I knelt before the altar of my Goddess and namesake, Sila. Those who have seen her image frequently say she is ugly as she squats with her legs spread wide and the fingers of her hands opening the lips of her labia majora to expose the lips of her labia minora and the depths beyond.
To me she has a mysterious beauty and although she had been claimed as the Goddess of diverse things, and some even claim she is no Goddess at all, for me she is the Goddess of fecundity.
I hear her speaking to me in the sighing of the wind in the trees, I read her in the flight of the birds and in the silences of a still night when the moon is full and high, and in the love of my son whom she had granted me, and I hear her when I pray before her.
I was seventeen when I first saw her. It was at a church bazaar on what they called "The White Elephant Stall." I did not even know who she was, but felt urged to buy her for the fifty cents that was being asked for her.
The woman running the stall, and who apparently was disposing of the little figurine, grinned and said to me, "You know who she is, don't you?"
"No," I replied.
The woman laughed. "She is Sila, a fertility Goddess; a young girl like you should be careful having her around."
I laughed also, thinking the woman was joking because my name is Sila. It took a little time for me to realise that it had been no joke.
At first I set Sila on an unoccupied space of my book shelves. For several days I took little notice of her except to wonder why I had bought such and unsightly object. It was late one evening as I wrestled with a tutorial paper I was to present the next day that she caught my attention again.
For a moment she seemed to glow and smile at me. Just as I had not known why I bought her, I did not know why at that moment I rose and went to the window. I pulled aside the curtains and looked out, and there, high above, was the full moon.
A voice seemed to say, "Be my servant and I shall be your Goddess. Serve me and I shall fill your life with good things."
This voice that seemed to come from nowhere frightened me, but it went on, "Fear not, I led you to acquire me, now learn what I can do for you."
I knew then who it was that addressed me. I turned from the window and looked at Sila. The voice went on, "Listen for me in the sounds of nature, look for me when the moon is full, call upon me and I will hear and answer you, be mine and I shall be yours."
"What do you want of me?" I asked.
The little figurine seemed to smile and say, "Be fecund for me, bring forth the child I cannot bear myself."
Shocked, I replied, "But I am unmarried and too young to bear a child, and to have a child now will ruin my life."
"I have said, I shall fill your life with good things, and so it shall be if you serve me as I ask."
"But there is no man in my life," I protested.
I thought I caught the sound of laughter, and then, "You are young, fertile and very beautiful. I shall give you the man. Let him fertilise you and my gift to you will be that of endless spring. Your beauty will remain until the day I take you to myself for all eternity."
"But how...when...?" I stuttered.
"Be at peace, you will know how and when in due season. But you may still choose, but bring forth a child for me and this will be the sign that you are my true worshipper and follower. But mark this; once you have brought forth you will dedicate the child to me, and thereafter remain chaste until the time I shall choose. I shall ease the pains of your deprivation with many of life's good things."
"But how do I know you speak true, how do I know that I am and not imagining this?" I asked.
There was no answer.
* * * * * * * *
Answer, if that is what it was, came a few days later. Over those few days something strange happened to me. I had never been highly motivated sexually, my energies being taken up with my studies. I had one and only one sexual experience at high school, and it had been painful and messy.
Now I found myself to be almost constantly sexually aroused.
Precise details of what happened are unnecessary at this point. Let it suffice to say that a very handsome and personable young man came briefly into my life. I cannot say I was in love with him, but I lusted for him.
One night in my flat we stripped ourselves naked, and in the manner of my Goddess I opened my legs wide, pulling aside the outer lips of my pudenda I exposed my inner lips to him. He came over me, penetrating my vaginal canal, and poured his seed into me.
That done I wanted him no more; he begged me to let him spend the night with me, but I refused. He had served his purpose and I no longer needed his services. He left angry and frustrated -- such is the way of men when they cannot get what they want of a woman.
After he was gone I looked at my Goddess and said, "See, I have done your will."
