Author's note: This is a work of fiction. All characters are eighteen years or older. This story features anal sex, so be warned in case that's not your cup of tea. Consider this just a silly, smutty parody of a few fantasy cliches. Don't expect epic tones or anything even vaguely resembling seriousness and you won't be disappointed when you don't find them! Enjoy!
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Solemn and armor-clad, Aldarius Van Holt sat proudly astride his noble destrier, staring straight ahead, riding into the glorious future. The shiny, finely decorated yet strictly ornamental buckler he wore on his left arm marked him as a paladin of the Order of the Golden Shield, while the delicate bejeweled mace hanging by his side, obviously useless in any sort of real combat situation, indicated that he was a healer rather than a fighter, a holy crusader whose mending powers came from the benevolent deities of Light.
Dogmatically certain that the sacred symbols emblazoned on his silvery-white armor were a good enough reason to keep wearing the blessed plates despite the scorching sun beating down on him, Aldarius carried the stifling, unwieldy metal encasing him from head to toe with pious stoicism. Enduring that searing heat and crushing weight was just another test of his boundless conviction, and he was determined not to fail. With a heart full of righteousness and the Gods of Light guarding his path, the paladin was certain that nothing but success in his quest awaited him.
"What a pathetic clown..." Jadrik spat as he once again looked disgustedly at the knight leading their party down the dusty, sun-baked country road. "Just look at him! How can anyone be so full of shit?!" the warlock insisted before exhaling and slumping in his saddle. Sulkily, he pulled the hood of his black robes down on his thin face and tried once more to fall asleep while riding his horse, failing yet again.
"Bah!" Uli grumbled beside Jadrik, swatting a fly buzzing around his mule's neck. "He's just daft in the head, that's what he is. I'm telling ye, lad," the dwarf chuckled, "he's gotta be just about roasted inside that shiny armor of his by now. No serious warrior with a wee bit of sense in his skull would ever wear full plate gear out of combat on a fine summer day like this one!"
To stress his point, the massively muscled dwarf pointed at the reinforced leather kilt and unbuttoned buckskin vest he had on, complemented by the gigantic battle axe strapped to his back.
"Then again, he's just a human after all," Uli added, running his stubby fingers along one then the other of the two majestic swinging braids of his fiery red beard. "Daftness is kind of a racial trait for yer people, lad," he sagely concluded, "ye just gotta expect it to surface here and there."
Ignoring Uli's comments, too immersed in his own hostility toward the paladin, Jadrik musingly went on. "I just can't fathom what Shay sees in him anyway..."
"Not that much, apparently!" Uli guffawed as he pointed forward at Shayla.
Sitting her horse elegantly and with practiced confidence, wearing a short azure tunic and tight-fitting black pants tucked into her knee-high riding boots, the wizardess was proceeding beside her paladin fiance, shaking her head and yelling at him. She was arguing with him for the thousandth time and still she was failing to convince Aldarius to remove at least his helm before he succumbed to sunstroke and broke his neck falling off his horse.
The full and cumbersome headgear that the holy knight was wearing prevented his words from being intelligible for Jadrik and Uli, but they were both confident that the paladin must be babbling something about morality and duty and other very noble and thoroughly unpractical abstractions of that sort.
Being a young woman of fiery temperament and a seasoned adventurer who was actually giving a first-timer a few useful tips, Shayla was barely able to contain her ire at Aldarius's reiterated dismissal of her suggestions. Letting him trot ahead under the blazing sun, the wizardess halted her horse and waited for Jadrik and Uli to reach her, all the while shaking her head and making her jet black ponytail sway side by side as she mumbled angrily under her breath.
"You know, Uli," Jadrik said, unable to hide a grin, as he watched Shayla glare daggers at her armor-clad fiance, "even if we've been on the road for just two days, I'd say that the chances of that idiot getting fireballed by his own betrothed are increasing very rapidly."
"Aye, and he's way too daft to even notice," Uli agreed.
Crossing his massive arms on his barrel-like chest, the dwarf pondered over Jadrik's not-so-hidden agenda about somehow seeing Shayla's boyfriend dead one way or another before their quest was done. In truth though, the more Uli got to know Aldarius, the clearer it became that murder was completely unnecessary: unless the paladin wised up quickly, he would end up getting himself killed all on his own soon enough.
"The way I see it," Uli mumbled out loud, "once we leave the road and get into the woods, he's gonna fall on a rusty goblin sword and die, just like that. Classic end of an idiot, slain by the first pack of scrawny greenskins he runs into. Ye mark my words, lad."
"I can live with that," Jadrik conceded, "as long as he dies, I'm happy. Still," he went on, getting serious, "I think you should start getting acquainted with the idea of chopping his head off on the quiet, just in case. I can't waste my magic on a rookie like that, it's just too undignified. Besides, Shay might get mad at me if a demon ripped Al apart in his sleep all of a sudden. I don't want to upset her now that we're getting close again. So," Jadrik reasoned, "if that sanctimonious fool's sad little Gods should keep him alive through this journey and allow him to get the information about the Chapel of Red Spires that he needs to get permission to marry Shay, well, in case all of that happens, you'll have to kill him."
