I Am a Zero

Simple Addition.

John and I arrived home to find Jeff and David immersed in another action movie. Apparently it was full of great quotes as the two of them, soon to be joined by John, said the lines with the screen with glee. I smiled at the three of them and made dinner. The truth was that I felt good. No that wasn't it. I felt different. I felt like I was something. John had done something to me. He had given me something. No that wasn't it either. I frowned at the thought. Not because it disturbed me, but because I didn't understand how I felt. All I knew is that John seemed different. He seemed lighter on his feet and all I knew is I had been there for him. He was a number and I was a zero. He was the difference I was simply being what I was. Perhaps that is what it was: I was being who or what I really was. Perhaps.

I washed the pasta and began working on the sauce. This all felt right to me. I had no idea what movie they were watching and I didn't care. I just liked hearing them laugh. I was separate from them, I was the girl in the family. But I was part of it. I was part of them. At least for now. I was lost in thought, remembering the encounter I had with John, still feeling his warmth within me and counting the times I rolled my hips against him. I liked the numbers. The rhythm. The...

"What are we having?" David asked me suddenly.

I turned to him and smiled. "Just pasta and some red sauce," I replied simply. "I figured it was something quick but filling. I guess I could have made..."

"It's great," David said quickly in his assertive manner like he was done listening to me.

I didn't mind his tone. I never had. I nodded in reply and turned the burner down. "Well it is almost done," I said.

"I am gonna make a quick call," David said. "Just got a text from home and I need to check in. Don't start without me."

I nodded.

He looked at me for a moment and I could see that he was thinking about something. I didn't know what it was. I couldn't ever understand what David was thinking. He took a breath and left the kitchen and went into one of the bedrooms.

I continued to cook and then when everything was ready I turned all the burners down and went to the counter, opened a bottle of wine and after serving John and Jeff I poured a glass for myself and watched the movie with them. Jeff caught my eye more than once. I was beginning to understand his look, or at least that look. I knew that he was going to need me soon. His eyes wandered over my body. I liked that. I liked knowing what he was thinking. I made a mental note to eat a bit less for dinner, Jeff had something I would likely need to swallow later. I smiled at the thought.

David walked by with a sigh. "Is there any wine left for me or did you guys drink it all?" He asked curtly.

I looked at him. His expression was unreadable, but very hard. I knew better than to say anything to him so I poured the remainder of the wine into any empty glass and gave it to him. He took it from me and took a drink. He was about to walk away when he stopped, took a deep breath and looked at me. "Kates," he began, "Thank you."

I nodded to him. Then I took a chance. I don't know why I did it. I never did this with David. Perhaps it was the wine, perhaps it was the feeling I was having of simplicity with my brothers. "Of course, David. You know you never need to thank me," I said as a start and then I took the chance, "Is everything ok? Do you want to talk? I promise to just be a listener."

David swallowed hard. Then he surprised me. "Actually, yeah I would but..." he looked at John and Jeff and then the waiting dinner. "Maybe we should eat first? Looks like everything is ready."

"Ok," I replied simply. I got dinner served and the boys ate in front of the TV. I ate a little of the pasta, but the truth was that with Jeff's look and my impending conversation with David, I wasn't very hungry. I took another sip of wine. Then another.

David finished eating quickly and then, setting his plate on the counter asked, "Are you eating anymore?"

I shook my head. "I am just a girl, David. I don't eat as much as you guys."

He rolled his eyes at me and then said, "Can we talk for a minute?"

I nodded. Then we decided to go to my room where it was quieter.

"Where are you going?" Jeff asked.

"Watch the movie," David said. "Kates and I are gonna bond. Isn't that why we are here?"

David always had a way of moving things forward.

I sat on my bed and David stood for a moment. He looked nervous.

I didn't know what to say. I rarely had conversations of any depth with my older brother and I had never asked him to tell me anything before. David was this wall of confidence and I never questioned it. I took another sip of wine and just looked at him.

"Are you going to say anything?" David asked me directly.

"No," I replied. "I told you I would listen. So I will listen unless you want me to say something."

David smiled at me. "So I just got off the phone with Erica..." He began. I listened to him as he described the argument he had with her. The truth was that I didn't understand all that much of it. Erica knew about this trip and she knew David was going to be away for the week. Why she felt the need to argue with him about not being there and to list all the things he needed to do when he got back was completely lost on me. David was very responsible. He took care of everything. He was just one of those guys.

"Do you know the worst part," David said. He sat next to me and slouched, then drank down the rest of his wine. "She doesn't even touch me anymore."

I looked at him a little confused.

He took a breath and said, "I mean like we never have sex. I honestly don't remember the last time and when we did, it was very mechanical. Like she does it because she has to or something. It is terrible. What makes it worse is that I know that I need sex, I think all guys do, but I am not going to cheat on her, but I also don't really want to have it with her anymore. Kind of pathetic right?" He looked straight ahead and then back at me. I could tell the wine had loosened him up a little. Not a lot. Just a little. "Don't women need sex?"

I didn't say anything. I promised him I wouldn't talk.

"That is a real question, Kates. I am asking you, do women need sex?"

I thought for a moment. "I am not sure I am the one to ask."

