The Funeral

She stood alone in the crowd of mourners, considering she was burying her husband and mother-in-law it was unusual that people not to come over to her and offer their commiserations.

The news media had not helped, writing about the accident as though they could only draw one conclusion.

A single car accident, taking a bend too fast, hitting a tree and instant death, William, her husband was found with his belt undone and his fly unzipped, Eve, the mother-in-law was not wearing a seat belt.

'You're wearing the appropriate colour I see,' Bill her father-in-law spoke as he approached, 'it suits you, I like the veil as well, no fully-fashioned stockings I notice.' Bill had walked up behind her.

'No, there's enough sexual innuendo about this tragedy without me adding to it, anyway I am all in black, the only colour is a bit of white thigh.' She looked at Bill smiling, it was hidden behind her veil.

'Just think, this time last year we were burying my mother. You had a perfectly presentable black suit if I remember correctly.'

'Yes, but it had a very tight skirt.'

'Aah, difficult to walk in?' Bill surmised.

'No, it showed the bumps where the suspender straps attached to the stockings, again not appropriate,'

'I remember, yes, very nice,' he reminisced.

Just then there was a sudden gust of wind, the women grabbed their hats and skirts, 'damn, I hope my stocking tops didn't show, I'd be all over the local station tonight for all the wrong reasons.'

'The cameras were almost blown away, I think it was all they could do to stop them toppling over,' Bill pointed to the cameras, they were still in a state of turmoil.

'William would be pleased that you look so... well to put it bluntly, so damn sexy, but there again he's not going to know, is he? Where's my grandson Will?'

'He's acting as pallbearer for his father, him and some friends, they all knew WIlliam from his teachings.'

'Following in my footsteps, he'd have made full professor in the not-too-distant future.'

'Did you notice the local newspaper and TV are here, gloating like vultures,' she felt a shudder of distaste run through her body.

'I've threatened to sue them if they maintain this silly innuendo that my wife had her lips around her son's penis.'

'Surely you'd lose,' she asked him.

He placed his hand over his mouth and whispered, 'all sorted out, can't speak now but I'll explain later, you never know who's listening or claiming they can lip read, that's why I thought the veil a good idea.'

'We're meeting at the "Den" for a short wake, you can explain afterwards.'

Later some friends did approach her and sympathised, 'we don't believe what the media is hinting at,' was the general message, but others snubbed her and Bill.

Will drove his friends and Bill took Mary, in his very elderly Rolls Royce, to the "Den of Iniquity", the club where they were holding the wake.

There were some beautiful and heartfelt eulogies, but the afternoon dragged on until later that evening they found themselves alone, 'where' s Will, Bill asked.

'He drove some people home he'll only be half an hour,' she explained.

'So, what plan have you hatched that'll stop these awful rumours?'

'I bribed the forensic pathologist involved to state that WIlliam was suffering from a "grumbling" appendix, hence the need to relieve the pain by undoing his belt and zip, also they were heading towards the hospital.'

'What did that cost?' Mary asked, somewhat incredulous, 'where did you raise the money for that?'

'Didn't cost a penny, I arranged for his son to be appointed as full professor and achieve tenure, of course, when they discover how incompetent he is I'll no doubt have to resign.'

'Wow, that's great Bill, really great, but will you really have to resign?'

'Yes, and they were having an affair, by the way' Bill looked devastated as he admitted the truth, 'they were having an affair,' he repeated, 'anyway I have lots of irons in the fire so don't worry about me.'

Just then Dennis and two of his brothers, Danny and Donald came up and offered their condolences this allowed for a pause in what was becoming a confessional of sorts.

'I remember you guys; you were in my class did you all go into the military?'

Donald spoke, 'we did,' pointing to Danny the youngest, 'served in Iraq and Afghanistan, we're both in the fire service now.'

After a few more condolences they were once again on their own and able to talk.

'It's all my fault you know, about a year ago I was asked by the college principal to teach women students about how to protect themselves as some of them were seeking a military career.'

'Surely the military would do that as a matter of course.' Mary interjected.

'Bill smiled, 'no protect themselves from being sexually assaulted by members of their own unit.'

Mary frowned but said nothing.

'So, we had an introductory day, give the students an idea of what it was all about, nine women turned up out of ten applicants, so there I am introducing the course, and a man turns up dressed as a woman.' Bill took a swig of his beer, 'I asked his name, and he wasn't the person who had not turned up, so I said it was women only course.'

