"Help!" my sister cried, floundering like a drunk duck in the muck. The muck was already up to the middle of her chest. It was up to the middle of my chest too, but since I was the older brother, and I was the one holding the tree-branch, it was my responsibility to save her from the Deadly Quicksand.
We had no idea we were going to fall into the Deadly Quicksand when we went out exploring this green, sun-speckled glade. The ad read:
5 ACRES, WOODED, YEAR-ROUND STREAM. ALL UTILITIES TO PROPERTY LINE.
There was no mention of quicksand. Even if there had been, our folks still would have insisted we take a look at it. Ever since Sis and I left home and moved up here for college, inspecting property for our folks had become a fairly common occurrence. They'd find a listing on the internet, send us the link, and then Sis and I would drive out to take a look. It was all part of Sis' plan to get our folks to go green, lowering their carbon footprint by embracing the back-to-the-land lifestyle.
"Dammit Bobby! Do something!" my sister whined, as she thrashed her way deeper into the Deadly Quicksand.
"I'm thinking, Sis, I'm thinking." Actually, I was thinking about what I was going to wear to her funereal. She was pretty much a goner, and it was all my fault, since I was the one who just had to cross the stupid moss-covered log that dumped us into the Deadly Quicksand. But hadn't it always been that way? Who was the one, back in the suburbs, who always had to climb the power line tower, or squeeze under the chain link fence up at the reservoir, or skateboard down Dead Man's Hill with no one at the bottom watching for traffic? Yes, it was me. And who was the one always tugging at my sleeve, begging me not to do it? That would be Sis. But we always survived. Of course, back then, we never had any Deadly Quicksand to deal with, so this part of it was all new to me.
"Oh Bobby!" she sobbed. "We're going to die!" She looked at me with that scared-shitless expression, the exact same expression I saw the first time Dad talked her into trying the pony ride at the fair. But she ended up loving the pony ride. Would she end up loving this too?
"Sis! Listen to me," I said, in an authoritative tone, even though I was as scared-shitless as she was. "I'm holding onto the branch. Lunge at me, and I'll grab your hand."
"I can't lunge," she babbled. "It's too far."
Our fingers were just inches apart, like that famous painting, and it occurred to me that perhaps I should say a little prayer. I did. Moments later, my prayer was answered.
"Sis, pull your T-shirt off and we'll use it like a rope."
"You pull your own T-shirt off," she snapped, giving me the icy glare I was so used to.
"I can't, Sis. I'm holding the branch with one hand."
I watched while she pondered whether or not she was going to go topless. The wait was excruciating, so I amended my silent prayer with a silent
Amen, Dammit!
A moment later, her T-shirt emerged from the muck like a soaked flag of surrender.
She twisted her shirt around like we used to do with the towels in gym class when we'd be snapping each other's asses, and then she made a mighty lunge in my direction.
"I've got it," I said, grasping the T-shirt-rope thingy. "Hold on, Sis!" I pulled, but she didn't budge.
"It's like I'm stuck in concrete," she moaned. I pulled again, and the shirt flew out of her hand and sailed up into the trees like a soggy frisbee. It was hopeless. She was screwed. But the sight of her bare shoulders, the glimpse of the side of her white breast when she stretched out to reach for me, this was the inspiration I needed. I would save her at all costs. I would even sacrifice my own life if I had to. But first, I would sacrifice my pants.
I reached down with my free hand and undid my jeans, and suddenly I was coming unstuck from the muck. Just in the nick of time, I remembered the car keys were in my pants pocket, so I fished them out and tossed them up onto the bank. I also tossed my wallet, my lighter, and a condom, but the condom didn't make it, plopping into the muddy pool like an expiring butterfly poisoned by toxic waste.
"Look Sis," I cried, inching myself up out of the evil sludge. "If you just unbutton your jeans, you'll be able to wriggle free."
"I can't unbutton my jeans," she bawled.
"Why can't you unbutton your jeans?" I asked, growing more and more impatient with my annoying sister.
"I'm not wearing any panties," she moaned desperately.
"Why aren't you wearing any panties, Sis? Did you sell them to some pervert on Craig's List?"
"Shut up!" she snapped. "They were all in the laundry. The only clean one was my string thing that rides way up on my hips, and I hate it when my thong is riding up and all the guys are staring at my ass."
Did she know I was one of the guys staring at her ass when her thong was riding up? Was she trying to tell me something, in an indirect way? Did I give a damn? No. I was too busy saving myself from the Deadly Quicksand by escaping from my jeans.
"Sis," I said, waxing pragmatic, "if you die with your pants on, do you have any idea what's going to happen to you?"
"What?" she moaned, with that same look on her face as when I'd told her, years ago, that Santa wouldn't come unless she went to bed without pajamas. (Didn't work, but it was worth a try.)
"The Coroner's going to strip you naked, wash you off, and show you to the hearse driver and the janitor, and anybody else who happens to be hanging around." "Ew" Sis grimaced.
"So, you can either take your pants off now, with no one watching, and let me save you, or you can leave them on until you're dead and then let the Coroner take your pants off." I watched for her reaction. It didn't take long.
"Oh, alright," she sighed, reaching down into the muck. "I'll take my pants off, but no peeking."
"I promise, Sis," I said, craning my neck for a better view. "Don't forget to toss your wallet and your keys up on the bank."
She tried, but since she throws like a girl, her wallet splatted about three feet away, and immediately sank into the Deadly Quicksand with a pitiful 'gulugalug' sound.
"Think about your follow-through, Sis."