My twin daughters, Rose and Violet, both born on Valentines Day exactly 18 years ago today, were at our backyard pool getting sun and swimming laps. It was unseasonably warm even for South Florida.
This was their day, and for the three of us, an even more momentous day each year then Christmas, New Years Eve, or the Fourth of July. At least at our house it was a festive day.
As had been the case for 14 of the last 17 years, this evening was going to be one of much celebration and once again, I was going to be their date.
At noon I served lunch, a homemade guacamole, soft tacos and pulled pork with a sweet salsa I'd fashioned out of some chipotle peppers, brown sugar, vinegar and other spices. The girls ate everything and finished two pitchers of lemonade sitting under the big umbrella that covered our veranda's picnic table. Rose burped.
"Excuse me daddy," she grinned.
Violet rolled her eyes as she and I both knew Rose, the more outgoing of the two, liked to draw attention to herself. But that was only at home and just between the three of us. At school, ballet and music lessons, she was equally as reserved as her sister.
Both excelled at all three aspects of their lives outside of our home, but neither would brag nor flaunt their talent in the least bit at school or in public. Inside the house however, was a completely different story.
Many nights I would have to play the diplomat's role of ameliorator when the two of them competed to see who was farthest along in their dance routines, their music lessons or who got the best report from their teachers. I, of course, didn't mind and was often amused as they struggled to put forth their best efforts to show off their latest accomplishment.
It had been this way for the past four years and I think their shyness outside the house had something to do with the way the community expressed its condolences when their mother passed shortly after they entered their teens and right after they passed puberty.
Even puberty gave them temporary bragging rights as one began menstruating first and then as their breasts began to grow and their hips began to flair it became a race that ended when they both wound up looking exactly like one another, body size and all. The entire hubbub about the onset of puberty however, was set aside as first the fear of losing their mother and then, when she passed, their grief, consumed them.
It changed them both, and markedly so, for two years. But with counseling and a concerted effort on my part, they learned that life goes on and were soon back on the road to recovering their lost youthful enthusiasm and vigor.
I did the best I could as a single parent, completely devoting myself to their growth and maturity, both to ensure they had the necessary tools for life and to help me overcome the loss of the person I loved as much as I loved life itself. It worked, as each year became less painful for me. I found I lived vicariously through Rose and Violet's accomplishments and surprisingly, I liked it just fine. Their world became my world, and in doing so, their world became our world. They had me at their beck and call and I would not have it any other way.
"Daddy! Where'd you go," Violet asked?
"Oh, sorry darling, I was just thinking how lucky I am to know you two and how honored I am to spend this grand day with you both."
"No you weren't Daddy," Rose said. "You were thinking about Mom."
"Rose, you hush your mouth," her sister said.
"It's okay honey. I was being a bit wistful."
"See," Rose snapped.
"I know Daddy," Violet said in a very quiet voice. "You must feel terribly alone."
"Hah," I retorted. "How can I possibly feel alone with the two of you buzzing around like bees looking for flowers?"
"Don't joke Daddy. I miss her too. I wish she were here to share this day with us, like she used to," Violet continued.
"At least," Rose offered, "she was alive and well for our thirteenth. Remember how much fun that was?"
"I do remember," I said. "But you know this is supposed to be a day of celebration, not one of melancholia."
"God, I love that word," Violet said. "It fits my mood perfectly."
"Oh great," Rose said, standing and unwrapping the towel from around her shoulders. "Violet is blue. I'm going back for more sun."
"Very funny," Violet said.
"Don't stay out too long," I warned.
"I won't Daddy, but I want to look super special in my new dress for tonight."
I turned back to look at Violet. She had her chin resting on the backs of her hands, looking at me with what can only be described as a look of helplessness.
"I do miss her," I confessed. "But Violet honey, the two of you more than make up for the emptiness. Believe me. I love the two of you with every cell and bone in my body."
Violet just smiled a wry, small smile that indicated "nice try bub".
I busied myself cleaning up, occasionally glancing down at Violet, but left her alone with her thoughts. After I took everything inside, and cleaned up the kitchen, I went into our music room as we called the family room, strummed my late wife's harp, and sat at the piano to play some chord progressions and to reminisce.
"You're in the minor keys Herr Beethoven," Violet said as she entered the room.
"Hmmm. I guess I was, wasn't I," I realized as I slid a bit to the side of the piano bench to make room for my daughter to sit with me.
She unwrapped the towel she'd been wearing around her wet suit, folded it and set it on the bench and sat down. She immediately leaned her head on my shoulder and asked me to keep playing.
I had been playing for about ten minutes when I felt a warm liquid soak through my shirt.
I stopped playing, turned to look at my daughter's face and saw her eyes closed with a trail of tears dripping down her cheeks and onto my sleeve. I hugged her and began a rocking motion I knew she liked, back and forth from side to side and back, all the while squeezing her tightly to my shoulder.
After a few more minutes she sighed, opened her eyes and smiled up at me.
"I love you Daddy."
"I know sweetheart. I love you too."
"Yes you do Daddy, and that's what keeps me going."
I played for a bit longer, but the mood was too somber for this wonderful day, so I immediately broke into some Leon Russell.
Violet looked up at me and laughed. Not a laugh of humor, but one of understanding at just how odd the hands we're dealt throughout life temper what could be a beautiful existence if death and tragedy did not come to visit from time to time.
Then she dropped the bomb.
"Daddy! What do you do for sex?"
Wow. Just like that my relationship with my daughter changed and changed forever.
"Well honey. I don't really do anything about sex. It truthfully has been so far from my realm of desire; I can't say I remember even wanting a woman in the past five years."
"Why is that?"
"Because I have taken my responsibilities seriously and to even think of venturing back into that world, would take away from the tasks at hand."
"Are Rose and I the tasks at hand?"
"You bet you are."
"Are you angry about that?"
"My lord no. What on earth would make you ask such a question?"
"Well for one thing, I'm not naïve. I may be mostly inexperienced, but anyone with their eyes and ears open in this day and age, knows what sex is. It's everywhere for goodness sake."
I looked at my daughter in a wholly new light. Here was half of all I loved in the world, my daughter, a schoolgirl still, and just like that, we were having an adult conversation about my sexual activities or, more correctly, my lack of sexual activity.
"Listen Violet. This is very hard for me to talk about with you."
"Why?"
"I don't know. It just seems so sudden, and by the way, just how much experience do you have and when did you ever find time to get the experience?"
"Rose and I have been experimenting for some time now."
"You and Rose?" I asked with an incredulous tone to my voice.
"Yeah. Me and Rose." "Wow." I was at a loss for words.
"Are you mad Daddy?"
"No I'm not mad."
"Its just that from time to time, we do a bit more than just snuggle on cold nights."
"Okay. This may be more information than I need to know."
