION is fun, for you and for her. Nothing forced, nothing illegal, nothing clumsy. Just good ol’ fashioned charm. In other words, SEDUCTION. Visualize what you want, have a plan for getting it. Be the man for once in your life, for christ’s sake. Take your nuts out of the jar, strap them on, and hit the bricks. Once you’ve discovered life as a man, you’ll never take unstrap them again. Might I suggest how to begin?

1. Overcoming Your Goofiness

The path to the bedroom lies in self-confidence. HEY! Pay attention, you stunted adolescent. I know you don’t think you have it in you to seduce a woman, but even YOU have an anti-cowardly core deep within you just waiting to burst to the surface and shout, “Hey world, I’m a male! I’m good in the sack! There’s more to me than RPGs and Vanilla Coke and my mom’s hand lotion!” But how to find that core? And more importantly, how to keep it in place during a date? You must find your self-confidence before you’ll be ready for the SEDUCTION in Part 2.

A. ASK GIRLS TO GO ON DATES

News flash, Peter Pan -- the girl won’t ask you. It sucks to get rejected, but it sucks worse tugging your wiener alone in your basement throughout the new decade. Ask a girl, get slammed, ask a girl, get slammed… Yes it’s a pattern, but IT WILL END. One girl will say yes, eventually. I promise! (NOTE: Don’t keep asking the same girl. Trust me, okay? She’s not interested. But someone else is.)

B. PRACTICE NOT-SUCKING

Not-Sucking is your first step toward having a girl say “Yes” to a date. As a former nerd, I truly believe every social outcast knows what behaviors are geeky and which are slightly cool. Social acceptance requires one skill and one skill only: Acting. Cool guys act like other cool guys. They look in the mirror and teach themselves how to smile without any buckteeth protruding. When they see a cool haircut, they try it out when they visit the stylist (NOT barber, Cletus). Eventually, the nerd learns to ACT less nerdy. You’ll master the intricacies of one pick-up line, then two, and eventually you’re making up your own. Not overnight, but you’ve got to start somewhere. Remember that awesome Enterprise model you built with all the fiber optics? That’s the feeling of accomplishment I’m talking about. Set a goal!

C. CREATE A PERSONA, BUT DON’T LIE TO YOURSELF

Girls are a demonic paradox in that they love being lied to, as long as they KNOW they’re being lied to. This is known as the “Bad Boy Syndrome,” wherein bikers tell college coeds that they’re looking for a commitment, and the girl believes him because she wants to see just how big that bulge in his Levi’s will get. If you’re a nerd, start thinking like a biker. What I mean is this: Think about what women want to hear, then practice making it sound believable. But DON’T GO TOO FAR. You can drop a few roguish Bad-Boy elements into your bag of tricks, but you are NOT a biker. You are a nerd. Take it slow. Later, when you’re bored with sex, you can buy a hog. Or a chopper. (I wouldn’t know. I still love sex.)

D. LEARN HOW TO BEHAVE

Once you get the girl on the date, what to do? For starters, all that gentlemanly bullshit they make fun of in the movies? It works. Open her car door, compliment her shoes, ask her where she got her necklace. She might just have an orgasm right there -- that’s how important this stuff is to her. And not because she’s a Barbie-wannabe, but because she needs to know that you’re paying attention to her. Convince her that you aren’t the self-absorbed, non-listening advertising specialist she dated last week. Remember, she’s not a Playstation game! You’re interactive now, my spectacled friend. Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. If her mouth is moving, be prepared to compliment her eloquence when the movement stops.

E. SAVE UP SOME MONEY, THEN SPEND IT

Some girls think it’s sweet to share a coney at Nathan’s on the first date, but those aren’t the kinds of girls who put out; you’re more likely to swap stories about how both sets of parents messed you up emotionally, and that’s the opposite of sloppy sweat-dripping sex. NO NO NO. What you need is a couple hundred dollars to drop on a bottle of merlot and the most expensive dessert on the menu. She will REEL with ecstasy. And don’t worry about what kind of car you drive (for now); this is about how much you spent on HER, not on yourself. As long as you dress the part and order her a third martini, she’ll be able to tell her girlfriends what you thought she was worth. And that’s really what it’s all about. (NOTE: This is not a hard-and-fast rule. Some girls are actually more interested in your car than your cock. If you sense this is the case, you’ve made a wrong turn. Skip the dessert, cut your loses, head back for Go and collect yet another 200 dollars.)

