Pruriential Paladin Ch 00 Pt 01

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Skip to halfway if you're here for a quicky.

(This feels presumptuous, but I'mma do it anyway.)

A note before you begin. When I began this series it was off the cuff and the first time I'd ever written... well anything really. It seems to have been enjoyed (ya bunch of fellow freaks) and I will be resuming with this first installment.

Depending on comments and reviews I will either treat the original as a draft and it will guide my rewrite, or this story as a stand alone incident with a follow up or two for world building.

Regardless, I hope you enjoy.

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The tablet fell from my fingers, forgotten as a numb ache filled my soul and deadened my senses.

The words echoed in my mind and the world grew darker, "I'm sorry we both need other people..."

They were a barbed bolt that tore through my chest as I fell to my knees, gasping for air breathlessly as my heart was ripped from my body and shredded into pieces. Hot, stinging tears burned trails down my face as my shoulders heaved with choking sobs and my soul writhed in agony.

Knowing she was right only made it worse...

I could never be what she needed.

It wasn't in my nature.

I didn't need to read the rest to know what it said. She knew me better than anyone, save myself. And now she knew the truth that I'd always known.

She deserved better.

And I deserved nothing.

No matter how hard I might try, I could never be her perfect love.

My heart screamed as I picked up the pieces, hugging myself as I wept and tied the laces of her armor back into place with practiced hands and slow, deep breaths. Each one shook as I mentally sutured a wound deeper than any I'd ever known, but one that would scar quickly and heal. As it always had before..

So many times...

I promised my heart that I would keep her safe, this time. Even though she knew it was a lie. Passion would find us again one day, and pain would inevitably follow.

But we would never stop.

Could never stop.

Will never stop.

It is not in our nature.

Not now, and never again.

My heart stilled as acceptance came to me, and suddenly I could draw breaths without gasping through sobs. We knew this day would come. We'd readied ourselves for it. It would not break us.

It was not in our nature to break.

The tablet began to vibrate aggressively on the hardwood floor, derailing my spiraling train of thought as the name Analluria replaced the Dear Johan message I quickly deleted before finishing.

With a resigned sigh I answered with a thought and a gesture, placing my pinky to the corner of my lips and my thumb to my ear to activate the enchanted stone's dweomer. An instant later I was greeted by the gloating smile of my godsister, High Mother Analluria, floating in the air.

"Baby Brother! I hear you're single again?!" She didn't bother to feign concern. "Awww... Have you been crying? Is that poor little mortal heart of yours brokey-broke? Again?" She laughed, teasing me with a pouting face as I nearly ended the call right then and there.

But then she would win.

I didn't bother to hide the irritation in my voice, "What do you want Ana?"

Her smile twisted into a crimson scowl, "I want you to be less of a dick, but we both know that shit ain't gonna happen." She spat every word with venom as her eyes flashed with fiery annoyance. "Maybe try being less of a little bitch too, while you're at it? Fucking hells, your crying over a fucking mortal for Mother's sake!"

I ground my teeth and smiled to avoid the unpleasantness my candor would bring if I pointed out her hypocrisy. Instead, I adopted my most obsequious tone and smile, "My apologies Godsister Annaluria. How may I help you?"

Her grin returned with a sinister gleam and I knew that I was about to get fucked, deificly. She was far too pleased with herself... and completely ignored the opportunity to call out my blatant disrespect.

The first thing anyone should know about my godsister is that she's fucking insane. Seriously. Koko for Coocoopuffs. Nuckin'futz.

She has a three track mind. Fight. Fuck. Fight/Fuck. That's it. Nothing else.. When she can help it, at least.

How or why she'd been elected to lead the Union still baffled me.... But so do most of the things the gods do. Mostly because they all fucking suck, in some way shape or form. Nearly exclusively.

Don't believe me? Go crack open the texts or learn the poems of any religion. They rape, kill or curse at the mildest of slights, they hold grudges for generations and don't mind punishing innocents. At all. They're generally far beyond any repercussions most mortals could possibly muster, and they simply do not give a single shit about you.

Simply put, they're a pack of ogres that get their rocks off picking on halfling toddlers.

Zeus? Philandering incestual rapist. Seriously, dude marries his sister and then proceeds to cheat on her ad nauseum. Why bother? Not to mention his more bestial activities....

