Space Relations

One hour later, an electric cart slid into Section F. It stopped beside the mostly finished stage, spewing out Lieutenant Washington and Ensign Brukenfooken, and a slew of DJ equipment.

"Pass the word, my man." Washington told the driver. "We are going to turn this mother out. We are going to beat the bitch!" He slapped the driver a hard high five.

"Anybody that gets in my cart, I don't give a shit where they're headed," The driver was all jazzed up, since Mary had given him a Happy Kiss earlier. "They are all getting out here!"

"That's the spirit!" Washington waved him off. "See if you can find Mulligan for us. We're going to need him in a little while."

The lieutenant turned so he could help his Viking crewmember haul out the giant speakers, but the brawny blonde shrugged him off. "I'll take the big stuff, Captain. If you want, you can bring over all the extension cords."

"Like hell I will!" Washington snapped back. "If this is going to be my last day as a starship captain, I mean go out with a bang!"

Brukenfooken dropped off the first speaker, before coming back to stand by the lieutenant. "Can I speak frankly with you, sir?"

"Of course." Washington nodded. "Speak your mind, my friend. I'm all ears."

The tall man sighed. "I've been assigned to two other starship captains besides yourself. Both were men, and I'm sorry to say, that both were either intimidated by me or abhorrent toward me because of my great size and exaggerated musculature. I've gotten into brawls before, under each of their commands. Both of these captains did not hesitate to berate me loudly and publicly for my actions. After the scuffle I got into earlier, I expected more of the same from you. I was actually shocked because just a little while ago, you and the rest of the crew were actually praising what I'd done. All of you gave Margo and me high fives for representing at the football game." The big man frowned, and he actually wiped a tear from his eye. "I wasn't sure about taking this post until that moment, sir. I've never felt that I really, truly belonged in a crew until right now. You're the best captain I've ever worked under." He brought his huge arms around Washington's. His voice was creaking as he said, "I love you, man."

Washington yelped from the big man's strength, but his voice came out muffled due to his face being crushed against the giant's chest. The lieutenant became even more apprehensive when he heard a polite honking behind him. He managed to turn his head aside, barely. "That's enough, Brukenfooken. Someone's watching us."

The big man released him. Since his eyes were still teary, the big Viking immediately stepped away. "I'll go set up the rest of the equipment."

Washington composed himself, before he turned around and saw two electric carts. One was full of passengers, and the second laden with musical equipment. A ruffled looking young man walked over and held out his hand.

"Hi." Washington said, as they shook hands.

"So it's true." The young man said.

"What is?"

"That you and that Sven guy punch each other's tickets."

Washington frowned. "Who told you that?"

"Oh, it's a rumor floating around the ship." The man shrugged. "I keep hearing it all over the place."

Washington made a mental note to kill Cruz soon. Very soon. Like, the next time he laid eyes on him soon. "By the way, his name is Bjorn, not Sven." He said absently, and he immediately realized that he'd sounded defensive. I am really going to kill Cruz! He thought. "Anyway, what can I do for you?"

"Oh, we're the back-up band." The young man stated. "For when your boy Nord wants to take a break from DJ-ing. We're called the Milky Way Misfits. Commander Braxton banned us from playing on the Neptune, after she caught some people having sex at one of our gigs. She canceled our contract, too, which kind of sucks because the early termination clause meant we'd have to finance our own way home. Since she refuses to pay us at all, we've been stuck here for the last three weeks, not being able to play our music and not able to afford to leave here, either. So, yeah, we'd like to join your little revolution thing that you've got going on, and beat this bitch!"

Washington shook his head at their situation. "Well, you've come to the right place. Just confer with Bjorn over where he'd like you guys to set up."

"Will do." The young man pointed his two index fingers at the lieutenant, like two tiny pistols, as he walked past. He called out to Brukenfooken, "Hey, Goldilocks, what's cracking?"

A minute later, the band was removing their various instruments from the electric cart.

No sooner had Bjorn gotten a good techno beat going, when more carts started to arrive. One of the first bunches included Crumly and a few other off-duty drivers. They brought with them several bunches of confetti-shooting starter's pistols, and plenty of extra ammunition. The joyous man started passing the pistols around to anyone who would take them, but he had a special present reserved for Washington.

