Pete the Pirate

This is a multi-chapter work. Please start the adventure with Part 1. I will assume you know what's going on and won't tolerate comments from those who can't be bothered to start at the beginning.

~~~

I was somewhere near the Kentucky border when Liss called, interrupting my nap. She was patently unapologetic about it. She justified this by telling me that she hadn't seen or talked to me for almost 12 hours. As much as I would rather have slept for another hour or two, it felt good to have somebody want me around after I had spent most of my life running off anybody who gave a shit about me.

Xill and Kuss had given me another chance at life. Not only was I serious about keeping the death-promise that I'd made to the artificer and his wife - but this new world that I had discovered was just Grade-A bat-shit insane! And magic?! How the hell did I have magic in me?

Add to that a hot little gnome who looks like she could be the older sister to the woman who saved my life. Gods, that tiny woman could fuck like an animal! I still wasn't sure what it is she did that got me every time - but it got me every time. Just when I thought I might be able to outlast her, she'd do that little bit of magic with her vagina and - stick me with a fork - it was over!

Liss caught me up on the gossip, told me how the updates to Xill and Kuss' new cottage were going, and spent several minutes telling me how much she was looking forward to seeing me when I was on my way home from running all of Xill's errands.

Obviously, she had weaseled my entire itinerary out of one of them (probably Kuss). I was a little surprised she didn't have me on some kind of Magic 360 app that told her exactly where I was and how fast Ruby was going.

I could see how Xill would feel like all of this interaction was extra baggage that he didn't want or need but, at least for now, I was enjoying Liss' attention - especially when that attention was her pussy being snuggly wrapped around my Swiss-Army-Knife cock.

It still amazed me that Xill could create my faux-dick that felt so real - both for me and for Liss.

I guess it had felt pretty real for Lolli too. Liss said she was still pining for more of my attention. I jokingly asked the redhead if that was going to cause problems and she matter-of-factly informed me that she would "skin the bitch and hang her hide like a flag in front of the house" to keep her and any other hussy away that thought they were going to come between me and her.

We talked for probably an hour before she let me go. I told her that I wanted to familiarize myself with the details of my first stop before Ruby dumped me out near Dublin Kentucky to finish this leg of the trip on foot. (Leg ... foot ... anybody? Tough crowd.)

~~~

The upside of traveling without Xill and Kuss was that I could move at a much faster speed. When the three of us had traveled together, I could only go as fast as the gnomes could walk. On the legs that Xill had crafted, I moved so damned fast that I wasn't sure I couldn't just run across water. I guess that could be a test for later.

I grabbed my pack from the car, double-checked my map, and booked it. I only saw a couple other travelers but I slowed down well before I got to them or I would've had to worry about them stepping into my path. I was pretty sure I was going at least 60 miles an hour. I did not want to know what it would feel like to run into another person at that speed. There was still enough of my original body left that I was pretty sure I could still fuck myself up.

I slowed to a walk, greeted the dwarf, and moved past him. He grunted and ignored me. Once I was in the clear again, I moved back to top speed. Xill had listed the travel time as about an hour. I was pretty sure I finished it in just over a minute - even with having to slow down twice. The second person had been human from what I could tell. They had started to ask me something but I was already gone.

I jogged into the village and found the tinker's shop. It was much larger - and better organized - than the one from Liss' village. He already had Xill's order. He went over the items with me and I checked them off of the list that the artificer had given me. Everything was there. I took out the coin purse that was his payment, handed it over, and waited for him to confirm the sum. I texted Xill that I was done. He was a little surprised that I was already at my first stop. I replied with, "I ran." He sent back a thumbs-up emoji.

I stored the box in my magical earring and headed for the second stop. It was lunchtime and I hadn't eaten yet. Xill's guide said there was a lady here that made "meat pies". I found her shop. I spent a couple of the boss' coins and bought a pie. It was like a Hostess fruit pie - or the things from McDonald's - except 10 times the size - and stuffed with pot roast, tators, and other goodness. I burnt my damned tongue and had to take a quick swig from my canteen to make the burning stop. Of course, I was going to feel the pain for a while longer.

I had a sudden epiphany and pressed my finger to the place on my tongue that didn't have feeling anymore. My finger glowed for a moment and the burn was gone. Fucking A!

I took it more slowly. The meat pie was super-good. I went back into her shop and got a monkey-bread looking thing that was just as amazing. Since I only needed two storage spots, I thought about buying another pie and saving it for later. I felt guilty at spending Xill's money, though, and dropped the idea. I pulled up the map, found the next stop, and headed down the street.

As I walked, I pulled out the pouch that I had looted from the fucker that had grabbed Kuss. It had a couple silver coins and a handful of coppers. I guess I could've bought another pie after all.