'Well, all hell broke loose, accused me of being transphobic, sorry Ms, I said you can't just casually turn up, it's a self-defence course for woman to fight of a rapist, anyway he caused such mayhem I cancelled the session, he complained, and I was suspended.'

'We never heard the full story,' Mary said, 'you weren't able to speak about it.'

That's right I was slapped with a gagging order, I followed every condition they insisted on and after six months was awarded a very large sum for wrongful dismissal, all nine of the women spoke up in my defence, I also had the diversity officer resign their post, that was the best bit, that and getting my job back.'

'If you made so much money, why haven't you retired?'

'I went to the Gulf on a short-term basis and enjoyed it, made even more money so I have no real incentive to retire.'

'So how come.... you know, Eve and William?'

Bill took a deep breath, 'just between me and you I suffered from erectile dysfunction, the stress and everything, also Eve had lost interest in sex, well with me anyway.'

'How could you be so sure she was having an affair?'

'Whenever I was away and unable to provide her with sex, that's what she did, she hid it well, she also sent for pills to correct erectile dysfunction, twice, but nothing arrived, Eve put it down to our "out-of-the-way" location.'

'Oh,' Mary's responded.

'She only married me because I had a large penis, still have of course,' he added laughing, 'sorry, are you okay with this?'

'Of course I am, this is the time to talk.'

'She came close to marrying someone else, we had a row about it, and she called me Billy, I told her William or Bill, she responded by calling me "Silly Billy", it angered me, and I threatened her with an over-the-knee spanking, she said it was not possible to spank a woman unless she co-operated, so I put her across my knee, she struggled but failed to free herself. I spanked her over her skirt, no intention to cause pain of course, just show who was boss, but Eve, being Eve always had to win an argument and sneeringly said "it didn't hurt". So, I took my life in my hands and raised her skirt, she was wearing stockings, the sheerest underwear, when I finished spanking her, she did the strangest thing.

Bill paused and they each took a sip of their drinks; Mary was feeling aroused and tried not to squirm in her chair.

'What did she do?'

'She went to the wall mirror, turned her back to it, lifted her skirt, pulled her panties down and saw just how red she was. I took up my camera and asked did she want a photo, she slapped my face and I literally saw stars, she packed one hell of a punch, then she placed her hands on both sides of my face and kissed me, talk about passion.

We backed up against the wall, she was trying to unzip me, and I was trying to push her panties around her ankles, anyway we both succeeded, I held her up, she opened her legs and I managed to slip it inside her. We paused for breath then went ahead. I managed to give her the best orgasm of her life, her words not mine, and that was it, we ended up getting married within six months.'

'You've got one hell of a way to pay courtship to a lady, Bill, I got to hand it to you.'

Bill gave a wry grin, finished his beer and offered to take her home, she replied that Will would return and take her home.

'It's going to be strange entering an empty house, all the other times when I was away, she was always waiting for me.'

They said their goodbyes and left for home; it was a week later that she next heard from Bill.

'Hi, how are you, okay, rumours not resurfaced about William and Eve?'

'No, Bill, no, everything is in the past, it's yesterday's news after all'.

Eve waited a moment but there was nothing more forthcoming, 'You sound a bit down, is everything okay?'

Bill gave a deep sigh, 'well, not really, I was tidying up and found two packets of pills, they weren't "Viagra", which is the only cure for erectile dysfunction that I know about, anyway I decided to take one and sure enough I'm cured, even if it's only temporary.'

'That's good news Bill,' she paused, 'why did Eve not give them to you?'

'Yeah, that's the thing, I figured she was deep into her affair with William, and it was better if I was out of the picture.'

'Gee Bill, that's awful.'

'Yeah, but what makes it worse is that I was stupid enough to take one.'

There was silence between them for a good thirty seconds, then Mary spoke, 'what are you going to do, isn't it dangerous to have a permanent erection?'

'Well, there is a term for this, it's called Priapism, after a Greek god of fertility, my favourite story from mythology.' Bill laughed.

'Yes, but Bill, it is no laughing matter, you should do something about it.'

'Okay then I won't mince words, when is the last time you had sex?'

'Me, about a month ago, why?'

