A Game Between Cousins

"Hello?" I asked, answering on the first ring.

"Hey Jen, it's me," James said, as if anyone else would be calling.

"Hey you," I said quietly. It'd been about thirty minutes since he'd left. I'd done some more crying in that time, but my eyes were dry now.

"How are you doing?" he asked hesitantly.

"I'm okay."

"Are you sure? Does it still hurt?"

"Nope. All better," I lied. The pain was getting better though.

"That's good," he said cautiously.

"Yea," I agreed. "How was the drive?"

"A little weird. My mom was out of it, but dad wanted to talk. I had a hard time focusing."

"Cause of what happened?" I asked, knowing the answer. "With us I mean."

"Yea," he said.

"Think he could tell something was up?"

"He's still pretty wasted. I doubt he'll even remember the ride home."

"That's good," I said.

"Yea," James agreed.

Well this was awkward.

"So....." I said, breaking the silence.

We both laughed uncomfortably, then James turned somber.

"I really feel I owe you an apology," James said.

"We went over this. You already apologized."

"It's not good enough Jen. Not after what I did."

"I already told you. You don't have anything to apologize for," I said.

"I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that. We were just playing a game, and then next thing you know..."

"I could have stopped you," I said. "I'm a lot stronger than you."

"Well obviously," he laughed. "You couldn't move though."

"It's just a game. It's not like I literally couldn't move."

"Why didn't you stop me then?" he asked.

Why didn't I? That was the first thought that came to me when he'd pulled off my clothes. Why aren't you stopping him? When he stuck his finger in me, I thought the same thing. He wasn't the first guy who'd tried to do that, but he was the only one I'd let get away with it. When his pants came down, I knew what was coming. I panicked, but I didn't stop him. Why?

I'd spent the time since he'd left alternating between punishing myself for what happened and trying to figure out why I'd let it. I'd never given up during the game before, no matter how much he'd tickled me. I was strong, and I prided myself on that strength. I thought I could handle anything he threw at me. I wouldn't back down, no matter what. That was such a small part of it though. If I was being honest with myself, there was really only one reason I didn't stop him.

"Because I didn't want to," I said.

"What do you mean?"

"I think..." This was hard to say. It was hard enough admitting it to myself. "I think I wanted it to happen. Not like that, not so... I dunno. But I guess..." How could I put this? "I was really getting into the game," I said.

"How so?" he asked.

"Just really getting into it," I said.

"Alright, but what do you mean?" he said, really trying to drag it out of me.

"I was turned on, alright!?"

"I thought you seemed pretty... wet..." he said, his nervousness with such language still evident, even after he'd fucked me.

"I was. I always..." Dammit. I'd said more than I meant to.

"Always?"

"I always get wet when we play the game," I said.

"Really?" he asked, sounding genuinely surprised.

"Yea. I don't know why. I just always get turned on when we play."

"Oh god, right? There's just something about it," he said.

"Well I always knew you were turned on," I laughed.

"What? How?"

"Oh come on... you were always pressing your dick into me."

"No I wasn't!" James said, his voice rising an octave.

"Yea, you were. You got a boner every time we played."

"I didn't think you noticed," James said sheepishly. The embarrassment in his voice made me feel a little better.

"It was kind of hard not to with your tickling and crawling all over me," I said.

"It didn't gross you out?" he asked.

"No, it wasn't gross," I said honestly. It was weird being able to finally say these things out loud. "I always looked forward to it."

"My boner?"

"The game." I rolled my eyes, hoping my annoyance came through in my tone.

"Alright, but if you wanted tonight to happen, why did you cry so much?" he asked.

"Lots of reasons. Mostly because it hurt, a lot, but also... I mean, the way it happened," I said, the tears welling in my eyes again. "I'm such a slut."

"You are not a slut," James said forcefully.

"Yes, I am," I said, fighting my best to keep from crying.

"You are not."

"You know that I am. I mean, come on. You're my cousin! We're not even dating!"

"How many guys have you had sex with?" James asked.

"Stop."

"How many?"

"Stop it."

"You've only ever had sex one time, with one guy," James said. "You can't be a slut."

"We didn't even kiss first!" I said, breaking into sobs.

"That was my fault," James said. "You had nothing to do with that."