The next stop was the smith. Xill's list included gears, springs, and some tiny pistons. I had no clue what most of the rest of it did. Once again, the smith ran through the order and I checked the items off of Xill's list. I handed over the coin purse and waited for him to nod. I texted Xill that I was headed back to the car. Kuss answered me back from her phone.

Apparently, the gnome mage had grumped to his wife that I was interrupting him too much. She said that I could keep checking in with her so that she'd know things were going well. She told me that would also make it easier for her to answer her mom's endless stream of burning questions. She sent the rolling laughy-face emoji and I couldn't help but chuckle.

I loaded the smith's box into my earring, and headed back for the edge of town. I was about to take off for the car when the phone dinged with a text from Kuss, asking me to call her.

After she confirmed that I still had the coin purse with the back-up cash, she directed me to a healer's shop. She kept me on the phone as I told the merchant my name and who I was picking the order up for. She handed me a device and told me the amount. It matched what Kuss told me. I handed over the coins, texted Kuss a picture of the item, and stored it. She confirmed that I had the right thing. Supposedly, Xill needed it for Liss' "special order" (aka, figuring out how to get my balls to work again).

I walked to the edge of town, confirmed that I was okay to leave, and - once I was clear of the watch - took off at a run.

Two would-be thieves tried to jump me - but couldn't get themselves moved into the path before I sped past where they were hiding in the tall grass. A troll waved his tree trunk club at me and jogged quickly - trying to intercept me - but gave up after he saw there was no hope of catching me.

I arrived at the parking area to find a rough looking human with a plastic strip - trying to get Ruby's door open. I looked around the area but didn't see anyone else. I scanned him with the eye-patch but he didn't seem to have anything magical about him.

He was so intent on his work - which - apparently - wasn't working - that he hadn't even noticed me standing there. I sent a stun at him and he dropped like a sack of potatoes. I dragged his limp body into the grass and rifled through his pockets. I left him his wallet but took the Jackson and two singles. He had a shit switchblade. I started to whip it into the weeds and decided to take it to Xill instead. Maybe he could use it for parts. I took his cheesy car-jack tool and threw it into the trunk as I stored away the items from my earring. I closed the lid and Ruby opened the door so I could hop in.

Kuss called and asked me about the carjacker. She said that Ruby had notified her about him just before I arrived - which is why she hadn't let me know. I told her that I'd stunned him, looted his stuff, and left him in the weeds. She seemed relieved. I told her not to bother mentioning it to her mother and she informed me that I must not have spent enough time with the gnome woman if I thought ANYTHING escaped her. I laughed; so did Kuss.

Ruby pulled up the next destination: Fifty-Six, Arkansas. Who the hell picks these names?! I had five hours to waste.

Liss called before we'd even turned onto the parkway at Wingo. We talked for an hour. She told me that I'd probably get to the next stop after the shops had closed. She said she had talked to Kuss about my options. My choices were: sleep in Ruby, find a motel, or make my way to the village and stay at one of the inns.

I checked the time for dusk and I'd have about an hour's worth of good light between the time I parked and when I wanted to be at the village. I asked Liss what she knew about the hag that Xill had mentioned.

Liss didn't know much more than what Xill had told me. She said the hag was probably some toothless female that was too ugly to attract a man and had turned to witchcraft to snag herself a cock now and then. I wasn't sure how much of that was true but I wasn't sure I wanted to chance it with darkness coming.

Unfortunately, Liss had no idea whether the hag was more likely to be on the prowl in the morning or the evening. She did some kind of magical Google search but the reports from the watch were inconclusive about any patterns the hedge-witch followed.

