More Tales From the Guilds

Two Kh'olli dogs, Rolf and Fluffles, sat with their ears perked in attention and their eyes focused intently on Captain Angua. They were in a small chapel off to one side in the temple of Blind Io, chief of the Gods of the Disc. Angua had taken them there for a discussion and since the discussion would be in 'dog', which Angua as a werewolf spoke fluently, having any observers around might divulge just who the Watch's rumored werewolf officer really was. Most of the city had somehow come to the comical conclusion that it was Corporal Nobbs. Why that may be is a mystery but it has been useful, as far as the rest of the Watch is concerned.

"Now look, you two," the captain barked quietly, "this is an important assignment. The whole idea is to pair up your pack's humans so that both of you can sleep at the foot of their bed."

Two tails wagged cheerfully. It sounded like a capital idea to them.

"Now what everyone wants the pair of you to do, when Lethality's father hands her over to Sam at the altar, is herd his Cloudsplitter carpet from the back of the temple up next to them. The wedding ring will be sitting on a pillow in the center of it so that he can pick it up and put it on her finger. Then the High Priest will pronounce them husband and wife, there will be a big luncheon (more enthusiastic wagging because large meals are popular beyond the confines of Unseen University) and the four of you will all head for a tropical beach where you can chase seagulls and play in the surf. All clear?"

Both dogs yipped affirmatively and wagged their tails even more. Herding Syrrit sheep and the carpets made from their wool was what Kh'olli dogs

did

. This would be easy. All that remained was for both dogs to put on appropriately formal collars for the ceremony. Sam would be in the University's academic robes and Lethality in a flowing gown in navy blue and purple as befitted a graduate Assassin and

someone

in the party needed to wear black and white

1

. Angua patted both furry heads and scratched them behind the ears. Then the three casually walked out into the nave to join the wedding rehearsal.

[

1

That both animals had grown their own natural black and white coats seemed to have bypassed the humans' attention.]

Lady Sybil smiled surreptitiously at the captain.

"All ready, are they?" she asked in a whisper.

Angua nodded in affirmation and winked. Both dogs looked immensely proud of themselves. The whole concept of getting to share the foot of the younger Vimes' bed was in the bag. Life was going to be good--from the canine point of view.

Weddings are traditionally the prevue of the bride's family. Since the groom's father, Commander Vimes, had little good to say about gods in general, even Blind Io, this enabled a smoother course of action with Hughnon Ridcully. As High Priest he would naturally officiate over the most high status wedding the city had seen since the Commander of the Watch had married the richest woman in Ankh-Morpork a couple of decades before. Fortunately, the Wiggs family are nominal parishioners so there is absolutely no friction. Vimes, having been gently admonished by his Lady to just keep his mouth shut about the whole procedure, stewed quietly through the rehearsal

2

. Given the City's proclivity for mayhem there was a good possibility that he would be called away to run down some miscreant and wouldn't have to sit through the official ceremony, anyhow. He wasn't exactly hoping for any crimes but wouldn't be heartbroken if one called him away. It had happened often enough before. It was just that now that he was in his seventies, chasing criminals wasn't as easy as it had been in years past.

[

2

Part of the stewing was about having to wear his dress uniform. He hated it, but Sybil insisted.]

*****

In Lancre City, by royal decree, the entire town was bedecked in bunting, banners and bouquets. Penny Ogg was amazed. Several years earlier she'd been politely but firmly banished to Unseen University because of an unfortunate inability to control fireballs. Not only did they cause worrisomely deep holes that the townsfolk sometimes fell into but in her early teens, the girl had (possibly from frustration at her lack of control) been surly, quick-tempered and given to occasionally aiming them

at

people. She didn't hit anyone on purpose until she arrived in Ankh-Morpork and knocked on the gates of UU. Pushing them open she'd been confronted by the most unpopular student enrolled at the time. He (Peleanor Galway) had verbally abused her for being a girl trying to enter and then tried to physically shove her back onto the street. The result had been a smoking crater that the University gardener, Modo, had had to patch. She didn't even leave any smoking, pointy-toes shoes.

