It was snowing when I stepped off the bus. Just a soft, dancing snow that melted as soon as it landed. The temperature had been hovering right around freezing all day, though it seemed to have dipped slightly once the sun went down.
I stuck my hands in my pockets and scanned my surroundings as I stepped out of the way of the other passengers getting on and off the bus. None of the faces I could see belonged to my sister. I'd only half expected her to be waiting for me anyway. Her place wasn't far, and I didn't mind walking on my own after being crammed in with strangers for the past couple hours.
Cars passed me frequently as I walked, but the sidewalk was mostly clear of pedestrians. The noise of traffic faded once I finally turned off of the main road. It got to be almost peaceful; just me and my bag, and the faint puffs of vapour forming in front of my face in the chilly night air. I was pushing twenty and only just now beginning to appreciate moments like this. There was something beautiful about being separated from people, and screens, and stimuli in general. It was something my child self had never understood.
I'd only been to my sister's apartment once before, but I had no trouble finding it again. I grabbed the door as someone exited the front of the building rather than calling Jess to let me in. She was on the second floor at the end of the hall. I knocked on the door and a moment later it swung open.
"Oh my god, David! Why didn't you tell me you were here?"
Jess enfolded me in a bear hug before I could get a word in. Her cheek was so warm against mine.
"I told you when the bus would be getting in," I said.
"Yeah, but you could have texted me when you were close. I would have come to meet you."
She pulled back and ushered me inside her small living space. I scuffed my boots on her door mat and set my bag down off to the side.
"I seem to have managed on my own."
"That's not the point. Meeting family at the bus station is, like, festive and shit. Traditional."
"Well, it could be. If it was closer to Christmas maybe. And we were home. This is just a friendly sibling visit. No traditions or festivities."
"Pssh, whatever. It's snowing out. That's festive."
"If you say so."
I bent down to untie my shoes.
"Hey, hang on."
"What?"
"Leave your stuff on. We're going out."
"We are?"
"I've got basically nothing for food in here, so unless you're fasting today..."
"I am not."
"Then we're going out!"
Jess skipped away. I sighed and stayed where I was. I hoped she wouldn't take too long. I was starting to acclimate to the warmer temperature inside, and if I was going back outside I preferred doing it before I got too warmed up.
She came back shortly enough wearing a nicer pair of jeans and a heavier shirt. I shuffled impatiently while she pulled on a pair of boots and a winter coat, then finally we were off.
"So where do you wanna go?" Jess asked.
"I dunno. I don't know what's around, and I also had no plans to go anywhere until about five minutes ago."
"I'll pick then?"
"Yeah, you pick."
Jess nudged me, making me turn my head. She gave me a sickeningly cherubic smile. "Din'tcha miss me, li'l brudder?"
Her smile infected me, despite my token resistance. "You know, I really did. I'm glad I decided to come over for the weekend."
"Me too." She manoeuvred her arm around mine and walked closer to me, acting as though she was letting me lead her somewhere rather than vice-versa. "It's pretty out tonight."
The snow was still falling just as gently as before. It was just starting to form a blanket over the ground. The paths of recent pedestrians and cars were distinct on the otherwise unblemished sheet of whiteness.
"It's nice," I agreed.
"I like this time of year. Before the snow piles up and just becomes a nuisance. The first couple snowfalls are the best."
Jess led me to a nearby diner. I chose a booth that kept us mostly away from other customers. We only just got settled in before the waitress came by with menus and coffee. Jess got a burger and fries. I decided to trust her knowledge of the restaurant's cuisine and ordered the same.
"So," Jess said once the waitress left, "how are things?"
"Things are... things. Life is life."
"Yeah, but really though. How are you doing?"
There was concern in my sister's eyes. She must have picked up on something in our recent talks. One of my subtle cries for help, perhaps.
"I've been kinda stressed out," I admitted. I clutched my coffee mug tighter, wrapping the fingers of both hands around it. Its warmth felt nice on my skin. "School's been kicking my ass."
She nodded. "I've been getting that impression. When you start calling and texting me as much as you have been lately, I have to suspect something's up."
