A Wal Into the Unnown

Is it possible to die of boredom? I almost found out today. No one came into the store all day.

No one!

I wonder how Julia keeps this place open. It's very possible this was a fluke and the others will be different because if this is everyday, I'm going to go crazy here. It's not like the gas station I worked at back home was all that busy, but we had at least one person walk through the door everyday. How can you not get a single person?

Julia was very nice about missing yesterday. I explained to her that we had been staying in a motel but finally found a place to live.

"What's the rent?" She asked.

That question proved to be difficult. I had assumed I wasn't going to tell her anything about my situation, but if I told her we're not paying anything, I'm sure there would be follow up questions.

"We're staying with our mom," I blurted out. I paused for a second, trying to think of why I hadn't mentioned it before, why we were in a motel in the first place instead of going straight to her, why I'm acting weird in the first place. "It's complicated," I explained.

Julia just nodded and said family sometimes is. I was just glad to be done with the conversation. I'm not sure how many people here have heard of Sheridan Farm. I mean this is Los Angeles! It's one of the biggest cities in the country. It's not like some small town where everyone knows everyone. But it also doesn't mean you should go telling everyone your business.

Right now I'm standing outside waiting for Julia to come out so we can go home. It's much noisier here than I'm used to. Back home we lived in the woods. We weren't far from town but we were far enough off a busy street that you didn't hear cars or people all that much. Los Angeles is always noisy. Even when there's not that much going on, there's a lot going on. For a moment I feel excited about leaving the city and going back to the farm until I see Mom's car turn the corner. Then I'm reminded of all the baggage that comes with that farm. The talk this morning was nice. I was in a much better mood all day, but one talk can't make up for a lifetime of pain. Mom pulls up just as Julia walks out the door.

"This is my ride," I say to her.

"Oh, okay. Well thanks for your help today. It was nice having another person around for once," she says with a smile. "Is that your mom?"

I look back and see Mom smile and wave. I turn back to Julia.

"Yup. That's her."

Julia gives me a hug and whispers in my ear. "Be nice. It's tough being a mom."

When she lets go I smile and nod.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I say.

"Bright and early!"

I turn and walk to the car. A part of me wants to be angry at her for thinking she can give me advice on my life after knowing me for just one day, but there's another part of me that appreciates it. I've never had anyone in my life give me advice. At least not someone who had to, like a teacher or a school counselor. Maybe I should tell Julia the truth about me and Rog and Mom. There's another part of me deep down that feels like if she really knew the truth about me, I'd lose her. And my job. But love is love, right? Why should I have to justify my relationship to her?

I get in the car and close the door.

"How was your first day?" Mom asks all chipper.

I shrug. "Boring. No one came in all day."

"Ouch. Is your boss nice at least?"

I nod.

"She seems very friendly with you," she adds.

I shake my head from side to side while I look out the front windshield.

"Yeah," I say. "She's sweet."

"Well that's good. I don't want anyone being mean to my girl."

"I'm not your girl," I say out of instinct. I regret it the moment it comes out. Not so much because it's the truth but because it's not constructive to this new "mom and daughter" thing she's trying to do. I look over at her and she looks down at her lap and takes a breath.

It's tough being a mom.

She looks back up all chipper again and puts the car in gear.

"Well, I suppose you're right. You are an adult now. Let's get back. Everyone's been asking about you all day."

"Like who?"

"You're the talk of the town! And your brother." She looks at me with her eyebrows raised and then laughs. "Don't worry. It happens every time we get a new resident. We're a close knit bunch, so when we get a new member of the family, everyone is eager to say hello."

We drive for a little bit without saying anything, the sights of the city passing by as the urban sprawl turns into rural calmness.

"Your brother started his job today," Mom chimes in.

"Cool." I don't know what else to say.

"You know, if your job becomes too boring, we can give you a more exciting one on the farm."

"No thanks," I say, trying to sound as polite as I can. "I can tell Julia really needs me. I don't want to let her down."

I feel like something is on her mind but I can't tell what it is. She puts her hand on my thigh and gives it a squeeze.

"That's very kind of you, Rachel. Very loyal," she says.

