Author's note: This is a work of fiction. All characters are eighteen years or older. This story features anal sex, so be warned in case that's not your cup of tea. Consider this just a silly, smutty parody of a few fantasy cliches. Don't expect epic tones or anything even vaguely resembling seriousness and you won't be disappointed when you don't find them! Enjoy!
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Solemn and armor-clad, Aldarius Van Holt sat proudly astride his noble destrier, staring straight ahead, riding into the glorious future. The shiny, finely decorated yet strictly ornamental buckler he wore on his left arm marked him as a paladin of the Order of the Golden Shield, while the delicate bejeweled mace hanging by his side, obviously useless in any sort of real combat situation, indicated that he was a healer rather than a fighter, a holy crusader whose mending powers came from the benevolent deities of Light.
Dogmatically certain that the sacred symbols emblazoned on his silvery-white armor were a good enough reason to keep wearing the blessed plates despite the scorching sun beating down on him, Aldarius carried the stifling, unwieldy metal encasing him from head to toe with pious stoicism. Enduring that searing heat and crushing weight was just another test of his boundless conviction, and he was determined not to fail. With a heart full of righteousness and the Gods of Light guarding his path, the paladin was certain that nothing but success in his quest awaited him.
"What a pathetic clown..." Jadrik spat as he once again looked disgustedly at the knight leading their party down the dusty, sun-baked country road. "Just look at him! How can anyone be so full of shit?!" the warlock insisted before exhaling and slumping in his saddle. Sulkily, he pulled the hood of his black robes down on his thin face and tried once more to fall asleep while riding his horse, failing yet again.
"Bah!" Uli grumbled beside Jadrik, swatting a fly buzzing around his mule's neck. "He's just daft in the head, that's what he is. I'm telling ye, lad," the dwarf chuckled, "he's gotta be just about roasted inside that shiny armor of his by now. No serious warrior with a wee bit of sense in his skull would ever wear full plate gear out of combat on a fine summer day like this one!"
To stress his point, the massively muscled dwarf pointed at the reinforced leather kilt and unbuttoned buckskin vest he had on, complemented by the gigantic battle axe strapped to his back.
"Then again, he's just a human after all," Uli added, running his stubby fingers along one then the other of the two majestic swinging braids of his fiery red beard. "Daftness is kind of a racial trait for yer people, lad," he sagely concluded, "ye just gotta expect it to surface here and there."
Ignoring Uli's comments, too immersed in his own hostility toward the paladin, Jadrik musingly went on. "I just can't fathom what Shay sees in him anyway..."
"Not that much, apparently!" Uli guffawed as he pointed forward at Shayla.
Sitting her horse elegantly and with practiced confidence, wearing a short azure tunic and tight-fitting black pants tucked into her knee-high riding boots, the wizardess was proceeding beside her paladin fiance, shaking her head and yelling at him. She was arguing with him for the thousandth time and still she was failing to convince Aldarius to remove at least his helm before he succumbed to sunstroke and broke his neck falling off his horse.
The full and cumbersome headgear that the holy knight was wearing prevented his words from being intelligible for Jadrik and Uli, but they were both confident that the paladin must be babbling something about morality and duty and other very noble and thoroughly unpractical abstractions of that sort.
Being a young woman of fiery temperament and a seasoned adventurer who was actually giving a first-timer a few useful tips, Shayla was barely able to contain her ire at Aldarius's reiterated dismissal of her suggestions. Letting him trot ahead under the blazing sun, the wizardess halted her horse and waited for Jadrik and Uli to reach her, all the while shaking her head and making her jet black ponytail sway side by side as she mumbled angrily under her breath.
"You know, Uli," Jadrik said, unable to hide a grin, as he watched Shayla glare daggers at her armor-clad fiance, "even if we've been on the road for just two days, I'd say that the chances of that idiot getting fireballed by his own betrothed are increasing very rapidly."
"Aye, and he's way too daft to even notice," Uli agreed.
Crossing his massive arms on his barrel-like chest, the dwarf pondered over Jadrik's not-so-hidden agenda about somehow seeing Shayla's boyfriend dead one way or another before their quest was done. In truth though, the more Uli got to know Aldarius, the clearer it became that murder was completely unnecessary: unless the paladin wised up quickly, he would end up getting himself killed all on his own soon enough.
"The way I see it," Uli mumbled out loud, "once we leave the road and get into the woods, he's gonna fall on a rusty goblin sword and die, just like that. Classic end of an idiot, slain by the first pack of scrawny greenskins he runs into. Ye mark my words, lad."
"I can live with that," Jadrik conceded, "as long as he dies, I'm happy. Still," he went on, getting serious, "I think you should start getting acquainted with the idea of chopping his head off on the quiet, just in case. I can't waste my magic on a rookie like that, it's just too undignified. Besides, Shay might get mad at me if a demon ripped Al apart in his sleep all of a sudden. I don't want to upset her now that we're getting close again. So," Jadrik reasoned, "if that sanctimonious fool's sad little Gods should keep him alive through this journey and allow him to get the information about the Chapel of Red Spires that he needs to get permission to marry Shay, well, in case all of that happens, you'll have to kill him."
"Me?!" Uli snorted, wiping the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand and tightening his topknot as he looked askance at the warlock. "I won't chop a daft rookie's head off, lad! It'd be an insult to my axe and my pride as a warrior! I could punch his dumb holy mug to a pulp, though," the dwarf added with a shrug of his broad, powerful shoulders. "Aye, that'd be all nice and proper."
"Be it as it may, the paladin must die," Jadrik briskly concluded.
The murderous scowl on the warlock's face didn't last long, turning all by itself into a sincere smile as soon as Shayla joined him and the dwarf. The wizardess's buxom boobs jiggled mouth-wateringly in time with her horse's easy pace, making Jadrik's cock stiffen in his pants.
