Submissive in Surrey
Chapter 8
Offer and Acceptance
"I want you to work for me."
The words hung in the air. I became aware of every tiny sensation I would normally perceive only dimly. The cold, perspiring glass I was holding; the slight fragrance of the gin; the bitterness of the tonic water clinging to my tongue; the sound of the evening rain, pattering on the window; and even my own breathing. The background had become foreground.
The silence drew out, stretched between Jan and me. Her expression, her patient silence was unnerving. I heard a clock tick, too slowly, in the distance.
Too slowly? No. My mind was racing. The world wasn't going too slow, I was going too fast. Still, I had to say something. I was about to ask her if she was sure, but I stopped myself. Jan was nothing if not sure of herself. I envied that. I finally opted for something safe.
"What do you want me to do? And, why me?"
Jan took a sip of her drink before answering. "I'll tackle the last question first. Why you, indeed? After all, we've known each other less than a week. And yet, in that time..."
She paused for a moment. The hint of a grimace appeared on her features. "As you've seen, I'm far from a paragon. I have some pretty severe issues with trust. You took a punishment from me because of that, a punishment I regret inflicting."
"Water under the bridge," I answered with a wave. I wanted to say more, but decided to let Jan talk.
"I told you before that two of my servants conspired to embezzle from me. That prompted me to sack them, and all my other staff. This wasn't long after my father died, and it left me alone in this big house, trying to run it as well as establishing my practice, and other things. I found I wasn't even managing to feed myself properly. That's when I hired Myf to be my chef and housekeeper. That was a big leap of faith in the beginning, but, well, you know what happened."
"You fell hard for her. And she, for you. I've got eyes," I replied.
"Yes. But that didn't change anything. I still needed my chef, and Myf still needed the work, so we kept our professional relationship in parallel to our personal one."
"It can't be as easy as that," I said, and sipped my drink. "Not all the time."
"It isn't. But we're getting away from the point. Myf opened the door a little and showed me that there were people out there who were worthy of trust. I knew I needed someone else in my employ, but I could see no other good candidates, but then you, almost literally, fell into my lap. At first I thought little of you. You were hurt, so I undertook to heal you and compensate you for your injuries, but then something unusual happened. You refused to take any money from me, although you sorely needed it. I put that down to self-loathing and stubbornness, until I threatened to punish Myf in your stead, and you wouldn't have it. You insisted on taking the punishment yourself, and then I realised it."
"Realised what, exactly?" I wondered.
"That what you had, was integrity."
I said nothing at first. Before the great failure that woke up my Ugly Voice, I wasn't wonderful at receiving compliments; and these days, I was even worse; but I had to respond to that somehow. "All right," I started, "that's the why, I guess. So what do you want me to do?" I imagined myself in Myf's French maid outfit. "I'm terrible at walking in heels, by the way."
"Not at all what I had in mind for you," Jan replied, "but before I go into specifics, I'll say this. I have my fingers in a large number of pies, so to speak. I have many properties and investments in Surrey and out. I'm involved in charities both close to home and nation-wide. I was born with the extraordinary good fortune to never have to worry about money, thanks to the acumen and industriousness of my ancestors. But in one way, I'm as poor as a church mouse."
"I can't see how, Jan," I said. "You're wealthy, influential, talented, beloved of the community and the single most beautiful woman I've ever met, so how -?"
"Time, Annette. Time. The great equaliser. The one thing I don't have enough of. The one thing I can't make, buy or steal. I've been steadily running myself into the ground, trying to be all things to all people at once, when I want to save my precious time for the things that matter the most."
I nodded. "Your medical practice. And Myf."
"Essentially, yes." Jan fixed her gaze on me as she answered, and its intensity made me swallow hard before I answered.
"But what can I do to help you? I don't have any skills..."
"I'd argue that point," Jan said, "but let's start with what you can do for me right now. I've two things in mind, for which you've shown capability already. I want you to be my chauffeur, first of all. You've shown you can drive in a calm and capable manner, and the opportunity to simply relax in the passenger seat, stress-free, while someone else drives will make me fresher for surgery. And if you drive, I should be able to perform procedures in London without having to stay in a hotel overnight - meaning I'll be able to spend more time at home with Myf. And, with you."