I feel her hand linger for a moment and it isn't until I look down at it that she takes it away. I look over at her but she continues to look forward as she drives. We continue on in silence for some time.

We pull onto the dirt road and drive down for a minute or two until we come across a man I haven't seen yet. He's clean shaven with short cropped blonde hair and broad shoulders. When we approach, he turns around and smiles.

"Hey Liz!" He calls out to mom.

His flat stomach and broad chest shimmer in the sunlight from a thin layer of sweat. It's weird because so far everyone who lives on this farm has had very average bodies, but this man is almost out of the movies. This is Los Angeles. I guess it's inevitable to have at least one actor in the bunch. I can't help but glance down and see his cock dangling from side to side as he walks up to the car. I bite my lower lip and imagine seeing him on top of me, his dangling cock inside of me as I see those chiseled hips thrust back and forth against me.

"Rachel?" Mom says, breaking me out of my daydream.

"What?" I ask, my confusion apparent.

"This is Ben."

"Oh! Nice to meet you Ben." I reach across my mom to shake his hand. He shakes mine and smiles.

"Nice to meet you Rachel."

"Oh, just Rach," I say with a little giggle.

God, who am I?!

"Rach," he says with a smile.

"Ben is one of our gardeners. He's responsible for growing our food."

"

One

of the people responsible," he adds in.

"Well, you taste delicious. The food. That you grow."

I should stop talking.

Mom laughs and looks down at her lap.

"I'm glad," he says. "Don't want anyone going hungry now."

"We'll see you at dinner, Ben," my mom says as she puts the car in gear. Ben takes a step back to let us pass and waves to me as we do. I wave back.

"I agree," she says to me after we pull away.

"With what?"

"He's dangerously handsome," she says with a smile.

"Oh. Is he?" I try to play cool and fail miserably.

Mom laughs and puts her hand on my thigh again.

"Don't worry. I won't tell Rog," she says as she looks over at me. "Everyone's allowed to have thoughts."

This time her hand stays on my thigh until she stops the car. After she puts it in park, she turns to me and runs her hand through my hair, pushing a strand behind my ear.

"Everyone is still doing chores, so feel free to rest up before dinner."

It feels weird feeling her hand on me like this but I don't pay any attention to it.

"Where's Rog?" I ask.

"In the pantry, finishing his work."

I nod. "Thanks for the ride."

Her thumb caresses my cheek. "Of course."

I undo my seat belt and turn my head away from her so I can open the door.

That was weird

, I think as I step out of the car. The green of the forest surrounding me is calming. A much more familiar setting than the mechanical hum of the city. I feel like I'm back home in New Jersey, on a hike and away from my dad. The peacefulness of the forest and the absence of my father's rage. I take a deep breath in and savor the crisp air of the forest.

"Heads up!" Mom calls to me, breaking me out of my serenity.

I have just a moment to catch the keys she just tossed to me.

"Hold on to those," she instructs. "No one uses this car. Once your driving lessons are done, it's all yours."

"Thanks," I say, looking down at the key ring. I wonder what she means. There's no way it's going to me

mine

. I've never owned anything in my life. Well, nothing this expensive.

I look up and see her smiling at me. She turns and bounces off. I wonder why she's in such a good mood? I start walking to the pantry, eyeing my mom as she heads the other way. I think under normal circumstances, this would be a nice place to live. "Normal" meaning my mom wasn't here, people wore clothes, and they had electricity. I don't know how well I'm going to adjust to this whole "natural hours" thing.

There's a man a couple steps ahead of me walking in the opposite direction. His long curly hair bounces up and down with each hefty step. I wouldn't call him fat but he's definitely not slim. I guess I would say

hefty

. He looks strong, a man who works outside but also enjoys his nights. I can't help but look below his waist as well, his cock bouncing from side to side just like his hair. It's weird because seeing a man's cock has never done anything for me before. I've seen dick picks. Men are always looking to show you a picture of their (or someone's) cock, but there's something different about this. Something very arousing about seeing it in this situation. Maybe it's because he's not forcing me to see it in a dick pick, maybe it's because he doesn't seem to even mind that it's out in the open, or maybe it's just that he has a nice cock. I don't know, but watching him approach me has sent a light current through my body. I look up and see his eyes on mine as he passes me by, a knowing smile on his face.

