Stay Don't Leave Me

It was around midnight, and as usual I was still up. I loved having the house to pretty much to myself, even if I had to be quiet with everyone else sleeping. Or not quite everyone as the case might be. My older sister Robin had been staying out late on a not-infrequent basis recently, and because she was almost twenty, nothing much was ever said about it. She was old enough to look after herself as far as our parents were concerned.

Since Robin was still out that night, I wasn't all that curious when a car pulled into the driveway, then drove off again soon after. As I suspected, my sister walked in the front door a moment later having just been dropped off. Or at least she tried to walk in.

I heard the sound of someone tripping and falling, followed by a burst of giggling. I sighed to myself and went to investigate. I guessed, correctly, that Robin had come home drunk again. Not that she did it all the time or anything, but when she did I was the only one ever around to have to deal with it.

"Hey bro," she greeted me from the floor, apparently having decided it was comfortable enough not to get up right away.

"Hey. You planning on sleeping there?" I asked, not that she would appreciate the sarcasm in her state.

"Nope. I jus' fell over a bit. Can you help me pwease?"

She held up both her arms, like a child that couldn't get up on its own, and I hoisted her back to her feet. I closed the door behind her too while I was at it.

"Y'know, when you turn nineteen in..." Robin began, before pausing to try and do the math.

"Two months," I supplied.

"Yeah, anyway you should come out with me sometime. It'd be so much fun."

"I bet. Let's just get you to bed for now."

I didn't have to carry her exactly, more just keep her upright as she tried to sit down anywhere there was a seat on the way to her room. I might have let her, except I didn't have a lot of confidence that she wouldn't, say, go to sleep at the dining room table if I let her stop.

"Sheer... seriously though," she said. "We should do it sometime. You'd have fun."

"Ah, but then who would get you to bed if I came home drunk too?"

That seemed to stump her and kept her thinking long enough for me to drag her upstairs and to her bedroom.

"Okay, you can manage the rest yourself, right?" I said. "You're not going to throw up or anything."

"Don't think so. Thanks for the help."

Robin tried to kiss me on the cheek, and ended up closer to the side of my mouth. There was a definite smell of alcohol on her breath, as if I needed confirmation.

"Good night," I said. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Wait. Can you... could you get me some water?"

"That's a good idea actually, you could probably use some."

"Thanks." She beamed happily at me. "I'mma get changed into my pjs while you're gone."

Without a second though she pulled her shirt up and over her head. While still facing me.

"Dammit Robin!" I said, turning hastily around. Not quick enough to avoid learning that she wasn't wearing a bra though.

"What? Oh, right." She giggled again as though it was tremendously funny to her. "M'sorry."

"It's fine. Just... be dressed by the time I get back alright?"

I caught a flash of boob as I left the room since I hadn't been watching out for the mirror on Robin's wall and, consequently, her topless reflection. I tried not to dwell on it, but breasts tend to take precedence in my thoughts. Even if they belonged to my sister.

I took longer than necessary getting back with Robin's water. I didn't trust her to be all that swift in making herself decent so a couple extra minutes didn't seem like they would hurt. Luckily, she was both covered up and still awake when I returned. She had her blanket pulled up over her chest as she reclined in a half-sitting position, and it wouldn't have surprised me if she had nothing on under that, but at least it was something.

"Here," I said, handing her the glass of water.

"Thanks."

She took a couple swallows and I waited in case she was going to give the glass back to me. She seemed to have calmed down quite a bit even in the few minutes I'd been gone. Much more thoughtful rather than giggly.

"I didn't... it didn't bother you too much did it?" she said, staring at her water as though it was distracting her.

"You mean when you took your shirt off?"

"Yeah."

"No, not really. I mean, maybe a little. I can't say I was expecting it."

"I know. It was stupid, I didn't really think about it enough. It was just, like, this impulse. Like I'd just do something for you since you were being so nice an' everything. Kinda dumb though once I think about it."

"You did it on pur... you know what, never mind. It wasn't like it was a big deal anyway. And hey," I said, sitting down on the mattress and placing a hand on her knee over the blanket, "if you weren't my sister I definitely would have appreciated the gesture."