'I just thought that if you had gone without sex we might get together and help each other out.'

'Oh, isn't that incest?'

'No, except in the biblical sense, we're not blood relatives.'

Bill waited in silence, at least she was thinking about it, 'give me an hour then come to my place, okay?'

'I'll be there in an hour,' he rang off.

Mary began to plan, first a shower, then she laid her clothes out, no underwear apart from stockings and a garter belt, flared skirt, easier to lift, high heels, Bill was tall, a see-through top, a tasteful one. Bill arrived an hour later. 'I wasn't sure how to prepare,' she told him, raising her skirt, 'what do you think?'

He smiled and approached her, running his hands under her skirt, over her stocking tops, he unzipped and took her hand placing it on his erection. 'Wow, it certainly worked then.' He nodded all smiles.

She turned and led him into the bedroom, guiding him by his penis, she took her skirt and top off, he undressed and followed her onto the bed. She opened for him, and she felt his penis nudging against her labia. He was unnecessarily careful, she whispered, 'I was married to William, I can take it you know.'

He thrust and it went in, she gasped, he paused, she adjusted her legs, and he began to thrust, she orgasmed quickly, it had been so long. She wondered how Bill could keep going without climaxing, for him it had been a year, eventually Bill came and lay on top of her breathless.

'Bill, you're a bit heavy.'

'Sorry, it took so much out of me, I thought I would come straight away.' He raised himself on his elbows.

'I'll tell you Bill, if I'd have known you weren't ready to come, I'd have tried for another orgasm, anyway I feel hungry, shall we have afternoon tea?' and so saying he withdrew, slowly, it got Mary interested again as she felt him sliding out.

She sat across the table, wearing her see-through top, Bill enjoyed the view, 'are you up for another session,' Mary asked? 'I'll get on top this time.'

Bill was tired but didn't want to admit it, 'that would be ideal, let me help clear up.'

They went back to bed, Bill lay on his back, Mary played with his penis then placed it in her mouth, he began to show more interest, 'these pills are supposed to keep you erect for up to thirty-six hours,' Bill told her, though it doesn't hurt to have the extra stimulation.'

Mary nodded, his penis still in her mouth, 'it always helps when the woman is keen,' Mary spoke holding his penis in her mouth, she felt like a ventriloquist, then quickly placed her lips around it and carried on working it around her mouth.

She didn't want Bill to come in her mouth so when she judged he was ready she sat up and straddled him, 'it'll go in easier the second time,' she told him and proceeded to lower herself, deliberately and slowly her vagina enclosed him, she mused to herself as she made the final adjustments, "women have a space between their legs and men have a protuberance, works out perfectly".

She moved up and down, Bill played with her tits, pulling behind her nipples in a milking action, she tried to raise herself as high as possible until only the head was inside her, after a few minutes of playing this game, she began to really move, wildly, Bill really worked on her tits and she had another orgasm, this one seemed better than the last.

She rested her weight on Bill, he took it without any effort, she carried on grinding against him, it produced more, smaller orgasmic waves.

After a few minutes she tensed her muscles, Bill was still hard, 'er, Bill have you come?'

'No, this is not my best position, I can't go fast enough, I'm in no rush, considering I've gone without for a year this has been more than enough.'

'No Bill, that's not how it works,' and raised herself but found the head was still inside, she leant to one side, and it came out, 'come on, we'll do it "doggie" fashion,' she spoke over her shoulder to him as she crouched on all fours.

'I didn't think women were particularly keen on this position, too animalistic, you know.'

'I'm not one of them, one good turn deserves another,' she laughed, 'so I've turned.

Bill pushed up against her thighs, he loved watching his penis disappear inch by inch, slowly.

He started off slow than sped up, thighs banging against thighs, making loud slapping sounds the way it should be, he held her so all he had to do was concentrate on his own climax, he bent over her back as he had his first spasm, giving a mighty shove, he sensed he'd pushed the breath out of her body, hard to tell above the sounds they were both making.

To Mary it seemed ages as he thrust spasm after spasm of sperm into her, Bill slowed down, penis still deep in, "that's not going to show itself for a good few days," he thought to himself.

'Was it good,' Mary asked?

'Better than my wildest dreams, thanks, that was more than most people would have done.'

'The thing is Bill, we've both been short-changed, do you want to leave it in, have it again?'