"Here you go, lieutenant." Crumly said, as he handed the man a western-style gunslinger's belt, with two confetti shooters shaped like antique revolvers, and ammo packs strung up all the way around.

"I've never used one of these things." Washington considered one of the mock weapons.

"Oh, it's easy." Crumly said. "Just point one up into the air and pull the trigger. Go on. Try it."

Washington did. When he squeezed the trigger, a loud pop sounded off. A small cloud of rainbow-colored confetti shot out of his pistol and began to slowly trickle down around them both.

"That's amazing!" He popped off another round. "This is just like Christmas!"

"Save some ammo for when the ladies get here." Crumly advised, before he strode off to rejoin his comrades.

The next two carts brought alcohol and snacks, and Willow. Behind that came a third cart with more partygoers.

Willow stepped over with a great, big smile on her face.

"Don't tell me that Mary gave you a Happy Kiss, too?" Washington asked.

"Oh, she tried but I wouldn't let her." Willow said, shrugging. "I don't know how to say this. I guess I'll just throw it out there. I haven't been with a guy in a while. When Cruz kissed me, it was kind of nice."

Washington felt a pang of jealousy, since he kind of liked Willow himself. But as the saying went, all's fair in love and war. "What's with all the beer and chips?"

"Oh, you won't believe it!" Willow exclaimed. "Braxton has been limiting how much alcohol the bartenders can serve on the ship. It's been stockpiling and gathering dust all over the place. Barbie said Braxton would be in trouble if Cocksander found out she's been holding it back from the crew. Anyway, we had the driver take us out to one of the storage centers. We got ourselves loaded with as much as we could carry. Believe me when I say that there is plenty more where this came from!"

"Where is Barbie, anyway?" Washington asked. "I was kind of hoping she'd be my date for the party."

"She said she still had to take care of a few things." Willow replied. "She also said to keep your lap warm for her."

"Did she? That's exactly what I wanted to hear."

"I'll let you in on a little secret." She motioned for Washington to lean closer.

"Yes?"

"One of these days, it's going to be me sitting on your lap." With that, she turned around and quickly walked away.

Washington found himself staring at the woman's tight butt, but only for one second as he didn't want anybody thinking he was a pervert. Well, maybe he stared at her for two seconds, or three.

The next cart to show up was so overloaded with women, that it was nearly scraping the road below it as it came to a halt. Women were sitting on each other's laps, three high. All of them were dressed like Goth cheerleaders, wearing tight white shirts with black sleeves, and black skirts. As they piled out, he noticed that all of the women had pigtails, eyeliner around the eyes, and wore dark purple lipstick. Even though they were obviously dykes, the lieutenant still found several of them attractive.

A giantess took the lead, leading the rough looking pack toward him. It took the unnerved Washington a moment before he realized that he was staring at his ship's chef.

"Margo, is that you?" He asked.

The woman stopped next to Washington and placed her arm on his shoulder. She looked back at her menacing entourage.

"I don't usually bed with a man, but when I do, I choose this one." Margo said, after which she planted a good long kiss on the lieutenant's mouth.

Several of the women snapped pictures on their phones to preserve the moment.

"Margo, you look really sexy right now." Washington admitted. "I almost didn't recognize you without your usual leather chaps on. Anyway, it's nice to see that you've made some new friends."

"These are the Vamps." Margo introduced the bunch. "They're a street gang here on the Neptune. They made me an honorary member of their club after they saw that video of me taking on half a stadium full of men." She turned toward where the music was blaring. "Is that Bruck And Fuck over there?"

"Brukenfooken, but yes, it's him."

Margo glanced back at her new homegirls. "Which one of you babes wants to dance?" She patted the lieutenant on the butt and started leading the pack of she-wolves away. "Catch you on the rebound, Cappy!"

Most of them went away loudly, but one stood right before the lieutenant, glaring at him as if she wanted to pick a fight. The only problem was; she was a tiny little thing that barely reached up to Washington's chest. She had long auburn hair, pale skin, and lots of freckles. Oh, and she was also gritting her teeth and growling at him.

Washington stared down at the young woman. "I couldn't begin to tell you why, but you are seriously turning me on right now. Can you pretend I'm a lesbian so I can kiss you?"

The girl looked at him funny, until she said, "Okay, I've never swapped spit with a ship's captain before."

Since she was so short, Washington had to stand her on a beer crate to bring her mouth level with his.

