In all my eighteen years of life, I'd managed to avoid ever attending a funeral.
Now here I was, at my second in six months.
I tried to feel something as I watched my father's casket being lowered into the ground; where it will rest for eternity alongside our mother's. In six months, I'd lost both of them. My mother to cancer and then my father to suicide. He simply couldn't get over the loss of losing her. And while it was no exaggeration that I was going through the worst emotional turmoil of my life, my mind and my body felt nothing. I was numb to any and every emotion as the priest gave his final prayer.
I heard none of it.
Looking over to my brother, I see his eyes fixed on the burial site, face expressionless. His girlfriend, Sarah, clung to his arm, nose sniffling. As if he could feel my eyes on him, he looked to me, giving me a pained smile. He shifted as if he were about to move toward me, but Sarah wrapped her arms around his waist, burying her head in his chest. Giving me a look that was half apologetic -- to me -- and half annoyed -- at
her
-- Jamie placed an arm across her shoulder.
I looked away from them before I did something my parents would never forgive me for. It would probably be the worst thing I could do if I pushed Sarah's skinny little body into the grave with my dad. In that moment, however, I hated her.
Hated
her. Jamie and I were burying the only family we had left, we were on our own now, all we had was each other. And yet the selfish cow could only think of
her
need for comfort. She didn't care that she was stealing Jamie away from the person who might need him most right now.
Pushing the thoughts of yanking Sarah away from my brother by the hair out of my mind, I tried to focus on saying a final goodbye to my parents.
__
"Alex? You ready to go?"
I pulled my eyes away from the blank wall to look at my brother as he leaned against the door frame. He'd always been tall, but seeing him barely even fit in the doorway made me realise how much he'd grown. His dark, wavy hair had fallen slightly onto his forehead, wet from the extreme downpour outside.
I bit my lip as I looked at him. "I-I'm not sure," I choked, bringing my knees to my chest and hugging the stuffed bunny closer to my chest.
Jamie let out a soft sigh and came to sit beside me on the bed. He angled his body toward me and pushed my hair back from my face.
"I know this is gonna be hard," he said softly. "But we're gonna get through it together, alright? I'm gonna be here for you."
I nodded, fighting back the tightness in my throat. "It just makes it seem so final, you know?"
His blue eyes shone with sympathy. "I know," he murmured. Pushing my knees away from my body, he took me in a tight hug.
I melted into his body, so large and safe. Breathing in his familiar scent, I tried to let myself believe that everything would be fine. That eventually, the aching hole inside me would slowly start to fill up.
Jamie pressed a kiss to my hair and pulled back slightly. "I can't believe you still have this," he smiled, pulling the well-loved bunny from my arms.
I frown at his teasing. "Leave Jamie Jr alone," I mutter, taking it back from him.
He groaned, rolling his eyes. "And I can't believe you named the thing after me."
I giggled, my mood lifting. "It used to make you so annoyed, there was no way I wasn't gonna take the opportunity to see your moody face each time I called it that."
"Keep it up and JJ might have to head back in for some emergency surgery."
I scowled at my brother. "You wouldn't." For years growing up, I'd come home after choir practice or from a friends house only to find Jamie Jr had been completely dismembered and left on my bed for me to find. Each time I'd scream and cry for my mom, I'd hear the cackling laughter come from my brother's room. He and his friends loved to torture me. No matter how many times I'd sew it back together and hide it while I was out, they'd always manage to find it and torture the poor thing again. They'd once decapitated the bunny and Jamie wouldn't tell me where the head was for a whole week, until dad made him 'fess up.
"Come on," Jamie said, still chuckling to himself. "I wanna get back to the city before this rain comes down any harder." He rose off the bed and picked up the final box containing the last of my possessions.
Sighing, I forced myself up from what was now my old bed, and turned to take in what was now my old room. It seemed like all I did lately was say goodbye.
But I had Jamie at least, I told myself. Jamie was here to stay, he had to be.
I don't think I'd survive it if he left too.
__
We made it to Jamie's apartment a little after 10pm. I helped him unload all the boxes from his car and dump them in what was now my room. Once it was all inside, I realised just how much junk I had.
"I'm sorry," I said to him as I looked around the now cluttered space. "I should probably have gotten rid of some things before I came."
"Don't be stupid," he scolded me. "I wouldn't have expected you to. I want you to feel at home here, Alex."
I nodded, still feeling a little bad. Jamie and Sarah lived in a fancy new apartment on the twelfth floor of a modern building. Given that I was only eighteen and could never afford to keep our childhood home, and that Jamie had been living in a new city since he left college, it made sense for me to stay with them for the time being. In fact, Jamie had insisted, or rather, demanded it. Maybe it was his way of feeling in control since the demise of our parents. Maybe he just wanted the last piece of family he had to be close by. As much as I wished we could have kept our family home, a part of me was glad I wouldn't have to face this alone.
"This is just until I get on my feet," I promised. "I won't be a bother for too long."
Jamie strode toward me, taking my face in his hands. The act surprised me. While we'd never had any major fights growing up, Jamie and I were hardly affectionate with each other. I suppose losing both of our parents in such close proximity had changed that.
"Stop saying dumb shit," he admonished me. "You're eighteen, I don't expect you to be ready and out the door again next week. Stay here as long as you need. Or want to."
"I know, it's just-"
"Just nothing. Seriously. Sarah and I would never have been able to afford this place if mom and dad and her parents hadn't of helped us a little. The least I can do is help out too. The money mom and dad left you can't be accessed until you're twenty-one, so until then, don't even think that you're some kind of burden to me. You're my baby sister, and it's my job to take care of you now."
I felt my eyes prick at the passion in his words. Before I got too sappy, I pulled away and cleared away the lump in my throat with a cough. "Where is Sarah anyways?"
"She had plans with friends tonight."
I snort. "Nice of her to stick around and help you."
Jamie gave me a look. "Be nice."
I looked down, feeling ridiculous. "Sorry, you're right. She's opening her home to me, I should be more grateful."
Jamie let out a long breath. "I'm not asking you to be best friends or anything, but just... try to not let your every thought be written across your face."
I smiled then. "Am I that obvious?"