That got a small smile out of her, but it faded after a few seconds.

"It's such an arbitrary thing though isn't it?" she said.

"Oh god, don't start trying philosophy right now. We'll talk about it tomorrow if you really want to."

I tried to take Robin's mostly empty glass from her, but she clung to it tenaciously and I let it go. The brief struggle made her blanket fall away from her chest a little, until just the very tops of her breasts came into view. I tried not to look.

"No really though, like, if I wasn't your sister this situation would be so much different though right? Even if we were still exactly the same every other way."

"Yeah, I guess. You done with that water yet?"

She finished the last of her drink, then reluctantly handed the glass back to me. She looked into my eyes as I took it.

"F'you were another guy, would you wanna stay?" she asked.

I closed my eyes and shook my head slightly, though not as a no so much as in disbelief.

"You really are drunk aren't you? And I almost thought you were starting to sober up."

"I'm not saying... I just wanna know is all."

"That's great, except I think you're already going to be embarrassed enough tomorrow if you remember any of this without us taking the conversation any farther."

I stood up and went to the light switch, but paused just before flicking it off. There was something about the way Robin was looking at me, even if I wasn't sure exactly what. Somehow I just felt like I needed to reassure her even if might be a really dumb thing to say.

"Yeah, I'd stay," I said.

The smile she gave me made me feel good, though I really, really hoped she wouldn't remember me saying it when she sobered up.

****

I could tell right away that Robin remembered what happened as soon as she showed up for breakfast the next morning. It was possible, I suppose, that the wince she gave when she saw me was just from being hungover or whatever, but I didn't believe that was what it was.

"Morning," I said.

"Morning," she mumbled back.

She seemed about ready to turn back around and crawl right back into bed.

"Sooo... you remember last night I take it?" I asked.

"Unfortunately. Look, I'm sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it, we're cool. You were drunk."

"Yeah, I was. I need to cut that out."

"Wouldn't hurt."

Robin thought for a moment.

"Did I really flash you?" she asked eventually. "I think I did, but...."

"Yeah. A little. I didn't see much if it makes you feel any better."

"Great."

"Seriously though, we're cool. Try not to let it get to you too much." I stood up and hugged my sister, and after a couple seconds she returned the hug. "Anyway, I need to get moving. I'll see you later maybe, or whenever."

"Whenever I think I can face you again you mean?" she said, though not entirely seriously.

"Sure, let's go with that."

As I left the room she said something very quietly to me. It sounded kind of like "thanks for saying you'd stay." When I looked back at her she wasn't even facing me so I pretended like I hadn't heard. I wasn't entirely certain I'd been meant to.

****

Robin was a little awkward around me for a couple days, understandably so in my opinion, but no permanent damage seemed to have been done. In fact, by Friday things were almost normal again. She even stayed at the house instead of going out and hung out with me for a while. It must have been to prove some kind of point to me, or maybe just to herself. Either way, it was good to see that she wasn't going to let one incident bug her for too long.

We were in the living room, each sort-of-watching tv while also doing whatever else caught our interest. Generally hanging out in other words.

"When do you think they started using laugh tracks?" Robin asked, no doubt in reference to the show currently on. "Like when did they come up with that?"

"I dunno, a while ago?" I said. "When did they start making sit-coms?"

"It wouldn't have been then though would it? It must have been later than that."

"Yeah probably. Must have been someone who realized his show wasn't actually funny."

"I guess most stuff just ends up getting faked at some point huh?"

"Pretty much."

"Hell, even I do it," Robin said in a much more somber tone. "It just seems to be something you have to do sometimes, you know? Even when you're with people you should be able to be yourself around. Maybe that's why I end up drunk sometimes, 'cause it's just easier."

"Wow, you're really having some issues huh?"

"Yeah, but it's fine. I just need to bitch to someone every now and then. And honestly, you're pretty much the person I have to be the least fake with."

"Really?"

"Well, yeah. I guess maybe just because you're stuck with me no matter what I do, not like anyone else I hang out with."

"Ah, for a second there I almost thought we were going to have a touching moment or something."

"Sorry to scare you like that."