They were still making out when an incessant honking was heard. Once his tiny partner bustled away from him, Washington looked over at the source of the clamor. He was fully expecting to see Cruz at the wheel, but instead it was Cummings. The navigator was dressed in the manner of a Medieval baron, complete with a regal blue velvet gown, bagpipe sleeves, a chaperon hat and pointed shoes. He exited the cart and brought a box over to the lieutenant.

"What happened to you?" Washington asked, as he took the box.

"We raided a costume shop." Cummings shrugged. "The clerk didn't even charge us once we told him why we were throwing the party." He pointed at the box. "We kind of guessed on your size, but Mary said you'd like it. She hasn't been wrong yet, right?"

Another person exited the cart, wearing a white sequin jumpsuit and sporting a fresh pompadour hairdo.

"Nobody has been able to guess who that is." Cummings mentioned. "It's Mulligan, the coordinator from the dock."

Even knowing who the man was, Washington didn't recognize him.

The last two people who came off the cart were a male and a female. The male wore tight eggplant colored leggings, yellow trunks, an eggplant shirt with a bright yellow C on it, and a yellow cape. The blonde beside him wore cute yellow boots and tight trunks, showing off her nice legs, the same style shirt, but instead of a cape, she had on a thin yellow strip across the eyes to serve as a mask.

"Darling, did you want to want to be the lead or the sidekick?" The male asked, as the two walked up to the lieutenant. "All you have to do is ask, and my cape belongs to you, just as the rest of me already does."

The blonde leaned over and pecked him on the cheek. "You always say the sweetest things to me. Why don't you be the lead now and we can switch later?"

"Cruz, Mary." Washington acknowledged the two.

"How dare you use our real names when we're in our superhero outfits!" Cruz reprimanded the man. "You're giving away our identities, baby!"

Washington couldn't tell whether the ensign was being serious or not. "Well, what are your superhero names, so I won't make the same mistake twice?"

Cruz straightened up and majestically placed his hands on his hips. He shouted out boldly, "I'm Captain Cock, and this is my sidekick Cunny!" He paused to reflect on this, before he turned toward Mary. "You know, I do hate to relegate you to a secondary position like that. You deserve to be my equal in every respect, and perhaps even more so than I. Let me grab that second cape after all, so you can dispense with that mask thing. We'll attend the event as full equals."

Cruz hurried back to the cart. Mary watched him go.

"Isn't he just dreamy?" She sighed.

"I wouldn't know about that." Washington said. "Have you seen Barbie, by any chance?"

"No, not since she went off to pick up the beer." Mary answered. "She was thinking about you a lot, though."

"Was she?"

"Oh, yeah." Mary nodded. "She was as bored and disillusioned as everybody else on this ship. You put that spark of excitement right back into her. Well, along with something really long and really hard, too. She really does like you, though."

"You do have quite a way with words, Mary." Washington said.

"Were you just being sarcastic?"

"Uh, let me just say, maybe."

Cruz returned. Gently, he lifted Mary's hair and clasped a second yellow cape around her neck. After this, he removed Mary's strip of a mask and tried to put the hair he'd just ruffled back into place. "There. I feel much better now that we can be co-captains." He glanced over to the stage, where DJ Brukenfooken was ripping it up. "He's quite good, isn't he?" Then his gaze traveled over to the dance floor, which caused his gaze to harden. "By the ring-makers of Saturn, Captain Cunny, has a horde of unnatural lesbians infiltrated what was supposed to be a heterosexual function?"

Mary took up her role at once. "They have, Captain Cock. What do you propose we do about it?"

"Well, I must make every attempt to deter them from their errant ways!" Cruz, er, Captain Cock declared. 'The fate of human reproduction rests squarely on my manly shoulders! And on my Super Cock!"

"And I see those miserable cart drivers, who have been befuddled into mediocrity by that slut of a commander that runs this wayward vessel, men whom I must bedazzle with my lap dances so that they may once again be counted as worthy enough to represent the masculine sex, that they may no longer exist as mindless, machine-serving drones."

"That was quite good, Mary." Cruz said, thoroughly impressed.

"Well, thank you." Mary replied. "You weren't so bad yourself!"

"To the fray!" Cruz bolted off.

"To the fray!" Mary repeated, as she sped away in another direction.

