The Stacked Deck
(a Jonas Silversmith story)
"In my line of work, being tense and nervous just sort of comes with the territory, being that making a mistake can cost dozens, if not hundreds, of people their lives. My name is Steve Hayes, also known as the Three of Clubs. I'm what's known as a Sanitizer. The Head Sanitizer for North America, as a matter of fact, and, as you all know, I work for The Deck in support of The Veil," I said into the mirror of my hotel room, trying not to read off of my notes.
In only a couple of hours, I was going to have to give this speech for real, so I wanted to be sure I had all the rhythms right. I'd been told a couple of weeks ago that I'd been selected to speak to a group of seniors at Liavek College, one of the premiere magical universities in North America, and to convince the students while Sanitizers, although certainly far from the most glorious job, was one that more students needed to consider getting into.
"Our job as Sanitizers is to ensure that the Veil, that is to say the protection keeping the general nonmagical public from becoming aware of magic, stays intact," I said, leaning against the dresser like it was podium. "We are authorized to use any power in our arsenal to do that, and that also means that unlike the rest of the magical public, I'm authorized to kill anyone, anywhere, anytime, anyplace, if it means keeping magic's existence from getting out to the general populace. For that reason, we're the most selective of the branches of magical military service, and we reject a lot more applicants than we take in. But that should be something
encouraging
you to try, not
discouraging
you. We definitely
need
more people in the Sanitizers, especially as we're having to deal with the encroaching power of technology and 24/7 surveillance state. So for the next hour and change, I'm going to walk you through what I do, how I do it, what I
don't
do, why not and what things happen to me on a daily basis that you wouldn't expect. I've left the rest of the second hour purely to answer questions, simply because I'm sure you're loaded with them."
I looked at myself in the mirror with a deep sigh. Normally I try to avoid these kinds of things, but three weeks ago, I got a request from the Dragonborn himself, Jonas Silversmith, the Red Joker, and he's not the kind of person anyone in our field likes to tell 'no,' so I didn't feel comfortable declining when he sent me the invitation.
It'd been a while since I'd set foot at Liavek College. I only looked like I was about to be turning fifty. Most of us mages have extended our lives through one way or another, and I was actually born on January 1
st
1924, meaning I just turned a hundred years old a few months ago, but I'd been a student at Liavek College in the 40s and had gone straight from there to working in the Sanitizers.
Being a Sanitizer isn't the sort of work that most magicians find they have the temperament for, because it requires an insanely attentive eye for detail combined with an utter sense of ruthlessness if things go south in a hurry.
A lot of Sanitizers crack after just a few years on the job, because at some point, the job is probably going to ask of them more than they're capable of handling. We also find out when that moment comes, they're going to linger on it for the rest of their careers, so we have to end their career right then and there. I usually get called in to erase their memories of all the work they've done with the Sanitizers, and they just have a professional hole in their minds, carved out by me.
The most recent Sanitizer we had to retire couldn't handle the fact that they'd failed to convince a young mother that she hadn't seen a werewolf attack, and because their enchantment hadn't held, I'd had to come in and clean up the wreckage a bit more sharply. I was lucky in that I didn't have to leave any bodies on the floor, but I'd definitely done my share of mental damage to the people that hadn't been handled properly the first time.
It's lonely work, and to be honest, trying not to tell the students about that part was going to be the biggest challenge. I had to make sure the weight of the work wasn't enough to discourage any of them from moving into Sanitation. We were already short staffed as it was. But I also didn't want to look like a square, and no offense to Silversmith, I also didn't want to look like I was showing off. I put on an emerald green silk shirt and black slacks, but I also kept on my combat boots, a reminder that at
any
moment, Sanitizers could be called upon to clean up the mess of lesser wizards.
Frankly, I was hoping some kind of emergency would spring up in the middle of the presentation and that I would have to go and deal with it rather than answer questions from students about the worst things I've had to do as a Sanitizer.
I grabbed my note cards, tucked them into my pocket, pulled out my cell phone, called for an Uber to take me from the hotel to the campus and then headed down to the lobby.
