A Knock On My Door

There was a knock at my bedroom door. It was early afternoon and my parents were off shopping. I was doing home work, surfing the web, shifting between porn and science sites. This should have been my time to myself… "Yeah, who's there?"

"Me."

"Me who?" My older sister was pissing me off!

"Can I come In?"

"Yeah, if you remember how to work a door knob! What ya want?"

"Roy, I just want to talk." Damn, sisters will interrupt everything! She always made my life miserable. She had been making my life miserable for years. I had been trying to make her life equally miserable for years. Talk between us was always a thing done to put the other in jeopardy of bringing down the wrath of our parents on each other. The old folks were out and she wanted to talk. Sounded like trouble to me.

"Sis, I'm busy. What you need?"

"I just need to come in for a while."

I switched from my porn site to a NASA gov site and said "OK. Come in, you remember how to do it?"

The door opened and she crept in to sit on the end of my bed.

"Of course! You may sit on my bed."

"Hey, asshole,…am I ugly?"

My mind felt an electric shock and responded 'you're damned right, Sister'; but, my mouth couldn't respond quickly enough and was somewhat civil and asked "OK, Sin, what's bothering you?" She was unusually quiet and almost whispered "I think I'm probably ugly."

My thoughts were "You are ugly!" You're my sister, so "You are ugly!" You're older than me, so "You are ugly!" You're a girl, so "You are ugly!"

I asked, "What makes you feel like you're ugly?" while my heart was jumping for joy that she was beginning to realize that she was no Sleeping Beauty or Cinderella.

"I can't get boys to like me."

Her voice was so quiet and honest, it scared me. Sis was always on the attack and now she seemed to be so vulnerable. She was trying to get me to give her an appraisal of her worth as a human being and all I could think of was 'What in the hell was she after?'

"OK, Sin," ("Cin"…my mental pun was never noticed by anyone; but, I enjoyed it) "you need boys?"

"Damn you! You know what I mean! You have girl friends. You get dates. You have…you have…you get…you know what I mean! I just want a reality check. You're a boy…what's wrong with me? I can't get boys in my life."

"Sin, I'm your brother, so that makes me a boy in your life, if you haven't noticed!"

Cindy began to cry silently. Years of our bantering had not left her a safe entry to my heart, into my soul nor into my conscience. I heard her need but I could not respond with intimate talk. This was good, I have never seen her so weak!

"Roy, I really need to talk. I really need information. Can we quit being brother and sister and just be male and female for a minute? If you're too busy I will go. I'm just so lonely and I don't understand why. Talk to me, please?"

I was beginning to soften and feel something for the girl, something that approached our basic and denied sibling love. I was feeling something so close that only fighting should resolve or satisfy. This time I was feeling something that did not want to fight. Cindy was obviously hurting from something that did not threaten me or force me to get involved. I had no stake in her problem, therefore I would lose; but then again I could not win. Now, my guard was completely down. This was neutral ground.

"Roy, just talk. OK? Am I ugly?"

For the first time in my life I did not see something ugly in front of me. My initial mental reaction was to put her out of her misery and confirm her hideousness. Some how I began to take notice of her physical attributes and deficiencies. The tally was time consuming I had never really seen Cindy before, I had only seen my sister.

She was female…a "positive". She had a nice figure…a "positive". Her hair was long and attractive…it used to be a "suitcase handle" in close combat; now, her hair was a "positive". Her general demeanor used to be bratish and caustic, now it was vulnerable and open…a "positive". She was my sister…a definite "negative". She had a nice figure…a "positive". She was hurting (which I reveled in )…a positive,…she was coming to me to lessen her hurt (I could not believe it)…a "positive". Cindy was older than me (last year this was important, this year it did not matter)…a "neutral". She had a nice figure…a "positive". I owed her one (perpetually)…a "negative". She owed me one (perpetually)…a "negative". She was female…a "positive". She had a nice figure…a "positive". She was Cindy…a "negative". The list and score card kept going on; but, my redundant considering her a female was making the "positives" outweigh the "negatives."

"I'm sorry, Roy." She was crying profusely, though, silently, definitely uncontrollably, she was consumed in convulsions and lots of tears. She stood and went to the door "I'm sorry we could not talk. Please, don't say anything to Mom or Dad. OK?"

How many years had I endured just to see her so down…she was beaten and I had nothing to do with it. My victory wasn't a victory. My victory was just being in the right place at the right time. Life sucks! She was so beaten and I couldn't take credit!

