The Dream

This 4 parter was originally rejected because it was under 750 words and it also needed to be developed. My original now forms one section of Part 3.

It now deals in great detail the importance of the dream and its consequences. I have enhanced my knowledge of "Freudian counselling" and "asexuality" with many "google" searches. I hope that this adds to your feeling for Sheila as she comes to terms with her moral and sexual problems.

This part is "Non-Erotic", as is part 4. However, because of the nature of the dream I have split it into 2 parts. Part 2 will be categorised as "BDSM" and Part 3 as "Loving Wives".

Those who dislike, or are offended by, sadomasochistic acts should avoid Part 2.

I have striven to make Part 3 and the conclusion still make sense, without needing to know what happens in Part 2.

The Story Begins

I am Sheila, a 25 year old, unmarried, asexual, professional counsellor. I work with 3 other counsellors in a Counselling Support Group (CSG) on behalf of a national charity in a London suburb.

But I am finding life very hard at the moment. You see, I have a big moral problem which is interfering with my work and homelife. I am in love with a married man. Let's call him John. I see him socially and we get on well. If he wasn't married, I am certain we would be partners.

More On Asexuality

There are many types of asexual people. I am an "a-romantic". I experience little or no romantic attraction. I am content with close friendships and other non-romantic relationships. I do not experience sexual attraction to anyone with this one exception. I want a steady "only a little or no sex" relationship with John.

That makes me a grey-a-romantic. My desire for John is the first and only time l have "gone grey". Other than John I have never "fancied" a man or woman or a trans person.

I don't recall when friendship became a close friendship. But one day, June 4 2018, John was crying. Naturally, and a close friend I asked what the matter was. He confessed to having marital problems. I held John to comfort him as he burst into tears once again.

John is, as far as I can tell, a "demisexual". He experienced sexual attraction only after forming a strong emotional connection with a woman, lets call her Janet. They had a long friendship, a short period of being engaged and. probably, an overhasty marriage.

Anyway, John made Janet his wife. Janet appears to have no emotional connection with him. I suspect that Janet never loved John. I suspect that she only married the man I love for his money.

John stands to inherit the family business which is very profitable. In the meantime he has a large salary as CEO of the firm. John's father, who gave up being the CEO, gives John valuable advice. But, at his advanced years, and various illnesses, he isn't up to running the family enterprise full time.

Janet certainly doesn't show any evidence that she loves John nowadays. I suspect that Janet started cuckolding John shortly into their marriage. Janet's extra-marital sex life indicates she is not asexual. In popular parlance, Janet is "a randy bitch who gives her wares to any stranger".

But on June 4 2018, I didn't know about Janet's history of adultery or that John was asexual. I only knew 3 things. Janet frequently made disparaging comments about John. They had unspecified "problems in the bedroom" and, most importantly, that I loved John and therefore I hated Janet.

That hatred was to come to dominate my dream, That dream made me determined to take a fateful, life changing, decision. The dream in which Janet is punished for her adulterous behaviour and true love triumphs. But it is not just the dream but my subsequent actions that I describe later.

For it is not true that "life is but a dream". Life is "bloody, brutal and short".

My Work

We 4 counsellors supplement the overworked, full time Primary Carers (PCs) and their unpaid, part time Volunteer Care Teams (VCTs). The PCs and VCTs are the first port of call for those in need. They refer the more difficult cases to us.

My "Counselling Commandments"

The other counsellors joke that my only religion is Freud. My 5 Commandments are

You must get

1) to know the Unconscious Mind

2) to the true Personality by resolving the ego, the id and the superego

3) the Life Instinct to overcome the Death Instinct

4) to reach the height of Psychosexual development; and

5) to overcome the displacement, repression, sublimation, and regression Mechanisms Of Defence.

My Last Client

Our CSG team has a lot of different "Presenting Problems". Take, for instance, my last client. His "Presenting Problem" was that he stole used ladies underwear. He was in his mid 30s and had only started this behaviour in the last year. He was ashamed of his "perversion" and of the fear that he would be caught and everyone would discover his secret shame.

