Skid Mark Hunter

Chapter 1.

(Beep, beep)!

"Hey you! Yeah, it's me – Jessie, 'Just caught sight of ya, coming around the corner there. What you got in the case, honey? A vi-o-lin! Hell, I thought it might ta bin a carbine. You know like in the old gangster movies - guffaw, guffaw, and guffaw. You think that's funny huh?" (Chuckle). "C'mon hop in; I give you a lift home in me Jessie taxi. I bin haulin' a load of manure t'day, so don't you mind the whiff. Manure grows them cabbages and carrots an' all. So don't ya' turn that pretty little-learned nose up at manure young-missy. Manure make the world go round see."

"Talkin' 'bout young, young missy: How old are youz anyways, these days? Eighteen eh? Oh! Excuse me-ee, eighteen an' a half – I see, I see: Well-ll, I stand corrected, I sure do." (Guffaw). "My how time flies, it sure does. Why, I remember a time where you were barely knee-high to a load of steamin' shit that jus' dropped outta a pony's ass – if ya' s'cuz the expression, honey, 'cuz Ole' Unkle Jessie ain't got no formal ed-Ju-mactioning such as you'z have, honey. No siree-pop, ole' Jess is as thick as mud in a pig pen come a late winter's storm, an' a smidgen short on expression, if ya' know what I mean sweetie. Why ole' Jessie would cut off his own balls if he thought fir one second, that he had offended his sweet girlfriend's lovely little daughter. But, there it is; Uncle Jessie was blessed an' cursed, mind you, wid diarrhea - diarrhea of the mouth that is. Why, whatever pops into Uncle Jessie's head, comes straight outta his mouth. See this broken nose here honey, an' all these here missin' teeth –- Diarrhea. See this here scar on Uncle Jessie's belly: Knife –- diarrhea. Feel them there ribs missie. Feel them all broken up an' cracked –- Diarrhea. Uncle Jessie has a talent, of sayin' his mind, an' the big boys – the one's wid the knives an' big boots don't wanna hear it, honey; lest they wanna even the score sort of like."

"So, missie, if Uncle Jessie says anythang that yo' don't like jus' kick him in the balls, honey – O.K? Uncle Jess has been kicked in the jewels a number of times, an' aside from havin' to cut out beatin' his meat, or playin' slap-an'-tickle widz the' gals fir a few weeks, then he be none is the worse fir wear, in the long run, sez' me. Do yo' agree missie? Good. Why yo' rubbin' yo' hands like that sweetheart? Jessie's sorry, but the heater broke down a few years back, an' ole' Jessie fell on some hard times there honey, but come summer, he'll have saved up enough to git her fixed. Jus' shove yo' hand into ole' Jessies trouser pocket baby. Yes, deeper honey. Yes – jus' like that. Those oysters are a'roastin' honey. Watch yo' don't burn yo' fingers down there now." (Yuk, yuk – yuk). "Did yo' notice hon that Uncle Jess has a hole in the bottom of his pocket there? Ole Jessie needs new britches, honey, an' he aims to git them too, after he gits the ole heater fixed there. Yes, that's right baby, Jus' hold them in yo' little hand like that, as if yo' were holdin' a puddle o' mercury, or a finch egg – gently, honey – be gentle. Yo' mom likes to keep her hands warm down there too sweatie. Don't worry hon, Uncle Jess washed them eggs good an' proper not more than a week an' a half ago, so they be as good as gold. It's Jessie's hole that yo' wanna stay away from luv. It's a few inches lower down. Yo' mom scratches it fir Uncle Jess. Ya' know, with that one long finger nail that she keeps just fir the job alone. OooW! Yes, baby, jus' like that. Yo' be a very good girl. Yo' mamma ever telt yo' that, honey? Ummm! Oh honey, yo' be a very good girl. Let Uncle Jessie stick his leg up here on the dashboard like this. Uncle Jess can drive with one foot, when being scratched. Ooow! Hon. Yes."

"Okay. Yo I think yo' hands are warm now? Let Yo' Uncle take that leg donw then honey, an' don't bite yo' nails hon, not until yo' scrum the mud from under yo' pinkie-nail. Uncle Jess doesn't want yo' to come down wid summtin' that an asprin can't cure; yo' know what I mean hon?"