The ride over I only had my thoughts to keep me company, and I sighed, wondering for a moment whether or not I'd wasted the last 80 years of my life. I knew the work was important, but I'd given up a hell of a lot to make sure that the Veil wasn't broken. Still, if I said it hadn't taken its toll on me over the years, I'd be lying.
Over most of the last century, I'd typically hire a lady of the evening once a season, sometimes for the sex, but mostly just to hold me for twenty-four hours, usually while I cried.
I always blurred their memories the morning after.
Dating, finding love, these are all complicated things for even the smallest magician, but for those of us in Sanitation, they're basically a write-off. It generally requires our partners be other magicians, and they have to be the kind of person who can handle dealing with knowing their partner could have come home from work on any given day and have committed a triple homicide in the service of the greater good of protecting the Veil.
Nobody comes out entirely clean when you work in Sanitation.
The car dropped me off at the main office of Liavek College, the entire university concealed within a very powerful enchantment north of San Francisco, off by a place called Bolinas Point, overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The Uber dropped me off at a turn off from Mesa Rd that had a sign pointing off to "Historic KPH Transmitter Site" and I realized I probably should've rented a car, but I swiped through the driver's mind just reflexively anyway, so he'd think of it as just another fare.
Standing outside of the office (which was invisible to any untrained in the magical arts) was Jonas Silversmith himself, dressed in his impeccable suit, all tans, his hand resting on his walking stick, his little goth Lolita demoness sidekick by his side, as she had been since his return a few decades ago. "Early, as ever," Silversmith said to me, offering his hand for me to shake, which I did. "It's good to see you again, Steve. We were a little worried you might decline my invitation."
"Jonas, I learned a long time ago that unless there was an
extremely
compelling reason to refuse you, one should never," I said with a chuckle. "Besides, you're entirely right. The number of people signing up to join me in working in Sanitation declines every year, so we gotta do something to start gettin' em in to consider the importance of what I, well, what
we
do. I don't want to be one of the last men standing on the wall when the Veil's under assault. Even I have to rest sometimes. I do appreciate you lending a hand with some of the more... exotic cases."
"Well, when it came to the other Dragonborn, how were you supposed to know what to do with our kind?" Silversmithsaid to me as we started walking down the pathway. "Besides, you've had loads of gigs when you could've called for help and nobody would've faulted you for it, and you handled it all by yourself."
"I don't like anyone thinking the old man isn't capable of dealing with things on his own," I told him with a slight smile. "I want anyone who joins the Sanitizers to be completely prepared to handle the biggest of challenges without flipping out."
"You're not
that
old, Steve," Silversmith told me. "When you're on your third or fourth century, maybe I'll feel some sympathy for you. In fact, I've been told you haven't been coming to do presentations to the student body for a while now."
I frowned a little bit, wondering who'd been ratting me out. "I've taken a few years off, that's true, but that was after the last time I got a complaint for how I answered the hardest day I'd had working as a Sanitizer."
"It
was
rather a bleak story, Steve," Silversmith said.
"But it was a true one, and I figured the students deserved to know how dark things can potentially get, at the worst."
We were walking towards Moorcock Hall, which was the largest building on campus, holding the campus's largest auditorium, a room which could hold a little over two hundred people, which was where visiting lecturers were brought to talk to a sizable number of students all at once. I didn't notice any students heading into the hall, so I guessed they were all there waiting for me to arrive.
"Well, hopefully that won't drive anyone away tonight," Silversmith said, leading me into the building. "Now, regardless of how things go tonight, I'm hoping you won't hold it against me."
"Hold it against you?" I asked. "What are you talking about?"
As we entered the lecture hall, I noticed it wasn't full - in fact the hall only held about a quarter of the number of people it could, and they were divided into 4 sections, and there were numbers in front of them. I probably should've been thinking more about the fact that every single one of the seats that was occupied had an absolutely beautiful woman sitting in it.
I glanced over at the podium and saw another familiar face, and felt my heart drop in my chest, realizing that I wasn't here to give a lecture after all.
"Oh no," I whispered beneath my breath.
"April Fool's!" Jonas Silversmith said with a confident laugh that was far more terrifying than anything else I'd ever heard come from him. "I know we told you that you were here to give a lecture, but you're actually here to receive an award."
"An award?" I said, turning to look at him. "Then... why is
she
here?"
