Hello faithful readers.
The very first part of this story appeared at this site by accident a little while ago when I mistakenly submitted it, so if the initial few paragraphs sound familiar that's the reason.
The entire story is here now, and I thank you for reading as well as for your patience and understanding.
***
I blame it all on my Psychology 101 professor...
If the old coot didn't cancel one of my classes, I wouldn't have gone home in the middle of the day. If I hadn't gone home when I did that day, I wouldn't have been the one to grab the mail from the box, and when I did - well, let's just say that I'm a curious guy.
So when I saw a letter addressed to my mother with a return address from some outfit called "What's Love Got to Do with It", that curious nature of mine took over. It wasn't junk mail, because if it was I would have just figured that it was the same kind of crap I get inundated with all the time.
This had a stamp on it, not a bulk mail thing, and it looked like a bill was inside. I was dying to open it up to see whether my old lady was actually trying to hook up with guys, but after I tried and failed to read what was inside by holding it up to the light, I had a revelation.
Actually, it wasn't all that brilliant, especially since I'm a freshman in college who will be paying forever for the knowledge I'm getting, but anyway, I said to myself, go to the website you freaking moron.
So I did, but while they had a few pictures of people, none were of my mother. I was welcome to check out everybody on the site, but for that I would have to pay. I was curious, but not that curious, so I forgot about it.
But not for long. Within an hour I signed up for the stupid dating service. Unlike my mother, I used a credit card to pay for it, didn't give my real address and started up a new e-mail account just for this.
After I signed up, I took a closer look at the site, and discovered to my shock that this wasn't a dating service, but a meat market. The ads were pretty much written by people looking for sex. I guess the name of the site pretty much came out and said it, but I hadn't been expecting this.
$19.98 later, I was trolling through the offerings of "What's Love Got To Do With it?", looking through the collection of desperate men women, not sure whether I was hoping to find my mother or not. Part of me was excited but another part of me said, "come on Mom, you can't be that desperate".
I've always considered my mother an attractive woman, but since the old man split about 5 years ago she has let herself go a bit, adding about 20 extra pounds and starting to show the effects of living until 52. She looked good to me though, and I had long harbored fantasies about her.
I was actually happy when I went through the ads of the women of our area and didn't see my mother. Even though I had wasted 20 bucks it was worth it to not have to worry about her trying to hook up with these losers, but then I saw her.
The ad was listed in a region a bit south of us, and if I didn't recognize the picture I wouldn't have known it was my mother because the photo wasn't real clear, she had sunglasses on, and it was from a few years ago to boot. My stomach churned as I read the ad.
LukeWarmMama was the name she had chosen, and in the ad she said that she was a divorced white woman, 48 years of age, and was 5'5" and 135 pounds.
She had fudged a little bit with that, taking 4 years off of her age and maybe deducting 10 pounds or so, but I figured that was probably par for the course with something like this site.
It got worse from there. She had checked the "18-25 male" for the age box, and had checked "any" for race and physical characteristics. If that wasn't bad enough, in the part for a personal comment, while she wasn't as graphic as many of the ads, there was something unsettling about reading this from your mother.
"I only call myself LukeWarmMama because I've been divorced for 5 years and haven't gotten any for a while, so while it might take me a few minutes to remember how to do it, once you get my pilot light lit I'll promise to wear you out. I am VERY open minded and never liked to use the word 'no'."
"Mom," I said softly to the picture on the computer screen.
I knew she still wasn't over the old man taking off like he did, but it wasn't like he was any great shakes or anything. He doesn't contact me much, only on birthdays on stuff like that, because he's too busy with the bimbo he left Mom for, so my allegiance is with her.
Still, seeing a picture of your mother at this sleazy site, and reading how she's willing to do anybody under 25 is unsettling. Also, she uses the word "no" plenty of times with me.
So for the hell of it, I composed an ad for myself, figuring that maybe I would get some laughs for my twenty bucks. I borrowed a picture of some skateboarding dude, and claimed that I was looking for women over 40.
"Looking for mature ladies who can appreciate a young and hung dude," I wrote. "Maybe we can teach each other a few things."
Since my mother claimed that she lived about 40 miles south of where we actually live, I chose the opposite, and said I was about 50 miles north of Albany. That would make my mother feel a little safer, since I was betting she gave a different location because she was afraid to run into a local guy.
After that, I waited. Would my mother contact "YoungFungi", the name I had given myself?
She did not. Only one woman did, and she was a woman that look about 80 and sent me a picture of her with her legs spread wide open along with an offer to sell me her worn panties for $20. So just for the heck of it I send my Mom, or rather LukeWarmMama, a message. I told her I thought she was hot and asked her if she had seen my ad.
The next day she replied.
LukeWarmMama: Hey YoungFungi. Funny name :). Yes I saw your ad. You're cute but I don't want to go to jail over this. I've got panties older than you. Thanks anyway.
I got pissed off, but replied.
YoungFungi: Hey Mama. You said you're looking for somebody 18-25 and I'm 19.
She replied the next night.
LukeWarmMama: Sorry. No offense. This is all new to me, and you're only the second guy to contact me so far.
The wait between messages coming and going was frustrating me, so I suggested we instant message each other. Mom, or LukeWarmMama, said she didn't know how, and I was tempted to go down the hall to the computer room and explain it to her, but instead I explained how she could do it. The next night, she had it figured out.
LukeWarmMama: Hey, this is better. Smart kid. So what's on your mind?
YoungFungi: You. Your picture really got my attention.
LukeWarmMama: Ha! You must need glasses. Cute kid like you, what do you want with a old woman?
YoungFungi: You don't look old to me.
LukeWarmMama: To be honest, the picture is a few years old.
YoungFungi: I'm betting that you aren't getting older but getting better.
LukeWarmMama: You're a charmer, aren't you. Trying to talk my knickers down?
YoungFungi: That's the general idea, isn't it?
LukeWarmMama: Maybe my panties are already off :)
YoungFungi: Naughty. What you are you doing with your pants off?
LukeWarmMama: Looking at your picture. Trying to imagine what a 19 year old guy looks like naked. It's been a few decades since I saw one. Touching myself. Sick huh?
***
What started off as a joke was becoming something else. It was bad enough that I was screwing around with my mother, but teasing her like this, combined with the fact that if I went down the hall and opened the door I might find her playing with herself while looking at the picture of that anonymous dude, was really getting crazy.
Time to stop.
The only problem was that I wasn't stopping. I was taking my digital camera out and, after making sure that there wasn't going to be anything recognizable in the picture except for an eraser and the top of a newspaper that showed the date, took a couple of myself. Very intimate and specific pictures, and I sent them to her.
YoungFungi: Sent you something Mama. I think you'll like them better than the picture on the website.
There was a delay, and after I sent a message asking whether she got the photos, she came back.
LukeWarmMama: Did you get those pictures from the Internet?
YoungFungi: No. That's me, for better or worse.
LukeWarmMama: How do I know that? Can't see your face.
YoungFungi: I'm shy. Look at the date of the newspaper.
LukeWarmMama: Holy s***!
Young Fungi: It's okay to say shit.
LukeWarmMama: Shit. It's not even hard, is it?
YoungFungi: To be honest, it's sort of halfway. After all, I'm chatting with you, and this is getting me hot.
LukeWarmMama: That's a big dick.
YoungFungi: It will get a little bigger, especially when it gets near you. You like big cocks?
