'Roll over, Rover.'
I briskly obeyed. From my lowly position crouched on all fours, I quickly rolled on my side, down onto the grey dirt and kept on rolling right over. Briskly is the way commands are obeyed in Karen's Kennels. I learned that quickly. The world rotates around me, first I see the white trainers of Millie, my personal dog handler, then up her tanned legs to her loose, high cut, soft pink shorts that flapped against the top of her plump thighs in the light breeze. This vision was followed by a quick impression of Millie's shaded face surrounded by golden curls, a small frown creased her brow as she busily tapped on her phone. Next, the blue sky above her wheeled by, and finally the low line of Texas ash trees that bounded the property, till I ended up as I started, crouched down on all fours once again, staring at the dirt of the backyard at Karen's Kennels which now seemed to sway slowly from side to side. I was slightly dizzy. This had been the third roll over command in the last ten seconds. Millie must be on a long text conversation.
'Good boy. Treat?' she said absently, still tapping on her phone. I was low down in her list of immediate priorities, it would seem. Such is the life of a dog, a bit of an afterthought.
'Woof.' I quickly hopped into the 'beg' position, gaping my mouth wide open, letting my tongue hang out and panted eagerly. No shame in it. This is the way it's done in Karen's Kennels. I'm a happy puppy about to receive a treat from my trainer. It doesn't get much better than that. Not at Karen's kennels anyway.
'Here, Rover. Take it,' said Millie, dropping the treat onto the gravel at her feet, without her fingers seeming to pause from their tapping on her phone. The first two times Millie gave me a treat she held it out for me to take from between her fingers, but now she just drops it on the ground. Is she losing interest in me? Or maybe this twenty year old, or less, doesn't like a fifty-six year old fattie licking her fingers, even if he is wearing a doggie head harness and doggie outfit. I don't know, but I'm prepared to live with it. Especially since it's late in the afternoon and Millie's occasional treats are the only food I've got since arriving at Karan's Kennels early that morning. It seems that every morsel I get has to be earned. The small cube shaped doggie treat tastes vaguely meat flavoured. I get my lips around it, taking a few bits of grit from the yard with it and crunch it down. Yummy.
'Heel, Rover,' says Millie, walking away from me. I lumber along on all fours as quick as I can, Anxious to get myself just behind Millie's left foot. All fours is the rule for moving around in Karen's kennels. I am on my mitted hands and feet with my legs well bent, knees almost touching the ground, my butt up in the air. I waddle along as best I can. Elegant it is not. Dignified it definitely is not. But I'm doing it like that because Millie had trained me to do it like that. She said it's faster than if I'm actually on hands and knees. Maybe, but it's hard work on my fifty-six year old bod.
I know her name is Millie because that's what the driver of the van called her when I was brought to Karen's Kennels earlier. 'Here, Millie,' she called. 'I've got one for you.' And Millie came over to haul me out of the van to begin my three days puppy play training.
My transfer to the kennels had happened quite quickly and unexpectedly. First thing that Sunday morning, Mary, my wife, or, to be correct, my owner for the duration my pet play life, had let me out of the dog crate. She removed the bone shaped gag from my mouth that had made sleep more difficult. More difficult than trying to sleep already was when you are cramped up in a dog crate for the night. I licked Mary's feet and legs eagerly, anxious to show her how grateful I was to have been let out of the crate and to have the gag removed. I think she expects her pet to show a bit of enthusiasm for its owner in the morning.
'I guess somebody is happy to start their second day as a dog. Isn't that so, Rover?' said Mary as she clipped the long lead to my dog collar and opened the back door.
'Woof.'
'Let's get you started then, Rover. Today you will go on your big trip to the kennels for your puppy training adventure,' she said cheerily, leading me out into our back yard to tie my long lead off to the olive tree as she had done the previous day. I immediately went over as near the boundary fence as I could reach, pulling the long lead out to its fullest extent. I adopted the undignified 'display' position, that is bent over with legs apart and straight, head near the ground. Mary insists on this when I am relieving myself, in this case, having a pee.