Fortunately the Archchancellor had read the letter from Queen Magrat she carried, admitted her to student status and directed several other students to deliberately befriend her and keep her happy. It worked. She made friends among the student body and the city's Differently Alive, especially the bogey who lived under her bed. She'd not only been awarded a M. Thau at the unheard of age of fifteen

3

but had then written a book that became a best seller, become faculty and gotten engaged to the Vice Chancellor's second cousin. Penny had risen to become her hometown's pride and joy. And now she was back with her fiancé in tow to get married in Lancre Castle at the royal family's invitation. Her father, Pewsey, told her that the official holiday was going to last a week. Of course, her great grandmother, Nanny Ogg, told her that she wouldn't likely see much of it as, with her groom properly fortified with Hilta Goatfounder's famed Buckaroo Drops, Penny was probably not going to see much beyond the ceiling of the Bridal Suite in the Palace Hotel--at least for a couple of days. It was all very heady and, this being Lancre City, the reception could be expected to be rather ribald, at least once Pastor Oats declared them officially married..

[

3

Students that age can't possibly concoct original spells--but she had!]

*****

Baldor Woodbead, DM (Unseen) and Passionette Selachii were really,

really

hoping for an ordinary, calm wedding. Just get hitched and then hop the train for Quirm and his mother's villa overlooking vineyards, that's all they wanted. Spare them any drama, please! However, this was Ankh-Morpork and the odds against were fairly high.

First there was the question of the guest list. The Selachii's were among the most prominent of Assassin families in Ankh-Morpork and the Woodbead's were

the

most prominent Assassin family in Quirm and had been dubbed minor nobility by the Duchy. Therefore both the Lady Daphne and (in his position as Provost of the Guild School) the Patrician simply could not be left off. And where Lord Vetinari went, Lord Downy could be expected to be, as well.

Baldor, as a graduate wizard (hedge), would have to have a representative of Unseen University sitting on his side of the temple. That's where things get complicated. The Best Man would usually be his best friend, but Consideration, DM (Unseen) was in Lancre for his own wedding and the Vice Chancellor (Connie's second cousin) was in attendance there. That left the Archchancellor to run the place so to stand in were the professors Barcbeadle. At the present they were the only wizardly couple known, though that would soon change when Connie married Penelope Ogg, D.C.L (Unseen), Lector in the Annals of the Differently Alive.

At least things weren't as complex as the guest list for Lethality Wiggs and the Marquise of Quire, Samuel Vimes-Ramkin.

That

list included pretty much the entire aristocratic ranks of the city, all the senior officers of the Watch (with all allied species), more University faculty

4

, the Patrician (again) accompanied by the Lady Margolotta, and the son of the Low Queen all the way from Schmaltzberg. All Jolson's catering sideline was going to be very, very busy.

[

4

With Consideration in Lancre and Baldor having to deal with his own nuptials, instead of a Best Man, Sammy chose a Best Ape, the Librarian.]

*****

Both Ridcully brothers were going over the upcoming festivities (while working their way through a bottle of fine Quirmian brandy) and their parts in them.

"Goin' t'be a rather busy week, what?" the Archchancellor asked.

"Very!" the High Priest of Blind Io replied, "We haven't had this much kerfuffle about folks gettin' hitched in ages. Can't imagine anythin' bigger unless th' Patrician were to marry his 'friend' the Lady Margolotta, somethin' highly unlikely t'happen, in my opinion, despite how often she comes for a visit."

"Good bet, that." Mustrum replied, "I'm not sure anyone would want to marry a vampire unless they were another vampire and d'spite all the rumors, we haven't any reason t'believe that Havelock has become one. Personally, I suspect that his apparent agelessness is the result of his dyin' his hair but y'never know."