The door closed behind her and I was left with a very heavy burden of a false sense of victory settling upon me. After all the years of being combatants it was not a satisfactory way to win. What beat her? I didn't. Why did she loose? Why does she fear Mom and Dad knowing she lost?

A strange mixture of curiosity and "guilt" from an un-natural win made me follow her. My approaching her was not spontaneous enough to cancel her suffering. I knocked on her door and there was no response. I pushed her door open and got no reply. Cindy was laying on her bed, convulsed in some anguish I could not understand.

If I had hurt her this bad, last week, it would be me up one! She cried and had a death grip on her pillow, she also had a grip on my heart, which I had never acknowledged before "OK Sin, what's up?"

"I just want someone."

"Who?"

"It doesn't matter…just someone."

I sat on her bed next to her stomach, as she was curled up in a near pre-natal ball.

"Will I do?" (I meant for this to repulse her.)

"Roy, I'm so weak I would love to 'have' you, I just need someone, anyone! I need someone to talk to, and I don't need to fight anymore."

There is no loss so great as the loss of an enemy you did not vanquish! My life and dreams were over. What the hell happened to this girl?

"OK, Sin" and somehow I said this in the right tone of voice because she uncurled and held me about my waist and buried her face in my butt right cheek..

"I over-heard some guys at school talking about me."

"And…?"

"It hurt, Roy. It really hurt!"

"OK, Sin. What did they say?"

"Everything I didn't want to hear."

She continued, "Sam said, my tits were nice if you didn't want them to be the same size! Bobby said, I was so tall you had to fuck me or kiss me twice cause it would take two dates to bet both. Peter said, he'd like a blow job if he could believe my teeth would fold back! James said, I would be better looking if I wore a sack on my head!"

"Damn, Sin. Were you in the boy's locker room or something?"

"Well…yeah…sort of..." That's why…that's why I can't tell Mom or Dad! The dumb girl was in the boy's locker room.

"Sin, boys don't write poetry there! What the hell were you doing in there?"

"The custodian asked me to put a stack of towels on the coaches desk before the football team returned from practice."

"So you put the towels on his desk and left?"

"Yeah…no…I saw some of Coach's notes on his desk about the players and I started reading them."

"And?..."

"I stayed too long! I had to hide. I heard it all. I had to wait until they were gone. Roy, am I that ugly?"

"Sin, I'm not used to thinking of you that way. You're my sister."

"Do I need a sack, are my tits mis-sized, am I too tall, am I…"

"Sin, you were in the boy's locker room. Did you hear them say anything nice? Did they say anything about the other girls?"

"No. They just talked about me."

"Sin, it all 'boy talk'. 'Run down anything you care about. Don't admit you are attracted to anything nice'. Sin, if they didn't compare you to any other girl, then their minds are not attracted to any other girl, It's a complete denial, run down the only thing that attracts you."

"Boy's aren't like that! They can't be!"

"Sin, I know you're in pain, so I will leave you…but you've just been paid the highest compliment those bastard can offer you."

"My tits are misshapen?"

"No, Sin, you're they only girl they talked about, you're the only one they cared to talk about. They don't know what they want. None of them has the balls to admit they'd like to get into your pants. The other girls don't matter, so they never talked about them. You're hurt, but you didn't hear anything positive or negative about anyone else, so just learn to hear 'boy talk' and what it means." I leaned down and kissed her on the forehead and left the room. Why the hell did I kiss her? She's in pain, she is a pain, and I just surrendered!

I have just lost my best enemy! My grief will be severe!

CHAPTER 02

There was a knock at my bedroom door. It was early afternoon and my parents were off on an errand, so it had to by my sister, Sin. "Yeah, who's there?"

"Me, Cin…." My older sister was pissing me off! "…can I come in?"

"Yeah. What ya want?"

"Roy, can we talk?" Damn, sisters can be a pain in the ass! Sounded like trouble to me.

I switched from my porn site to a NASA gov site and said "OK. Come in, if you know how to work the door!"

"Thanks, Roy." She sat on my bed. She saw my monitor had a picture of the US at night, with all the cities lit up.

"Have we really filled up all that much of our country?" Before I could answer that, she had 10 to 15 more commentaries and questions to offer. "Are boy's really interested in that?"

"Yeah, Sin…when we're not thinking of girls."