In the middle of peeing, I heard my breakfast ration of kibble bounce and scatter along the patio. Mary shouted a quick 'Eat up, Rover,' while smartly closing the kitchen window. No friendly chat with her pet dog over breakfast then. No heads up on how exactly my day was about to develop. Like, when was this kennels trip going to happen? Maybe she wanted me to live in the now. She has hinted as much. Pets don't know what the future holds she said, and don't worry about it. An okay philosophy, I suppose, for a pet. And I am her pet. Why? Because I wanted to be her pet. For seven days anyway.
Though I didn't know it then, that shouted 'eat up' instruction would be the last interaction I would have with Mary until I was returned to her following my three days pet play training.
I got down to the serious business of breakfast. Besides focusing on eating my crunchy kibble because I was hungry, I had to concentrate on clearing the patio of every last scrap. There would be a cost paid for any kibble pieces I missed that were later crunched underfoot by Mary. She would add a day to my dog life for each bit of kibble so crunched. That was the threat that hung over my breakfast, making it a nervous time. I was busy sniffing and rooting along the margins of the lawn and the patio slabs for any final stray bits of kibble when I heard my name being called, my dog name that is.
'Is that Rover, I see? Come here, boy.'
Looking up, I spotted a mature full-figured woman in a grey boiler suit coming around the side of the house into the yard. She wore a matching grey baseball hat with a logo on the front that I couldn't make out. I was prepared to guess it said 'Karen's Kennels.' In one hand she had one of these loop things that you see dog wardens holding, a dog control pole. Her other hand was patting her knee, doing that 'here doggie' thing that brings pets running all excited towards their owners. Well, since this person was a stranger to me, I had no intention of running over to her, all excited puppy style. Also the fact that I was naked with my balls and cock hanging freely and she was a unknown woman had an inhibiting effect. But, at the same time, I put 'stranger danger' and all that aside, because I realised immediately that Karen's Kennels had come to collect me - right now!
The previous night, as she put me to bed in my crate, Mary had said that this would happen sometime today, but never gave a specific time. So the arrival of this person in our backyard while no accident, was just a bit sooner that I was prepared for.
Accepting that the next phase of my puppy play adventure was about to commence, I stood up. Still tied by my long leash to the tree in the middle of the yard, I knew the leash wouldn't let me reach to the side of the house. So I couldn't obey this person's request anyway. Not that I intended to resist it. No, this was going to happen and I accepted it. Though I was a bit disappointed that Mary had decided to dodge the touching farewell scene that usually accompanies the parting of the puppy from its loving owner, even if it is only for seventy-two hours. Maybe she is inside crying her eyes out, unable to face it, I speculated, in a wild flight of fancy as the grey clad dog catcher steadily approached.
'Down, Rover. Down on all fours,' she said, in that firm commanding voice, that assumed it would be obeyed. Patting the air downwards as she approached, making her wishes all the clearer. And I did go down on all fours, willingly. Took on a more dog-like pose, and waited docilely. There was something about her persona that said she was in charge. That I should leave everything to her. That I should just do what she says and everything would be alright. She'd done this lots of times before, I supposed, as she reached my side and quickly slipped the loop of her control stick over my head. I decided to call her the 'dog catcher' until I had another name for her.
'Good dog,' she murmured tentatively patting my head. Ready to snatch her hand away if necessary. Ready for the vicious snarling snap of an angry Rottweiler. Used to treading carefully around strange animals. Not knowing whether she was dealing with a biter or a poodle. I felt her quickly and quietly tighten the wire loop around my neck. Not super tight, just enough for me to know I couldn't pull my head out. She unclipped me from my leash and led me towards the side of the house. I followed behind her heavy brown work boots tamely, on all fours, sensing her relax as she realised she had a poodle on the end of her pole and not a Rottweiler. The dog catcher had done what she was sent to do. I was hers now. Whoever she was. Wherever she was taking me.
As we turned the corner from the back yard I saw that she had reversed her van up the driveway and parked alongside the side of the house, back doors open. All ready to load up her captive animal.
'Hop up there, Rover, and we'll get you settled.'