"Yo' hands nice an' warm now chickadee? Good. It's called radiatin' the heat baby or conducting or sumtin' smart like that, but all Jessie knows, is he's sweatin' right now honey – sweatin! An' he thinks his ass-hole is bleedin', but he likes it."

"Hey, ya wanna kick ole' Uncle Jessie in the balls now missie? 'cuz here they are, right here. Right in the middle o' me. They were right there in yo' hand a few minutes ago young missie - right there in yo' precious little hand. Ole Jess shaved them jus' last night. It be the best way to keep them mites down, ya' know. Deer have a lot of wheebles livin' around their ass, honey, an' when yo' mamma bleeds once a month, well ole Jessie has to have a release. A good dear, is as good as a good woman, to an ole farmer like Jessie – except fir them darm wheebles, that is. Yo' want the radio on honey? I'z only gots A.M., but here turn it on, sweetie. One speaker is still working hon. Turn it up Hey! Let's partie, right? Yo' don't like country an' Western? Okay, sweetie, I'll turn it off then – but yo' don't know what yo' missin' missie, an' Uncle Jessie knows his music, and can shake a leg or two on the dance floor evey now an' again – especially if he is wearing his tight jockey shorts, otherwise, its just too painful to let Ole Jessie's oysters swing wild in public ."

"Jessie's nuts are full right now, but he won't pull them out, cuz' they git cold very fast in winter, an' 'cuz ole' Jess is drivin' too, honey. I'z got me handsful right now sweet-pea, an' believe me, I'z need both hands to git them two buggers outta me pants when they be full, like this."

"Have you ever had Rocky Mountain oysters, Hon? No. They're yummy, honey."

"My word, Uncle Jessie is mighty hungry all of a sudden baby: Why, a'shovellin' shit all day long will give a fasting Trappist monk an appetite to kill fir, honey. Yo' ever shoveled shit, sweetie? Why, anytime you want to come wid yo' ole Uncle Jess, he'll have a spare shovel fir yo' – no dought about it, hon. Yo' names already on it – I swear."

"Shucks, it seems like it were only yesterday to an ole geezer like me, that I'd be a'chasin' a piece o' tail down the road, like yo', honey – an' chase it straight into the very gates of Hell, fir sure. But, when I saw you walking – walking home from college there right? Right, well I thought umm, ummm jus' look at them there apples a'bobbin' an' a'jigglin' on that young sappling of s tree of womanhood right there, an' from the back, I thought two schoolboys were fighting in a sleeping bag as you walked on by jus' then, honey." (Guffaw, guffaw). "I'm sorry honey, I didn't mean to hurt you none, I jus' meant that you look real good to a man right now, an' that you might not know it, so yo' better be careful out there wid them apples and boy scouts an' all, ya' hear me now honey? That's better. I like it when you smile like that."

"Whoo boy! ...You have a woo-n-derful smile: Beautiful teeth - man-teaser lips. I bet all the boys want to kiss them lips – I would – I mean, if I was younger an' all." (Blush).

"Oh! Thank you, Missy: A kiss on the cheek is as good as anywhere else, an' better than cash, it's said. Come here though an' give Uncle Jessie a little peck on the lips. Whoo! That was nice, I can tell ya': Very nice indeed. Thank yee missie. Uncle Jessie will remember that one 'til his dying day. Why shucks, c'mon honey, jus' one more fir the road, an' Uncle Jessie will be a happy camper tonight. Hot Dog! Ya' have a long tongue fir such a little gal. Ya bin chewing them there licorice sticks have ya' missy, an' munchin' on cashews I guess? Yep, I'z got one o' them there nuts out of that cavity in yo' back molar, fir sure, on that last Frenchie. They be good!"