I flushed. "That transparent, huh?" I took a sip of coffee. "Does that mean I should call more when things are normal, or less when they aren't?"
"Neither, silly. I like being able to read you. Most people are way too much work to want to bother with. But then you have to try anyway, because, you know, emotions and shit."
"Uh... yeah, sure. That." Some melted snow dripped down the side of my face and I wiped it away. "Do you ever feel like it's too much? Like there's no way you're gonna make it?"
"Sure I do. Less so now, I guess. It helps once you start to figure out which things aren't worth worrying about." She leaned forward conspiratorially. "And let me tell you, there's a looot of things not worth worrying about that we all instinctively worry about anyway."
"Such as?"
"Well... for instance, your grades."
"You're saying they're not important? Because that seems-"
"No, I'm saying they aren't worth worrying about. Or, like, what strangers think about you. Or the world's political situation."
"Ok, sure."
"Or whether you're succeeding at life. Or what the future holds. Or-"
"Ok, ok. Got it. That's enough of a list."
"It's not a very good list honestly. Just what I could come up with on the fly."
Our food showed up, interrupting our discussion for a few minutes. It was actually a pretty good burger, and the fries were very near crispy perfection.
"Thing is," I said once I satisfied my initial hunger, "people are always telling you not to worry. It's easy advice to give. But actually following through on it is a little trickier."
"Oh I get that. For sure. I wouldn't expect you to just stop stressing about stuff. That's something you'll have to work out for yourself."
"And do you have any advice for that?"
"Not really. It's just one of those things. Wisdom that you can't appreciate until you look back on it later." Jess paused and cleared her throat. "I once had somebody tell me that high school didn't matter. You know, when I was in the midst of it. When I thought it all mattered, and I had to do the best I could or else bad things would happen. They were right, as it turns out. I look back and nothing that stressed me out back then matters at all now. Most of it I can't even remember."
I chewed another bite mechanically as I pondered what Jess was telling me.
"I think I kinda get what you're saying. Buuut it kinda seems like you're suggesting there's no hope for me yet. Not 'til I'm older and wiser."
"Not no hope, just... you're gonna have to figure some things out at your own pace. Everyone has to. It's part of life."
"Great."
"Sorry, this isn't helping, is it?"
"Not so much, no."
"Well, I'm also still here in my capacity as your big sister. That doesn't take any figuring out. How 'bout we put my pseudo-wisdom aside for now?"
"That'd be for the best, I think."
****
We took a different, longer path back to Jess's place. The air had cleared, and the snow on the ground was turning to slush. My sister's spirit was undiminished. She hummed to herself as we walked along and spent a lot of time looking up at the sky, even though there was nothing to see. Somehow, just watching her in such a carefree state made me smile.
It was nice to spend time like that; with no particular purpose. Not having to be somewhere, not worrying about coursework or studying. Just walking. I didn't feel nearly as cheerful as my sister looked, but it was something.
My feet were starting to feel the cold by the time we made it back. I was happy to step out of my shoes and let my toes warm up in the heated apartment.
Jess's first act after stripping her outside layer was to put some water on for tea. I grabbed my previously discarded bag and carried it toward the other side of the room. Once in motion, it occurred to me almost immediately that something was different. The apartment was only one room, not counting the bathroom and a closet, so I should have been able to see everything from the middle of it. Jess's bed was still there, and her tv, her desk... everything I remembered from my last visit except one.
"Hey, Jess?"
"Yeah?"
"Where the hell's the futon?"
I'd assumed I'd be using the same makeshift bed as before, only it most decidedly wasn't anywhere to be found.
"Oh yeah. It broke, so I got rid of it."
"It broke?"
"Uh huh. It was old. Second-hand. Or maybe, like, fourth or fifth-hand. These things happen."
"So where am I sleeping then?"
Jess waved toward her bed in the manner of a model showing off a luxury car to the viewers back home.
"Ok, sure," I said. "And where are you sleeping?"
Jess made the exact same gesture.
"What, both of us?"
She shrugged. "Or you can have the floor. Your choice."
