I can't get the eyes right. It doesn't matter how hard I try to think, how clearly I can see him in my head, when I try to imagine Benji, it just isn't him, and it's making me sad. I'm not proud, so I'll admit it. Benji is smarter than me. So my mind can't picture Benji as he really is. Anything I imagine him doing is just that- my imagination. I'll never be able to get his intricacies, the complex way his brain works, and looking at this cheap replica across from me, just makes me sad.
"You're not Benji."
Not-Benji started to speak but froze, his mouth open. I froze, so Benji froze.
How am I supposed to know what you would say?
In all the years I'd known him, long before we ever started dating, he constantly had the ability to surprise me. I'd ask a simple question, and he'd never quite say what I expected. Almost always though, he knew how to saw the words that could make me smile.
The two of us had barely been dating for a week when I wanted to end things. I felt like I was always nervous around him, terrified of what he must think of me. I was absolutely certain I was boring the daylights out of him. It didn't matter that his eyes were always sparkling, his smile always so effortless, he was too good, and I felt like I was the only one who knew it.
He laughed in my face.
Not because I wanted to end things, but because of why. "Too good?" he cackled, his perfectly trimmed beard bobbing with every breath, "You're the most intoxicating, enigmatic woman I've ever laid eyes on. Every single morning I wake up excited to see you."
It felt like he always knew what to say. And for the first time, in a long time, I felt like he actually liked me. Not my money or my followers, he didn't care about that at all.
Which is why it SO FRUSTRATING that I can't bring him back. Wouldn't you think that if I imagine him as perfect than I'd get something pretty damn great?
But no,
I thought again,
You're not Benji.
This person hadn't stood by me when the hate came. Being as forward facing as I was, I got my share of death threats, swattings, ddos attacks. More than once I'd been a laughingstock just because I didn't know something basic, like how to pronounce chameleon on stream. I'd been clipped and passed around, stalked and harassed, but Benji never left my side. He's the one that stood up to people, told them to knock it off. He's the one that met my stalker on the porch, and calmly forced him away, 9-1-1 dialed and ready.
When I dropped out of college, I heard ridicule from every side of my family. My dad called me a letdown. I overheard my cousin call me a worthless whore. People called me an idiot, and told me I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. Even worse, some suggested, I only dropped out because I was too stupid to finish my degree.
Benji was there for that.
He let me live with him. Cuddled me whenever I cried. Whenever I had a technical issue he sat with me and worked through it, always taking the time to be there for me.
It never even occurred to me to cheat in here.
I saw what the others were doing basically instantly. Natalie was running off with all the guys she'd never been able to pull in real life. Dan and Brynlee were living out their wildest sexual fantasies, but I had the guy of my dreams waiting for me back home. Sure, they made fun of me when I was just making tall mountains, or trying to imagine a cruise ship that could fly, but that's the only reason I was here.
It didn't matter what Dan said, those snide comments I always heard about what an airhead I am, I always just pictured Benji, and those comments bounced right off.
That's when I first got the idea.
I pictured Benji.
And there he was.
He wasn't perfect of course. I don't know how to make him like that. At first I just wanted someone to talk to, be able to listen to Benji's advise, but the computer wasn't him. Even when he spoke with my voice, that wasn't him either.
I wanted him to just go away. Leave me be until this whole thing was over. But then we got stuck.
And the three days we were supposed to be here became a week.
Then a month.
Then a year.
I'd been here, living out my wildest dreams for more than a year before I just couldn't take it anymore. I was trapped, and I felt like I was the only person that actually cared about that.
Sure, Brynlee said she did, but she got herself into a happy little routine, running off with guys, living her wildest dreams.
But I was alone.
The longer it went on, the less I could picture Benji. I hadn't seen his face in so long, and the version I kept seeing just morphed my thoughts. I was a long way from the eyes being off. Now, the Benji had a crooked nose, lips that were a little too full. His teeth had turned perfectly straight at some point, and his hair wasn't quite so curly. I think this version turned paler too, but I can't really remember. That's the whole point. I can't really remember what Benji looked like.
I was laying in bed, not-Benji at my side, and I just wanted to scream. The whole world was infinite. I could literally do whatever I wanted, but I felt all the weight of that infinite world on my shoulders. I was a bubble that was about to burst, and no amount of screaming could fix it.
It'd been more than a year since I'd lay with Benji.
We were supposed to be married by now, with our own little family, saving up for retirement, a vacation every month. I'd wake up every morning and see his beard, his toothy smile, not this husk.
Loneliness does strange things to a person. Three hundred and seventy four days. That's how long it took before I gave in. Benji was a distant memory, and I'd gone through all the stages of grief. He was still waiting for me out there in the real world. A day probably hadn't even passed for him, but to me, I'd gone through a breakup. I'd been ghosted by the guy I'd known for five years, and I'd finally started to move on.