She seemed to smile and the voice said, "And you shall have my promised rewards. Now make an altar for me where we can commune."
The next day I ordered an altar to be made from the wood sacred to the ancient Druids, that of the oak tree. When made I covered it with the colour of nature in green velvet. As I placed my Goddess reverently upon it I said, "From this day forward I am your servant, and you shall be my deity."
The Goddess seemed to smile, but no voice came.
* * * * * * * *
I had thought that pregnancy would disrupt my studies, but instead I found myself to have a new intellectual and physical energy. In due time I gave birth to a beautiful boy child; this, despite his beauty, I must confess came as a surprise because for whatever reason I had expected a girl child, this seeming to be more appropriate for my Goddess.
A man, where woman is concerned, serves only one purpose, to fertilise her so that she can bring forth life.
Kneeling before her altar I consulted the Goddess about my concern over having given birth to a man child.
She glowed for a moment and the voice said, "Sila, I have ordained it to be so. He is your destiny, and you are his, and in the fullness of time you shall know my will for both of you. Name him Sean, love and cherish him and he will in turn love and cherish you. Now be at peace and enjoy the gifts I shall grant both of you. But this I command; you shall remain chaste until I release you from that bondage."
Comforted by the Goddess' words, I bonded with Sean, at first suckling him at my breasts, then comforting and encouraging him, and delighting in his growth towards manhood.
Over the following years doors that I had always thought would be closed to me, seemed to open effortlessly before me. I specialised in genetics and opened a number of new fields in that science. Awards came my way and international fame.
I sometimes wondered how my colleagues would feel if they knew that my success derived from my allegiance to the Goddess.
As Sean grew towards manhood he too seemed to evince a high level of intelligence, and had inherited his father's good looks. Strangely he never asked me about his father; it was as if I was sufficient for him.
I had not really believed the Goddess when she told me that among her gifts to me would be that of endless spring and that my beauty would remain until the day she took me to herself for all eternity.
As over the years I observed myself in the mirror I began to realise that she had kept her promise. My breasts were as firm as when I was a teenager, my skin and face that of a young girl, and my hair, without undue attention, black, abundant and lustrous.
This was reinforced by colleagues who questioned what they saw as my youthful appearance. They wanted to know what creams I used, and had a discovered something that delayed the onset of age.
I told them that it was genetic, but one lunch time when they were still pressing me for my secret, I laughingly told them that they should find themselves a Goddess. They thought I was joking and I got a storm of laughter in return.
I wondered what they would say if I told them I prayed to my Goddess and at times heard her voice.
At the risk of being accused of sexual frigidity I must state that after my sexual experience with the man who had fathered Sean on me, I had no further desire for sexual congress. Sean, my work and career seemed to provide me with a fulfilled life, and although many offers for a sexual relationship, whether explicit or implied, came my way, I had no interest in taking them up.
Noticing that the people around me seemed to put great store by sexual satisfaction, I once asked the Goddess about my lack of libido.
I prayed before her altar every day, and although she rarely spoke to me, on the occasion of asking her about my lack of sexual appetite, she did answer.
"When the time is right you will feel sexual desire so powerful that it will be irresistible. Then you will serve me again."
* * * * * * * *
Sean of course knew about my dedication to the Goddess and that at times I heard her voice; at my request he told no one about it. At the age of twelve he became increasingly interested in my devotion, and asked if he might join me in my prayers.
I had assumed that the Goddess only required female devotees, but on asking her she replied, "Sean is your destiny, you are his destiny, therefore he may become your acolyte, attending you in your devotions. If he proves faithful he may one day become my son, as you are my daughter."
And so Sean joined me in my veneration of the Goddess, although for a long time he did not hear her voice.
As Sean passed through the early stages of puberty and beyond, one thing began to trouble me. Unlike his contemporaries, but rather like me, he showed no sexual interest in the opposite gender, or even the same gender for that matter. While others of his generation seemed to copulate freely, he held himself aloof.
