. 03

Back on the DS-1 Battle Station, a Royal Officer stood before Governor Tweaker and the evil Master Bater.

"Our scout ships have reached Klusterfuk. They found the remains of a Freedom Fighter base, but they estimate that it has been deserted for some time. They are conducting an extensive search of the surrounding systems."

Tweaker exploded. "She lied! The bitch lied to us!"

"I told you she would never consciously betray the Undertaking," Bater said knowingly.

*****

As the Maximus Blazer came out of hyperspace, a strange surreal light show surrounded the ship. Outside the cockpit window stars began streaking past, seemed to decrease in speed, then stop. Suddenly the ship began to shudder and violently shake. Asteroids begin to race toward them, battering the sides of the ship.

Ace was confused.

"

What the...? Aw, we've come out of hyperspace into a fuckin' meteor shower."

Lance entered the cockpit. "What's going on?"

"

Our position is correct, except... no, Lyckmiballs!"

"What do you mean? Where is it?"

"That's what I'm trying to tell you, kid. It ain't fuckin' there."

Bend moved into the cockpit behind Lance as the ship began to settle down. "Destroyed... by the Realm!"

Ace was incredulous at the old man's statement.

"

The entire star fleet couldn't destroy the whole fuckin' planet." A signal started flashing on the control panel and a muffled alarm started humming. "Shit! There's another ship coming in."

A huge explosion burst outside the cockpit window, shaking the ship violently. A tiny, finned Royal AIRE fighter raced past the cockpit window.

"It followed us!" Lance shouted.

Bend shook his head calmly. "No. It's a short range fighter."

"There aren't any bases around here. Where the fuck did it come from?" Ace asked.

"

It sure is leaving in a big hurry. If they identify us, we're in big trouble," Lance observed.

"

Not if I can help it."

"

It'd be as well to let it go. It's too far out of range," Bend suggested.

Ace shook his head and grinned. "Not for long." The Blazer zoomed away after the Royal AIRE fighter.

The tension mounted as the Blazer gained on the tiny fighter. In the distance, one of the stars became brighter until it is obvious that the AIRE ship was heading for it.

Bend stood behind Suktata. "A fighter that size couldn't get this deep into space on its own."

"

It must have gotten lost, been part of a convoy or something," Lance said.

Ace chuckled.

"

Well, he ain't going to be around long enough to tell anyone about us."

The AIRE fighter was losing ground to the larger Blazer. The distant star could be distinguished as a small moon or planet.

Lance pointed

. "

He's headed for that small moon!"

Ace focused on the fighter.

"

I think I can get him before he gets there. He's almost in range."

The small moon began to take on the appearance of something sinister.

Bend's eyes grew wide. "That's no moon! It's a space station!"

Ace shook his head. "It's too big to be a space station."

Lance shook his own head. "I have a very bad feeling about this."

Ace paused.

"

Yeah, I think you're right. Full reverse! Suktata, lock in the auxiliary power." The Blazer shuddered and the AIRE fighter accelerated away toward the gargantuan battle station. "Shit! We're caught in a tractor beam! It's pulling us in!"

"

But there's gotta be something you can do!" Lance said nervously.

"There's nothin' I can fuckin' do about it, kid. I'm in full power. I'm going to have to shut down."

As the battered Maximus Blazer was towed closer to the awesome metal moon, the immense size of the massive battle station became staggering. Running along the equator of the gigantic sphere was a mile-high band of huge docking ports into which the helpless Blazer was dragged. It was pulled in through port doors of the DS-1 Battle Station, coming to rest in a huge hangar. Thirty soldiers stood at attention in a central assembly area.

In an interior conference room, Governor Tweaker pushed a button and respondd to the intercom buzz. "Yes."

The voice on the intercom said,

"

We've captured a freighter entering the remains of the Vagina system. Its markings match those of a ship that came out of More Pussy."

"

They must be trying to return the stolen plans to the princess." Bater yanked the head of Princess Leesa out of his lap. She'd been giving him a blow job under the table during the meeting. "She may yet be of some use to us."

*****

Bater and a commander approached the troops in docking bay 2037 as an Officer and several heavily armed troops exited the spacecraft.

An officer spoke.

"

There's no one on board, sir. According to the log, the crew abandoned ship right after takeoff. It must be a decoy, sir. Several of the escape pods have been jettisoned."