"I know you are my sister, and that's weird, but you are a woman," he asked.

I looked at him directly, "It doesn't matter that I am your sister, nothing should be awkward about that. What I mean is I don't think I am a normal woman. I know I am different. My mind is...different."

David didn't say anything for a few seconds. His eyes drifted down to my chest and then back up to my eyes.

I leaned forward so he could look as much as he wanted to.

"You are definitely a woman," David said. "Answer the question please," he said firmly. His eyes drifted down my shirt.

My heart was beating faster.

"I think sex is different for women," I said quickly. Then continued, "But, for me, I think that stuff can reside too much in my head. I wonder if a lot of girls do that. Like I would think about it as something that needed to feel good for me. But that, I mean even if you are with another person and it is all about me feeling good, isn't that just masturbation?"

David looked at my chest again. "So what changed? I mean, for you?"

I knew I couldn't say anything about John or Jeff. I hated that. I wanted to be fully honest. I mean he was still just my brother, just like they were. "I am a zero," I said quietly.

"What?" David asked.

"I mean like, my body..."

"Kates, that isn't true. You are beautiful," David said gesturing to my chest and then my legs.

I smiled. My heart was beating very fast. "No I didn't mean like as a rating or something. I mean that," I paused. I felt like we were on the edge, on a precipice or a cliff. I had been here before. The truth was that since John and Jeff I was past the jumping off point. I didn't know how to go back, so I went forward. "I mean that my mouth, or my vagina, even my hand," I made a cylinder with my fingers and David looked at it. I could see a bead of sweat on his brow. "Those parts of me are zeros. They open and they need to. It's like..."

"A man's penis is a one," David said quietly.

"Yes," I replied. "For me, as a woman, I need sex because it is like a zero needs a one and a one..."

"Needs a zero," David replied.

I nodded to him seriously. It was simple math to me. It was logic.

He sat for a moment very quietly.

"David," I said looking at him. "I am here. I can be here for you. I actually think that I need to be here for you." I put my hand on his knee.

I wasn't sure what he would do. All I knew was I needed to be me. I couldn't be anything else. "I am a zero," I said to him.

He swallowed hard and looked at me and then the door.

"I am going to lock the door," he said standing up quickly.

I watched him lock the door and then turn to me nervously. I had never seen my older brother so nervous.

"Kates, can we..." David began weakly.

"Don't ask me," I said to him firmly. "Tell me."

He swallowed hard and then said, "Take your shirt off."

I pulled my shirt off over my head. I was wearing my black bra that was slightly too small. My left nipple was partially exposed.

David walked to the bed and then said, "Take your bra off."

I looked up at him and took it off.

He looked at my tits as he unbuckled his belt then unzipped his pants. I looked at his hard dick as he pulled it out. It was different than John's and different than Jeffs. I liked that. I liked them all. I looked back up into his eyes.

He took the last step and stood directly in front of me, stroking himself slowly. "Can I...?"

"Don't ask me," I said again.

He nodded. "I am going to fuck your tits and then cum in your mouth."

I pressed my tits together and leaned forward.

My brother pushed his cock up between my tits and started to thrust. It was an awkward position, but I did my best to hold still for him as he thrust. He grunted and groaned, then spit between my tits and started up again. I felt his warm skin and the skin of his balls rubbing against my chest.

Finally he said, "This isn't working. Suck my dick."

I leaned forward further and took him into my mouth. He was salty and hot from the friction against my body. I felt him tense up as I drew him into my mouth as best as I could. This was different than my other brothers. He was more controlling but more restrained. I wanted him to be free. I looked up at him as I sucked on his penis. He looked down at me. I could see all the nerves and frustration in his face. I could see the guilt too. I didn't like that. But I could see it.

I drew him into my mouth further and then started to bob my head on his cock. Sucking it the way I did Jeff. David breathed out and put his hand in my hair. As I sucked I felt him gripping my hair tighter and tighter. He began to move his hips and then his other hand was in my hair.

Then it happened.

David let himself go. He squeezed my hair in tight fists and began to fuck my mouth. He was not restrained and he was not gently. I felt the tip of his penis against the roof of my mouth and then hitting the back. He wasn't big enough to go further, but I supposed I would have gagged if he was. He thrust hard and he gripped my hair and my head like I was some kind of ball with a hole in it for fucking. I liked that. I really liked it.

He thrust harder and faster, pulling me forward off the bed and onto my knees. I looked up at him and he looked down into me. Then suddenly his cock erupted in my mouth. In a suddenly warm stream his semen filled my mouth and I swallowed it only to be filled again and then to swallow. David pulled me forward all the way down on his cock as he finished spurting in my mouth. He grunted and groaned and I swallowed and made soft drinking sounds. This was the most cum I had ever swallowed at once. For a moment I wondered if that was because David wasn't having sex. I didn't know how that worked. Perhaps I would ask him.

Finally he was finished and he pulled his softening cock out of my mouth. I licked my lips and looked up at him.

"I...um...are you ok?" He said to me gently. More gentle than he had ever spoken to me.

"Yes," I said to him. "I am perfect."

He looked into my eyes and said, "Yes, Kates I think you are."