My Boy

Jesse's head was resting on my chest. His arm was wrapped around my torso. It was beautiful, waking up with him again. It'd had been so long. Two years, since the last time I'd woken up with him. It was wonderful.

Jesse was breathing softly, his lashes formed thick crescents on his cheeks as he slept. His naked body was flush against mine. I began petting his soft blonde hair gently, running the tips of my fingers through the short tresses.

Jesse whimpered softly. His arm tightened only slightly around me. He whimpered again. His body moved against mine. Was he having a bad dream? His whimpers became louder, so that they were at a normal speaking volume. His eyebrows furrowed.

"Jesse. Jess, wake up, baby. It's okay." I breathed, pushing against his shoulder. He opened his eyes slowly, like he was in a trance, before blinking a few times and looking at me sheepishly.

"Morning." He mumbled, resting his chin on my chest.

"Were you having a bad dream?" I asked, running my hand soothingly down his back. His sheepish smile widened.

"Not exactly."

"Oh?" I cocked my eyebrow at him. He grinned up at me, his tired green eyes shining in the morning sun.

"I had a dream about you." Jesse said, pressing a kiss to my chest. His hand traced patterns across my torso, before trailing up and circling my nipple.

"Do tell."

Jesse looked up excitedly at me, before climbing onto me and straddling my waist. As he leaned over to kiss me, I could feel his hard length pressing into my abdomen. His hands moved to my face and he held my cheeks lovingly.

"I dreamt that we were on a beach. The sun was setting. It was a thousand different colours." He whispered, before pressing his lips to mine. I smiled, wrapping my arms around his back. I flipped us, so that I was on top of him, and his legs were wrapped around my back.

"Mm hm. What were we doing on the beach?" I murmured against his neck. I kissed up his neck, sucking his tender, pale skin as he spoke.

"We were making love. We were screaming." He said, his fingers tangling in my hair.

"Screaming?" I took his earlobe between my teeth and nibbled on it.

"Screaming, because there was no one around. We could be as loud as we wanted." He chuckled, "and I kept calling you 'brother'. Never 'Michael'."

"What were you saying?" We were both getting excited now. But it didn't feel like lust. It felt like love. I love him. I love him more than air. I'm in love with my brother.

I rocked against his body, rubbing my cock against his ass. His legs tightened around me, pulling me closer.

"I want my big brother's cock. I want my brother to take care of me." Jesse whispered, quoting his dream for me. I could've taken him right then. But I wanted to build it more. I wanted to have him begging for me before I finally gave him what he needed.

"It was so carefree and peaceful..." Jesse breathed. I started biting down his neck again. I bit and kissed and sucked at his sensitive, creamy skin, feeling him shudder in anticipation beneath me. I looked into his eyes.

"I want my big brother." He said it so quietly it was nearly silent.

I leaned down to kiss him once more. Our lips moved slowly against one another's. I wanted to draw this out, go slow, I wanted to really show him how much his big brother loved him. My tongue traced his lower lip, and when he granted me entrance into his sweet mouth I explored him gradually. As my tongue moved with his, the hotel room faded away.

The cheap bed sheets were gone. The tan walls disappeared. Maybe Jesse imagined us on a beach, with a sunset. I imagined us in our old home. Not the last one, but our very first home.

I imagined that we were in our old bedroom, our first bedroom. The walls were blue. I kissed down his neck, onto his chest. His skin was soft and warm. The bed smelled like laundry detergent, the kind our mom used to use. My tongue circled his nipple, before I enveloped the pink nub between my lips and sucked. Outside the window, there was a field of green. Our backyard.

I hadn't thought of that house in years. Funny that I should think of it now. But back then things were simple. I wished they could be that way again. Maybe they were. I'm in love with him, with my brother. That's all there is. He's all there is. Maybe that was pretty simple, after all.

My lips encompassed his previously unattended nipple, and my little brother let out a soft whimper. His fingers clasped my hair briefly, then relaxed.

"Jesse," I breathed, "This moment is only for us."

Jesse looked at the walls. The paper thin walls. Then back at me. He gave me a shy smile, then nodded.

I sat up, and Jesse dropped his legs from my body. I wanted to explore every inch of him. I wanted to send shivers of pleasure coursing through every cell of his body. After our fight last night, I wanted every atrium of his heart to know how wholly and completely I loved him.

