Tales From the Guilds

Rosemary Palm looked at the application form and then up at the applicant. The young woman was certainly comely in a slender, aristocratic way but it was that last adjective which disturbed her. Lady Brandywine looked aristocratic because she really

was

an aristocrat, a cadet member of one of Ankh-Morpork's oldest, richest and most renowned families. So what was she doing applying to join the Guild of (Ahem) Seamstresses?

"Well, everything is certainly in order," began the Guildmistress, "as far as it goes. But I am forced to ask, 'why'? Why is a young woman of your social standing putting in to become a professional in negotiable affection?"

Brandy wrinkled her pretty nose mischievously. "I could come up with all sorts of supposed reasons, I guess, but rather than lie to you may I just say that the primary motivation is—boredom!" The mischief disappeared to be replaced with determination. "I'm done with all the tittering gossip, the fatuous suitors, the pointless parties—just the entire upper class social world! The women in my family are all

effectively

whores, sleeping with the men who can shower them in jewels and keep them in high style, but to the last one, they deny it. I figure instead of putting my body up for sale at a debutante ball, I'll just rent it out. That way I spend

my

own money the way

I

want instead of doing like my mother and aunts, wheedling spending money out of their husbands.

That's

why."

Rosie blinked in surprise. So forthright an answer was unexpected at the very least. But, in strange sort of way, it was refreshing. 'Self-knowledge is the beginning of self-knowledge' Ly Tin Wheedle had written centuries ago but most of her fellow citizens would rather gawk than meditate.

"Oh. That does make sense so I guess we'll just sign you up. Does anyone in your family have any idea what you're doing?"

Brandy sniffed. "Only my younger brother, the gay one. Everyone else thinks I'm taking off for the Grand Sneer and expects me to be gone around the Circle Sea for months and then pop back into view. By the time they sober up enough to wonder where I've really gotten off to, they'll have forgotten what I look like. I took the liberty of pulling out enough money to 'travel luxuriously' so I can just disappear in comfort."

"Hmm, well as I'm sure you know we don't run a school like most of the other guilds so my next question is, 'how much experience do you have?' We don't just jump into bed with the gentleman and lie there, you know."

"I'm not a virgin, if that's what you're asking," Brandy replied, "but I can't claim to having a whole stable of lovers."

"Ah," Rosie responded, "then may I suggest that we assign you to younger clients? Older gentlemen tend to have rather, shall we say, more sophisticated desires? The young ones tend more towards the enthusiastic than to the refined."

Brandy lit up in a blazing smile. "Oh, if it's enthusiasm a man wants, I'm his woman! The real reason I decided to come to the Seamstresses instead of, say, the Assassins is that sex is wonderful fun and I couldn't imagine anything I'd rather be doing all day. Dancing? Needlepoint? Conniving? Forget those; I'd rather bonk."

Rosie smiled and made a note. "I can see that you've thought about this well and foresee a great and profitable career, Lady Brandywine. Welcome to the Seamstresses."

*****

"Young Milord Cedric, dear man!" Rosie gushed, "It's so good to see you back. How is the 'jewelry business' doing? Do sit down and have a glass of wine. I do want to know everything you've been up to."

Cedric Llewellyn, Lord Sto Kennet, and now pride of the Thieves' Guild 'Gentleman Burglar and Jewel Thieves' branch, handed the Guildmistress his obligatory derby hat and let her remove his coat. Taking the proffered glass, he settled down into a comfortable arm chair, took a sip, smacked his lips and smiled.

"Very well, indeed, thank-you for asking. After word got around about Arumfer Lavish's bad judgement, all the city's wealthy immediately updated their guild fees. Naturally, I got an additional commission on the sudden influx so life is quite good. By the way, this is an excellent vintage."

"I'm so glad you like it. It came to us from Quirm on the rail with a notice that it needed to be cellared for at least two years. We put it down and forgot about it until now. Isn't the bouquet marvelous?"

"It is, and the flavor is quite complex. But be careful, if you pour me too many I may forget why I'm here!"

Rosie smiled appreciatively. "And on that subject, let me introduce our newest young lady. Brandy came to us just this week because she considers her alternate future stultifying and unbearable. She thinks life in a house of negotiable affection will offer her far more amusement and excitement than she would otherwise have had. Does she sound attractive?"

"Oh, quite. Are you at liberty to tell me what her 'alternate future' would have been?"

"No, milord, that is privileged information. If she chooses to tell you, she may, but it would be unethical for me to say anything. After all, as we guard your privacy in regards your visits to us, we can only do the same for our young ladies."

"Then," the young man replied politely, "I shall forbear from further enquiries. But by all means, let me make her acquaintance."