"I had nothing to do with that? I could have said no! I could have asked you to go slower, to be more gentle. I could have said you were hurting me. I could have done anything, but I just laid there and let you do it." I said, it all coming out of me. "I was waiting for the perfect moment with the perfect guy, and then I got horny and I just let you do whatever you wanted. Like a slut."

James was silent for a moment, then quietly asked me a question.

"You want to know why I did it?"

"Because you were horny and you're a guy and I was dumb and said you could do whatever you wanted to me," I said, the answer completely obvious to me.

"It wasn't that. I was horny, sure, but I had sex with you because you're my absolute favorite person. Ever. I can't stop thinking about you. Whenever I'm with you, everything is just better. When I'm with you all the problems I have with school or work or girls just disappear. It's just you and me and it's great. Really great. For the little while we're together, I don't... I don't hate myself. I'm just happy, like really happy, and it's intoxicating. When I'm away from you it all goes to shit again, but I keep going through the day because I think of you, and what might happen the next time I get to see you. I wasn't planning on going all the way with you tonight, not even when the last round started. Once I'd started touching you though, like really touching you, the chance... the chance to get to be more than friends, more than cousins... it was everything.

"And then it happened, and it was wonderful, and I knew, I KNEW I'd fucked it all up. Everything. I'd moved too fast, too rough, and I took something from you that you didn't want to give, and I felt small. So small. Seeing you crying like that, I felt like every bad thing anyone ever said about me, every bad thing I'd thought about myself, it was all true. All of it. I was a shit person and I'd done a shitty thing and I'd ruined the one good thing in my life.

"And then you kissed me, and you told me it was alright, and you asked me to call you when I got home. I hurt you, and you tried to make me feel better about it. I don't think I've ever felt more relieved and more unworthy of kindness than I did right then, and still do now. So no, I don't think you're a slut. I think you're amazing, and I don't think you have anything to feel bad about."

I sat there in silence for a moment, my tears gone, processing what he'd just told me.

"James?" I asked softly.

"Yea?"

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too."

We stayed up talking as long as we could, and I fell asleep to the sound of his voice.

I spent the next few days processing what had happened, as well as my newfound feelings for James. On the one hand, I was filled with joy. I'd had boyfriends before, but they could never make me feel half of what I was feeling for James. I'd spend the day reading and rereading the sweet texts he'd send me, trying to find the perfect reply to each one. I'd find myself just wondering what he was doing throughout the day, and just picturing the next time I could be with him.

Unfortunately those weren't the only feelings I was wrestling with. I loved James and I wanted to be with him, but a part of me agreed with him that, to a certain extent, he'd taken advantage of me that night. When it had first happened I'd felt like I'd done something wrong, but that wasn't right. I'd had sex with a man I loved. There wasn't anything wrong with that, and it certainly didn't make me a slut.

There was something wrong with the way he'd treated me though. He hadn't been concerned with my pleasure or making sure I wanted what was happening. In that moment he only cared about himself. That worried me. James was funny, smart and caring. At times he astonished me with his kindness. I loved him for that. He could also be a complete, selfish jackass. Both sides of him came out that night, and I couldn't afford to ignore either. Talking with him afterward had helped reassure me, but if we were going to be together, that was the last night I'd allow myself to be used.

I couldn't stay away from him though.

"Hop in!" James said. It was Wednesday. It'd been four nights since we'd last played the game. Four nights since he'd been inside me.

He reached across the passenger seat and pushed the door open. I entered the car and fastened my seatbelt.

"Hey you," I said, kissing him on the cheek.

"Get out okay?" he asked.

"No problem." My parents had gone to bed at 10:30, but I'd waited until 11:00 to sneak out, just to be safe. James had been waiting nearby, then drove up with his lights off when I'd texted him the go-ahead. Eighteen or not, as long as I lived under my parent's roof I had to live by their rules, and that meant no going out late on school nights.

"Where to?" he asked.

"Safeway? Not a lot of options," I live in Dallas, Oregon, where the only things open past eleven are Safeway and bars. James lived in Salem. Lots of stuff open late there, but his place was a half-hour away. I couldn't be out all night.

"You need milk or something? Eggs?" James asked.

"Oh shut up," I laughed, pushing him.

