You are aware I've had some personal issues in dealing with stresses and functioning day to day. I've always been sensitive and feel deeply and been empathetic with issues of the world. I'm also a particular person that makes things harder on myself. I struggle with eating well and also things like depression, ocd, tic disorder, that you may be aware of. Those are all manageable in some way or another.
There are other matters that you are probably less aware of. I've lived with heart ache for a decade and am not able to deal with it still. My current relationship is toxic and puts me in danger. Way too many terrible things have happened over the last couple of years. It's my own fault that I'm still involved but I am working to make a clean break soon.
I've failed at somethings as an adult but not all. At least my career is going as well as I could hope for the last couple years now that I've been putting in a better effort. Spiritually I feel more sound than a decade ago. I have some friends and a bit of a social life. My kitties also make me feel fulfilled and give me some purpose. So I hope all is not lost.
I feel as if I shouldn't tell you some of the other dark things I've had to fight through, as it may only hurt and disgust you. Thoughts I should keep to myself, but that have persisted for years causing poor self esteem, anxiety, and fear. I feel terrible for thinking these things, but it all makes sense to me and seems impossible to feel differently.
I fear people may ostracize me if I am open about these things that are a part of me. I am scared that it may destroy our relationship. I think things people consider immoral and are illegal. I have fantasies and have considered acting them out. The damned fine job you did instilling righteous values in me make it impossible for me to act them out. I'm constantly torn between wanting to be good and feel good. I only want everyone to feel comfortable, be respected and have what the need. If you need me to leave that's what I will do, I just want you to know how I feel.
Ever since I can remember I've always been very close with you. Close as my closest friend but also closely bonded physically. Closer than what most people feel an adult mother and son should be. We used to hug more. Lots of raspberries, kissing my stomach. We always gave back scratches and massages. All of the time I would want a back scratch and you were quick to oblige, or if you wanted, I would give you a foot massage. It was our thing.
Even just a few years back, I would smile at you, lay across your lap on the couch and you would be content to scratch my back or legs for an hour. I recall being home from work and laying my 170lbs frame across you and asking for a massage. I remember you rubbed my biceps and comment on my strength. I remember I stroked your thighs trying to turn you on. I think we both felt the sexual tension, and I'm pretty sure you felt my cock throb when I was laying across you.
