Return to The Fortune Teller
By
de Vere
The sign glowed bright and red in the night.
FORTUNE TELLER.
It was a few minutes after 11:00 at night, but the sign lite this late at night meant she was still open. People probably need their fortunes told late at night with a few beers in them. That's when people get into fights. Break up. Late at night is when love is lost and love is found. It is the time when tragedies occur and dreams come true. Both are impossible to believe and change a person forever.
I turned into the driveway.
The old crone slowly hobbled through the dark curtain into the room. The dim light made it hard to tell exactly what the dark pattern was on the long dress that hung from her bony, frail, stooped body. Her black eyes stared for a moment, then she smiled.
"The Hermit and The Star."
"That's right," I answered.
Two days after my sister banged my brains out, she took me into her room again. She wouldn't say why, but her blue eyes were wild.
"I've been thinking about the other night. A lot."
"Me, too." To be honest, I might not have thought of anything else for more than 4 seconds during that time. My sister is very pretty. Spectacularly, wonderfully beautiful. Blonde, tall, skinny yet shapely. The kind of woman who only exists in Victoria's Secret runway shows. And she screwed me because this fortune teller told us that something terrible would happen if we did not have sex.
That old crone knew I was her brother. And she knew there was no way a guy like me would ever have sex with a woman like her. I'm not bad-looking or anything. I even resemble my sister quite a bit. But where my sister is sexy and glamourous, I am nerdy and an idiot. Doesn't matter what I do, you can still tell who I am. And looking like a beautiful woman is not particularly good for a guy.
So, Ginnie took me into her room and closed the door. And locked it. She sat us down on the same bed we screwed on two nights before. "I need to ask you something."
"Anything," I said.
"Promise you will tell me the truth."
"Of course," I answered. "After what we did? I promise to tell you the truth."
"Good. Because I've been thinking about it, and I keep having this terrible thought."
Oh, shit. One of the reasons I had never tried too hard to lose my virginity was because I was sure a woman would have terrible thoughts after screwing me.
Why did I let this geek fuck me? What if my friends find out? What if I run into him at the grocery store?
That's the kind of shit that ran through my head every time I thought about talking to a woman, so usually I didn't. If it hadn't been for that fortune teller and my sister, I'd probably have died in old age still a virgin.
Even if some woman had taken pity on me or gotten drunk as shit at DragonCon, she sure as hell would not have been as gorgeous as my sister. And no way in hell would she have enjoyed herself the way my sister did. Enjoyed
me
like that.
"I keep wondering about why we did that. Don't get me wrong, it was...wonderful. I mean, amazing! It's not that I regret it, because I don't."
She regrets it. Worse than that. She's freaking out. I screwed a woman and she went fucking crazy because of it. My sperm causes insanity.
"Promise to tell the truth!"
"I will! I already promised that. Really, I will."
"Did you pay that fortune teller to tell us what she said?"
"What?"
"Did you tell her what to say so I would sleep with you?"
"No!" I stood and paced her room. "How would I have done that? It was
your
idea to stop there, not mine. How was I supposed to know you would tell me to stop there?"
"I know, I know. It's just this terrible fear I had that you set me up like that."
"You think I would do that to you?"
"No! That's the worst part, because I wanted to think wonderful thoughts about it. I am so glad you wanted to have fun and not just wham, bam, thank you ma'am so we could prevent some godawful calamity."
The thing is, I wish I'd thought of that. I would have, and I might do it sometime in the future—if I could ever get another girl to take a ride with me. Not that I'd worked out the logistics of that yet. But, strangely, I had a different thought.
"Did you do it?"
"What? Me?"
"It was your idea to stop. Your idea to get your fortune read."
"No! I swear, I had no idea."
See, my sister is the most gullible person I ever met. And the thought that she might consider me to be as gullible as her did occur to me. Not that my sister needed to trick me like that. I had fantasized about her since about puberty. Maybe before. Sometimes I called that little sock I spunked into "Ginnie".
Everyone feels that way, right? All my friends who have sisters talk about them like that, and none of them have a sister as hot as mine. Alex's sister is fat and pimply and pretty ugly, but he's always talking about sniffing her panties and jerking off into her bras. And Dave's always talking about his sister's tits. They are huge, and who could not dream of titty fucking their sister if she had tits that big?
To tell the truth, all Ginnie had to do was ask.
"Well, that's the only thing that makes sense. Would you have had sex with me if I told you that something terrible would happen to us, rather than some fortune teller?"
"I don't know. Maybe?"
"Maybe?"
"Well, I had just broken up with Kyle and felt like shit because he was fucking his ex."
"You would have used me for revenge sex?"
"It would have been pretty good revenge."
"Okay, answer me this: if I had just asked you to screw me—forget about breaking up or saving us from disaster—just asked you to screw me, would you?"
"No," she said. "Well, maybe."
"Seriously?"
"Well, you are really cute, in a geeky way. And you were a virgin! If you had told me you were a virgin and all, I could have helped with that."
"Really?"
"It was kinda hot, wasn't it?"
"It was very hot," I agreed. Emphatically.
"Amazingly hot."
"I had never seen that fortune teller in my life," I said.
"Me neither. I paid her only for a legitimate card reading."
"That fortune teller just took pity on me, that's all."
"What?"
"She saw this beautiful woman come in with her dork brother and decided, hey, let's have some fun with them. She's probably sitting there right now still laughing about it, wondering if we did it."
Ginnie pondered that for a minute. "She did know a lot of things about us."
"That's how she does it. She can read people. They come in, she figures out what they want or need and tells them what they want to hear."
"So, you fucked me under false pretenses."
"What?"
"You didn't believe it, but you let me think of it so you could fuck me!"
"Now, wait a minute—you just told me you'd have fucked me just to rid me of the burden of virginity."
"Well, if you told me. Not just to take advantage of me because I got a little drunk and believed an ancient con artist."
"Look, I kinda believed her. After all, she did know some things. About your criminal history as an underwear thief, for example."
"Good, because I would have been furious with you for taking advantage like that."
See? What did I tell you about her being gullible?
That was last night.
Which brings us back to the fortune teller.
"We'd like another reading." Ginnie put a twenty on her table, which the old woman snatched up with her claws.
"Well, sit down, sit down." She dealt 4 cards again. "What do you want to know?"
I asked, "Can this tell the past, or only the future?"
"The past is simple, my boy. The future? Only the cards can tell that, and only in the hands of one who knows how to use them."
"Then tell us the past, first." Ginnie had a poker face. I was proud of her. The woman flipped the cards. The Star. That is Ginnie. The Hermit—that is me. The Lovers. That is us.
"Those you know."
This card was new. Under a huge sun stood two people, wearing only blue wraps around their waists like diapers. Otherwise they were naked. One had his arm around the other, who was holding two hands in front of the other's diaper. "Le Soleil. The Sun. This is the best card in the deck."
Ginnie asked, "What does it mean?"
"Happiness and contentment. Its meaning is only positive." The old crone smiled knowingly.
"Then, the cards say we had sex."
"You did have sex."