"Well, yer know how it's s'pposed to be with vampires," Hughnon answered, "Once they get off the obsession with drinkin' blood they obsess 'bout somethin' else. Take Otto Chriek over at the

Times

. Chappie has become abs'lutely gaga over patterns of light and dark. It's made him a legendary iconographer. Havelock's already obsessed with the City and makin' it work; has been ever since he took over the Oblong Office. If he were a vampire, his obsession is already built in so who'd ever know? Anyway, 've got to make sure this Vimes/Wiggs celebration goes off without a hitch. Upsetting the Commander would be bad enough but Lady Sybil? It ain't happenin' on my watch!"

*****

Upstairs in the Cavern Club, Chrysoprase gathered his chief hench-trolls for 'a discussion'.

"I wantin' it be made bery clear like glass, nuttin' are gonna intr'up der wedding of der Commander's boy wit' his girlfr'en. We hab bin comin' up in der worl', makin' money legal-like and earnin' respec'--especially since we makin' allies wif der Beggers' Guild. Derefore, I wantin' der word to go out. If dere be any disturbance aroun' der temple of Blind Io while Sammy marryiin' Let'ality, I gonna be bery,

bery

upset. Are dis all clear?"

"Yes, Mr. Chrysoprase," came a chorus in response, "it clear like ice."

"Bery good, den. Youse all go out and makin' sure dat der res' of der trolls unnerstan' dis, too. Dat liddle boy hab grow up fine and he deserve respec'!"

*****

Young Sam had put a collar on Twyla, his swamp dragon, and handed the leash to his mother. The little dragon would have probably preferred to follow Rolf and the carpet but temple clergy had politely requested that she be kept under strict control. Since Lady Sybil was the most prominent dragon breeder in the city and its greatest expert on them, the rest of the wedding party would be much relieved to see that Twyla and her mate Sydney stayed with the couple's parents. They would wait in the temple until the ceremony was over before deliriously attending the wedding 'luncheon'--and what a luncheon it would be!

Now he put a small pillow onto the center of his beloved Cloudsplitter carpet (freshly cleaned), carefully placed the wedding ring on it, checked for the last time that his Door would still open onto the tropical beach where he and Li would spend their honeymoon and took a deep breath. The hour was finally at hand.

"Okay, Rolf, let's go get married."

Stepping up onto the carpet, Sam floated gently out the door with Rolf cruising along behind. They sailed down the corridors of Unseen, down the stairs to the quad and out the Octiron gates onto Sator Square across the Plaza of Broken Moons and down the Street of Small Gods to the Temple of Blind Io.

He left the Cloudsplitter in the narthex under the watchful eyes of both Rolf and Fluffles and made his way to the chancel where he was backslapped and fist-pumped in congratulations from Hastor Thumbfinger and the rest of the ushers. His friends from Unseen had all shown up to wish the couple well though the Librarian's real motivation was that he could kiss all the bridesmaids and they weren't allowed to run away.

Fondal's Wedding March began, B.A. Wiggs escorted his daughter up the aisle, the crowd all went "Awww!" as the dogs escorted the ring-bearing carpet to the alter, and everything was going without a hitch until High Priest Hughnon Ridcully told the congregation, "If anyone should forbid this match, let them speak now or forever hold their peace!" That's when Obnoxio Lavish, who had sneaked in and was sitting directly behind Lady Sybil, stood up. The man really didn't have any discernable reason for objecting to the match but since childhood his main hobby had been making other people unhappy and backed by the Lavish fortune, he had gotten away with it. He opened his mouth for a ringing denunciation only to suddenly find himself looking into the narrowed, slit-pupiled eyes of Twyla, Sammy's swamp dragon. As a pup, Twyla had blasted two juvenile delinquent trolls into smoking ash and now she was no longer a pup. Twelve years had seen her grow into a mature, full-bodied hen dragon with her all guardian tendencies

5

intact. She flared her nostrils and took a deep breath. Obnoxio shut his mouth and slowly sat down, almost shriveling into himself with fear. Twyla nodded in satisfaction and turned her attention back to the ceremony.

[

5

channeled from old Dribble]

At the words, "I now pronounce you husband and wife," Sammy and Li shared a spectacularly long kiss, the congregation cheered and applauded. The Kh'olli's looked very pleased with themselves and when the couple stepped up onto the Cloudsplitter, escorted it back down the aisle to the Social Hall. After all, there was a large meal waiting and the dogs (and dragons!) were ready for it!