"Did you find any droids?" Bater asked.

"

No, sir. If there were any on board, they must also have jettisoned."

"

Send a scanning crew on board. I want every part of this ship checked." Bater paused. "I sense something... a presence I haven't felt since..." He turned quickly and exited the hangar.

Inside the Maximus Blazer, a soldier ran through the hallway heading for the exit. In a few moments all was quiet. Two floor panels popped up revealing Ace Recker and Lance. Bend Meovernow stuck his head out of a third locker.

"

Boy, it's lucky you had these compartments," Lance panted.

Ace nodded. "I use them for smuggling. I never thought I'd be smuggling myself in 'em. We're fucked. Even if I could take off, I'd never get past the tractor beam."

"Leave that to me!" Bend said.

The soldiers carried a heavy box on board the Blazer, past the two soldiers guarding either side of the ramp. They entered the Blazer and a loud crashing sound was followed by a voice calling to the guard below.

It was Ace's voice.

"

Hey down there, could you give us a hand with this?"

The soldiers entered the ship and a quick round of gunfire could be heard.

*****

In a small command office near the entrance to the Blazer, a Gantry Officer looked out his window and noticed the guards were missing. He spoke into the comlink. "TX-412. Why aren't you at your post? TX-412, do you copy?"

A soldier came down the ramp of the Blazer and waved to the gantry officer, pointing to his ear indicating his comlink was not working. The gantry officer shook his head in disgust and headed for the door, giving his aide an annoyed look.

As the officer approached the door, it slid open and revealed the towering Suktata. The gantry officer stumbled backward. With a bone-chilling howl, the giant Nooky flattened the officer with one blow. The aide immediately reached for his pistol, but was blasted by Ace, dressed as a Royal soldier. Bend and the robots entered the room, quickly followed by Lance, also dressed as a soldier.

Bend fed some information into the computer and a map of the station appeared on the monitor. He inspected it carefully, then waved at the little droid

. "

Plug in. He should be able to interpret the entire Royal computer network."

RV2 punched his claw arm into the computer socket and the vast Royal network came to life, feeding information to the little robot. After a few moments, he beeped something.

"He says he's found the main computer to power the tractor beam," PD3 said. The computer monitor flashed readouts. "The tractor beam is coupled to the main reactor in seven locations. A power loss at one of the terminals will allow the ship to leave."

Bend studied the data on the monitor readout. "I don't think you boys can help. I must go alone."

Ace waved at him.

"

Whatever you say. I've done more that I bargained for on this trip already."

"I want to go with you," Lance pleaded.

"

Be patient, Lance. Stay and watch over the droids. They must be delivered safely or other star systems will suffer the same fate as Vagina. Your destiny lies along a different path than mine. The Source will be with you... always!"

Bend adjusted the laserblade on his belt and silently stepped out of the command office, then disappeared down a long hallway.

Ace looked at Lance. "Where'd you dig up that old fuck?"

"Bend is a great man," Lance said defiantly. Suddenly RV2 began to whistle and beep wildly. Lance went over to him. "What is it?"

PD3 raised his metallic arms.

"

I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sir. He says 'I found her', and keeps repeating, 'She's here.'"

"Well, who... who has he found?"

RV2 whistled a frantic reply.

"Princess Leesa," PD3 answered. "Level five. Detention block A A-23."

"We've got to do something!"

Ace looked at him. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"

The droid belongs to her. She's the one in the message. We've got to help her."

"

Now, look, don't get any funny fuckin' ideas. The old man wants us to wait right here."

"

But he didn't know she was here. Look, will you just find a way back into the detention block?"

Ace shook his head. "I'm not going anywhere."

"

Look, a few minutes ago you said you didn't want to just wait here to be captured. Now all you want to do is stay."

"

Marching into the fucking detention area isn't what I had in mind."

"She's rich."

Suktata growled.

"Rich?" Ace paused. "All right, kid. But you'd better be right about this." Ace looked at Suktata, who grunted a short grunt. "What's your plan?"

"

Uh... PD3, hand me those binders there will you?" Lance moved toward Suktata with electronic cuffs. "Okay. Now, I'm going to put these on you." Suktata gave a hideous growl. Lance turned to Ace. "Okay. Ace, you put these on." Lance sheepishly handed the binders to Ace.

