Apr. 27/09
I was pretty tired last night, so I soon fell asleep in the nest of pillows and blankets I'd created on Gina's couch, the TV tuned to music videos, but muted.
I woke up suddenly, now in the company of two individuals who were standing in the gloom across from the coffee table.
"If I were a serial killer,..." Daddy said, his tone light, but firm.
" ... I'd be dead," I finished solemnly, completely and obviously unprepared.
"Come join us in the Kitchen, slutty," Gina invited. She moved away, towards that area and turned its light on, hopping up on one of the high stools at her kitchen island and gesturing to the stool beside her. "John?"
I rose from the blankets I'd snuggled down in, wearing nothing but a simple white, see-through nightie that hung over me without shape, ending just below my bum and supported by two tiny shoulder straps. It was something I found in Gina's closet, having to look because I didn't bring anything of my own to sleep in. I may as well have been naked, for all that the transparent nightie hid, but I didn't think of that as I stopped just inside the lit kitchen area, fidgeting with my nails at my belly, elbows out and nervously looking from her to him as they sat beside one another, looking back at me.
"Come on, kitten," Daddy coaxed, Gina smiling reassuringly, encouragingly.
I walked nearer, feeling better about the situation and got a little surprise when Daddy, his big paws under my arms, suddenly and easily lifted me up to a seat between them, on top of the island.
They both looked me over before Gina asked him, "Should I start?"
He nodded and she looked at me with a curiously warm expression. They both seemed a bit different somehow, but she began speaking.
"Well, your father and I have spoken at length about a lot of things. Ourselves, each other,... you. We aren't very happy with you and what you've been doing, I'll tell you that right now. But, we do understand
how
this happened. Possibly better than you do.
"Like I said, we talked a lot and one of the subjects we spoke of was Sheila. As we spoke of her and yourself, I began to see that there's another side of you that I,... failed to see earlier. Maybe I should say it got lost in what I wanted to see."
Gina glanced to Daddy now and he took over.
"Kitten,..." he started, taking my hand in his. "You know, you really are a lot more like her than I realized. That's not to say that I don't love you, or that you're a bad person, or a slut like her, only that you share some,... traits with her that I didn't recognize in you. They came out so different."
I went to speak, but Gina interrupted before I could make a sound.
"Just listen, baby. You've told us what you needed to tell us, now we're doing the same. And what's killing your father to have to say is that you, like Sheila, are a conniver and a manipulator."
It's a good thing that all I had to do was listen, because I wouldn't have known what to say to that. I only goggled at her, my jaw dropping.
"I didn't see it because I was never subjected to it until recently. Your father, however, is a different story. You zeroed in on him, took advantage in every way possible and broke him down like any man in his position would have been. You knew how he felt about Sheila, how he loved her, how he idealized her. You knew he wasn't exactly experienced with women beyond her and you knew how much you really look like her, his past beauty, mostly by the way people who knew her have been reacting. ... It's why you dyed your hair blonde."
I looked at the floor, nodding once and feeling my tears begin to well up again.
"(sigh) Slutty, all that said, I have to take equal part of the responsibility for what happened between you and your father. You see, I understand now,
now
, what I did when I mentioned the daddy thing to you. If I'd realized then like I do tonight how you,... so easily confuse things like friendship, love and sex,..."
Daddy took over as she left off, taking my other hand and looking at me with a loving, yet apologetic expression, mixed with yet something else.
"Sweetie, neither Gina, or I will deny that we're happy with this,... this outcome with each other, I mean, but neither of us are very happy about the way you shuffled us here. It makes us feel used and foolish. I know that wasn't your intent, I know your motivations were to dig yourself out of a mess that was killing you, but it was all about getting your way, wasn't it? In the end, that's what it all boils down to. Sure, you wanted Gina and I to be happy, but you were willing to coerce the situation if necessary, and you ended up doing just that because you saw an opportunity you could exploit in order to get your way."