Issue 1 - Liking Women's Soiled Panties.

He liked the idea of wearing garments which had been near to a ladies most intimate part. This is not a "perversion" in the clinical sense. After a few sessions he came to understand that vaginal fluids are a reminder of the nature of human birth,

During our sessions he discovered that used panties were sold. Indeed, some health campaigners advised prostitutes to sell used panties rather than their bodies. My client and I discussed whether buying the used panties would satisfy his need.

He thought it would. So he went online and placed an order. He saw a picture of the woman wearing the panties that he would receive. This added to my client's sexual satisfaction, since he "knew" the owner.

Issue 2 - Wearing Women's Clothing

The "Presenting Problem" was my client liking women's soiled panties. But most often the true problem is not the "Presenting Problem".

In this case, my client liked wearing other items of female clothing. As A Freudian I recognised this as "regression" to a mother-child relationship. Wearing women's clothes is a link to a past where all mothers are dominant in providing for children's needs.

Studies suggest that women turn into their mothers at the age of 33, while men become their fathers when they're 34. My client's attachment was strongly towards the female since his mother was a widow.

The bra represents the nipples used for nourishment. The rejection of the bra signified that he wanted to be free from his mother's support. The wearing of women's clothes showed he was not totally free of a dominant woman's control.

It's Normal For People Of Your Age

My client had to realise that this was a pyscho-sexual stage that happened to people in their 30s. We explored the "Oscar Wilde witticism,"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his."

From this Wilde discussion he came to his own conclusion that "and it is a greater tragedy that the choice is thought necessary."

He became a cross dresser in the privacy of his own home. He realised that cross dressers are real men. Armed with the knowledge that this was "normal" he felt no shame.

Issue 3 - Stealing

In this case, my client had an irrestible urge to steal and that wasn't just panties. He was deeply into stealing. He stole things which he didn't need. He often threw the items away.

Now our team is not equipped to deal with serious conditions like Kleptomania. There is no AA for UK shoplifters, though there is the pioneering "Shulman Center for Compulsive Theft, Spending, and Hoarding" in Michigan.

As the Schulam Center says, "Kleptomaniacs can't just stop without support. Treatment takes a long time; there are no quick fixes. People with kleptomania are typically completely upstanding and honest in all other areas of their lives: they usually hold good jobs, go to church or are religious, and are well-respected in their communities."

Quote ends.

His treatment would probably need to include intense therapies & medication. The hope is that research into dopamine may help better regulate Kleptomania.

I also had to terminate our counselling sessions.

Pareto Rules Okay?

The Pareto Rule says "80% of a counsellor's efforts are used to help 20% of its clients". It is one of the most annoying parts of the job when you have to tell a client that the treatment must end and you know they have a serious unresolved issue.

But, it is also unfair to other clients, many of whom I can actually help, to make them wait for me to cure an "incurable".

My Reaction

It was very difficult to tell my client that his sessions must end. I know that we are ill equipped even for the "common or garden" Presenting Problems. I feel that I have let down my clients when this happens. The counsellor's mission is to make a person whole.

I feel very low in spirits when I can not take on the more complex cases.

I'm Not Coping Very Well

This is made worse because I am in love with John. During the sessions my mind wanders. I think of John and what things I can do to free him from Janet. But there is a major professional reason why I can not tell John that I love him. It is called "client confidentiality".

If I use the information I have gained in a therapy session I will lose my certificate status. And if I don't use it then the man that I love will be hurt unnecessarily. If I use the confidential information I may well have my "Mr Right".

The absolute worst would be to use the confidential information and John doesn't become my partner.

My Personal Stress

Counsellors have a very stressful life with high "burnout" rates and many have poor self-care routines. Our team has a self-care awareness strategy. We complete a self-awareness questionnaire a day before a weekly group therapy meeting. The questionnaire is based on the Herbert Freudenberger Burnout Scale. We self-report on the 3 three main "burnout" symptoms.

