The summer after I turned 18, it became apparent that my mother's house grown too small to contain both me and mom's new boyfriend Max. Following an angry exchange over the breakfast table, I vowed to move out within the week. I would have too, were it not for a phone call from my Aunt Karen, later that same day.
"Mom's not home," I informed Aunt Karen, "She's at work"
"Good," Karen replied. "I didn't call my baby sis. I called to talk to my favorite nephew. I wanted to ask you something dear."
"What's that Aunt Karen?" I wondered.
"I wanted to ask you what the hell is going on up there," she said is a measured but forceful tone. "Ann called me on the way into work, asked for help with an apartment deposit for you."
Aunt Karen had married well and moved south to Florida; she'd helped mom a number of times when money was tight.
"I don't mind helping," Karen explained, "In fact I was planning to pay your college tuition in the fall, but I thought you were going to live at home."
"I thought so too," I told her. I related the events of the past few months, with emphasis on the past 24 hours.
"Hmmm. It does sound my little sister is making a mess of things," replied Aunt Karen. "I may have to pay a visit. But I want you to promise me something honey: under no circumstance are you to move out and leave your mom alone - not until I have a chance to think this over."
"OK," I agreed, "But please think of something in the next week, because I don't think I'm going to win the next stare down."
"No worries hon'," Karen assured. "There'll be no ass-kicking unless I'm doing it. Incidentally, how well do you remember your father?"
"Not very well," I admitted. "I wasn't very old when he moved out. He was always angry, kind of a jerk."
"Your father wasn't a jerk," Aunt Karen corrected. "He was an asshole."
"I see," I answered, not sure that I did but knowing better than to interrupt Aunt Karen in mid-thought.
"There's more you should know," she said. "A lot more really, but since time is short we'll leave it at this. Your father, I am sorry to say, was a complete asshole. Your mother has a talent for attracting assholes. She deserves better of course, but there was only one man that ever really treated your mom the way she - oh my, I'm rambling. That's a story for another time too. Suffice it to say that you and I need to rescue your mom from the new asshole that has intruded into her life. Can I count on you Justin?"
"Yes ma'am," I said in agreement.
"Good," Aunt Karen said. "Are on you on a cordless phone?"
I answered that I was.
"Then I want you to go upstairs to your mother's bedroom, look through her nightstand, and tell me what you find."
"Aunt Karen," I protested. "I can't invade her privacy."
"Snooping is a sisterly prerogative and I hereby deputize you," Karen assured me. "Sometimes we have to make necessary sacrifices for the people we love."
At Aunt Karen's behest, I examined and reported the contents of my mother's bedside stand. The contents ranged from mundane (makeup and Tylenol) to ambiguous (a jar of Vaseline and a pair of panties) to erotic (a six inch flesh-tone vibrator, a rubber phallus, a pair of steel handcuffs, and a book entitled "Whips and Kisses").
"Naughty girl!" remarked Karen. "And up to her old tricks. Now have a look in her closet."
The back section of the closet held a few further surprises, including a black leather bustier, and a French maid outfit. More curious items were piled on the floor of the closet: fishnet stockings, a riding crop, black leather boots, a ping pong paddle with holes drilled in it, and a host of leather and metal objects that I couldn't identify.
"I should have known," Karen concluded after I finished describing the inventory. "A pussy never changes her spots."
She paused for a moment to rest from her mixing of metaphors.
"This must seem rather strange to you Justin," Karen said. "But I don't suppose you're so naive that I have to explain why your mother has these things in her bedroom?"