I inched backwards on the bed, so that I was on my knees near his ankles. I took his right ankle in my hand and brought his foot up to my lips. I kissed the top of it. It was so tender, so smooth. Jesse's eyes were fixed on my face, I didn't meet them, but I could feel them. Those brilliant green orbs studied me, as I kissed the top of his left foot.

"Jesse." I said, pulling the blankets completely off of him. I pushed them onto the floor. Jesse sat up and gave me another small smile, before turning so he was propping himself up onto his hands and knees. I moved behind him, so my body was pressing against his. My cock was nestled between his firm ass cheeks, but I ignored my urges and moved my hands along his back instead.

He moaned softly, as I massaged his muscular back. My hands ran up his sides, over his hips, my fingertips pushed into his skin, releasing his tension, relaxing him further. I was surprised he wasn't pressuring me to go faster, to fuck him, like he usually did. I was glad of the free time to explore him. I was glad to see that nothing about his body had changed. He was still my Jesse.

I pulled away from him again, this time so I could explore his beautiful ass. God, it was perfect. My fingers traced the small dimples at his lower back, and then carried down his cheeks, so I could pull them open. His knot was smooth and hairless. I leaned forward, letting my tongue trace it gently.

Jesse gasped, his back arched and he pressed his ass against my face. I flicked my tongue over his hole a few times, before finally pushing it inside of him, tasting him, stretching him. Jesse moaned again. It was a high pitched moan, filled with almost childlike surprise.

I explored him as much as I could with my tongue, before finally pushing my middle finger into him. Jesse was opening up easily for me. I'd given it to him pretty good last night, and his body was starting to get used to being penetrated again.

I ran my finger over the nub inside of him, causing him to gasp again. I pumped my finger in and out of him, listening to his breath hitch, feeling his channel clench around me. When I knew he was ready, I added another finger.

I loved watching the way his entire body reacted to my movements. His breath would catch, his stomach would tense for a second or two. His toes would curl, or his feet would flex. And when he moaned, I noticed that they came from different areas. When I stretched him, and massaged his prostate, they came from deep in his chest.

It was soon able to fit three fingers inside him comfortably. Still, he hadn't begun to rush me. I felt like we had all the time in the world.

Eventually, I pulled my fingers from him and he rolled onto his back to face me once more. He looked up at me as I spread saliva down my length. He spread his legs, bringing his knees up so I could crawl between them.

"Jesse," I asked quietly, placing my cock at his entrance, "did you ever fantasize about this when we were kids?"

Jesse blushed and looked down.

"Don't be embarrassed." I cooed.

"It's just... I know you didn't."

"I didn't know who I was back then. But I know now. I'm so in love with you, Jesse." I said.

"I know you love me."

"You'll never understand to what extent." I murmured. Then I was inside him. Jesse moaned, his head flew backwards.

I leaned over him, and he wrapped his arms and legs around me again. We moved together in perfect rhythm, like we'd been lovers for decades.

It began slowly. I didn't want to hurt him. I wanted him to be used to my full length before I let go, and let my instincts and urges take over. But I couldn't last much longer being so controlled.

I kissed him, and as my tongue pushed past his lips, I let go.

Now, we were primal. Both of us moved together, desperate, not for release, but just to be with one another completely. His fingernails dug into my back as we made love. I could feel the skin being pulled away, the cuts forming, but it didn't slow me. Jesse's breath was coming in gasps, so was mine.

I don't know how long we made love for. It felt like forever, but then no time at all. Finally, Jesse's moans escalated and I knew he was near his breaking point. His hand left my back and he began stroking himself, and then he released. I could feel his hot seed hit my stomach, though I'm sure most of it landed on him. I wasn't far behind.

I pulled out of him and quickly jerked myself. I came on his torso, sending my warm cream up his abdomen. We were both panting when we finished.

His legs slipped from my hips. I leaned down and slowly licked up our cum, swallowing it willingly. When his body was clean, I rested my head on his hip, too tired right now to move any further. Jesse's hand absentmindedly played with my brown hair.

We stayed like that for a while, not speaking. I broke the silence.

"Jesse, I want to give you that fantasy." I murmured.

"You just did." He replied.

"No, I want to really give it to you. I want to take you to a beach, and I want to make love to you while the sun sets." I looked up at him, he was staring up at the ceiling with a large smile on his face.

