Lost and Found
Chapter 12 - Lost like tears in rain
Daniel had managed to pick himself off the floor and drag himself into the park, cheeks stained with tears as he slumped down onto a bench and placed his head in his hands. His mind was a whirling tornado of conflicting thoughts and feelings, his stomach was churning and he had absolutely no clue what to do. As he raised his head and looked around, he saw several other people in the park, couples, families, people by themselves on a morning walk and every single one of them was staring at him. It must be a strange sight, a grown man openly weeping in a public park in the middle of the day, so it was hardly surprising they were looking at him. Picking himself up from the bench and trying to avoid eye contact with any of the strangers around him, he headed to a more secluded area of the park, finding a small group of trees with a little clearing in the middle, lowering himself to the ground and sitting against one of the majestic oaks. Finally alone, without prying eyes judging him, he openly wept, his tears falling heavily and watering the grass below him as he tried to comprehend what had just happened to him. How he had just managed to fuck everything up.
Several minutes passed before Daniel was able to somewhat compose himself, wiping his eyes and breathing heavily, on the verge of hyperventilating. He had suffered from panic attacks when he was younger and he knew the telltale signs of one approaching. Taking long, deep breaths, he tried to calm himself, wrapping his arms around his torso to hold himself as he gently rocked back and forth. "Fuck..." he softly whispered to himself as he finally felt his body starting to relax a little, his head lolling back against the tree to rest, eyes closed as he concentrated on what was around him. The smell of fresh cut grass, the warmth of the sun on his skin, the feeling of the trees bark against his skin, the sound of the distant innocent laughter of children. It was only a momentary respite as the feelings of grief, loss and pain started to wash over him again. He grit his teeth and smacked himself in the face, hard, causing him to wince, trying to snap himself out of it. He had cried enough. This was all his fault and he needed to pull himself together and come up with a plan.
He needed to talk to someone about what had happened, but who? Louise? No. He couldn't deal with telling her what had happened just yet, she would be devastated if she thought she was the reason that he and his long estranged mother were once again strangers to each other. There was only one other option, his parents, Frank and Denise. He obviously wouldn't be able to tell them all the details, but right now that didn't matter, he had a deep need to feel loved and protected and there was no-one else on the planet who could do that better. Pulling out his mobile, he pulled up their number, giving himself a minute to compose himself before hitting the green telephone symbol on the digital display. The phone started its outbound ringing tone and Daniel pressed the phone to his ear, praying that they would answer.
"Hello?" answered a familiar, comforting, female voice at the other end of the line. Just hearing his mum's voice caused all the emotions inside him to bubble up again and before he could speak, he let out a soft sob. "Daniel, baby, is that you?" Denise asked, her voice dripping with motherly concern as she waited for a response. Daniel could picture her in his mind, standing in the living room, clutching the handset of her old landline phone to her ear anxiously as she waited for him to answer. Pictures of him from when he was a baby all the way to a teenager dotted along the wall, his parents pride and joy, their only son, the one they held dearest, above all others. Across the room, a cabinet filled with all the rugby trophies and medals he had ever received along with several priceless family items. Daniel moving to go to University had hit his Mum hard and she had called him every single day for the first couple of months he was there. She had said that she wanted to make sure he was taking care of himself, but he knew the real reason, empty nest syndrome.
"Yeah... it's me mum..." Daniel replied, wiping away a tear and sniffling.
"What's wrong honey, what's happened?" she asked, trying to maintain a calm tone of voice, but clearly still incredibly worried about her boy. While she may not have carried him to term, she was still his mother and no-one could tell her any different. She loved him more than anything, he was her entire reason for being and any mother would dread receiving a call like this.
"Me and Candy had a fight..." Daniel said as tears began to fall from his weary eyes once again, "and she kicked me out." Holding his face in his hand, the memories of what had happened washed over him again, feeling overwhelmed and unable to continue speaking.