Ace looked up into his friend's eyes.

"

Don't worry, buddy. I think I know what he has in mind." The Nooky had a worried and frightened look on his face as Ace bound him with the electronic cuffs.

Lance and Ace put on their armored soldier helmets and started off into the giant Royal DS-1 Battle Station, leaving the two droids in the control room.

Ace and Lance tried to look inconspicuous in their armored suits as they waited for an elevator to arrive. Soldiers, bureaucrats, and robots bustled about, ignoring the trio completely. Only a few give the giant Nooky a curious glance. Finally a small elevator arrived and the trio entered.

Soon, the elevator came to a halt. The door slid open and the giant Nooky and his two guards entered the old grey security station. Guards and laser gates were everywhere.

A tall, grim looking Officer approached the trio. "Where are you taking this... thing?"

"

Prisoner transfer from Block 1138," Lance answered.

"

I wasn't notified. I'll have to clear it."

The officer went back to his console and began to punch in the information. There were only three other soldiers in the area. Lance and Ace surveyed the situation, checking all of the alarms, laser gates, and camera eyes. Ace unfastened one of Suktata's electronic cuffs and shrugged to Lance.

Suddenly Suktata threw up his hands and let out one of his ear-piercing howls.

The startled guards were momentarily dumbfounded. Lance and Ace had already pulled out their laser pistols and were blasting away. Their barrage of laserfire hit the camera eyes, laser gate controls, and the Royal guards. The officer was the last of the guards to fall under the laserfire just as he was about to push the alarm system. Ace rushed to the comlink system, which was screeching questions about what is going on. He quickly checked the computer readout.

"We've got to find out which cell this princess of yours is in. Here it is... cell 2178. You go get her. I'll hold 'em here."

*****

Lance stopped in front of one of the cells and blasted the door away with a laser pistol. When the smoke cleared, he saw the dazzling young princess-senator he had seen in the hologram. She was naked and had been sleeping but was now looking at him with a confused look on her face.

"

Aren't you a little short to be a soldier?" she asked snidely.

Lance took off his helmet. "What? Oh... the uniform. Uh, yeah. I'm Lance Kuntfuker. I'm here to rescue you."

"Wait. You mean you're not a soldier looking for a blowjob? Or sex?"

Lance looked at her confused. "Uh, well, uh, no."

"Damn," she sighed

"I've got your RV unit. I'm here with O-Bend Meovernow."

"O-Bend Meovernow is here?! His cock is legendary! Where is he?"

"Come on!" She quickly threw on what was left of her torn, tattered and cum-stained robe and the two raced down the hallway.

*****

In the conference room, Master Bater paced the room as Governor Tweaker sat at the far end of the conference table.

"He is here."

"

O-Bend Meovernow?! What makes you think so?" Tweaker asked.

"

A tremor in The Source. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master."

"Surely he must be dead by now. The Crusaders are extinct. You, my friend, are all that's left of their religion."

There was a buzz on the commlink, which Tweaker answered. "Yes."

"

Governor Tweaker, we have an emergency alert in detention block A A-23!"

"

The princess! Put all sections on alert!"

"O-Bend is here. The Source is with him," Bater said ominously.

Tweaker looked at him.

"

If you're right, he must not be allowed to escape."

"

Escape is not his plan. I must face him alone."

*****

Back in the detention area hallway, an ominous buzzing sound could be heard on the other side of the elevator door.

"

Suktata, get behind me! Get behind me!" Ace yelled.

A series of explosions knocked a hole in the elevator door through which several Royal soldiers began to emerge.

Ace and Suktata fired laser pistols at them through the smoke and flames. They turned and ran down the cell hallway, meeting up with Lance and Leesa rushing toward them.

"Can't get out that way!" Ace said, pointing backwards.

Lance took a small comlink transmitter from his belt while they continued to exchange fire with soldiers making their way down the corridor.

"PD3! PD3!"

"

Yes sir?" PDS replied.

"

We've been cut off! Are there any other ways out of the cell bay?"

In the control station, PD3 paced the control center as little RV2 beeped and whistled. PD3 yelled into the small comlink transmitter.

"All systems have been alerted to your presence, sir. The main entrance seems to be the only way in or out."