"That... that makes sense, I suppose. And the other thing?
"Haven't you guessed? I want you to finish what you've already started and completely restore the Mini. I'll provide whatever resources you need to do it, of course." As she said that, Jan slid a plastic rectangle across the table to me. "Your credit card. For expenses."
As I picked up the card and stared at it, Jan continued. "After all, my emissary should have her own distinctive mode of transport."
I gasped audibly at the implications behind Jan's words. "But... what you're describing isn't much more than a taxi driver, not an 'emissary'."
Jan fixed her gaze on me again, this time with a small, lopsided smile. "Give it time."
"So... there's more to the job?"
"There is, or will be. It depends on you. Over time, you'll take on further responsibilities as your confidence and capabilities grow. For example, you could take over the running of the household accounts, do payroll for the contract cleaners and gardeners I employ - as well as for yourself and Myf. Ultimately, you could stand in for me at the board meetings of the major charities I support, or be my representative in other ways. Oh, and the Gehenna Club's manager wants to retire. I think you'd be tailor-made for the job, and it's only part-time..."
The Ugly Voice was roaring in my ears, telling me this was a joke, that it was all kinds of wrong; that no one would ever trust me with such responsibility. "I... I don't know. That seems like a lot," I mumbled, cautious about even speaking clearly. "I don't know how to do any of those things."
"You don't yet," Jan countered. "But you have a quick mind. A formidable one. And if we can just get under that shell of self-doubt, I've seen that wellspring of courage you have. If you let it, it will fuel your ambitions."
Jan must have seen the doubt working on my face. She went on. "But that's in the future. As I said, you'll start with things I know you can do. Anyway, you're probably thinking now about what's in it for you. I will, of course, pay you a salary I'm sure you'll find generous, in addition to room, board and expenses. I know you feel bad about owing your family, so you'll be able to send money home to extinguish that debt over time. But just as important as any of that - you'll feel better about yourself. You'll have direction and purpose."
I felt myself nodding. Jan smiled slightly. "There are conditions, however."
"Conditions?" My inbuilt Aussie bullshit-sense was giving me a slight tingle. "Some kind of sex thing?"
Jan laughed. "Hardly! There's a couple of things. First of all, I don't want you to give up on the law as a profession, so..."
"I can't, Jan," I interrupted. "I was made to show cause why I should still be able to be a student-at-law. I wasn't able to show cause. That means I can't study law at any Australian university for at least another two years. I'm sure that would follow me here."
"I thought that would be the case, so I found you a short business course that was at least law-adjacent. It's mostly things like bookkeeping, but there is a class on contract law as part of the course. It's at the same local college where Myf studies, and you should find it interesting enough to hold your attention. Completing that will work in your favour when you start studying law again."
"When? Not if?" I asked.
"When. Not if. I'd bet the estate on it."
Paid work. Being useful. Staying here, and being able to study as well?
"I've got to admit, you make it sound tempting, Jan. So what's the other condition?"
Jan's eyes became - softer, kinder, somehow. "I'm not going to beat around the bush. You need help, Annette, help I'm not qualified to provide myself. I want you to see a colleague of mine. A psychiatrist. Someone who can help you with your issues."
And there it is,
the Ugly Voice said.
She thinks you've lost it. Just like I do.
I tried to breathe properly but found myself gulping in air. "I, I know, there's something - wrong with - me... but... I don't know how - to fix it..."
Jan swept me into her arms and held me. "It's all right, Annette, no one thinks badly of you. There's no shame in it."
"I, I h-hate not knowing... not having the answer... why don't I know?"
I let Jan hold me while I tried not to hyperventilate and eventually succeeded in getting my breathing under control. "I'm not really qualified to have an opinion," she said, "but I know this. You are perfectly sane. I think you have an anxiety disorder, and I think Carol can help you. You don't have to face it alone."
I felt a shuddering sob course through me. I couldn't stop it from colouring my voice. "Why are y-you being so g-good to me?"
Jan looked me in the eyes, brushed away a tear with a gentle swipe of her thumb and favoured me with a beatific smile.
