Author's note: This is a work of fiction. All characters are eighteen years or older. This story features anal sex, so be warned in case that's not your cup of tea. Consider this just a silly, smutty parody of a few fantasy cliches. Don't expect epic tones or anything even vaguely resembling seriousness and you won't be disappointed when you don't find them! Enjoy!
This chapter picks up exactly where the previous one ended, so it's best to read that first.
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Groaning with discontent, Jadrik woke up with a clinking metallic sound ringing in his ears. As he grudgingly emerged from unconsciousness, his second disappointment of the day, beside the fact of having to stop sleeping in the first place, was the realization that Shayla's soft curvy body wasn't snuggled up with him anymore.
As he groggily sat up, the warlock forced his eyelids to open just a crack so that he could take a look around and locate the source of the ringing sound that had stirred him from slumber. Jadrik soon had his answer.
Solid-looking like a boulder and just as heavily built, Uli was sitting cross-legged by the remains of the campfire with a spoon in one ham-sized hand and a pebble in the other. With his flinty gray gaze trained on the snoring form of Aldarius, the dwarf was meticulously taking aim as he dipped his spoon into the pot resting among the last dim embers of the fire. Slowly bringing to his mouth a generous helping of rabbit stew left over from the previous night, Uli finally let lose the pebble in his left hand with a swift jerking movement of his wrist. A sharp clicking sound marked the impact of the tiny stone hitting the passed out paladin's gorget and ricocheting away.
Rubbing the sleep from his eyes and cursing the damn morning sun under his breath, Jadrik got dressed and went to sit beside Uli.
"Bah! I can't seem to hit him on the head from here, can ye believe it!?" the dwarf complained to the warlock while reaching into the pot for another big spoonful of partially reheated stew.
Noticing the amount of pebbles scattered around and all over the unconscious knight, Jadrik commented sleepily: "Good thing there's not much need for aim when you chop people in half with an axe."
Choosing to reply with nothing more than a rumbling grunt, Uli threw another stone at Aldarius and yet again missed the target. After bellowing out a short yet exceedingly crass swear word in his harsh-sounding native tongue, the burly dwarf exhaled and reached for a tin cup filled to the brim with a murky green concoction.
"Here," Uli said, passing Jadrik the cup, "the lass made ye sharpweed tea."
Within moments, Jadrik had gulped down the whole lukewarm beverage with gusto, enjoying its bitter aroma and the vaguely salty taste of the fragments of the invigorating grass floating in the tea. A passionate connoisseur of herbal stimulants, Jadrik knew very well that Shayla was not a fan of the pungent, sour-tasting sharpweed that he personally considered to be a staple in the diet of any self-respecting disciple of the dark arts, but that only made his appreciation for her gesture even greater. As he smacked his lips and smiled, already feeling a jolting rush of tea-induced lucidity return to his drowsy mind, Jadrik looked around inquisitively.
"Uli, are there any more of those..."
"Aye. Here ye go," the dwarf brusquely interrupted, already guessing what Jadrik was asking for and handing the warlock a small leaf-wrapped bundle. Shaking his head and thus making the thick twin braids of his fiery red beard undulate side to side, the beefy warrior let out a deprecating chuckle as he grumbled on. "Ye're a disgrace to yer gender, lad. Eating elvish diet cookies like a skinny pointy-eared lassie... Bah! Is that really all ye're gonna eat for breakfast? We'll surely get to the end of our quest today, maybe we'll even have to finally do some real fighting in that Chapel of Red Bollocks, and ye're gonna have just stinky herbal tea and fancy elvish biscuits in yer belly?! Bah!"
Ignoring Uli's gruff taunting, Jadrik unfolded the leaf wrapping to reveal the stack of flatbread crackers it held inside. Breaking a corner off one of them, the warlock made a big ceremony out of bringing the elven flatbread to his grinning mouth, shrugging as the dwarf scoffed in derision all the while. As he chewed slowly on the hard, unpalatable yet hyper-nutritious morsel that would satiate him for half the day at the very least, Jadrik endured Uli's scorn with calm stoicism.
"Ye know, even the lass won't eat those silly elvish cookies," the sturdy warrior persisted, his scornful grin perceivable even under his thick red mustache. "She's very sensible, for a human. She had wild quail eggs and a wee bit of stew for breakfast, like a real woman with curves should!"
"Yeah, well... Shayla happens to be blessed with a healthy appetite, among other things," Jadrik conceded, "while I am not. And even less so in the morning. Still, just so you know, these 'silly cookies', happen to be incredibly healthy and nutritious. Just think of the piles of gold that could be made if someone discovered the exact recipe for this stuff. All the noblewomen in the Capitol would pay anything to have food that keeps them slim and well fed at the same time. Besides," he added, finally able to swallow the fabled yet not exactly savory mouthful of flatbread, "since you like elf chicks so much that you drugged one almost to death just to fuck her, you're actually the very last person who should speak against a food that's so responsible for their lithe looks."
"Pff! It's not just about their looks, lad, ye know that..." Uli replied, his gaze becoming dreamy and his kilt starting to tent as his mind started picturing sexy images of Laentharyel beautiful body accompanied by vivid memories of her sweet, amazingly tight elven pussy. "It's all about the naughty angle, ye see, the fact that fucking pointy-eared lassies is forbidden. Truth is, no matter how much we dwarfs say that elves are sissies, and no matter how much elves say that we're savages, there's always been this dirty sexual tension between our races. It's one of those 'love to hate' thingies, ye know. Well, at least between dwarf males and elf females..." Uli concluded with a chortle, elbowing the warlock just as he tried to swallow another bite of elven crackers, causing Jadrik to cough and almost choke on that obstinately dry morsel. "Can't say that dwarf lasses are too happy about this hush-hush business with forbidden elven pussy, though. Of course, we dwarf lads know better: that's why we always curse the pointy-ears in public, for appearance's sake and all, just so our women don't get jealous."
"Right," Jadrik nodded, "speaking of which, where are the girls?"
