I was so upset, almost to the point of panic. The clothes I was wearing were a mess, my hair disheveled, my heart racing. This was not how this weekend was supposed to go.
It had started out with promise. I had gone out with Jack on several dates back in the city, and he was such a nice guy. He seemed sincere and supportive and intelligent. We kissed and got closer and I was ready for some real intimacy with him.
I lived with my mother and she didn't really care about who I dated. That was normal with her unfortunately. Her husband, my father, had left us when I was very young so I never had a father in my life. And since I had no siblings, it was just mum and I, but she was always caught up with her own life and didn't give me much support, especially since I hit my mid-teens.
I did a lot of stupid teenage stuff, nothing dangerous, nothing illegal, nothing to hurt anyone. Just stupid. I had no mother that showed interest in my life to speak of and no father to set me straight or make me feel protected. Isn't that what girls need from their father? Furthermore, I had no father to be a male role model for me. So guys were what I learned about in movies, and I never knew an actual man. I only knew teen guys, who always seemed so immature.
I looked for ways to feel less lonely and less miserable. A couple of years ago, I had my first boyfriend. He was okay, and I wanted to have a guy. So we did stuff, like feeling each other up, massage, and eventually, he took my virginity in my bedroom when my mum was away. That was actually scary because I was afraid I'd get pregnant. Thank god, I didn't, and I started with the pill after that. We had sex a few more times, but let's be real. A guy that age doesn't know shit about how to make a girl feel good. He just wants to get off on her. We didn't last that long and I was alone. And lonely.
So when Jack asked me if I wanted to go with him to his parents' cottage for a few days, I decided to take the leap. A leap of faith? A leap into the unknown, with no safety net to catch my fall? Yes and yes. It would be a three-hour drive from the city, past towns I didn't know. He had his parents' car and it would be just the two of us. Did I mention I did stupid stuff?
The drive itself was fine. We chatted and it all seemed comfortable. The arrival at the cottage also seemed comfortable. There were three bedrooms, though, shame on me, we hadn't addressed the sleeping arrangements before we left nor when we arrived. To be honest, I didn't really want to think about it, because, like I said, I was ready to be intimate with him.
But it didn't take long to come out that he expected us to share a bedroom and share a bed. He didn't have to say it explicitly either. It was clear that was his assumption. For one thing, he put our bags in the same room.
That late afternoon, we sat around in the living room and he opened a bottle of red wine, and encouraged me to have a drink. And my glass never had a chance to get emptied because he refilled it, as he did with his. And the wine started going to my head.
We kissed and cuddled, but I was getting that signal in my head, that feeling that this isn't right. Jack was feeling he could put his hands over me, a little too freely and quickly. I felt his hand on the inside of my thigh, on my breast, under my shirt. He managed to unbutton a couple of my shirt buttons too. Opening my bra or unzipping my jeans would be next for him.
Was I being so stupid, so naive? I was only eighteen at the time, and Jack was twenty. So I didn't have a lot of experience with situations. And now it felt like I was trapped, and he was not being sensitive to the position he was putting me in. He was simply horny and I seemed to be available and in his possession.
And what was this position I was in? I was far from home and in his cottage. He had the car and the key. That meant I needed him to go back home. He had all the power. That would be fine as long as I can trust him, but he was losing that trust.
He was losing that trust because I was evaporating as a romantic partner for him and becoming solely a sexual opportunity instead. Yet, again, he had the power, and I felt trapped. So do I say no, do I say let's slow down? What should I say? And the wine I had - my god, I didn't even know how much I had - was cloudying my ability to think clearly.
As I pushed him away, he was getting frustrated.
"I really like you, Chrissie," he tried to soften me up. "We're here alone and we can get real close."
What's next? It's not about sex, it's about making love?
I felt confused about what I really wanted and what I was feeling. But I was definitely not feeling like having sex with him at that moment.
"This was a mistake... I'm really sorry," I finally blurted out.
"What do you mean, a mistake?" and he did not sound happy. "Chrissie, what the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm sorry, I just, I,... I want to go home," I mumbled.
"We just drove 3 hours. Chrissie. We're not going anywhere now. We just got here."
"I just want to go home."
"What the fuck? What's the matter with you? You agreed to come here. What did you expect?"
I felt trapped even more. He wasn't going to take me home. I stood up, and buttoned my shirt.
"I'm leaving. I'm going home."
"And just how are you going to do that? I have the car."
"I don't know." And I didn't know. But I needed to leave this house. There were other houses on the road, and a diner that we passed. Still, I had no idea what I was doing.
I grabbed my bag and walked out. He stood at the door, yelling at me to come back, that I was being an idiot. I didn't think he was totally wrong about that.
I started walking down the road, and it was dusk. It also started to drizzle. Occasionally a car would go by and I thought about hitchhiking, but I'd never done that before and it really scared me, especially in these circumstances.
So I walked and walked, and the rain got harder and I got wetter and colder. I passed several cottages and after about an hour, I got to that diner. It had a gas station next to it and a few cars parked outside. I went inside and was relieved that I was out of the rain and off that road. Inside was a boring looking place with a bunch of tables with customers eating boring diner food.
I was ready to cry.
Suddenly it occurred to me that I did know someone this far from my home. My mother's older brother, Uncle Dan, had a house somewhere in this direction. I hadn't seen him for, maybe, five or six years. He was always so nice to me. I had even stayed at his house a couple of times when I was little, and those were good memories. Yeah, they were nice memories.
I wasn't really sure where he lived, or even if he still lived out here. And I didn't have his number. But I thought maybe he can help me. At this point I didn't care if he would tell my mother what an irresponsible stupid brat I was. She thought that already, or didn't seem to care as far as I was concerned.
But I was wet and cold and scared and pretty lost on my own. And he liked me then so I hoped he would get me out of this situation.
I googled how to find a phone number and clicked on the first site. It seemed to be free and I entered his first and last name, but he wasn't found. There were fields for the address, and it occurred to me that maybe he doesn't have a house number. I mean, why would he? Last time I knew him, he lived alone so why wouldn't he have just a cell like everyone else? This made me really scared because if this was the case, I'd never be able to find his number.
I tried the next site in the search results and entered his name. And he came up! There was an address and number. The town name sounded familiar in fact, but I wasn't really sure where this was relative to where I was. I felt so clueless and helpless. But I dialed the number and prayed he would answer.
After four rings, I heard his voice. "Hello?"
"Uncle Dan? It's me, Chrissie."
"Chrissie? Is that really you? How nice to hear from you! Hey, is everything ok at home?"
I realized he would find it really strange that I'd be calling unless there was a crisis. "Umm... yeah, everything is fine at home. But, umm, Uncle Dan, I kinda need your help, maybe... I'm not sure where you are."