'No, but thanks, I've had it twice, I wasn't even sure I could have it once, hang on, I'm going to take it out,' Mary groaned loudly and lay face down with her bottom in the air. 'Have you got a lot of pills Mary asked as she got off the bed?'

'Seven more.'

'Well, if you want to try again, I'm available.'

'I'd like that,' Bill kissed Mary, 'time I went, don't want people talking.'

'I'm going to relax, bask in the pleasure after so long without, get home safe Bill.'

Over the course of the next few weeks, it seemed that their problems were solved, though Mary noticed that Bill, even with his pills, was growing less and less vigorous

They were meeting once a week, and the sex consisted of her on top, she had an orgasm each time.

Mary sat astride Bill, 'gee, that was good,' she squeezed his penis with her vaginal muscles, 'as usual she suggested "doggy fashion" as she dismounted, 'sure, why not,' and she turned through ninety degrees as he raised himself off the bed and stood behind her.

She slowly backed up until she felt his penis, "at least it's still hard" she thought, but each time they made love, even in Bill's favourite position he took longer and longer to climax.

She felt his fingers parting her labia and he slid inside her, Bill began to pump away.

He wasn't going as fast as usual, and Mary thought, "it's going to be a long session".

Bill spoke, even though he was still moving in and out of her, 'do you remember about how I,' he paused looking for a suitable word, 'convinced the pathologist to say William had a "grumbling appendix", well his son has screwed up good and proper at the college, the board are insisting that I resign.'

She turned to look over her shoulder, 'you're going to fight it aren't you?'

His penis had fallen out when she turned to talk to him, he reinserted it then spoke, 'no, they said they'll say it's because I'm past retirement age, they'll keep everyone else out of it, best to let sleeping dogs lie.'

Mary was disturbed even thinking about her husband and his mother, her giving him a blow job, causing him to drive of the road, killing them both.

'And another thing, I've been offered a position by Sam, you know, the guy from the Den.'

'Huh, huh,' nodding her head, she didn't want to turn round in case his penis fell out again, 'what's the deal?'

'Short two- or three-months contracts, it's perfect.'

Mary didn't think so, going without his magnificent penis for three months! 'When are you going?'

'Two days, Sam wants me to have a settling in period and that's when he goes.'

'You'd best make the most of this,' and if reinvigorated by his new job began to really bang away, coming quickly, he almost pulled out, then pushed it back in, 'I'll really miss this, you know, obviously I won't be taking any pills while I'm away, it's just that we have a nice thing going,' pushing himself in deep. Then finally withdrew.

"Damn, and I thought I wouldn't need a vibrator or dildo again" she thought to herself, "best stock up on batteries".

Two days later she was at the airport with her son Will, and Helen and Dennis, seeing Sam and Bill off, they went to the Den for a quick drink and drove home.

Mary hadn't seen her son Will, since the funeral though he'd phoned her on several occasions, 'every time I phoned you, you seemed happy, is Bill going away making your, sorry, our loss fresh again?'

She couldn't tell Will the real reason that she was already craving for sex, 'yes, I suppose it does in a way.'

'I'll tell you what, let's get dressed up, I'll book a table at your favourite restaurant, I've got a few emails to attend to, so let's meet up in an hour,' and so saying went off to his bedroom. When he returned, he was in a dinner suit with black tie.

She remarked how smart he looked, 'a dickie bow suits you,' she said, He looked at himself in the mirror, 'I reckon I'm one of the few people who knows how the dickie bow got its name.'

Mary laughed, 'it sounds rude, so I don't want to know,' she was joking, then the taxi drew up, 'come on here's our cab,' he said and the subject of how the dickie bow got its name was lost until another day.

Will opened the door and his mother slid in and shuffled across to the far side, in the process she inadvertently exposed a large amount of white thigh, made the more obvious as she was wearing all black, 'we're both in all black,' she exclaimed hoping he hadn't seen, but he had, and what's more, he had an erection.

The restaurant was half empty and they had a table in a booth by the door. They ordered and had a dance while waiting for the food. Will had a hand on her back and could feel the fastening of her garter belt, he had a light touch and Mary felt nothing. Will preferred women to wear a belt rather than hold-ups, he was quietly pleased with his mother. It turned out to be an excellent evening and Mary's mood lightened considerably. She even forgot about her sexual desires for a while.