*****

The next day, Jocasta Wiggs strode into the Guild Files, her knees locked and her arms swinging freely. It was obvious that she was in a foul temper. Digging through the records, she came across the assessment on Obnoxio Lavish. Word had gotten out and she was making sure that her fellow Assassin's nuptials were not to be interrupted by the fool, especially since this time there would be no swamp dragon on guard. Prophylactic inhumation was in order.

Hmmm, the value on the twerp wasn't high enough to interest an Assassin of Jocasta's stature under normal circumstances but his effrontery on the day before changed things. There was no reason to presume that 'extreme prejudice' would be warranted but one less Lavish in the City was always welcome, especially one that enjoyed the thought of ruining a bride's greatest day. Passionette was Jocasta's younger sister's friend and the wedding to Wolfe Woodbead was NOT going to get disturbed. Jocasta folded up the contract and slipped it into a pocket in her dress...

Like the Wiggs, most of the Lavish's lived on the Ankh side of the city amid the mansions, comfortable homes and upscale flats. As a trained (and skilled) Assassin, Jocasta was as familiar with the rooftops of the neighborhoods as she was with the streets and once the sun set she clambered easily up the side of her house, onto the roof and down the block. Leaning over the eaves on each side of the building to listen, she abseiled down to a conveniently open window, let herself in and then cocked and loaded her personal Burleigh and Stronginthearm pistol crossbow. Drifting soundlessly through the halls, she came to the dining room where Obnoxio was berating a hapless maid. She entered, put her back to the wall, raised the crossbow in both hands and firmly called out, "You!"

Lavish turned in surprise (and indignation) just in time to receive a bolt directly through his heart and into the wall behind him. The look of surprise on his face was still there when he slumped to the floor where the Assassin laid him out neatly, crossed his arms on his chest, closed his eyelids in the approved manner and pinned the requisite receipt to his waistcoat. She looked up at the shocked maid.

"Do advise the rest of this wart's family that their presence on the streets during Passionette's wedding will be undesirable and likely unhealthful. They will do well to stay home."

Leaving the bolt stuck in the plaster she turned and left the way she came.

*****

Since both Wolfe Woodbead's and Passionett Salecii's families were Assassins, the celebration of their wedding looked more funereal than nuptial. The ushers, being wizards, were naturally clad in the maroon and gold robes of Unseen but everyone else wore the Guild's traditional black, midnight blue or dark purple. Passionette, because it was

her

day, sported an elegant gown in royal blue with black rhinestones twinkling down her long train but that was the sole acknowledgement that bright color even existed. Tradition is, after all,

Tradition!

Likewise, every member of the wedding party had heard about Obnoxio's attempt at interference (and Jocasta's response) so there was little fear that any further interruptions would occur. However, there was a watchful atmosphere within the Temple and a remarkable number of concealed weapons in the congregation--just in case. And so the hopes for a calm, ordinary wedding were realized, much to the couple's satisfaction.

*****

In Lancre City, on the other hand, 'calm' and 'ordinary' rarely occurred in the same sentence, especially when a full contingent of Oggs were assembled. Out of regards for the visiting Stibbons', the family

did

unanimously overrule Granny Ogg's suggestion of a full chorus of the Hedgehog song but otherwise things were rather uproarious and ribald, especially once Pastor Oats declared the couple coupled.

Being well used to her family, it wasn't the bride that was blushing but poor Consideration as the toasts, indecorous to down-right racy, were proposed, made and hilariously laughed at. The poor wizard had never heard so many ways of describing his upcoming wedding night and was beginning to worry about his ability to respond when Penny gave him a sly look and very obviously put three dribbles of Madame Goatfounder's Buckaroo Drops into his wine.

"Now drink up," she whispered in his ear, "and then you have twenty minutes for us to make our good-byes so you can take me up to the Honeymoon Suite, carry me through the door, strip my clothes off and get this baby-making started. Tell them now."