F. DINNER, NO MOVIE

The perfect after-dinner outing is clubbing or dancing, where you and your date-mate touch each other and get worked up. But you’re a nerd. You want to do something you’re comfortable with, and that means movies. MISTAKE, like a those-rhinestones-you-applied-to-your-Doctor-

Who-t-shirt-in-junior-high-sized mistake. She may enjoy the movie, but she won’t want to have sex with you afterward. If you can’t brave the clubs, consider an extended talk at the restaurant table. You’re still listening to her, right? She loves it! No other scenario is better suited to making her want to invite you inside her apartment later for coffee. (NOTE: She doesn’t want “coffee.” She wants sex. But say, “Sure, I’d love some coffee,” instead of “Thanks, I’d love sex.”)

2. The Great Transition

The date went well? Good for you! All it took was the courage to overcome numerous rejections, and the ability to listen more than you talk. I’m so proud of you. (Back off, dude -- no hugs from anyone in THIS locker room.) And now it’s time for the SEDUCTION. Hopefully you’re in HER apartment, where the curtains match the furniture, instead of your room where a Pink Floyd subway poster covers the ceiling. But if you’re at your place, that’s cool, because she won’t leave right away. What she CAN do is pretend she didn’t want to come back for sex, but only coffee. You must convince her that she wants sex!

(IMPORTANT NOTE: Don’t forget the condoms. Don’t forget the condoms. Don’t forget the condoms. Hey idiot, listen up! Don’t forget the condoms. Your car’s glove box is a good storage place. Do NOT slip one into your wallet -- that didn’t even work in the Fifties.)

A. TAKE YOUR TIME, MR. PREMATURE

Only when a girl feels safe will she want to have sex with another person. Read that sentence again. A woman seeks an emotional connection, even if she isn’t interested in a commitment. That means, once you’re in her apartment, you must continue to listen to her and compliment her. And you thought the hard part was over! Say p-whipped things like, “I’m impressed that your curtains match your furniture.” Then turn around quickly so you glimpse her trying to hide another orgasm. This is also a good time to put on some music. At her apartment, look at her CDs and pick one you genuinely like; at your place, show her what you have. Nothing sucks like making out to music you don’t dig. If she offers coffee, take it. If she offers food, politely decline.

Most important, when you sit down in the living room to continue your gal-pal-style discussion (continued from dinner and the car ride), MAKE CERTAIN you sit on the opposite end of the couch from her. This is where you both start to admit that you’re looking forward to all the sex. If she doesn’t sit on the couch, wander around the living room looking at her framed photos. Make her get up and point out her uncle, then sit down before she can. If you pick the far end of the couch, she’ll feel awkward sitting so far away in the same room. Do not proceed until she’s on the same sofa. (VITAL NOTE: Never take a dump in her bathroom. If you can’t hold it, get out of there quickly but charmingly. The exit line, “I’d hate to ruin a perfect night like this,” is always a sure bet. Remember, keep hope alive for Date No. 2)

B. TAKE A FEW LIBERTIES

Once on the couch, you’re golden. It’s that important. You can watch TV or talk or flip through photos… doesn’t matter. Just don’t leave the couch, because it’s time to INCH. Simply put but laboriously executed, you must find ways to reduce the distance between you and your date on the couch. Shift your body, especially the legs, and lean forward then back then forward again. DON’T GIVE UP! Pay special attention to the girl’s body language. You’ll be surprised how easily you can tell if she’s moving toward you. (To clarify: If she immediately sits beside you on the couch, you just bowled a strike. Proceed quickly.)

C. TAKE CONTROL

Oh boy, Charlie, your moment of truth has arrived. You’ve gotten away with innuendo and body language for a few hours, but the time for pussy-footing is past. You must now INFORM her that you are physically attracted to her and would like to make out. No, don’t repeat that word-for-word! God, you really are a stroke-monkey, ainch’ya? Start with a devilish grin, a coy denial, a wringing of the hands. Draw her in --make her interested. But eventually, you must verbalize your intentions. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you all night, actually.” Or perhaps try, “I’m seriously considering leaning in to kiss you right now. The decision really isn’t mine, it’s something inside me.” And wow, here’s a classic that can have surprisingly strong success: “May I have your permission to kiss you?”

