The 10 mile journey to Roo's new school involved driving along some of the nicest country lanes I have ever seen in England. At that time in the morning we were pretty much guaranteed to have the roads to ourselves, save the occasional tractor coming the other way. This move to the country 3 months ago had been one of my better decisions - cleaner air, fewer people and an altogether healthier life. The downside was having to drive my 18 year old daughter everywhere.
As we approached the level crossing for the, by now, standard 12 minute wait (two trains would eventually chug their way between villages) my mind wandered. Roo was texting some essential information to her new best friend Hayley. News that couldn't possibly wait until she actually saw her at school in less than half an hour. It always surprised me that there was never anybody about at this part of our journey. So much so that I seriously wondered whether there was some alternative route on a super fast motorway that nobody had told me about.
It was one of those beautiful spring days that just makes nature seem so much more vivid. A strange silence always accompanied us at this crossing, as if we had entered some secret, private place. No traffic sounds, no birdsong just a dense quiet that would eventually be gently broken by the distant trundling of approaching trains. Roo was happier now too. She liked to accompany the sound the car made as it crossed the tracks B-dumm b-dumm - an echo of something she enjoyed as a child.
Of course actually talking to a teenager was out of the question so we both occupied ourselves with private thoughts. Suddenly the answer to 12 across popped into my head and I reached over to the back seat to retrieve my newspaper. 'Have you got a pen?', I asked her.
Without looking up from her phone she stuffed her school bag into my face. Roo wasn't really a morning person.
I rummaged in the bag among the books and paraphernalia and eventually located a shiny purple pen. Suddenly the bag was wrenched from my hands as Roo let out an anguished howl. She gave me a biro and stuffed the bag under her feet, her face bright red.
'What's that all about?', I asked suspiciously
'I just don't like people going through my stuff', she said defensively.
'Well, you gave me the bag. What's so secret that your face has gone like a beetroot?'
Then it dawned on me. Using my special deductive powers on which I prided myself, everything became apparent. She was a drug addict - probably crack - and she was dealing at school to fund her habit. The purple pen was actually a container for her illicit packages, needles even. No doubt she dabbled in prostitution as well. I ordered her sternly to give me the bag. I was going to get to the bottom of this. No doubt there would be a period of cold turkey, a clinic maybe, but I would do everything I could to ensure that my daughter recovered from her - oh...
Roo's face had gone a shade I hadn't seen before - as vivid as the leaves on the red birch.
'Oh', I said again pathetically. 'It's a....thing.'
I absent-mindedly clicked on the clasp of the 'pen' and the vibrator buzzed into action with a light hum. Now completely at a loss as to what to do, I fiddled with the switch in the vain hope that this would maybe teleport me to a different planet at least until the incident was forgotten about - say in a thousand years or so. Unfortunately my clumsy confusion only made matters worse as I activated turbo mode and the purple pleasure-giver took on a life of its own. I shoved the offending item into Roo's hands as if it were some kind of frightened rodent. She calmly switched it off and replaced it in her bag.
Never have I been so relieved to hear a train. There was no b-dumm b-dumm that morning.
...
The following morning I sensed I hadn't been forgiven. It was a crisp sunny day outside, but in the car it was decidedly frosty. Roo was texting. No doubt telling Hayley that, so far at least, her pervert father hadn't strip searched her for marijuana. As we waited by the crossing I had a thought. Maybe I should have just let it go but it was niggling me and I just needed to -
'So...'
'What?', she barked.
'Well...fair enough, you're not a crack whore. I was wrong on that score and I hold my hands up.'