Gina added, "And there isn't much thought for us in all that, is there? But, as John told you, we're happy with this,... closer arrangement between us and are willing to go on with this, the three of us, like you wanted. Ironically, what you did was probably the best thing you could have done because neither one of us would want to lose you, either. You know how much I love you."
I nodded, feeling the first tear race down my cheek.
"When I first met you, I was captivated almost right away. Your innocence, your unique charm, your beauty and honesty,... I was so surprised when you actually called. ... I should have listened closer when you said you weren't a lesbian. I wanted you to be so bad, so I could have you and treat you so good for the rest of our lives. I'd never met anyone like you and I guess I was trying to convince myself of your orientation more than I was you. Again, I'm partly to blame here. Had I been honest with myself, I'd have seen how it really was with you sooner."
"As for myself," Daddy put in, "I,... I don't know. I have no explanation for allowing what happened, and has been happening between us, or for why it's going to continue."
"You did what you did because it's what Kat wanted and she did what she did to get her way. It'll continue, because it's already started and there'll be no going back at this point. Neither of you could ever look at each other the same way again and the reality of the situation is that, now that what's done is done, you're both served better by continuing, just like we decided, John. You may feel the most at fault here, but considering the personalities involved, you're the least at fault. Anyway,... I probably would have done the same thing in her position."
There was a pause as we collectively looked down for a few seconds before Gina went on in a firmer tone.
"Kat, I don't mean to pick on you, but I have to tell you,... You're a self destructive personality. You go for what you want, in your case with the best of intentions, and fail to think of the consequences of your actions. Your hormones, or your 'horny' as you call it, sometimes directs what you want, but a certain lack of,... maturity,... keeps you from acting with reason. It's sort of the negative side of the adorable, innocent, childlike aspect of your personality that drew me and your father, the same thing you can often use at will to get your way, especially with John."
She sighed and went on, letting me know that her next words weren't any easier for her than they would be for me.
"You would have ruined whatever you built with your father and you would have ruined him, too. Then, yourself. You became too good at circumventing his authority, doing end runs around your respect for him. Without his strength and wisdom in the driver's seat, the childlike aspect of your personality and the choices it would have been allowed to make would have had disastrous consequences for you both.
"Baby, I've seen people like you before, some of them dancers. Some of them take meds. If they're lucky, they have a personal situation where there are people who are aware of their problems and love them enough to keep them on track. As your father and I love you. I want you to understand that, while Sheila was a slut and you're not, that's not to say that she wasn't exactly where you are right now when she was your age. Who's to say she hasn't gone down a road very similar to the one you're on now to get where she was when she met your father? Do you understand?"
I nodded, sniffing a little, knowing that what she was saying was probably true, something I always vaguely knew about myself, the evidence being my lack of understanding in the more advanced mathematical or scientific concepts in school and my increasing social dysfunction as I supposedly grew older. Even the other students saw it.
Breaking the pause that followed her last words, Gina went on, "You haven't lost us and you won't. Again, we love you and we know you love us, however,... be warned that we're aware now and we'll be keeping an eye on you for all of our own good, not the least of which yours. Be the honest young woman we know you are, no more schemes, no more manipulation. Also,... now that I'm aware and that I've explained it to John, we've both decided that you shouldn't dance anymore."
"What? But, why?" I asked, tears still leaking from my eyes.
"Because, baby, dancing is a very bad profession for you."
"But,... but you said you knew girls like me who were dancers."
"That's how I know it's bad for you. It's just not something you should be making a part of your life, plus, you don't understand the kind of people you'll be meeting. As smart as you are, with your personality, all it would take is for one snake in the grass to start telling you what you want to hear,..."
"But, that's not fair! Da-ddy!"
"Like Gina said, this is both our decision. She's only telling you because she's best able to explain it."
"But that's no-!"
"Baby, stop whining," she gently demanded. "The decision's been made. I've already called Barry, your dancing days are over."
"What!? You called-! Oh,
no!"
"Kathleen," Daddy said firmly, "stop it. You're not getting your way this time and that's that."