Thor? Murderous macho dickhead. Dumber than a box of rocks. Genocidal maniac when it comes to any giantfolk, or tall humans. Or regular humans, because he thinks may be very short giants. Married to a giant. Go figure.

El? Tried to murder his whole fucking family while attempting to wipe out all mortals but his own personal favorites. Without him, the Godswar never would have started. Killed by his own sons.

Crom? Less of a dick than Thor, but still a dick. He's actually not that bad, so long as he doesn't see you as weak. If he does, he may crush your skull for a laugh.... Or torture you to death to 'build character'.

Woden? Will eat you. Full stop. You are an animal, he is The Hunter. You are meat, and he is hungry. He uses every part, so at least you won't go to waste....

Mab? Fucking psychopath. Will eat and fuck you. Concurrently.

Titania? See Mab. Seriously, don't fuck with fairies. You will die very badly.

I won't belabor the point though. The list of fucked up gods goes on and on and on... But I would be remiss if I didn't give credit to the few decent ones. Hestia and Mitra immediately come to mind, as do Adonai, Asheara, and Artemis. Adonai and Artemis are still around, the rest died in the flighting

The trickster gods are... a mixed bag, but mostly good. Still... best avoided. If only for your sanity.

After that.... Well, plenty of assholes landed on the right side of The Flood. And plenty of assholes aren't really 'evil'. Just dicks.

Crom for instance, while being the original toxic macho meathead, chose to stand beside Mitra and Ishtar against the rest of their pantheon. Though he needn't have bothered as Derketa and Bel murdered them all in one fell swoop, dealing a massive blow to The Flood and putting them back on their heels for the first time in the war.

Strange times made stranger bedfellows, and family drama only gets more insane and chaotic on the cosmic scale.

Whole worlds were wiped out and planes drained of magic entirely just because a few assholes decided to amass 'ultimate power'. Those assholes now known collectively as: The Flood.

Because they washed away everything in their wake, sparing only their own loyal creations.

Several factions opposed them early on, to little effect. Whole worlds and planes were erased as no one group could stand up to its focused. Not until The Divine Union was formed, led first by Hestia, who'd melted her cast iron skillets and given them to Hephaestus to forge into god killing blades. The first of which he gave to his mother, Hera, who had remained dutifully at her husband's side. Marching with The Flood.

She struck him dead on his throne in Olympus, burying the dirk to its pommel and wrenching it free by cleaving an exit through his face. And then shoving his lightning bolt into the ruins of his skull. She cast his corpse from the mountaintop and took his throne for herself, swearing allegiance to the Union as the new Queen of the Hellene.

It's funny how that worked out so well.... For her.

In my opinion she was no better than her brother/husband. Brusband? Perhaps worse. His actions were reckless, irresponsible, reprehensible, and self centered, without a single care for the consequences. Hers were considered, intentional, cruel, and malicious. And her victims were innocents whom she tortured as a proxy for the man who'd truly wronged her.

Fortunately, most of the shitheads, Hera included, died in the Godswar. Unfortunately, so did the best amongst us. In the chaos, with pantheons broken by civil wars or wiped out entirely, new faiths emerged and new gods arose as demigods and mortals ascended and either took up their predecessor's mantle, or forged their own path forward.

Of the old gods, a handful of the Hellene and a few Elohim remained, along with the equally devastated Diaga, Devai, Vanir and Aesir. The Mulhorandi were betrayed and wiped out entirely when their godking Rah-Mut was assassinated, murdered and sacrificed by his brother Apophis. Who was in turn put down by his mother Neith. Who died defending Lemuria from Demogorgon, the new King of Demons. Who was in turn slain by Adonai and my godsister Analuria, with the help of a dozen greater angels and azata.

And that was before Baphomet and the psychopomps decided neutrality was no longer an option.... Alongside the titans Rhea, Atlas, and Oceanus who took up the fight against the Fomor....

Needless to say, it was a fucking mess.

For demigods like me, though, it was simple.

Kill 'em all, the gods will sort themselves out.

It takes longer to breed greater demons than it does demigods....

And when the sex gods like my Godmother Dolleyna started playing dirty.... The tides turned.

And we won.

Mostly.

Analuria smiled at my sarcastic contrition, "Was that really so fucking hard? Basic fucking manners, that's all I fucking ask."