What’s that? You’re not comfortable saying silly shit like that? Well tell me then, how comfortable are you jerking off to a fantasy starring the girl you just dropped off at 8:30? Get it together! I’m not telling you to come across as a weepy puss or a manipulative line-regurgitator. You’re simply looking for a good transition from Friendly to Frisky, and a verbal declaration can do a lot to dissipate the ambiguity. But try what feels best. If she leans in, you lean in. If you’re dancing to the CD she put in, then stop, lean back, look deep into her eyes, and move in slowly for a soft brushing of the lips. See what I mean? TRANSITION. It’s all about paying attention to the girl, and after that long-ass dinner, you’re an expert.

D. TAKE THE DIVE

Once your lips are on hers, make it last. Let her hands go where they want, then mirror her hands. This way, you only cross over the unspoken barriers after she does it first. The alternative is you pawing an uninterested girl with the nerdy moves you learned from Internet porn. Dig deep, find your resolve! You got this far, nerd… keep running for the finish line! Stay classy, stay respectful. In this phase, you’re still making her feel safe. There are a number of ways you can screw-up a simple make-out session, but the best way to avoid disaster is just to keep your focus on First Base. Kiss her, hold her, caress her arms and back (maybe the butt). Breathe on her neck, nibble her earlobes. (These techniques are very hard to get wrong. Trust your instincts, unless they’re telling you to lick her forehead.) And most important: SHUT THE FUCK UP. Now that you declared your intentions to kiss her, nothing more need be said. Examples of regrettable phrases include: “God, you taste so good.” “Wow, you’re the best kisser ever.” “Oh yeah, keep licking my tongue with yours.” In addition to being utterly nerdy, these observations are redundant. Speak with your flesh, not your words.

E. THE GENIUS MASSAGE (for information purposes only)

I hesitate to mention the following piece of the SEDUCTION module, but I’d hate to see you let such a magic opportunity pass you by: If you should be lucky enough to find yourself massaging the girl’s neck and shoulders, you have found a short cut to Second Base. The great thing about a massage is that it makes a girl feel safe (relaxed and appreciative of your role in the relaxation) at the same time it makes her completely vulnerable to your advances. Your hands are all over her! Once you’re even moderately certain that she wants to play around a bit, you’re virtually free to cop a feel of those fun fluffies bobbing around on her chest (i.e. boobies). It’s smooth sailing from there. BUT since this set of circumstances rarely happens on a date between people older than 17, you probably won’t get to try this. Which sucks, because I have, and it’s awesome.

3. On The Bed, and Other Furniture

Goddamn, you’re kidding a girl! Believe it or not, you are already in the FOREPLAY stage. (Nerd Glossary: foreplay (n); the playing around before the sex; a necessary component to ensuring sex, the absence of which may lead to the absence of sex.) Can you believe it? You’re sustaining First Base with an actual woman! And as any baseball fan knows, the only reason a runner visits first is on his way home. What? You don’t watch baseball? What a fucking nerd. But hey, you’re doing great, I take it back.

A. SECOND BASE (EXTENDED MAKE-OUT)

I know what you want to ask: “When is the right time to get a handful of boob?” It’s hard to say, but I can safely assure you that you WILL get to fondle boobs. There are no guarantees in life, but in my experience, any girl who will French kiss you for more than twenty minutes is looking forward to letting off the steam you’ve built inside her. (That’s another euphemism for having sex.) Second Base, or the exploration of the chest, is solidly in Part 3 of the SEDUCTION plan; only rarely does one find himself playing with tits (above or below the blouse) and not face the eventual opportunity to take off the girl’s pants as well. (This frustrating anomaly is common among teenagers, but How-To article is on a less legal website.)