I chuckled a little, but despite her joking I still suspected Robin actually had meant it. In some ways I supposed I just assumed that there was certain level of trust between us, but it wasn't the sort of thing that ever got discussed.

"I'm glad I didn't mess things up too bad with that whole 'flashing you' thing," she said after a few minutes. "I know you said it wasn't a big deal, but stuff like that can make things weird so easily."

"Well I think if I'd had a better look it probably would be weirder. It's way easier not to picture anything inappropriate in my head when I didn't really get to see much."

"Sure, but the downside is you still don't know how totally sweet my boobs are."

"Heh, yeah. Guess I'll just have to live with that."

"Guess so."

That was there was to that particular conversation for a while, but it wasn't the end of it. It was like an itch that wouldn't go away. Just because we knew we shouldn't scratch it didn't mean we could leave it alone. It was actually me that restarted it about a half an hour later in a definite case of speaking without thinking.

"So do you not wear a bra a lot?" I asked, mostly out of nowhere.

I might not be able to picture them, but once the idea of my sister's boobs was in my head, it was hard to stop thinking about them entirely.

Robin gave me a funny look, then shrugged. "Maybe. That's something else you'll just have to wonder about."

"Okay, whatever. I just don't know why you weren't that night."

"Hm, bugging you is it? Admit it, you just want another look."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, that's what I was going for. Totally. I was going to wait until you were drunk again, but I just got impatient," I said without any attempt at covering my sarcasm.

"Knew it. Even you can't resist these," she said, cupping her own breasts to make her point.

The movement naturally drew my eyes, and I kept staring just a second or two too long to pass it off as completely uninterested. I was pretty sure Robin had exactly the same thought.

"Alright, I think I'm gonna go get a drink. You want anything?" I asked to try and avoid the ensuing awkward silence.

"Uh, no I'm good."

"Okay."

I started going to the kitchen, but Robin stopped me before I made it out of the room.

"Hey, wait a sec," she called.

"What?" I said, turning partway around assuming to get a drink order from her after all.

What I got instead was a straight-on view of my big sister lifting her shirt for me. Once again, no bra.

I didn't know what to do, I didn't have any warning to look away this time before I'd see anything. Once my eyes locked on her exposed breasts, there didn't seem to be any point in turning away. On some level, breasts were breasts, and Robin's were no different.

"Nice huh?" she said after a couple seconds, before finally lowering her shirt.

"Uh, yeah. Nice."

Stunned would have been an understatement for how I felt at that point, and I knew I took way longer than necessary getting my drink. I had no idea what to think or do once I rejoined my sister in the living room. We'd just finished talking about how this sort of thing could make our relationship extremely weird, why the hell would she decide to flash me again after all that? I decided I might as well ask on the off-chance she had a good reason.

"So, what's the deal?" I said when I had returned and sat down. "Why would you do that?"

"I dunno, seemed like a good idea," Robin said.

"In what way exactly?"

"'Cause at least now I can feel stupid about something that was actually acknowledged instead of just something that we're trying to pretend never happened."

"That's... really, really dumb."

"Plus I get to feel like my boobies are at least a little bit appreciated, they don't like being ignored," she said, hugging her chest as though her breasts needed comforting.

"You're... I just...."

"You're thinking about them now, aren't you?"

"Yes! Fucking... argh." I was in the middle of a losing battle, I knew enough to recognize that. What I didn't understand was when war had been declared. "Is this a girl thing, or is just you in particular that's insane?" I asked in resignation.

"Aw, baby," Robin said as she placed a hand on my shoulder. "You're a guy. It's the same thing to you either way. You don't have the capacity to understand the female mind."

"Not even going to argue that one."

"Good choice."

"This is, like, going to make things so awkward though. That was exactly what we were trying to avoid, remember?"

"Yeah, I kinda changed my mind about that. I don't think it will."

"Oh. Good. You don't think it'll be weird. That's so great for you. Except, what about me? I still think it will and I'm the one who's got the mental image of your...." I trailed off and gestured vaguely at her chest.

"Just let yourself think about it for a minute. I think if you stop trying to repress it constantly, it won't be so bad. That's what I did."

"Whatever."