I dried my face with my shirt to hide my scowl. "You never cared about manners before you took up Mother's mantle.... And you never snooped through my mail."

Her freckled nose crinkled and I knew I'd hit the mark with my guess, there was no way she could have known without foreknowledge. Omniscient, she was not.

"I'm just looking out for my baby brother! Besides, Macuilxochitl knew this morning and betting closed." My stomach dropped again, "Everyone has known all day."

My guts twisted as cold rage crept up my spine, "Tell me that you're fucking joking.... Tell me that my love life didn't get turned into a casino game..." My voice shook as her smile became a sympathetic smirk.

She shrugged, "You're not the first god to have their heart broken by a mortal, and literally everything is fair game to them. You're young, don't worry. You'll find someone better sometime in the next century or two." Her flippant tone did little to ease my aggravation before her green eyes sparkled in sudden epiphany, "Holy shit! Bro. She's a human, right? Just wait a couple dozen years and if she has a daughter..."

I glowered my silent answer, knowing where she was going. "Fine... fine.... Just think about it... It's almost as fun as raping a demon! Make's 'em jealous as fuck! And sometimes you get the ol' family combo fuck!"

I told you. Crazy as fuck.

She didn't understand. At all. I sighed and opened my mouth to explain, but the words never came. Instead a font of burning tears erupted and blinded me.

I was alone.

My mother was dead. My sisters had ascended and left behind most of their humanity. And I had no one else. My comrades were mostly dead or retired, or had their own broken lives to return to....

But I'd never had one. The war had been my life. And after the war, She was my light at the end of the tunnel...

But now there was nothing.

No mother. No sisters. No light.

Nothing.

A powerful divine aura filled the air as the illusion of Analuria was replaced by her physical avatar, a simulacrum of the flesh and blood she'd possessed before ascending.

And then her arms were around me, and I didn't care if it was her or not. She towered over me by a foot, as she had before, with crimson hair spilling free to her shoulders and emerald eyes more vibrant than any mortals I'd ever seen, sun kissed skin and shoulders built for hewing entire forests with a single swing. Or legions of demons.

And I felt safe wrapped in them.

She buried my face into firm curves wrapped in taut red leather, swaddling me tight with her body until I could feel her heartbeat beneath my tear-stained cheeks. She took my weight easily as I smiled and wept tears that slowly became joyful as the truth of her presence sank in.

I wasn't alone.

For a time she simply held me and said nothing, until I became uncomfortable with her touch and needed to pull away quickly.

"You uhh... You good?" I nodded and the goddess's discomfort vanished as she rasied an eyebrow and grew a sly smile. "How would you feel about leaving this plane for a while, and leaving all your troubles and worries behind with it? And putting those mortal arms of yours back to work for a good cause?"

I smiled with her as a spark of joy blossomed in my soul, "When does the next assault start?!" That spark ignited a firestorm as oxytocin and serotonin flooded my veins, alongside a second helping of adrenaline to burn away the heartache and replace it with a burning lust.

She laughed and waved her hand through the air, drying my eyes and banishing the bags beneath them as she casually reshaped reality. "Baby brother... don't you mean the next game?" Her laugh faded and her tone grew mockingly serious, "We have to play fair now."

"And did you think I showed up so quickly just to be a big fat dick?" I shrugged and she rolled her emerald eyes dramatically, it was entirely possible and we both knew it. "Grab your shit, you're late for reorientation. I'll gate you there."

A chill ran through me, like lightning and fire from my fingertips to my soul. Shivers ran up and down my spine as chemicals flooded my veins and brain from glands tuned in savage war.

I grinned and lifted the haversack resting next to my bed onto my shoulder while slapping my chest to hear the reassuring jingle of my twinned amulets. My heart pounded with what had been fear, long ago, before I had cut my teeth and learned that they could tear and rend. The taste of foul ichor filled my mouth and the scent of blood and offal came to me as memories flooded in, flashes of terror and triumph alike.

And the perfect rush of being lost in pure bloodlust.

Her eyes narrowed as her nose crinkled and flared, "There he is..." The words carried a proud and sensual purr. "Carpe that fucking jugulum, Brother Babe."

I smiled as my blood became fire and fury and the savage lust filled the empty space in my heart; the bygone appellation completing my internal transfiguration as my heart, mind and soul aligned and sharpened into a blade of light.

