A Taboo Fantasy

As my car gradually slowed down from highway speeds on the exit ramp, I could feel a tension coming over me as I neared my destination. Turning right at the intersection upon the direction of my phone's GPS,

I took a deep breath while leaning forward to reseat myself in hopes of resetting my mind. I grabbed the volume knob on the stereo to turn down my music which I had at an interstate level but now seemed distracting and overbearing on suburban streets.

I had to calm my nerves. My GPS said I had over two miles until my next turn and I was grateful for the moments it bought me. What waited ahead at my destination was exactly what I wanted, but also so far from anything I had experienced before.

My palms got clammy as I felt my heartbeat pumping in my chest. Before I know it my next turn was upon me and I'm quickly on quiet residential streets. I'm close.

Is this real? Is this some sort of setup? As I closed on the home of someone I only knew "virtually", but somehow still very personally, I wasn't sure what to expect.

Questions and doubts continued to race through my head.

The setting was unassuming, a lower middle-class neighborhood of mid-century homes. Showing their age, yet still proudly maintained by those who care for them and have spent decades in them. It's a humble neighborhood, but a quality one.

Making one final turn, I slow my car to a near crawl, partially to better see dimly lit house numbers, and also to buy myself a few more seconds.

Why am I so nervous? What a dumb question that was. The adventure I was embarking on was well outside the scope of my typically mild and predictable life. Finally taking a chance on living out what had become a lifelong dream. Better said, a fantasy. It was something I'd kept hidden for years, but a serendipitous series of events (events which were admittedly orchestrated through the wonders of dating apps) I came by the perfect person. The person who I clicked with, who fits the ideal characteristics, the person who has similar intentions, and most astonishingly, the person who not only understood my fantasy when I sheepishly eluded to it, but who also eventually admitted to sharing a similar fantasy.

"You have arrived at your destination." My car slowed to a stop as I pulled up to a house matching the description I was given. As my hand found the shift lever and moved it to park, my eyes squinted as I looked to confirm the house number in the low light of dusk.

4731 15th Ave NE. This was it.

As promised, a few subtle white Christmas lights illuminated the roofline, and a light was on next to the front door. The warm glow of a few lamps could be seen in the margins of the windows, though again as promised, all the shades were drawn to protect privacy throughout the house.

I willed my legs to move and walked through the brisk December air towards the short driveway. All of this was going to plan. A plan that was laid out between two people willing to live out a shared fantasy and wanting it to be set up perfectly. The plan was detailed and meticulous, though intentionally open ended.

A text was sent when I left my house so my arrival could be timed. Halfway through the short 20 minute drive she had replied with, "Great! I'm ready." Upon arriving at my destination which matched the light blue color single level home that I was told to look for, I give once last warning of my arrival by locking my car causing the horn to briefly but sharply honk. Hopefully it was enough to get her attention inside. I can only imagine the nerves are similar for her, or at least I hope they are.

Mustering every mental pep talk I can come up with, I attempted to exude confidence in a thinly veiled attempt to cover my obvious nerves. I prayed that it would be enough or that her own nerves might distract her from my trembling hands. Taking the final steps up to her front door the pounding pulse of nerves could be felt in my chest again. Pausing for a moment I closed my eyes and attempted to collect my thoughts through yet another deep breath. A moment later a smirk crept across my face as I knew I'd never feel totally prepared for what I was about to do, or any lines I was about to cross no matter how many deep breaths I took.

It was now or never.

The next steps of our plan required a bold action on my part, and I knew the entire evening could be thrown off if I didn't execute exactly what we had discussed. It's what she's preparing for and is the perfect transition into what came next in the fantasy.

The fantasy. It was time to throw caution to the wind, and finally try it. I raised my shaking hand and knocked three times on the door.

Grabbing the door handle I twisted and pushed. As per the plan, the door was unlocked and swung open to let me in as if it were common for me to be here. As my foot stepped inside, the only truly scripted line of the night was mine and this was the cue.

With every effort to ensure a steady and confident voice, I announced my arrival with a greeting of, "Hey Mom! It's me!" and shut the door behind me.