It’s vital that you continue to be patient. I know Mr. HotHead is ready to pop out and say hello, but the moment you get ahead of yourself is the moment you destroy the environment of safety that you worked so hard to create. One common occurrence is that a girl will let you feel her up through the bra but then gently push your hands away when you try to get UNDER the bra. Do not be discouraged. Continue to tunnel under, always at a slow, unthreatening pace. You won’t get better at it, but SHE will get hornier, and she’ll change her mind. Her nipples are hard, and she wants to do something about it without having to stop kissing you. BE ON THE LOOKOUT for the “Dry Hump Window;” once she’s sitting on your lap, grinding against your hard cock through both your pants, then you’ve found another shortcut, and this one is much more likely than the Genius Massage shortcut. Do your best to get her into position, because it’s very simple to remove her shirt and bra. Don’t force it, but watch for it. (A similar situation is when you lie on top of her and grind between her legs. This is a lot less presumptuous than you might think.)

B. GETTING NAKED

When it’s time to go from Making Out to Getting Naked, you have three options (see next). Before you start any of the three, make sure you’ve collected the following components like those gold coins in “The Legend of Zelda.” They are: 1) Her shirt open or removed. 2) Her hands tugging at your skin (shoulders, back, arms). 3) Enough kissing to make her want more; pay close attention to body language to find the cut-off point. 4) Her legs open with you grinding her crotch with yours.

Above all else, be on the look out for her to take off YOUR clothes. Everything stated up to this point is academic dribble once the girl starts coming on to you. This doesn’t mean you don’t still have work to do, but it does mean you have less signs to wait for before you start undressing her.

How to undress her? Again, TAKE YOUR TIME. The bra clasp is not that difficult, especially for someone who plays six hours a day of online Doom. Go slow, don’t get nervous. The main point is to avoid pinching her skin or giving her any friction burns. (Save those for latter… grrrr.) Now I know what Penthouse told you -- it’s fun to tease a girl, and she’ll enjoy it. That’s a lie. Once she’s ready to get her pussy rubbed, you need to pull those panties off with haste. Once you’re naked, it’s all a matter of sticking it in.

(IMPORTANT NOTE: Don’t forget the condoms. Did I say this already? At your place, have several on hand. At her place, ask if she has protection. If she doesn’t, excuse yourself while you slip your pants on and go back out to your car. If you’re done your job right, she won’t mind at all. Don’t bother to apologize… just hurry!)

OPTION 1: THE COUCH -- Stay on the couch if you like the girl being on top. She definitely likes it on top, because she can aim your cock at her G-spot. (If you want to hit it for her, go Google the subject.) Also, you can stretch out with either one on top, missionary style, provided the couch is long enough.

OPTION 2: COUCH-TO-FLOOR -- If she’s too horny to make it to the bedroom, oblige her. Put her on her back beside the couch, then slip inside her. Down on the floor, you’ll have a lot more room to roll around and switch who’s on top. Be careful not to crush her, especially if you’re an overweight nerd as most are. Hey, don’t worry about your weight now… you’re fucking an actual girl! (Avoid doggie-style for now. We’ll get to that in Part 4.)

OPTION 3: COUCH-TO-BED -- It’s best to get her on the bed, but there’s a devious drawback to immediately moving the action to the bedroom: You increase the odds that you’ll only get to have sex one time. Why? Well Stevie, because you’re a lifelong masturbator, and that means you’ll come quickly the first time. On the couch or the floor, your premature ejaculation is actual a great time to transition to the bedroom and continue to fuck until she gets hers. But in the bedroom, you may inadvertently give the impression that you’re done. She’ll be pissed, and she may even get up and put on her bathrobe. That would suck. In a nutshell, feel free to move straight to the bed if you can hold your climax until she’s had her first one.

C. THE ART OF COMING

Oh nerd, my nerd, we both know you’re single greatest fear. You can’t help wondering if you’ll come before she does, leaving her dissatisfied and wondering if she made a mistake by letting you fuck her. This is where all the other advice comes into play. Have you made her feel safe? Have you listened to her inane chatter? If you have, she’s more likely to believe you want her to orgasm, and she’ll give your wiener a second chance to drill the hole. Don’t be nervous -- just stay classy, be forthcoming, and have fun. If you have to put on a second replacement condom, do it quickly, then get back in the ring.