I closed my eyes and leaned back, pretending to take my sister's advice. At first I mostly just tried to figure out how to get back to the real world from the crazy alternate universe I'd clearly stumbled in to.

It didn't matter how hard I thought about something else though, not with Robin sitting so close to me. I couldn't exactly ignore her presence when the sound of her breathing or her shifting on the couch reminded me she was there. And of course as soon as I started thinking about her, her boobs weren't far behind. Despite my best efforts I ended up doing what she wanted after all.

"You know, when you're drunk you don't necessarily do stuff you don't want to do," Robin said. "Sometimes it's just stuff you're scared to do normally."

I opened my eyes again to find her watching me intently. She had a look of... not nervousness exactly, but something close to it. She was definitely unsure what I was going to say and was waiting impatiently for whatever it was.

"So when you asked me to stay last night..." I said.

"I get lonely sometimes okay? Why do you think I'm out partying all the time?"

"I never really thought about it that much."

We stared at each other for a moment, like the part in a movie where the main couple is about to kiss for the first time, only we didn't kiss. I didn't think that was where we were headed. Instead pulled Robin closer and I wrapped an arm around her, letting her rest her head against my shoulder.

"Thanks," she whispered.

"S'okay, what are brothers for anyway?"

"Being annoying little shits mostly. 'Cept... you're not like that most of the time. Hate to say it, but I think you might be adopted."

I snorted and mimed swatting her.

"I'd still be your brother even if somehow we weren't related," I said. "Or I'd fill the same roll anyway. I think annoying siblings have less to do with genes and more to do with spending way too much time together."

"You might be right." She smiled faintly. "You ever get that thing where you look at all the people you know and think 'no one really gets me'? Doesn't matter how much you like each other, even your best friend's never going to completely understand you."

"Um, not that specifically I don't think."

"But you know what I mean though?"

"Yeah, I think I do. Like there's some secrets that you couldn't trust anyone to be cool with. Kind of like that?"

"Kind of, yeah. And then, sometimes, you think there's maybe one person who actually would understand."

"Um..." I said, not sure what else to say.

"I'm just saying it was nice hanging out tonight," Robin said, brushing my cheek with her lips before settling in again.

"Oh, okay."

We stayed there longer than we should have, past even my abnormally late usual bedtime. Robin never moved and I didn't have the heart to disturb her by getting up. Occasionally I thought she must have fallen asleep, then she'd shift just a little and I'd know she was still awake. I didn't know what I was waiting for exactly. I assumed my sister would get tired eventually and we'd both go to bed for the night, but she didn't give any sign that she intended to.

After a while it just felt nice sitting there cuddling on the couch, with her body against mine. She was right, things like that didn't have to be weird if we didn't let them. It still wasn't anything I'd be telling anybody about though.

****

I woke up a few hours later, sometime in the very earliest hours of morning when it was too late to still be night but before the sun had made an official appearance. I was on the couch where I must have fallen asleep at some point, and I was alone. It was an oddly disappointing experience when I expected Robin to be there with me and she wasn't.

I stumbled up to my room to get a little more sleep in an actual bed, but stopped before I made it there. Robin's door was closed which could have meant anything, she could very well either be in there or not. I told myself I just wanted to make sure she hadn't gone out and done something stupid, but my real motivations for snooping probably weren't quite that noble.

Her door opened with a turn of the knob, so it obviously hadn't been locked, and I pushed it open gently. There was a person-shaped lump on her bed under the covers which pretty well confirmed that she had returned to her room and that should have been that.

For whatever reason though, I felt confused and maybe just a little hurt that she had come up here instead of staying with me and I couldn't let it go. I walked over to the bed and sat down beside my sister, unable to see much with her face turned away from me. All I got was the back of her head sticking out from under her blanket.

"You awake?" I whispered.

I got no answer, not that I expected one. Her breathing pattern seemed consistent enough that she probably really was sleeping and not just faking. The thing to do at that point probably would have been just to wait until later when we were both awake to talk to her, but my mental state was not in a good place at that point as far as making decisions. I was sleepy and confused and I couldn't stop thinking about my sister and everything that had happened between us recently.