"Me?!" Uli snorted, wiping the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand and tightening his topknot as he looked askance at the warlock. "I won't chop a daft rookie's head off, lad! It'd be an insult to my axe and my pride as a warrior! I could punch his dumb holy mug to a pulp, though," the dwarf added with a shrug of his broad, powerful shoulders. "Aye, that'd be all nice and proper."
"Be it as it may, the paladin must die," Jadrik briskly concluded.
The murderous scowl on the warlock's face didn't last long, turning all by itself into a sincere smile as soon as Shayla joined him and the dwarf. The wizardess's buxom boobs jiggled mouth-wateringly in time with her horse's easy pace, making Jadrik's cock stiffen in his pants.
"Hey, my sweet slut," the warlock greeted her, holding the reins of his black stallion in one hand as he leaned toward Shayla to fondle her huge jutting tits with the other. "Looks like young Al there is throwing another tantrum, isn't he?"
After their recent sexual encounters, the wizardess couldn't help but feel a naughty thrill whenever Jadrik called her his slut. Still, even though she liked his hungry stares and relentless attentions, she didn't want to make things too easy for him, so she dodged the warlock's grabbing hand and exhaled in resignation at his question. As both Jadrik and Uli feasted their eyes on the huge amount of juicy, wobbly cleavage displayed by her low-cut tunic, the wizardess spat out her frustration at Aldarius.
"He's such a clueless rookie! I don't know if it's because he's a healer or if dumbness is a requisite to become a paladin, but he acts like the stupidest, most incompetent adventurer ever! He doesn't even want to stop at the village up ahead for the night! He says we must ride on until the horses are exhausted, then we should sleep by the side of the road again, even if there's an inn we can stay at less than an hour from here! Can you believe that?!"
"Don't ye worry lass," Uli said, reaching a beefy hand to amicably slap Shayla's bouncy bubble-butt. "I bet he's gonna pass out any minute now. Ye know, heat exhaustion and such. Then we can tie a rope around him, drag him to the inn and let him cool off in the water trough. Daft paladin," he muttered, shaking his bearded head in bafflement, "riding all day in full plate armor..."
"Yeah, it's just too hot today," Shayla agreed, unfazed by the lingering sting left by the dwarf's smack on her round meaty rump.
Since they had left the Capitol two days earlier, both Jadrik and Uli had made no effort to hide their appreciation of her body and their desire to do more than just grab her big boobs and fondle her plump ass. Surprisingly, or maybe not so much, Shayla had found herself really liking the guys' barely contained lust for her.
After their recent reunion, during which she had let the warlock fuck her in every hole while the dwarf enjoyed her mouth and tits, Shayla had been very conflicted about her sentimental situation. Specifically, she had been wondering why in the Heavens she had ever stopped adventuring and had gotten engaged, to a totally inexperienced paladin, no less. On top of that, there was the fact that Jadrik was clearly still in love with her, and she couldn't deny her own feelings for him.
The warlock was as amoral and cynical as ever, with no goals in life except finding the key to ultimate power in one forbidden grimoire or another. He was a demon-fucking sex-addicted loner and he had even started a brothel specialized in succubus whores, and yet he was the best lover Shayla had ever had. Besides, he was the one person in the world who truly, genuinely knew her and appreciated her without judgment or reservations. With him she felt free to do things she wouldn't even dream of doing with anybody else. Jadrik always understood her and accepted her, no matter what. He made her feel things she had never felt for, nor with, anyone else. For all of that, she adored him.
Deep down Shayla knew that she and Jadrik were meant to be together, even though she had spent the last three years denying that disturbing yet powerful truth by trying to be a well-adjusted magic user and a sensible young noblewoman fulfilling her social obligations within the upper echelons of Imperial society. It was relieving for her to realize that, in the last couple of days, she had truly felt like herself again after a boring, self-imposed period of hibernation. Most importantly, she could finally sense the rekindled flames of joyous desire burning deep inside her for the first time in a long while.
Even though she hadn't given in to the guys' and her own urges yet, since they had started their journey Shayla had been thinking about sex almost non-stop. It was through sheer willpower and a perverse, deliciously torturous determination to let her arousal build up as much as possible that she had resisted Jadrik's constant advances and Uli's blunt sexual offers. At that point, the wizardess felt almost ready to explode, she was so overcharged all the time. And it wasn't just about sex, either.
Jadrik's lust and love for her made Shayla feel good, Uli's gruff presence made her feel safe and being on a quest made her feel in the right place, like it had always been the case whenever the three of them were adventuring together. Too bad that the quest they were on at the moment was meant to free her fiance from his oaths to his sacred Order so that he could marry her. And, of course, too bad that she did have a fiance she was supposed to get married to in the first place.