"Roy, thank you for listening to me last night, I really, really needed that. I mean, I didn't know what was going on."

"What makes you think I'm right?"

"I talked with some of the other girls…Susie is worried because her left breast is nearly half the size of her right breast and the boys did not comment on that. She said that if my small problem was important to them, then her problem was hopelessly insignificant. She got pissed and it was all my fault!"

"Sin, there's boy talk and there's girl talk. You have to learn to listen and hear which is which and what is important."

"I feel better about myself, today. Thank you, Roy."

"Sin, " and something inside me made me want to address her as "Cin." I was loosing a battle here and I did not know why, I've fought and played by the rules and suddenly my sister is becoming important to me. Damn, that's a problem. It's easier to hate then love, and she was pushing the envelope.

"Sin, I'm glad you are feeling better, you should."

"I'm not that ugly?"

"Sis, you are no uglier than I am. But, I admit that I've not found any one who thought enough about me to think I was ugly."

"Roy, you're kidding. All the girls think you're hot."

"Yeah, I'm so hot, why can't get a second date with any of them!"

"They are afraid of you. You're too much for them. They don't have enough self esteem to risk loosing you when you don't come back a third time…they cut and run and brag about their first date with you…nothing lost in a second date."

"What the hell are you saying Cin? That doesn't make any sense."

"It's 'girl talk', dumb-ass! It's 'girl talk'. There's boy talk' and there's 'girl talk'. You have to learn to listen and hear which is which and what is important."

I think I heard that somewhere before!

"Got ya, Sis. So, what brings you into here tonight. More mis-shapen boobs?"

"No, shithead. I just wanted to …shit, I don't know why I'm here."

We sat in quiet solitude each of us in our own cocoon.

"Roy. Seven weeks from tomorrow is the Jr/Sr Prom. Would you be my date?"

"Damn Cin, boys and girls are supposed to fuck after that night, why would you want to ask me? I'm your brother!"

"I wasn't thinking of fucking, asshole, I was thinking of dancing and being with someone who could make me the envy of all the girls…all the girls, who would not be with you that night. Dream on about fucking, shithead, I'm going to bed."

Cin slammed my door as she stomped back to her room. I heard her door slam and lay down to sleep with nightmares of her kissing me for a prom photograph. She wasn't that ugly, really, and I had no reason to refuse her, except she was my dreaded sister.

CHAPTER 03

Ever since that first nights visit, our days were devoid of any bickering. Cindy was almost a pleasure to be around. There were no verbal attacks, she didn't tell the folks I was being nice but she didn't tell them anything to get me in trouble, either. Two days in a row and no flak from the dreaded sister. She didn't even tell them how she caught me peeing in the bathroom sink! Now that is weird. I'm going to have to watch this girl! She's up to something!

CHAPTER 04

There was a knock at my bedroom door. It was early afternoon and my parents were off, another errand. It was my sister, Cin. "Yeah, who's there?"

"Me, Cin."

She could really piss me off!

"Can I come In?"

"Yeah, yeah!"

"Roy, can we talk?" Sounded like trouble to me.

Cindy came in and sat on my bed.

"I didn't want to freak you out about the Prom. I just don't have a date."

"If you're that needy, I'm free." I had reconsidered and did not know what that would mean.

"Fine, shithead, you're on, it's a date. You can't back out now or I'll tell Mom and Dad!"

"You won't have that pleasure, girl, because It 's put out or shut up time!" Male bravado tries to intimidate and I didn't mean any thing by it, I was just trying to push a button so I pushed.

"Little brother, you have a date and a commitment, are we on?" So much for male bravado!

No man ever says 'no', so all I could say was "we are on and we will dance and make your friends jealous."

Cin grabbed me and held me embarrassingly tight and uncomfortably close, "Thank you, Roy, This will be the best night of our lives!"

I sheepishly offered, "Cin, this is just a show, right? I mean a date to get you friends jealous?"

"Oh yes, we will get them jealous! Oh yes!"

CHAPTER 5

Cindy was especially nice to me and I could not understand why. Breakfast was pleasant, lunch was no conflict and she came home from school in a good mood. I tried to piss her off and could not get a rise out of her. Some where, along the way, I had lost my sister. We did the dishes after supper and what used to take us 1 ½ hours took 15 minutes. We watched TV with the folks and never argued, I was freaking out!