My recently completed self-awareness questionnaire was worrying. I am often exhausted and lack energy. I worry that my job is more stressful and frustrating than a year ago. I don't feel that I have the detachment necessary to help my clients. In particular, I find it hard to concentrate on their problems. I ask my clients unnecessary questions".

We have a section in the Herbert Freudenberger Burnout assessment called "Your

Main Problem At The Moment".

I wrote "I am in love with a married man. I have confidential information, gained from one of my clients in a counselling session, about the married man's wife. The wife of my "Mr Right" has sexual relations with my client unbeknown to the man I love.

According to my client Mr Right's wife is a serial adulteress. She tells people some very personal details which demean her spouse.

I know Mr Right will divorce his adulterous wife IF I disclose this confidential information to him. Mr Right isn't my client, so I am free to date him and eventually marry him.

Being unable to tell him that his wife has slept with at least 2 other men is slowly killing me".

I concluded with "I don't think I am cut out for my role in our team. I am seriously thinking of quitting."

Cause For Concern

My love for John is impacting my health and potentially my career. I self-rated my "burnout score" as "High". This "Herbert Freudenberger Burnout Scale" rating indicates that I am a candidate for depression, alcoholism and other associated self-harming practices.

This is worrying since the caring professions have a high suicide rate. Perhaps that is another reason why the Primary Carers and the Volunteer Care Teams "sub-contracted" part of their caring mission to us. It may literally be saving their lives.

The Morality Of Telling Tales Out Of School

To the armchair moralists, there is no problem to be resolved. There are ethical reasons why I can not divulge confidential information. The essence of treatment is that the client knows what is said will not be repeated. Hence it is unethical to breach my duty to my client.

Breaching confidentiality will also bring shame on the Counselling Support Group. the reputations of the other 3 counsellors will be tarnished. The national charity's reputation would also be affected. They may close down our CSG and give the contract elsewhere. Even worse, they may close down the whole enterprise. This would entail full time PCs losing their jobs and VCTs no longer able to help a part of society that dearly needs their help.

Answering The Armchair Moralists

In response I quote "Nietzche's "madman" speech. It is an excellent piece of writing saying what is now commonplace. We have to make up our own morality even though that morality could lead to social decay.

With his devotion to creating, and living by, his own rules Nietzche went mad. I am thinking of creating my own rule. I am thinking that I have a higher duty to John than to a fixed and immutable rule.

I reason that I am not harming the client who gave me the information about Janet.

I am helping a man in desperate need of a fellow asexual. To mix up my philosophers, the "greatest happiness of the greatest number" is achieved by me telling John what Janet has done and what she has revealed about him to other people.

If I create my own rule, I will join Nietzche in insanity. If I follow the armchair moralist I will go mad anyway. I am in a "lose-lose" situation.

Insight Into My State Of Mind

This Nietzche diversion is typical of my lack of concentration. You don't want me to explain "ad nauseum" the significance of the dream.

But perhaps I don't want to be open and honest about the dream. Perhaps my self-censorship stops me from telling you my innermost desires. As a Freudian counsellor I am no less subject to the displacements, repressions, sublimations, and regressions that make up everyone's "Mechanisms Of Defence".

The dream will strip away "the thin veneer of civilisation". It will expose a baseness that is totally inconsistent with my CSG counsellor status. Frankly, I am horrified by showing a woman that hates someone so much.

One Last Diversion

I recall a Handel v Bach CSG discussion. I consider Handel's Messiah to be the greatest piece of music ever written, even though I am a sceptic on religious matters.

In fact, I consider Handel to be THE greatest composer who ever drew breath. In my humble opinion. Bach's religious works are the most tedious pieces ever made. Another counsellor took a contrary musical opinion. He prefers Bach to Handel.

He asked me "What did Bach say when he first saw Handel?"

I replied "I don't know.",

I expected some profound insight.

My colleague said "I see the pretzel delivery boy has arrived."

In Part 2 the real me is there for all to see. It is not nice. But then neither is life itself.