"Is that what the boys teach you at school these days behind the gym, honey?" (Snigger, snigger). "No? You mean you practice with your friend. What friend, if I might ask, yee missy? What's that yo' said ag'in honey. Debbie? Debbie's a girl's name though hun, now who is gonna' give their son a girl's name? It be cruel, me thinks, t' send a boy to school out there wid a girl's name on him - jus' cruel I say. What yo' say sweetie? That's your friend? Yo' mean, t' tell Uncle Jessie that Debbie is a girl? But what about the Frenchies, an' all the practicing that yo' told ole' Jessie about, jus' now? Yo' mean Debbie is the one you practice widj? Gawd darn it! Uncle Jessie nearly ran off the road there for a while sweetie. Ya' mean to tell me you and Debbie... Oh, never mind, Uncle Jessie is behind the times these days. I guess there's no harm in it, but... I'd sure like to watch sometimes – hey, whatcha say there sweetness – can ole Uncle Jessie watch jus one time, Uh, Uh...what yo' say honey? Uncle Jessie will show yo' gals how the custard comes out of his pole if yo' let him watch sometime. Ole Jessie has a lot of custard in his oysters right now honey, as bin as he hasn't seen yo' mom fir over a week now. O.k. Thank ye little missie, jus' let ole Jessie know when yo' an' yo' friend Debbie are going to do some practicin' honey, an' uncle Jessie will be there with his custard pole like a shot outt'a a gun hon."

"Ya' know me an' yo' mother...I mean yo' mother an' me, well, yo' mother stays over at my place sometime out of a week, and... Oh. You knew that. Well, that's good; an' then I don't have to say no more on that. I like yo' mom..."

"Really - she said that? Well, she never told me, that she might even love me. Hot diggity Dog! Missy, don't tell yo' mom that yo' told me that, Oka-ay. Deal Ok – deal: Cross my... C'mon say it wid ole Uncle Jess; Cross my heart and hope to die...ok, ok it's a deal then. I don't want any...complications you see, honey. Uncle Jessie just wants a quiet life, and to get his hole, now an' agi'n, you see what I mean? What yo mean missy, 'get my hole'? How old are you agi'n, honey, anyhow? Yeah, yeah, eighteen an' a half, yeah you did telt me that missie, but Uncle Jessie is gittin' a little long in the tooth honey, an; I firgot yo' see. Anyways what I meant to say was that Uncle Jessie likes to get his – whole lot of loving – from yo mamma, yeah, that's what I meant to say – yesh siree Bob, Yeah, that's what ole Uncle Jessie wanted to say alright, Yeh. Why you a'laughin' at poor ole' Uncle Jessie, when he telt you the truth, honey? It alright, Uncle Jessie don't mind little missie laughing at him. Ole' Jess is happy to see yo' smilin'. C'mon, slide them pumpkins over next to yo' Uncle Jess, an' give him a great big long Frenchie like I knows yo' can. Ummm, Honey, That be go-od fir an ole man like me. Ole' Jessies hands are a little cold honey, Mind if he puts this one between yo' thighs to warm it up a little? Umm, yo' be hot up there young missie – very hot. Jiminy Cricket! Why, yo' a regular hot potato now ain't yo' - you sweet little thang yo'! Oops! Almost ran over Farmer Brown's doggie there missie. Ummm. I got another nut, honey. Yo' really need to git on down to Dan the dentist sweetie an' git that there hole in the back o' yo' head filt, hon. Uncle Jessie thinks there be one more nut down in there. Let Uncle Jess pull over here fir a while, an' he'll git it out fir yo' wid the tip of his tongue. O.k. sweetie, open wide, 'cuz Uncle Jess the dentist is a' comin' in." (Gaffaw, gaffaw – gaffaw). "Ummm, crunchy.

Chapter 2.

"Ya' know, I always wanted to be a student when I wuz young, but my reading got in the way. I like books wid pictures yo' see, baby. I found a Playboy magazine in a dumpster one time when I was prospecting' fir cans an' bottles; yo' mom stayed over at my place four nights that week. She seemed really happy then, but them there books get old pretty quickly, especially when most o' them pages get stuck together an' all... So tell me honey, how's life as a student down at our pride-an'-joy college there? I do the gardens you know. That's where I met your mother."

"Aye, I was shovelin' like fury. It was hot that summer an' I had me shirt off. Well, the cuttings flew everywhere, an' also stuck to me sweaty body like feathers to a tarring brush. It was then when yo' mom passed by, and called me "Big Foot", an' ran off a'laughin' like a Turkey the day before Thanksgivin'."