"I've got an idea," he said, shifting from park to drive. "Unless you really need groceries." I didn't. We pulled into the city park a few minutes later, and James found a secluded place to park.

"City Park? Not a bad idea," I said. "You bring a frisbee?"

"I had something else in mind," he said, his lips meeting mine. I closed my eyes and returned his kiss passionately. I'd thought of nothing else but James since that fateful night. It felt like such a relief, his skin on mine again.

James smelled of cologne and tasted of spearmint. His stubble was short enough to be sexy, but long enough that it didn't hurt. I loved it. I let my tongue explore his mouth, circling his with my own. We'd kissed several times on Saturday night, but there hadn't been any real romance to it. He'd just taken what he wanted. Tonight we were both equally in control, and that made all the difference.

I bit his lower lip playfully, sensually, then opened my mouth again to him. He pulled my face into his with his hands, and I placed a hand on his leg. We continued this way until he migrated his kisses from my lip to my neck, causing my arms to break out in goosebumps. As he kissed and gently bit I felt tingles throughout my body, starting with my neck and spreading to my pussy. I heard myself moan as my hand squeezed his thigh involuntarily.

James took this as an invitation to begin unbuttoning my jeans, but that was a step further than I was willing to go tonight. I clasped my hand over his to make it clear, but he kept trying to get my pants open.

"No," I said, pulling his arm away from me. "Not tonight."

"Are you not liking this?" he asked, confused.

"Of course I am," I said, the arousal evident in my flushed skin. "I don't want to have sex in a parking lot though."

"It's a really nice parking lot," James quipped.

"It's a parking lot. It's not happening."

"What do you expect? We don't really have a lot of options here," James said, sounding frustrated.

"We both have bedrooms. With beds," I said firmly.

"You know what I mean. I can't exactly invite you over to my place. My parents would die if they saw us together."

"I know, and I get that we have to be sneaky. Last time wasn't romantic at all though," I said, trying my best to make him understand.

"Yea, but I brought you out here to show you I can do better."

"This is your idea of better?" I asked, shocked. "Fucking me in your Ford Fiesta? You said I'm not a slut. Don't treat me like one."

I crossed my arms and stared out the passenger-side window. If we slept together here it would probably be a step up from when I'd lost my virginity, but only because the bar was set so low the first time. I was just as horny as he was, but the next time I had sex would have to be more romantic if I was going to feel okay with it. In the meantime I needed to know that James was okay with me saying no when I wasn't comfortable. If he wasn't, there was no way this could work.

We sat there not speaking to each other for several minutes. Finally, James broke the silence.

"I don't think you're a slut," he said. "I think you're wonderful. We don't have to do anything you don't want to."

"Thank you," I said, softening slightly.

"I didn't realize you'd feel this way. I just thought we could find someplace to be alone together, away from our parents and everyone. I don't make enough money to get a hotel room."

"I know, and I'm glad we're here," I said, holding his hands in mine. "I wanted to see you tonight too. You know that. I was having fun. It's just that I always pictured my first time would be special, and I didn't get that."

"That's my fault," James said.

"It's our fault. We both participated. I want my next time to be romantic though. Sensual."

"I want that too," he said, looking me in the eyes. "I can give you that. I will."

"I believe you," I said.

We held hands and made small talk for a bit, but the mood was dead. James drove me back to my place and parked around the corner. We kissed goodnight, then I snuck back inside and crept down to the basement.

When I got downstairs I found my bedroom light on and the door cracked open. Neither of those things were true when I'd left. I opened the door the rest of the way to find my mom sitting on the bed, staring at her phone. She looked up when I opened the door.

"Look who's home. Come take a seat," she said, patting the mattress beside her.

Fuck.

"Hi mommy," I said, head lowered, heart racing. I took a seat.

"Hey Jenny. Want to tell me where you've been?" she asked.

"Not really," I said, staring at my feet.

"Was that James's car I saw you drive off in?"

"You saw that?" I asked.

"Yep," she said. "Heard the front door. Looked out the window and saw you two drive off."

"Does dad know?" I asked in a panic, meeting her eyes.

"Your father's sleeping. I haven't said anything." Thank God.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snuck out," I said.