Washington watched them go, and pondered on how well the two science officers complemented each other. They were, as Cruz had pointed out earlier, as balanced as the yin was to the yang. He wondered if he'd ever find someone who could stack up with him in a similar way, when his thoughts returned to Barbie. Alas, he knew, by the close of the following day, his ship would be departing from the Neptune's docks and he'd be leaving his new love interest behind. On top of that, he would most likely be out of a job. The disheartened man could already see himself ending up back at the academy, as a janitor, most likely.

Willow walked back with a handful of men and pointed at the cart still sitting there, loaded full of beer and snacks. "Grab some stuff and start passing it around. Then come back and get some more! And remember to say the slogan to everybody. Let me hear it one more time!"

"Beat the bitch!" The men all cried out, right before they swarmed over the goodies.

Willow retrieved a couple of beers, bringing one back to the lieutenant.

Washington took it, at which point Willow embraced him, for no apparent reason other than to keep him from sulking. She didn't kiss him, didn't feel him up, she simply held him close.

About five minutes later, another cart full of Neptune personnel arrived. Among these was Barbie, who placed her hands on her hips and pouted as she approached. "You've been cheating on me, and after you promised me that your weren't going to!"

"No, he hasn't." Willow answered first. "I was just keeping him warm because he's been standing here looking like a lost puppy waiting for you. Would you like to take over?"

"I would indeed." Barbie nodded.

"He's all yours." Willow drifted away toward the music. "Have fun, captain!"

Washington waved at his retreating ensign, before he turned and reached out to give Barbie a great, big hug. "I did feel like a lost puppy. I am so glad you're here now. Where have you been?"

"Oh, wrapping up some loose ends, here and there." She puckered up for him.

"Before I kiss you, I'd like to clear my conscience first." Washington said. "I'm sorry, but I did cheat on you slightly. I was trying to reform a small lesbian earlier, and I did engage in an industrial strength make-out session with her."

"Which one?"

Washington scanned the crowd. "That short one with the freckles, the one riding on my chef's shoulders over there."

"Did you enjoy kissing her?" Barbie flirted.

Washington nodded grimly. "Definitely."

"More than a make-out session with me?"

"Definitely... not."

"Well, then I'll forgive you, this one time." Barbie replied. "But I will have my revenge on you, mister, if a homosexual man happens to walk by. Now kiss me, you fool!"

He did.

"Again."

He did it again.

"What's in the box?" Barbie noticed. "You didn't get me flowers, did you?"

"Oh, one of my crew members gave this to me." Washington said, bringing the box out from under his arm. "I don't even know what's in here."

He opened it, finding a pair of dark brown, bell-bottom pants, a matching vest, a black belt with a peace sign for a buckle, and a great big Afro wig. The back of the vest had a caricature of a disco ball. Above the disco ball were the words 'Play that funky music!' and below it, 'White Boy!'

"What is it?" Barbie asked. "I've never seen anything like that."

"It's a disco outfit," Washington marveled. "From the late twentieth century. I think I'm going to have to cheat on you again. I have got to give Mary a kiss for picking this out for me."

"Now you're getting ahead of yourself, mister." Barbie poked him in the chest. "But your duds do look kind of sexy. Why don't you put them on?"

"You mean right here? Right now?"

"No, how about during the next planetary alignment?"

"I see what you did there." Washington nodded. Since he was feeling kind of randy anyway now that his new fuck-buddy had shown up, he went ahead and stripped off his clothes.

"Get a room, captain!" Mary shouted, as she ran past with her yellow cape billowing up behind her. She ran over to the car with all the beer. Strangely, she climbed up on the side and started digging through the stuff sitting on the roof. Washington watched as Mary retrieved a box similar to the one she'd given him.

"Captain Cunny to the rescue!" Mary hurried back, quickly handing the box off to Barbie, before she again scurried toward the crowd.

Washington started putting on his disco costume. "Open your box, Barbie."

"I'm afraid to."

"Come on, just open it."

Barbie lifted the box cover. Inside was a mini-dress with pink and lavender flowers and swirls, and bell sleeves. The accessories included a lavender headband and two high platform, knee-height Chacha boots in a cheerleader white.

"Whoa!" She said. "Double whoa! I may end up kissing Mary myself, because I really like these colors."

A few minutes later, they'd both gotten dressed. Hand in hand they entered the soiree. Confetti blasts, techno music, and a lot of whooping it up were taking place.