"I couldn't work it out, until I passed by a window on me way back from the gardening. I remember laughing so loud, that an unkindness of raven was spooked in nearby trees of yonder, and took to the wing like a black-feathered blanket was thrown over the sun itself."

"That month, I bagged a couple of rabbits, an' a fowl from the gardens. I had to hide them, for poachin' can cost me me job aroun' 'er. Don't tell anyone missy, or Uncle Jessie will never git off the dole fir that 'un."

"...Are yo' comfortable pet? It's the safety belt, let me put it straight fir yo'. It is best if it goes between yo' apples, like this. My gawd you have very firm apples! ...I'm sorry, I was just..."

"Jiminy Cricket! Look out! Where the frig did she come from! The last thing I want to do is run a down a nun pushing a wheelchair over on a zebra crossing. it's Life for that one, I guess, an' yo' chances of going ta' Heaven would be pretty slim, I'm reckoning. Geez!"

"Jeepers, I'm a'sweatin' like a pig on a spit there hon. Driving 's a demanding task you know. Aw! The jolt must have popped one o' yo' apples out o' yo' T-shirt honey, let Ole Uncle Jessie help yo' put it back in there. What yo' mean honey? What lump in my trousers? Oh, that! Never yo' mind honey, the swellin' 'll go down in a while, especially if Uncle Jess 'll rub the end of it widj a handful of cracked ice an' shaving crème fir a while until it spits up into the air, like a lama in heat. No. Honey yo' can't come an' watch – not unless yo' bring yo' friend Debbie along, so's yo' ole Uncle Jess can watch yo'z two a'practicin' yo' Frenchies, that is. Oh. She's away visitin' her dad yo' say. Then sorry hon, but no deal then. It's only fair to ole Uncle Jess, to git somethin' in return fir beatin' his meat like that. I'z mean, if ole Jessie spills the beans t'day, yoz mightn't wanna trade t'morrow, havin' seen the show already. No, no,no. No deal. Please stop cryin' sweetie. Yo'll git to see Ole Jessie's cream flyin' out of his rod, jus' as soon as Uncle Jessie git's t' see them tongues a'waggling, between yo' an' yo' little pal. Is Debbie the one wid them big huge apples, hon? Ah, yes... Oh. my Gawd! Uncle Jessie almost creamed the inside o' his britches sweatie. Let's talk about the weather fir a few minutes, honey. Uncle Jessie's all in a huff over here sweetie. Yes, I knows sweetie, the lump in Ole Jessie's pants has gotton bigger. Don't rub it like that babe, Ole Jess can only take so much before the custard starts to fly, sweet pea, an' Uncle Jessie's gun is a'loaded, wid both barrels ready to fire, wid the safety off. So, don't rub ole Jess there, or there will be an almighty mess in Jessie's pants fir him to clean up shortly. Yes, honey, I know the lump is even bigger now, and yes, sweetie, it hurts. Gawd knows it hurts."

Chapter 3.

"How yo' doing luv...? As I was saying: What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Me an' you mom got together one night an' we got into the rabbit stew, an' Haha, so as to speak," (Heehaw, heehaw), "got underway. Yo mom an' me had a good ole fashion party that night. Boy, it went on 'til farmer Browns cock crowed us into a brand new day, an' we laughed so hard that the cock stopped crowing, I swear!"

"Well, we had it off for a long time. Jus' me, her and the rabbits an' carrots an' all – wid a bit of fowl play chucked in for good measure, I guess." (Hee hee). " Your mother had a pair o' good legs on her then as I recall, an', most importantly, she was clean. Why she would wrap them gams aroun' ole Jessie's neck an' pull him in fir a good fish supper of a lickin'. Mind yo', Ole Jess never saw anything in that woman's knickers that he wouldn't feed to his best friend – I swear!"

"So, you got a boyfriend, honey? No! A lovely little thang like yo'! I'm sad. Oh! Yo' just broke up yo' say. Now that's even sadder missy. Aww, come here sweet heart, don't yo' cry like that. Yo' tearin' the heart out o' ole Uncle Jess. Jus' lean your little head on Uncle Jessie's shoulder and give it all yo' got honey. No, no I don't have any Cleanex, but that's ok, jus' blow ya' nose on Uncle Jessie's sleeve there. I'll be doing a wash in a week or two, so that's alright."