*****

Had Cedric known of Brandy's initial interview he would have agreed fully with her self-assessment. Her enthusiasm was wonderful and as the couple lay entwined in the afterglow he murmured, "Brandy, darling, I simply must get into your date book. With your permission I would like to schedule this at least weekly. You are superb."

Brandy smiled and nibbled his muttonchops. "You're pretty good, yourself. If you're as good at getting into locked safes as you are getting into me, I can see why you're so well-regarded in the Thieves' Guild. But, if you don't mind, just how did you end up there? Most of the nobs in this city get educated at the Assassins' Guild. What took you to the Thieves?"

"Poverty. That and a complete distaste for violence. Between squandering much of our assets on swamp dragons and having the rest stolen by the that bastard Reacher Guilt, by the time my parents met their untimely demise, I was left essentially penniless. Fortunately, my aunt Theolonia had recently been informed that the Assassins and the Thieves had come to an arrangement where certain students at the Thieves' Guild School could be trained into a life of discrete crime in keeping with their social stratum. It just turned out to be a perfect match. Do you mind my asking how you ended up with Mrs. Palm?"

"Not at all," Brandy replied as she rolled up onto her knees and stretched, "I've been told that every family has its rebel and I suppose I'm ours. The more Mum tried to push me into her mold the harder I fought until I just concocted a story that would have me out of sight for a few months and left. Her hopes for a 'suitable' marriage always seemed to include a pencil mustache and an equine laugh." She leaned down and kissed Cedric on the tip of the nose. "I feel that if a man is going to grow whiskers, he should do a good job of it. Yours are really cute. And I'd be delighted to make this a weekly occurrence. Just tell Mrs. Palm what days you want to come visit and I'll make sure to keep them open."

*****

Tensions in Tump House at the Assassins' Guild school were still high but under Miss Alice Band's withering glare all activity ceased.

"Adolfa, just what is this all about?"

'This' was a thoroughly wrecked dormitory room and a four angry teenagers.

"Sidonia rubbed my belly when I was taking a nap. She called me 'Good puppy'."

Miss Band turned her fierce gaze toward Sidonia Rust who was fighting back angry tears. "And just how was that appropriate?" the proctor demanded.

"She was in wolf form," Sidonia wailed, "and she looked so cute. It was just a pat. How was I to know she'd go Librarian poo? She didn't even give me time to apologize!"

Miss Band sighed. It was the Law of Untended Results. When she agreed to accept Adolfa Von Überwald into her residence house she thought that having a young werewolf would appeal to the other girls. It would, she thought, be endearing to having a golden puppy around for a few days each month. What she forgot was the possibility that said werewolf cub might not appreciate being thought cute and endearing. And, that it turned out, was exactly the case. Adolfa had made it quite clear that she was no one's puppy, that she had an aristocratic pedigree that far predated any of her housemates and that she did not intend to be patronized by anyone!

If something wasn't done to defuse the situation, she feared, either Adolfa would get carried away or the other girls would melt down some of their Sterling jewelry and start casting stilettos. While internecine violence between students was far from unheard of (it was a school for Assassins, after all) having Adolfa end up inhumed would have political repercussions she didn't want to think about.

"As I recall, when Adolfa enrolled here, she made it quite clear that she was not going to be the House mascot or anyone's pet. I realize that at your age, with hormones not completely under control, a young blond, furry animal brings out your maternal urges. Don't encourage them! It is very fortunate that Adolfa Changed before she started screaming and pulling hair. Had she stayed in wolf shape . . .?

The other girls looked askance at Adolfa who glowered in response. Yes, if she'd stayed in wolf shape the disarrayed room might have been thickly spattered in blood. Their eyes narrowed.

"And as for you, young Lady Von Überwald, let me remind you that self-control is one of an Assassin's foremost requirements. Yes, you are amazingly tough and deadly. However, you are also outnumbered and all it takes is one silver dagger and Lord Downy will have some very serious explaining to do. Now, do I need to call in your Aunt Angua for a conference?"

Adolfa paled. If there was one person in all of Ankh-Morpork she feared it was her aunt, Captain of the Watch and highest ranking Undead in the city. Very slowly she shook her head. No, there was no need to call in Auntie Angua, absolutely none. The girl swallowed deeply and then stuck out a hesitant hand.

"I—I'm sorry, Sidonia. I overreacted. Friends?"

Sidonia looked up at Miss Band for encouragement and got a nod in response. With a sigh of relief, she took Adolfa's hand and shook it.

"And I'm sorry I patronized you," she said, "You were sleeping on your back and you just . . ."

Adolfa smiled, shamefaced. "I—I guess I still have a lot of adapting to do to human society."