"No, you shouldn't have. I'm just so surprised. This isn't like you."

A wave of guilt washed over me. I wasn't a goody two-shoes or anything, but I was always honest and open with my parents. Well, my mom anyway. Dad could be... difficult. I never kept anything from my mom though, and I certainly didn't sneak out at weird hours of the night.

If James was just any guy, I would have gone to her right away and told her what was happening between us. My mom always stressed that I could talk to her about anything, even sex. When I turned 16 I was finally allowed to start going on dates. My mom arranged for me to get an IUD, even though I thought it was silly. She said that even if I didn't feel ready to have sex yet, the time would come when I'd want to, and it was best to be prepared.

She'd just asked that I not tell dad.

After I'd lost my virginity I thought back to that talk, and I was so grateful she'd had me go on birth control. James hadn't even used a condom. I wanted to thank her and tell her everything that had happened. I wanted to tell her how I was feeling and have her tell me everything was going to be okay. I couldn't do that though. I'd always been able to tell her anything, but how could I tell her I'd fucked her nephew?

"I'm sorry mom," I said, my eyes becoming watery.

"What were you up to?" she asked.

"I was just with James." I said, head bowed again, hands kneading the hem of my shirt.

"Okay, but what were you guys doing at eleven on a school night?"

I had to think fast. The way I saw it, I had two choices: I could tell her the truth, and let the chips fall where they may, or I could lie. I hated lying to my mom. James and I had promised we wouldn't tell anyone what happened though, and I couldn't break that promise.

"James was upset. He had some problems with a girl and wanted to talk," I lied. Good start, but not enough. "He just found out his girlfriend cheated on him."

"James has a girlfriend?" my mom asked.

"He did. They broke up tonight," I said, confident in the story that was taking shape.

"That's awful. How's he doing?"

"He's upset," I shrugged. "Angry. He'll be alright though."

"I'm sure he will be. He's a good kid," my mom said, wrapping her arm over my shoulders. "You're both good kids."

I wasn't. We weren't. I leaned into my mom's embrace, laying my head against her.

"You can't just go sneaking out though," she said. "You've got school. Your dad could've seen you." That thought frightened me a lot more than being tired at school tomorrow. If dad had caught me he wouldn't be nearly as understanding.

"I know. It won't happen again."

"I guess it could have been worse. When you kissed his cheek I didn't know what to think," she said, sounding relieved. I'd forgotten I'd done that. "Then you guys just drove off... It didn't look good."

It wasn't good. I should have yelled out, "Mom! Gross!" and told her even suggesting I might be into my cousin was disgusting. I should have said it with my words, my face, my body. I should have left no doubt in her mind that I wasn't interested in James, I never would be, and I couldn't believe she'd even suggested it. A week ago I would have. Instead I just laughed nervously.

"Don't be weird mom."

She eyed me skeptically. I kept kneading my shirt.

"Alright, well don't let me catch you sneaking out again. I won't tell your father this time, but you only get one freebie," she said, rising to leave.

"Thank you," I said, grabbing her hand. "Really.

"Of course sweetie. I still remember what it's like to be your age, you know. I'm not THAT old. Don't be too anxious to grow up. You're still my baby."

Would she still think I was her baby if she knew what I'd done? I'd managed to keep the tears in check throughout our conversation, but that last comment made it really, really hard. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would burst.

I squeezed her hand one more time and smiled at her. She kissed me on the forehead, wished me goodnight and left the room.

As soon as the door was closed the tears started flowing. I held my head in my hands and just sobbed quietly, trying to understand what I was feeling. After a minute I changed into pajamas, turned out the lights and grabbed Pooh Bear from the closet.

My parents had given me Pooh when I was just five. At the time he was as big as I was. I loved that bear and slept with him every night. Then one day I decided I was going to be a big girl and stuffed animals were for babies. Pooh was condemned to the closet.

I didn't feel too big for stuffed animals now. I just wanted to be my mom's little girl again. I held Pooh close, cuddled into a ball, and cried myself to sleep.

"What's wrong?" James asked. It was two nights later. My parents were asleep and I was in bed, talking quietly on the phone. Pooh was back in the closet, his job accomplished.

"What do you mean?" My cellphone was wedged between my face and shoulders so I could paint my toenails.