"Afternoon," he says with a nod of his head.

"A...afternoon," I stammer.

After he passes by I look back. He doesn't even turn his head to see me. I bite my lower lip as my mind begins to wander, but I stop myself before I get carried away.

This is weird.

I continue walking, making sure not to look back at the man again. It feels like I'm being unfaithful to Rog, fantasizing about this naked man that just walked by me. But like Mom just said, everyone's allowed to have thoughts, right? As long as we don't act on them.

I get to the pantry without seeing anyone else. I wonder how many people actually live on this farm? They say everyone has a job, but how much is there really to do? When I open the door and step in, I see something I wasn't quite ready for. It takes me off guard at first and I'm not sure I'm in the right place other than the fact that I recognize Rog's face.

He's naked.

His back is to me and Kat and him are laughing about something. After the door closes and the sound carries through the room, they turn and see me. Rog looks down at the floor when he turns around.

"Rach!" Kat calls out. "How's it gong?" She sounds bubbly as ever and runs up and gives me a hug, her breasts bouncing back and forth as she does.

"Good," I say. "Just got back from work.

She grabs my hand and walks me through the cafeteria towards Rog. "We're just finishing up. Actually, we've been done for a while now but me and Rog have been exchanging stories."

"Oh yeah?" I say knowingly to Rog. "Like what?"

"He told me about your trip across country. I can't imagine going all that way by bus!" She laughs.

"Yeah, it was tough," I say.

It's at that moment Kat realizes something is up.

"Well, we can call it a day," she says. "Don't worry about inventorying after dinner. I think that's enough for the first day."

"Cool. Thanks," is all Rog says.

Kat turns to me. "See you at dinner."

I force a smile back. "See you then."

Rog and I start walking out. I wait until we're back in the open to begin.

"What the hell is going on?" I demand.

"I wanted to give it a try," he says.

"So you were naked with her all day?"

"Not all day."

I look lamely at him. That's not what I meant and he knows it.

"It's not like that, Rach."

"Then tell me. What's it like?"

He shrugs. "Try it."

"I'm not trying it!"

"I don't see what your problem is."

"What my problem is?!" The world seems to turn red. I feel a sharp ringing in my ear. "What my problem is???!!!"

"STOP!"

He yells at me and it halts me in my tracks. I've never heard him raise his voice at me before. When he speaks again, it's almost a whisper. "I know how you feel right now."

This is not what I want to hear. I'm about to say something but he stops me.

"This is how I always felt around Dad. You were always able to brush him off. I know he affected you, but he always got to me more than he did you. I've been thinking about yesterday and I think I realize what's going on. Mom gets to you like Dad got to me. It's hard to explain what it is." He searches for words, looking up at the trees with his arms in the air, as if he's reaching for them. "There's like this cloud around you and a ringing in your head. It's like you're constantly angry and you don't know why. You want to lash out but you can't quite put your finger on what it is. You feel like it's so obvious but the more you think about it, the less you can think of the words to describe it. Is that how you feel?"

His words have shocked me into silence. All I can do is nod.

"This is how I felt around Dad every moment of our lives until the day we left. All day I've been trying to figure out why you've been so angry since we got here and then I realized what it was. It's Mom. She makes you feel this way. And I feel about Mom the way you felt about Dad."

I'm about to interject but he stops me again.

"Maybe not exactly the same. I think I'm a little more open to Mom than you were to Dad. But still, I know how you feel Rach. I'm the only one who knows how you feel, because I know you're trying to find the words to describe it and you can't."

He takes my hand and I feel tears start to swell in my eyes.

"Rach, trust me, let it go. The minute we left Dad I felt so much better. But it wasn't until then I realized I could've let it go whenever I wanted to. My life would've been so much easier if I did. And now, this place, it's like everything I've always needed in my life. Just let go. I've spent a couple hours like this now." He indicates his naked body. "And I feel great. I don't know why, but it's like I've shed all the weight I've been carrying around with me all this time."