With the visible reduction in tension, Miss Band relaxed and then snapped commands that soon had the room restored to neat order. Afterwards she marched her charges off to dinner. That evening, she gave the incident some thought and then decided that reporting it to the Headmaster was probably not advisable. However, slipping a word to Captain Angua probably was.

*****

Und zo, my dear Lady, it appears zat ze young werewolfling has managed to get tsroo her firzt year of schoolink vizout any undue incident or unnecessary sheddink of ze b-vord. She has efen managed, it zeems, to haf acqvired friends vizzin ze House she lifs in, und zum esteem amongzt her fellow students for her skill in nocturnal operations. (Zis last, of course, iz no zurprise und ve vould not egspect ozzerwise.) Naturally, Captain Angua keeps a close, clandestine eye on zer girl. My estimation is zat she vill become an esteemed member of zer Guild and become a shinink egzample to ozzers of her kind. Your egsperiment is proving, zuss far, to be a complete zuccess. As usual, I am in awe of your shrewdness.

Vith great respect,

Otto Criek

Agent und humble iconographer

Margolotta smiled to herself at the decoded clacks. Of course she had spies in Ankh-Morpork, just as she had them everywhere. It was, after all, an important aspect of diplomacy and one that she shared with the Low Queen, the Patrician, Dr. Whiteface, Master of the Fools' Guild and other leaders. And having spies telling her all manner of gossip and news allowed her to make long-term plans for integrating the Undead into the general society of the Disc. Meeting dear Havelock on his tour of the cities and lands of the Circle Sea had been an eye-opener. It really was a pity that he was mortal and seemed insistent on staying that way. His city would benefit from having an undying ruler with intelligence. Given the dreadful behavior of some of his predecessors, perhaps she might use the benefits to his beloved city as an argument for 'conversion'. She was sure he would be delicious.

*****

Mr. Bent smiled his best bankerly smile at Cedric Llewellyn and clasped his hands in front of him. "Much as we appreciate your increasing balance, milord, I am duty bound to suggest that you really must consider diversifying your portfolio. It doesn't do to have all one's eggs in a single basket, as the saying goes. Have you given any thought at all to other investments?"

The young man wrinkled his brow. "No, no I haven't. It's been so wonderful having money to spend and time to enjoy it that I really haven't given any thought to making more. I mean, my income is very comfortable."

Mr. Bent sighed. He, too, had once been quite content to live within his means, devoting himself to seeing that the Royal Bank of Ankh-Morpork was kept on what he wanted to believe was a sound financial footing. Then Moist von Lipwig had appeared on the scene and upset everything. The result was that the Royal Bank was turned from a cash cow for the Lavishes into a real engine for commerce and Mr. Bent found himself a married man. And now he was, to his amazement, a father twice over with a growing belief that providing for one's posterity was important.

"Milord Cedric, you are still young and unmarried. But given your rising status in the Thieves' Guild and your, quite frankly, high glamour rating among the society ladies, that last is unlikely to be a permanent condition. And marriage leads to families and families need to be provided for. While you can live quite comfortably on your current income, two really cannot live as cheaply as one. And more than two? Impossible. Now, what interests do you have that might attract your desire to invest?"

Cedric blushed hotly. His current interests mostly revolved around Brandy and Mrs. Palm's Palace of Negotiable Affection. And yet, that was an attractive idea. Brandy had run away from home with a comfortable wad of cash and upon taking up her current position as a (Ahem!) Seamstress, had added to it. She was quite definite that her goal was to have her own House.

"Um—well—um, maybe I do have something in mind. Is—is it possible to start a—a chain of houses of negotiable affection? I mean, they seem to do a great trade and must be quite profitable. And two would be more profitable than one. I—I'm already considered a bit of a rogue, I've been told, and don't have any respectability to uphold."

Mr. Bent winked. "So long as you don't keep your young ladies away from their 'labors' I should think that would be an excellent idea. I presume you have a madam in mind?"

Cedric blushed even redder. "I might. Let me discuss it with her—and Mrs. Palm, of course."

*****

Lord Vetinari had never shown any personal interest in negotiable affection whatsoever, but any business enterprise that increased the flow of money in the city (and paid its taxes) was sure to get his approval. And since Guildmistress Palm approved of the business model of Lady Brandywine's Erotiporia and since Lord Sto Kennet had the financial backing to get them off to a good start he saw no reason to interfere.

He looked up at Drumknott who was neatening up the in and out boxes and gave a instant's thought to enquiring whether his devoted clerk might have any interest in making a visit to see what they might be like. No, not Drumknott. It would be just too cruel to the poor fellow.