"I'd like that, Michael."

I climbed up him and propped myself up on my hands so I could look down into his eyes.

"I could buy us plane tickets. We could go to the beach." I kissed his cheek. "And we can scream until our voices go raw."

Jesse frowned.

"What's wrong?"

Jesse pushed me to the side and sat up.

"God, Michael, you ruin everything."

I looked up at him, shocked. Were we going to fight about this again? He rose from the bed and walked towards his clothes. He pulled his boxers on.

"What do you mean? What did I ruin?"

"That. This!" He motioned around the room. "All of this."

His arms lay limp at his sides and he just stared at me. He kept staring at me, like he was willing me to comprehend something.

"What do you mean, 'all of this'?" I asked, standing. I was very aware that I was naked, but my underwear was on the other side of the bed. I resisted the urge to pull the blanket around me.

"I mean... what I said. All of this. Us. This... thing that we have-had. Just...Christ." Jesse murmured, rubbing his forehead. How had the mood shifted so quickly?

"I don't understand. Why can't we just discuss it? Why can't we just talk about going away together? You haven't even thought about it."

"God, Michael. Do you think that's what I'm talking about here? Do you think that's our only problem?" Jesse shook his head at me.

"I'm not saying that's our only problem. I just don't understand why you won't talk about it. We're running out of time, Jesse! You're supposed to be getting married in five days." I hated yelling. Jesse hated yelling. But I couldn't help it.

"We don't need to talk about it because I already told you I'm not doing it!" Jesse shoved me.

"Why not?!" I shoved him harder.

"Because I'm not in love with you!"

Jesse's face softened as soon as the words were out of his mouth. I blinked at him a few times, before sinking onto the bed. I pulled the blankets over me.

"Michael, I didn't mean to say it like that." Jesse murmured, walking towards me.

"But you did mean to say it." I breathed. I folded my hands on my lap and stared at them.

"Not like that." Jesse sat beside me.

"Mike... I love you. You're the best brother that anyone could hope for." He said softly.

"Brothers don't fuck." I said with a sad chuckle. Jesse was quiet for a few moments.

"I-I love that too. I love... making love. With you. I mean, it's wonderful. The way you touch me, and how you know my body-"

"It doesn't count as making love if you don't love me, first of all, Jess," I nearly shouted, standing, "And second... just stop talking." I moved to the other side of the bed, and grabbed my boxers. I tugged them on while Jesse spoke.

"Mike I do love you. As a brother." He followed me around the bed.

"It's not the same fucking thing, Jesse. And you know that."

"Mike, listen to me." He took my face in his hands.

"No. You knew! You knew how you felt when I came back, didn't you? That's why you left in the first place, isn't it?" I pushed his hands away and looked down at him.

"Yes! Is that what you want to hear? Yes, I knew!"

"For how long?"

"I'm not going to answer that." Jesse breathed. We stared at each other. My look was questioning, his was apologetic. And it sunk in.

"You knew since before the first time we made- since the second time we fucked... didn't you?" I asked, taking a step backwards.

"Michael, I-"

"Why? Why'd you lie?"

"I said what I needed to say to get what I wanted."

I sat down on the bed. I couldn't look at him. Tears were prickling at my eyes, but I didn't dare let them fall.

"If I could take it all back, everything, I would, Mike."

That hurt worse than anything. I wouldn't. I wouldn't take any of it back.

"Go." I said.

"Shouldn't we talk-"

"Everything's been said."

"Mike we need to keep acting like-"

"Like nothing happened. I get it."

"But Mike, the game tomorrow... you'll be there right? Dad'll get suspicious-"

"I'll be there."

Jesse quickly pulled his clothes on and headed for the door. When he reached it he turned back to me.

"You will be at my wedding... right? I... want you there."

"Get out." I whispered. I couldn't watch him go.

The pain was unbelievable. I could feel myself shaking, but I didn't know if I was crying or not. I could tell that parts of my body were shutting down, going numb.

Everything. Everything had been a lie. Every touch, every kiss. How had I not seen it sooner? How could he do this to me? I was just a glorified fuck buddy. The thought made me want to throw up. All the times I told him I loved him... all the times he said it back.

God, I'm such an idiot!

Of course he doesn't love me. How could he? I'm his brother. His brother. No one wants to marry their brother. No one wants to grow old with their brother. God. Stupid.