I growled through a smile, "Gimme the shimmy."

She snapped and reality shattered and twisted, spinning into a thousand shimmering kaleidoscopes that folded impossibly as I left the world behind.

-- -- -- -- --

You know what fucking sucks?

Beurocracy.

The last time I deployed it was literally in a snap, owed partially to the fact that nearly everyone learned their portal/gate/apparition/et al spells with that somatic trigger. But also partially because it was actually war then.

While somehow during my sabbatical, war had become a game. And they had gotten very picky about who was allowed to play, and where.

The nurse wore the deadpan mask of a professional and spoke with ice in her voice, "The purpose of this examination is to determine your eligibility, and determine if any boon or handicap is necessary to ensure the spirit of fairness."

I laughed quietly at the absurdity, but minded my manners otherwise. A day of paperwork and prodding when I'd thought I would be hewing and marauding by now had left me in strange spirits. "We wouldn't want to spoil the gods fun by smiting evil too quickly!"

She sighed, clearly not amused. "Open your mouth."

I did so and the nurse used a flat stick to crush my tongue as she inspected my throat, teeth and gums, taking so long that I gagged before she removed it.

"You maintain your mundane hygiene well enough, but you don't floss." Her tone froze the room as her fingers danced in the air, filling boxes on a document only she could see as I kicked my feet in boredom.

I had made it a habit to not rely on magic for basic needs, especially after seeing what a month in a dead zone did to those who didn't. "I try to-" She fixed me with a glaring eyebrow that saw through the lie I nearly told us both.

I bowed my head in deference, and embarrassment. "I will try to do better."

Her sharp features softened a touch and the chill in her tone warmed along with my cheeks. "You do well enough, for one with an empowered soul. Well enough that I surmised that you would wish to know your faults."

My embarrassment faded in an instant as what I'd seen as chastisement instead made me feel strangely seen. "Thank you."

Her fingers stuttered and her eyes danced between her illusory screen and mine for a moment before she began to type again. After a few moments she finished and turned to me with the same deadpan as before.

When she spoke though, her voice lacked it's former edge. "Your breathing appears to be normal, unobstructed, and only moderately enhanced. Please breathe in as deeply as you can when you feel ready and comfortable." She closed her eyes and bowed her head, focusing on her hearing as she flarwd and tipped short, elfkin ears that peeked through her auburn hair.

I took two breaths and then drank in the sterile air through my nose and mouth, expanding my ribs as I stretched the muscles between them wide. Rising to my feet, I pushed out my abs to draw my diaphragm deep into my abdomen and expand my lungs to their full capacity.

My chest burned as I pursed my lips to draw harder, stretching my lungs further before finally sealing my lips tight.

Her fingers danced for a moment before collecting a small item from the tray beside her. "Good. Now place this between your teeth and exhale through it as slowly as possible."

Her fingertips brushed my palm as she handed me what appeared to be an unmolded mouth guard with a short breathing tube, similar to what a swimmer might use but lacking the curve that would allow one to breath under shallow water. In that moment our eyes met and I knew the source of her icy demeanor, and that it was intentional.

I averted my eyes quickly, choosing to ignore the hunger I saw burning within her. Instead I focused on the device, discerning its nature quickly and placing it in my mouth as instructed.

Slowly, I began to deflate. Dropping my shoulders and relaxing my belly as I closed my eyes and exhaled through the tube, sitting back onto the table and resting my hands on my lap as I took my mind elsewhere. Every muscle relaxed as I reduced my need for oxygen and kept away the ache of its need by reserving a small amount of spent air.

I filled my mind with the vision of a garden filled with honeysuckle and lavender, a steam burbling beneath a willow whose leaves danced in the wind as I lay atop a bed of mossy ground and bathed in the light of a warm sun. Laughter and joy surrounded me as I envisioned the people who would call the garden home, as diverse and plentiful as the hundreds of flowers and berries that grew all around.

I felt the kiss of love and the embrace of repose, and slept there until my chest began to burn.

When I tried to draw breath, air came but without the oxygen my body screamed for. Opening my eyes I found the nurse watching closely as I reached to remove the suffocating device.

Her hands stayed mine, "Please do not remove the testing device, you will have to repeat the exam. It will allow you to breathe before you truly need a breath."