There, there now. Tell Uncle Jessie all about it. Did you - like - mess around, you an' yo' boyfriend, I mean? No? ...You know like down there an' all? Okay, once yo' say. Once is enough baby. Sometimes it be more than enough. Did you like it, hon? (Grinning). It ok; everyone like it sweetness. Everyone like it, even the pope Himself. He like it too baby. Yo' got hair down there, honey? Yeah, a lot yo' say. Like mother like daughter they say. Yo' mom even has hair around her bung hole. It bad fir lickin' wjat wid them darn dangleberries an' all, but Uncle Jess don't like to complain too much hon, or he would never get his hole that way. What yo' say? Yo' have a hairy bung hole too, an' lots o' dangleberries sweetie. Well, what can yo' do...? No, no, no! Don't shave yo' bung-hole, honey. The hairs will grow back thicker, an' longer than ever. In the end yo' will be spendin' twice as much time an' money at the hair salon baby. Jus' find a guy who can put up wid the berries, that's all, hon. Some guys like women's ass-fruit. Personally, I can do without it, but what the hey. It's getting' the hole that counts in the end sweetie – dangleberries or not."

"Did he make you suck it, hon? ...and you made him lick you too right? Did you do it together, I mean, licking an' sucking at the same time? No...? What yo' mean missy. ...You don't know what I'm saying! missie, If I can ask you this without being...too bad, but are you a...a...a virgin? What do you mean missy? You mean you don't know what a virgin is? Then you're one honey – 100%.

Here we are – Home. I'm happy for you, hon. Now Uncle Jessie has to go before he gits in a whole load o' trouble. Lift the door a bit honey, when yo' close it. Them there hinges are a rustin' out.

Chapter 4.

"Yo' okay now, hon. Ok, then. Telt yo' mom that Ole Uncle Jessie saw yo' home safe an' sound when she gits home from work today. It might git ole Jess some hole next week, wid a bit o' luck" (Heehaw, heehaw).

Come around to the driver's side my little chicklet, an' give Ole Uncle Jess, a long wet Frenchie fir the road home. Ummm, Ole Jess like it when yo' push that thang down his throat. Ummm. Yo' sure yo' not part Cobra, hon, what wid a tongue that long, yo' could gobble rod, an' lick a man's brown eye all at once. One stop shoppin' if yo' ask me. Yo' got a talent young lady, an' a future, if yo' use that reach properly, yo' hear. Use that tongue to yo' advantage, baby, an' don't go a'wasting it on flappin' asn' naggin' yo' hear ole Jessie a'talkin' to yo' now. Jus' use that thang to lick balls an' guy's bung-holes, an' yo'll be okay, fir the rest o' yo' life honey. Ole Jessie can't understand why womankinds as whole haven't figured this out yet. I mean, they be suckin' cock fir thousands o' years now, an' the bitches still haven't gotten it right. Talk about a learnin' curve. These whores are flat-linin' it all the way to the divorce courts, with no knickers on, an' chipped toe-nail varnish. They're broke. They need the revenue. Listen to ole Uncle Jessie, hon. Jus' lick an' suck. Lick an' suck, an' the world is your's lick an open oyster, but don't firgit ta' swallow at the end too. That's very important honey. Just lick an' suck; lick and suck an' swallow, and coo too. Men like to hear the cooing, especially whilst the swallowin' is going on.

Burrr! It's cold out there today. Just watch that step over there missy, it's a big 'un. Let ole Uncle Jess come out an' help yo' over it. When will the county ever fix this there hole in the ground? It ridiculous – I mean this be bigger than jus' a pot hole now, It more like a sink hole. Little missie could break a leg or sumtin'. Come on, let Uncle Jessie help yo' over that 'un, my little angel. Come on, up wid you, an' ole Uncle Jess will carry yo' over that open trench like a gentleman ought to. There yo' are. Safe an' sound. My gawd, missie, yo' be heavier than yo' mamma. I guess it's yo' ass. It be bigger than yo' mom's, an' it be hot to the touch, an' ole Jessie begs his little angel's forgiveness, when his hand went up her dress an' held her full, overflowin' buttocks jus' then. Jessies little angle was heavier than he expected, an' her panties were wetter than he expected."