He looks at me and doesn't say anything. We stare at each other in silence for a long time. I know what he's telling me to do and I want to, but I hear a voice in the back of my head telling me not to. But when I try to think of a reason, I can't. I realize I want to let go. I don't want to be angry. I've never held on to anger like I have in the last two days and I don't want it. We stand together in the open air of the forrest and finally I decide to give in.

I decide to let go.

I start with my shirt. I grab the bottom and lift it over my head. The world disappears and for a moment it's like I'm alone. Just me, hiding in my shirt. I hesitate for a moment, trying to decide if I really want to do this. Then I hear the voice in the back of my head again, but it sounds different this time.

Go.

I pull my shirt over my head and let it drop to the ground. I feel the crisp air on my skin now that my abdomen is exposed. Rog steps away and lets me have some space. I reach behind me and unclip my bra. I hold it in place for a moment, looking at him as I do. He nods, so I let it go. The bra falls to the ground and I feel the cool air hit my breasts. I reach down and undo the button on my pants, sliding the zipper down. I wiggle as I slide my tight fitting jeans to my ankles. I slide my shoes off and step out of them. The cool air now hits my bare legs. I lean down and take off my socks and feel the grass underneath my toes. It feels good, like I'm a kid again running through the yard barefoot. I look up at Rog and he has the warmest smile I've ever seen. There's only one last thing to take off. I slide my panties down and lift my feet out of them. Now fully naked, I stand in front of him. The two of us in an open forrest, nude in front of each other. I lift my arms over my head and close my eyes, listening to the sounds of nature around me. The birds and the air in the trees as it passes over my body.

This is what the leaves feel like.

When I open my eyes, I look to Rog. I've never seen him so happy before. I walk up and wrap my arms around his neck, standing on my tip-toes so I can whisper in his ear.

"You were right."

His hand caresses the back of my head and we embrace in a passionate kiss. The feeling of his naked body against mine and the open air sends chills through me. It feels like the first time we kissed back in our father's house in New Jersey.

The feeling of doing something you're not supposed to.

You're not supposed to be nude in a forrest. But like we found out when we kissed for the first time, there's no reason why you're not supposed to do it. And once you do, you realize you were silly for denying yourself the pleasure all this time. Our embrace builds and I feel his cock grow against my stomach. His breathing becomes heavier and I can feel his tongue reaching deeper inside my mouth. He holds me tightly, like he's afraid someone will reach out and take me away. Then I feel a strange hand on my back and a familiar voice.

"Welcome home."

I break our kiss and look back over my shoulder, startled. Mom is standing there. Instinctively, I cling to Rog tight, trying to cover the front of my body, burying my face in his chest. I can feel Mom get closer and she puts her hands on my shoulders and kisses the back of my head.

"It's okay honey. It's okay. You're very brave. I know this is difficult for you."

Slowly, I lift my face away from Rog's chest and step away from him. I open my body to my mother so she can take a look at me.

This is me Mom. This is who you abandoned.

Before I can say anything, she opens her arms and pulls me into a big hug. She grips me tightly to her body and for a moment, I feel like my mom loves me. Our naked breasts touch and I can feel the warmth of her body on mine. I can start to see what she means about this lifestyle. It's hard to stay angry at someone when you feel the warmth of their body on your naked skin.

"I love you," she whispers in my ear.

She pulls her head away and I try to think of something to say to that, but before I can she leans in and gives me a kiss on the lips. I'm so startled I just stand in shock. Our lips embrace tightly like our bodies are and then she lets go and touches our foreheads together.

"Thank you," she says through tears. "You're a better woman than I ever was."

My mind is racing in so many different directions, I respond without thinking.

"D-don't say that."

"Oh, Rachel," she says as she pulls me in again.

I take a deep breath in, the smell of her body filling my senses. Her scent is familiar because it's my scent. I breath her in deeply again. Finally, I feel the last bits of resistance fail in me and I wrap my arms around her as tight as I can. I bury my face into her breasts and without warning, tears start to wash out of me, as if they're cleansing any last bit of anger and resentment I had left. I feel her hands rub my naked back and our bodies stand there in the open air clinging to each other. All that's left are the tears, and I realize the one thing I was afraid of, though now I don't know why I ever was.

This feels good.