"Mom, Dad, Roy has consented to be my escort to the Prom!". It was too late now, I could not deny it, Mom and Dad knew.

"That's excellent! Roy, you can watch out for you sister's safety. This is great!" My fate was sealed. Yes, I had given my word to escort her, but now it was official. Now I was damned with no escape. Cindy kissed my on the forehead an marched off to bed. As she marched up the stairs to bed it seemed like her ass was swaying back and forth a little more than usual. Then, again, maybe I was looking a little more closely. Damn, I could handle this better if my sister was ugly. The truth was her tits were a matched pair and I had no defense against her intentions. Fortunately, Mom and Dad went to bed and gave me time to get my boner under control. Cindy was killing me. I went to bed.

Chapter 6

There was a knock on my door. The folks were out. and my sister, Cin…wanted in..

"Yeah, who's there?"

"Cin."

"Come in, Sis, come in"

"Do you want to talk?

"OK, what's up?"

"I just thought you might want to say something."

"Cin (have I been calling "Cin"? I think I'm losing more than a battle just when I was sure I won the war!)

"If I wanted to say something I'd be pounding at your door instead of sitting in front of my computer!" damn she was still irritating!

She seemed to be sniffling "Roy, ever since you told me about 'Boy talk' life has been better for me. Things that I hear at school excite me, now. It used to get me pissed off, or get frightened. Tell me more. Thank you for talking to me when you did!"

"Damn, Cin, there is no more. It's just…it's just, you've got a lot of boys who want in your pants when they've never been in anyone's pants before."

"Have you been in anyone's pants?"

"Cin, cut it out…If you must know, I'm virgin. Now, go to bed!"

Cin just giggled and left the room. I tried to surf for porn and somehow wasn't into it. Cin had upset me and I didn't know why.

The next day was a continuance of the last three days. No arguments in front of the old folks. Cin even gave me a kiss on my cheek as she rushed out the door to get a ride to school with her friends.

After school there was a grilled cheese sandwich waiting for me when I got home. I was eating the sandwich on the patio and Cin came and sat with me.

"Is it any good?"

"Yeah, it's great. Did you put garlic salt on it?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"'Cause that's the way I like it. I wanted you to have everything I like! Do you like it?"

"It's good! Are you trying to be nice to me, Cin?"

"Yeah, I guess so. Roy, I'm tired of fighting. Your really helped me by telling me about 'Boy talk', I guess I'm just trying to even things up."

"Cin, I guess I'm tired of fighting too. What are we going to do if we don't fight?"

She just giggled. I ate my sandwich, and she just kept giggling. She really was kind of pretty as she watched me eat my sandwich.

"I think I'll have to make you another one of those tomorrow, since we don't want to fight anymore!"

I really have lost my best enemy, my sister likes me!

I wanted another sandwich for tomorrow so I had better find something to give her to keep this up. What the hell would she want, what would the prize be? When you spend years fighting someone, it's damned difficult to think of how to please, instead. I had been bought by a grilled cheese sandwich and was now up to my ass in debt. Damn, it was so much easier to fight!

The next day, I was cleaning out the garage. My folks bought a second car and they decided it was going to stay in the garage. Boxes of long forgotten stuff began to mount on the front sidewalk for pickup. One box had the bottom fall out as I picked it up to take to the curb. It was full of odds and ends from years ago.

One item caught my eye, a Christmas picture from 10, 12, no, 13 years ago. I was 4. I had "given" Cindy a 'my little pony', she was grinning at the camera when the picture was taken. I had my arms around her as she held the toy up to be photographed. She liked the toy, I was proud that she liked it. I remembered the day the folks gave me the toy to give to her, I thought it was neat to have something to give "Sissy" (it's been years since I called her that.) I put the photograph in my pocket and picked up the rest of the stuff whose values have long been forgotten.

That evening…

Chapter 7

There was a knock at the door.

"Who's there?"

"Me!"

"Come in, Me."

The folks were out, so I opened the door. Slowly I entered the room.

Cin was laying on her bed reading a book; slowly she looked at me and said "OK, Me, do you need to talk?"

I sat on her bed next to her, about waist high. I told her about cleaning out the garage and that I had found something.

I handed the picture. She looked at it and tears began to fall from her cheeks.

"That was back when we liked each other!, Roy, I remember it. I have forgotten it for so long! I, I…, Roy can I have it?"

I told her the picture was hers.