I'm so stupid for believing it. Even after he left, I didn't see it. He left me for two years. No contact. How could I have not seen it then?

I lay back onto the bed and pulled the covers over me. I knew that I was crying. Sobbing, in fact. I could feel the tears on my face. I could feel the snot running from my nose. I was shaking. I couldn't help it.

And then, after what felt like a very long while, I fell asleep. Or almost asleep. I wasn't crying. I wasn't really thinking. I was just sort of numb. I don't know how long this lasted for. Hours. I was drifting in and out.

I was trying to figure out what to do. Where to go. What to say. I contemplated going over to Jesse's. But that wouldn't do any good. I couldn't make him love me. I'd been trying for years. I couldn't go over to a friend's. Not only did I not have any, but even if I did, how could I talk to them about something like this? I couldn't ask for parental advice.

So that left one option.

I was going to go drinking.

***

The club was crowded. And it smelled like sweat. But it didn't matter. As soon as I entered I made for the bar.

I'm not a big drinker. I didn't go through that whole partying phase that all my peers went through. When the bartender asked me what I wanted, I told him "something strong".

It was a shot. I downed it, and ordered another. It would probably get me tipsy, but I wanted to get smashed. I wanted to not be able to walk home. I was just getting started.

"Hey, might want to slow it down. Someone might try to take advantage of you." A deep voice murmured. I turned in the direction of it.

The man sat on the barstool beside me. He was handsome, even in my stupor I could tell that. He had brown hair, it was darker than mine. He looked older than me by a few years, if I were to guess I'd say that he looked about 27. He gave me a charming smile.

"Someone like you?" I asked, leaning in. He smirked.

"Perhaps. I'm Daniel." He said, offering his hand. I shook it. He had a firm grip, which sort of turned me on. And for a moment, I felt immediately guilty. But then I remembered that Jesse's probably with Claire right now. And they're probably fucking. And Jesse doesn't love me. Why shouldn't I go for this?

"I'm Michael."

"I haven't seen you around here before. Are you new to the area, or just new to the scene?" Daniel asked. He motioned to the bartender, who quickly gave him a drink.

"Both actually. But I'm not in town for long. I'm just here for a wedding." I explained.

"A wedding? No wonder you're drinking. Let me guess, brother of the bride?" He asked. I shook my head, chuckling.

"Oh God, tell me you're not the groom." I laughed.

"No, brother of the groom. You were close." As I said it, I felt a pain in my chest. I shouldn't do this. I shouldn't try to be with someone else. Not so soon. Not ever. But then, Jesse moved on. He moved on really fast.

"You're going to need another shot. I'll take one with you." Daniel said, motioning to the bartender again. We drank at the same time.

"Let's dance, Michael." Daniel said, grabbing my hand. I reluctantly let him steer me away from the bar. I'd never been in a gay club before, and the idea of being intimate with another man in public would've made me nervous. But after the alcohol, I was pretty loose. And there was a big part of me that just didn't care anymore.

The music was upbeat and loud. There were bright lights shining all along the dance floor. All around us, there were groups of men dancing. Well, sort of. It wasn't really dancing. It was basically sex with clothes. Daniel moved behind me and held my hips. I could feel his erection against my ass, which again, just turned me on.

I wasn't used to this sort of attention. Sure, I'd gotten it in the locker room. But so did everyone else on the team. Outside of that, I'd only ever been with Jesse. Men never tried to hit on me. But maybe that was because I never put myself in that sort of situation.

I could feel Daniel's warm breath on my neck. His hands explored my body, running over my chest, my hips, down the sides of my thighs. There was something in my mind that was telling me I should've felt anxious or embarrassed to be doing this with a man, but I just didn't. I reciprocated his movements, grinding my ass against his pelvis.

"So, you said that you're new to this scene. I don't know if I believe you." Daniel said. I turned to face him, and he rested his hands on my hips as we danced.

"I am. It's my first time in a gay bar."

"Really?"

"I've never had a one night stand, either. Well, not yet." I said seductively. Daniel raised his eyebrow and grinned at me.

Wow. Where the fuck did that come from? That must've been the alcohol talking. Or maybe it was my hard-on. Either way, I'd said it. Couldn't take it back now.

"You like to get straight to the point, don't you?" Daniel asked, as his hands travelled down to grip my ass. Instead of answering back, I just leaned up and kissed him.