"Oh baby, I'm sorry," Denise replied soothingly, "you're ok, mummy's here, I've got you." The voice of the woman that had raised him managed to break through Daniel's sorrow, a comfort spread out from his chest and throughout his body that he so desperately needed in this, his lowest of moments. But then came the question he had been dreading, the one that he wouldn't be able to answer. "What happened Daniel? What caused the fight?"
"I...I... don't want to talk about it..." Daniel weakly replied, scared that she might press him further for an answer.
"Ok baby, that's ok, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Denise reassured him. "Are you coming home?"
Daniel took a moment to think. It was probably his only option. His tenancy at his flat was over now that it was the summer and he clearly couldn't go back to Candy's. "Yeah, I guess so. I'll have to book a train back. Is that ok?"
"Of course it is baby, let us know when your train will get in and me and Dad will come and meet you at the station, ok?"
"Yeah, ok," Daniel replied, tears finally drying now that he had spoken to the woman that had raised him and that he had a plan in place at least.
"I love you so much baby, call me if you need me ok?"
"Yeah, I will, thanks Mum." He had to take a moment before he continued, remembering that just a few hours earlier he had been saying the exact same words to Candy, but with a very different meaning behind them. "I love you too."
Hanging up the phone, Daniel wiped his face and took a few deep breaths before pulling himself off the ground and brushing the dirt that had accumulated from his pants. Resting his hand against the tree that had been his seat, literally holding him up when he was unable to do so himself, he straightened himself up and stepped out of the clearing, back into the real world. He was still heartbroken and distraught, but he was at least able to keep himself composed enough to do what needed to be done. Walking over to the station, dragging his suitcase behind him, his thoughts were filled with getting home to his parents and feeling the reassuring embrace of his mother. His real mother. One that would never abandon him, one that would never hurt him in the way that Candy had, even if he was to blame for it.
Approaching the station there were a couple of people smoking outside waiting for their trains to depart. He had never smoked in his life, but if there was ever a time he had been tempted to light one up, this would be the moment. He ignored this unexpected urge and kept on walking into the small station, checking the digital departure boards on the wall to see how long he would have to wait for a train to take him home. Thankfully the next one was in less than an hour and Daniel took his place in the queue for the ticket office so he could book his journey home. It was the school holidays, so despite how small of a town it was, there were actually quite a few people waiting to be served, several families and parents with their children, no doubt off to the nearby city for a day of shopping, concerts, sporting events or other fun activities. He felt a pang of sadness again as he pictured what it would have been like if Candy had taken him on a similar trip when he was younger. He was approaching the front of the line when he was snapped out of his train of thought as he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket.
Taking it out of his trouser pocket, he checked the screen, his heart sinking and his mouth hanging open in shock. It was Candy. He didn't know what to do, frozen to the spot. Maybe she was calling to apologize? No, surely it couldn't be that, he had hurt her too badly. Before he could decide whether to answer or not, the call ended, the moment had passed. "Are you alright love?" came an unfamiliar voice from in front of him. Looking up from the screen he realized that he was now at the front of the queue and the lady on the desk was looking at him, waiting for him to step forward.
"Yeah, sorry," Daniel replied, still in a slight daze as he advanced to the glass screen separating him and the lady in the ticket office.
"Where you going today?" the lady asked warmly. She was in her 40's, with short brown hair, glasses and a friendly, warm face, which helped put Daniel at ease a little. She certainly looked like a woman that might have a son of her own, about his age at home. Before he could answer her, his phone rang again, his mum's name flashing up on the screen. This was it. Press the green button or the red button. Either he bought the train ticket, went back to his parents and left Candy behind forever, or he answered the phone and maybe, just maybe, he could fix things.
"Sorry," Daniel muttered as he walked away from the desk, leaving the woman looking confused before calling for the next customer. As he walked back towards the automatic doors he answered the call and pressed the phone to his ear.
When Candy first spoke he could tell that she was hysterical, something was very, very wrong and he froze on the spot, feet rooted to the ground. "Daniel, he's here!" She exclaimed through terrified sobs.
