It was two weeks since my mother and I had sex. We did our own thing, cooked separately and had simple conversations. My ray of sunshine had vanished behind a cloud and I wasn't sure how to bring her back. Her swimsuits and supplies were boxed up to make room for tablecloths and toddler clothes.
The small amount of time we hung out we laughed and helped each other with the two horses. But she couldn't look me in the eye like she once did. There was a shame our taboo sex had brought between us.
It was a cloudy day with off and on showers when I decided to make us lunch, but not on the grill. I hadn't used it since that night. Her hand reached out and brushed my back. The touch was so light I could hardly feel it. If it weren't for the reflection in the kitchen window I wouldn't have seen how timid she looked retrieving her hand.
I turned to look back at her. Her eyes darted away from mine and she held her hands together below her chin. A few weeks ago I saw her mercy kill her horse and bury the dog she blamed for killing it. She was a lively woman who brightened my day and now struggled to smile.
"Mom, are you okay?" I said.
She nodded her head. "Yes, I just wanted to ask if you needed help."
"Of course, I've been dying for food that has flavor. I need the house's master chef back." I said.
She smiled and stood next to me to slice the tomatoes. "Mayonnaise, just a spoon full and a drop of mustard." She gave me a smile and continued slicing her tomato.
She caught me looking at her and she brushed the hair behind her ear. She was haggard, and in general looked unkempt, her dress had wrinkles and she wore a light sweater over her shoulders. She didn't wear makeup, not that she looked any less beautiful.
In a gamble I put my hand on hers and held it. For the first time in weeks she looked at me and blurted out, "I'm sorry, I did something very wrong, I never should have kissed you."
"What? No, no that's not it, I was willing too." I said.
"You're a young man and I was throwing myself at you, I felt loved, I... you felt so nice holding me and I wanted to kiss you as a thank you for everything you helped me through." She ran both her hands behind her ears pushing back strands of hair. "Dammit, I didn't mean to, I don't know what I was thinking, then we were standing naked on the deck."
"Putting out burning chicken." I joked.
She had folded arms under her breasts which made her cleavage show between her buttons. The long sun dress she wore stopped below her calves.
She smirked and covered her smile with her hand. "Yes, putting out burning clumps of chicken."
I touched her on the shoulder and let my hand slide down her arm.
"Are we okay? Do I get my beautiful loving ray of sunshine back? That's all I want to have my loving mother back." I said.
She reached up and rubbed my cheek with her thumb. "I'm okay, really. But I'm your mother and we shouldnt have had sex, it was wrong." She turned away and let her hand slide from my face.
"Did I rape you?" I said.
Her eyes shot open and she jerked her head towards me. "No! No you didn't, but I took advantage of my own son! I'm supposed to be the mother." She pounded her chest with her fingers.
"No you didn't, I'm a grown man not some child. So what? we had sex, were not trying for a baby. We had amazing sex, we laughed together and then... Then I feel like I lost my mother, my sweet loving mother, and it wasnt because of the sex." I said.
She shook her head. Her eyes teared up and the bottom of her lip quivered. "You didn't lose me, don't feel..." Her voice cracked and a tear broke from her eyelid.
For the first time in weeks she let me hold her. I pulled her close and hugged her tight. Her arms were between us and her back muscles were tight, then she sobbed. Her arms broke free and wrapped around my sides. I rubbed her back and nestled her head into my neck.
She pulled away but didn't let go of me. She sniffed and looked down at the collar of my shirt. "No, I guess we weren't trying to have a baby." She chuckled. Tears ran down her cheek and her sobs mixed with her smile. "I've been mad at myself, if I had just knocked that night when we first went riding, none of this would have happened. My quitting, the divorce, these lockdowns then that fucking dog killing Bell... Now us, I've been feeling like such a terrible mother, who fucking does that to their..."
I pulled her mouth close to mine and put my lips on hers. It wasn't deep and I used no tongue. A second then I pulled away and kissed her forehead. "Stop, stop thinking it was bad. Did you enjoy it, did you enjoy being held by me?"
She stared into my throat and clung to me unwilling to move.
"We're both concenting adults and I have no shame in having sex. I always thought you were a beautiful woman, I just couldn't tell you even when I was young. But to me we've always been a loving mother and son, it's just a different level now. If you need me I'm there and when I need you, you've always proven yourself." I said.
Her face pressed into my throat and she sniffed her nose.
"I actually never heard you swear like that. I was kind of surprised." I said.
Her body flinched and she giggled and sobbed. When I looked down at her she smiled at me with upturned eyes.
"I missed you." I said.
"I missed you too." She wiped her nose and eyes.
I leaned down and kissed her on the lips. Her smile vanished and she swallowed hard. Her eyes looked up into mine and I leaned in for another kiss. This time the tip of my tongue grazed her lips.
When I pulled back her head followed mine, we broke apart and I smiled at her. "We're still mother and son, nothing can change that."
"You forgive me?" She whispered.
Her eyes had little radiating black lines that spread out through her light brown color. Her tears welled up on the sides and made her eyes glossy. They twitched back and forth eager to hear my answer. They are stunning, and filled with a vulnerability I had never seen before.
"No, because I don't regret anything, except knowing you were in pain." I said. I embraced her, pulling her close to my body. One arm around the small of her back and the other I rubbed her between the shoulder blades.
Tears soaked my collar. She sighed and began to scratch at my chest through my shirt. Her chest expanded with fast breaths. I moved my head to the side to give her access and she took it. Her nose trailed up my jaw to my ear and I felt her warm lips touch the side of my neck.