I hadn't talked to my son much for the last couple of years. He got divorced and withdrew from me, saying something about it being my fault when he called to tell me about it, drunk out of his mind.
I decided to give him some space and just sent gentle text messages on occasion to let him know I was still here for him.
He went through some of the usual stuff people do when they get divorced, posting pics on his socials of him working out and getting back in amazing shape, that sort of thing.
So I was surprised when I got a formal invitation in the mail asking me to come to an island getaway for mother's day. My second husband died many years ago in a car accident when my son was very young, and I never had any other children. So it was mostly the two of us.
I assumed he wanted to reconnect and happily accepted.
The first couple of nights were amazing. He had recently made it big in the tech industry with a dating app he'd invented, partly inspired by his divorce, so he rented out the tiny island and it's mansion for the week, complete with staff and delicious meals. We feasted like kings and talked about everything but his divorce. The staff waited on us made sure we didn't lift a finger. It was awkward at first but I quickly go used to their hovering.
On the the third night, we drank wine and then he invited me down to the beach, where a campfire was awaiting us, along with a spread of cheeses and wines. He presented me with a bouquet of exotic flowers too large to carry and invited me to lie next to him on a large velvet blanket next to them.
He was wearing only boxers, his tan skin glistening in the torch lights. I couldn't help but notice how muscular he'd become again since getting divorced. I beamed with pride at having given birth to such a handsome man, and felt sorry for his ex-wife.
He pulled me close and whispered in my ear, like we used to when he was little.
"I love you, mom" he murmured.
"I love you too, baby," I replied instinctively as I stroked his jaw.
"But I really love you, mom. Like, I really love you."
I turned to face him as I continued to stroke his face. "You're my everything, baby. You know that, right?"
He nodded as he looked at me, a strange sorrow in his eyes.
"Forget about that girl, ok? It just simply didn't work out. It happens all the time! People divorce! It doesn't mean you're a failure or a bad guy, ok?"
He nodded again. We looked at each other a long time.
"It's more than that though..."
"You're starting to scare me, baby. What do you mean? Did you do something to her?"
He chuckled. "No, mom! Seriously? No!"
"Then what?" I inquired.
"It's not what I did... just, more... what I didn't."
His hands traced my hips, up and down, as they often did when we talked about serious things. I continued to touch his face. He had no idea how much he looked like his father, and I missed that man more than words could express.
"Tell me. You know I love you unconditionally. You can tell me anything, baby."
His eyes started to well up and I feared the worst. What kind of man had I raised?
"I didn't... I couldn't... I just couldn't!"
"Jesus, what??? What couldn't you? Talk to me, baby boy!"
"I couldn't love her like I love you!"
I pulled back, horrified. What had I done? Had I ruined this kid so he couldn't live a normal life? I had always encouraged his success and independence. Where had I gone wrong?
"No baby, that's ok, shhhh. It's different though, the way you love your mom and the way you love a wife, it's different. It's ok to love us both! You can have us both!"
He buried his head in my neck and sobbed. I held him tight and whispered encouraging words. Finally, he pulled back and looked at me.
"No," he sniffled, "I can't. I just want you. You're all I've thought about for the last 20 years and you married that fucking asshole!"
"Who? Bill? Jesus, are you serious? That was ages ago!"
"I know but I have hated you for it ever since! I hate that fucking guy, wherever he is now!"
"Why did you hate me for that??? He bought you that nice computer and dirt bike and everything else before he died!"
"I know! He was good to me but it wasn't about that. You chose him over me and I had to hear you fucking all the time!"
I can't help but laugh. "Ohhhhh baby! Really? You're mad still about hearing your mother have sex!? I was widowed, not dead!" I thought for a moment. "Wait, is that why you haven't spoken to me for the last couple of years? And been so angry since you hit puberty???"
I watch as your eyes grow stone cold and your jaw tightens.
"It is, isn't it!?"
Your face goes unchanged.
"And you never told me until now??? Are you serious?"
I know every muscle in your face and I know you are feeling angry, betrayed, embarrassed, and deeply hurt. You've been carrying this for a long time.
I'm angry that you've withheld yourself from me for so long over this, but so many light bulbs are coming on and I now understand so much of the anger and tension we've had since I married Bill and you simultaneously hit pubery.
I soften. I keep stroking your face, knowing you are trying not to cry.
"I love you, baby. I love you more than anyone else on this earth. You are my raison d'etre. You always have been and will continue to be. I love you with all my heart and soul. You know that, right?"
I watch as tears crumple from your eyes. You pull me hard against you and bury your head in my neck.
"What can I do to prove that to you, baby?"
After a time, you pull your head back and look at me, sadness and relief both in your eyes. I can sense you want to forgive me and rekindle the closeness we used to have.