Lance and Leesa crouched together in an alcove for protection as they continued to exchange fire with troops. Ace and Suktata were barely able to keep the soldiers at bay at the far end of the hallway.

"This is some rescue. When you came in here, didn't you have a plan for getting out?" Leesa's voice dripped with sarcasm. The princess grabbed Lance's gun and fired at a small grate in the wall next to Ace, just missing him.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Ace asked.

Leesa glared at him.

"

Somebody has to save our asses. Into the garbage chute, smart ass."

She jumped through the narrow opening as Ace and Suktata looked on in amazement. Suktata sniffed the garbage chute and growled.

Ace pushed his furry friend.

"

Get in there you big furry fuck! I don't care what you smell! Get in there and don't worry about it!"

Ace kicked him in the ass and the Nooky disappeared into the tiny opening. Lance and Ace continued firing while they worked their way toward the opening.

Ace smiled at Lance.

"

Wonderful girl! Great body! Either I'm going to kill her or fuck her. Get in there!"

Lance ducked laserfire as he jumped into the darkness. Ace fired off a couple of quick blast, then slid into the chute himself. He tumbled into the large room filled with garbage and muck. Lance was already stumbling around looking for an exit.

Ace glared at Leesa. "Oh! The garbage chute was a really wonderful fuckin' idea. Let's get out of here!"

"It could be worse," she replied.

Before anyone could say anything the walls began to rumble and edge inwards.

Ace looked around. "It's worse."

"

The walls are moving!" Lance announced.

"

Don't just stand there. Try to brace it with something!" Leesa commanded.

They placed poles and long metal beams between the closing walls, but they simply snapped and bent as the giant trash compactor closed in on them.

Suddenly, Lance remembered something. He pulled out his comlink. "PD3! Come in PD3!"

"Are you there, sir?" PD3 replied, still in the control room.

"

Shut down all garbage smashers on the detention level, will you? Do you copy? Shut them all down! Hurry!"

PD3 held his head in agony as he listened to the screaming from Lance's comlink while RV2 beeped and whirred. Suddenly, the walls came to a grinding halt. The screaming turned to joyous relief.

"We're all right. You did great," Lance yelled into the comlink.

Ace moved to the pressure sensitive hatch, looking for a number when Leesa noticed Lance's stares.

"Really? Are you looking at my tits right now? Really?" she said with disdain. Her white robe had become translucent and painted to her body in the wet muck.

Lance snapped to. "What?! Me? No...uh...no...of course not. I...uh..."

"C'mon, princess, give the kid a break. I mean, they're fantastic fuckin' tits. I don't blame him," Ace said as he scoured the hatch. Suktata howled in agreement.

Leesa smiled sheepishly. "Really? You think so?" as she began to massage her globes without even thinking about it.

Ignoring Leesa's reply, Ace said to Lance,

"

Hey... hey, tell that tin can to open the pressure maintenance hatch on unit number 326827."

*****

Having escaped their certain doom, Lance, Ace, Suktata, and Leesa ran down an empty hallway and stopped before a bay window overlooking the Maximus Blazer. Soldiers were milling about the ship.

Lance took out his comlink.

"

PD3, do you copy?"

"

Yes, sir. We're in the main hangar across from the ship."

"We're right above you. Stand by."

Ace watched the dozen or so soldiers move in and out of his beloved ship. Leesa moved towards him, touched his arm and pointed out the window.

"

You came in that thing? You're braver that I thought," she said.

Ace gave her a dirty look before they started off down the hallway. They rounded a corner and ran straight into twenty Royal soldiers heading toward them. Both groups were taken by surprise and stopped in their tracks.

"It's them! Blast them!" the first office yelled.

The pair fell back and were quickly joined by Lance and Suktata. Ace pulled out his pistol and fired, forcing the soldiers back. Red streaks whizzed past.

"Shit! We can't get to the ship!" Ace hollered.

Leesa grabbed his arm. "Once again, let me save our asses." Her three wanna-be saviors watched as she pulled her robe over her head until she stood before them naked. She looked at the three sets of eyes gazing at her beautiful body while laser streams whizzed past. "Really? Really? Jesus." She held her robe out and began to wave it. "Wait! Wait! Don't shoot!" The hallway grew silent and she stepped into the open. She faced the stunned soldiers and began to run her hands over her body. "Hello, boys. I surrender. Who wants a blowjob?" she purred.