Daddy and I have been almost inseparable lately. The sweet (and filthy) messages, late-night movies, morning snuggles, breakfast in bed...
It's heaven. I missed being his princess.
And now that we get to experience each other on an entirely new level? Ugh, I just want all the good things all the time.
But...
When mom is home, everything changes. When mom is home, I feel rage.
Suddenly, I'm not just his girl anymore.
Suddenly, I'm forced back into one of two familiar roles: obedient or defiant.
Submissive or brat.
Either way, when the sun is up, I'm not his. Not fully. Not the way I want to be.
I shouldn't care. He's my dad, not my boyfriend.
I tell myself that every time I feel this way.
Every time he presses a kiss to her cheek. Every time he tucks her hair behind her ear. Every time his voice drops into something softer when he speaks to her, something careful, something that makes my stomach twist into knots.
Every time he laughs at something she says, a real laugh, the kind I used to fight to pull from him.
The kind I thought only I could.
The kind that makes me feel special.
But maybe I'm not special.
Maybe I'm just there.
His fingers graze the small of her back as they pass in the kitchen.
Barely a touch.
Barely anything at all.
But my whole body goes tight.
I pretend I don't see it.
Pretend I don't hear the warmth in his voice when he says her name.
Pretend I don't feel it.
But the feeling is always there.
The sharp, ugly thing curling up in my chest, the thing I don't know how to name, the thing I don't want to admit hurts the way it does.
Because it does.
It fucking hurts.
Because I know what those touches feel like.
Because I know what he sounds like when he's talking to someone he adores.
And I know that I will never be able to have him the way she does.
Because what we have is something else.
Something forbidden.
Something dangerous.
Something secret.
Something that will never be enough.
Because in the daylight, in the moments that aren't just ours, I am nothing to him.
I am just the shadow of something he can't let himself want.
And she is his wife.
His real love.
His real life.
And I am just a mistake he keeps making.
And god--
I don't know what's worse.
Knowing it.
Or knowing that even if it destroys me, even if it kills me, even if it shatters every last piece of who I am--
I will always let him keep making it.
βΈ»
I tell myself I won't listen.
That I won't wait for the sound of the front door closing. That I won't count the seconds until I know she's gone. That I won't hold my breath and hope--
But I do.
I always do.
And tonight, when I hear her keys jingle, when I hear the soft murmur of his voice as he walks her to the door, when I hear the low hum of the engine fade into the distance--
I wait.
Wait for him to move.
Wait for him to come upstairs.
Wait for him to go to bed and pretend like nothing happened.
But he doesn't.
Instead, his footsteps shift, slow, steady.
Closer.
Closer.
Until my bedroom door creaks open, until his shadow spills across the floor, until his dark eyes settle on mine.