Liss told me to get some rest. She asked me to call her back when I got there.

~~~

Ruby parked and I checked over my pack, my instructions, and my gear. I got the harmonica out, hooked the lanyard to it, and gave Liss a call.

She talked to me as I ran. It was around 7pm. I could have just used my magical-ear to talk to her but I had the phone to my real (right) ear.

As I sprinted down the path, I saw someone sitting just off to the side. I kept my speed up and leapt into the air. I reached the apex about the time I cleared the woman. She was crouched atop a wide-eyed man who wasn't moving. Based on her movements - and the fact that she was holding her skirt in her arms - I would say that she was fucking herself silly on his unconscious willy.

A siren-song called out to me. Had I been on my feet, I would have had little choice but to stop. Since, however, I was airborne - and about 20 feet above her head - my flight-path carried me past her without hesitation.

She fucked my landing though. I hit feet-first - which broke my fall - but I hadn't escaped the range of her vocal attack until just before gravity finished its work. I wasn't sure how bad I looked - but I felt like shit. It took me a little bit to get myself healed up. After that, I followed Liss' screams until I found my phone. Kuss' mother was halfway to the spider-wood by the time I got her settled down. I have no clue how she thought she was going to get here to save me - but she had been determined that she'd find a way. She told me to get my ass moving again. I grabbed my pack, checked to make sure I hadn't lost anything, and took off at about half my top speed.

Liss told me to check in with the watch when I got to the village. She told me the pertinent details that I needed to relay to them. I finally just handed the man my phone and then answered his questions after Liss had finished bending his ear. He returned my phone, thanked me for the information, and went to find a posse so they could see about rescuing the poor fucker. (Fucker. Get it? Har!)

Liss told me which inn to go to. She told me to make sure I got a hot bath and finished tending my injuries. She had me hand the phone to the innkeeper. When he returned it, he directed me to find a table. He'd call the waitress and she'd make sure I had what I needed.

An older human woman came over, listed a couple options for the meal, and took my drink order. She explained that - while I was in the bath - they'd have someone clean and repair my clothes. She gave me a price for everything and I laid the coins on the table. She scooped them into her apron pocket and headed off to get my food.

About the time I finished eating, the gentleman from the watch, that I'd talked to earlier, stuck his head in the front door and then came to see me. He thanked me again for the tip. They had rescued the man but the hag had run off. He took my name, shook my hand, and left.

The waitress showed me to the washroom. I undressed and passed her my mud and grass-stained clothes around the door. I woke up when the serving girl brought my clothes back. She averted her eyes, dropped off my things, and retreated from the room. I finished scrubbing up, rinsed, climbed out, dried off, and got dressed.

Back out front, the innkeeper handed me a numbered key and pointed to the stairs. I found the matching number plate, unlocked the door, and walked into the small frugally-attired room. I locked the door, placed the key on the desk, and tumbled onto the bed.

I'm not sure how long I slept before Liss' incessant calls finally stirred me out of my nap. I was lying on top of the blankets, still fully-clothed. I stripped, climbed into bed, and tried to stay awake long enough to answer her questions through my magical-ear.

She finally gave up, told me she loved me, and demanded that I call her first thing in the morning. Actually, I don't remember that part - but that's what she told me - early the next morning - when she called to yell at me for not calling her.

Breakfast was some kind of oatmeal with honey or something on it. It should not have tasted as good as it did. Liss told me that I was still recovering from nearly fucking myself over and my body was just happy that I was alive. I couldn't really argue with her logic.

I told her that I was looking forward to feeling her arms around me (and sucking on her fat titties) and she finally let me go to continue with Xill's errands.

The waitress from the night before was still there. I slipped her a couple extra coins on my way out of the door. The innkeeper had placed the key on the rack for the rooms that were waiting to be cleaned.

Xill's stop in this town was another tinker of some kind. Once more, I confirmed the order, handed over the money, waited for the merchant's approval, and texted Kuss that I was on the move. She told me that there probably wouldn't be anyplace to get food at the stop in Missouri. She advised me to grab a couple meals before I left town.

My favorite gnome healer had a couple suggestions. It was only mid-morning, so nobody was really serving lunch yet. She sent me to a place that had ready-made foods that I could buy. These were better than travel-rations - more like cold-cut sandwiches. I nibbled the edge of the bread and told her it wasn't anything close to hers. She giggled and thanked me for the compliment. I asked the merchant for a small box, put the half-dozen sandwiches inside and left the shop.

Once I had Xill's crate of gadgets and gismos and my to-go food-order stored away, I headed back to the path to return to Ruby. I dialed up Liss and we talked as I ran. She told me that she'd already tasked Xill with giving me an earpiece for my right ear that would let me control the volume or - in some way - give me the ability to block out the hag's siren-song.

I saw no sign of the hedge-witch - or anybody else - on the way and was sitting, safely, in Ruby a few minutes later. The magical Prius set our next destination for Roby Missouri - ETA 3 hours.

I caught Liss up on everything I'd done in Arkansas. She was thankful that her daughter had had the forethought to warn me to grab food for my next stop. We chatted for quite a while before I yawned one too many times and she told me to catch a cat-nap. I assured her that the only kitty I was interested in was hers and she purred at me - and then told me to rest up because her cougar coochie was hungry for more of my milk.

~~~

Ruby alerted me that I needed to be waking up. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and looked over Xill's guide as I ate one of the sandwiches, washing it down with water from my canteen - which was always ice-cold - another of the artificer's inventions.

Xill had given me two boxes of canned-goods to use for trading stock to get the raw resources that he wanted from the miners. I pulled out the box of sandwiches and tucked the chocolates in there, storing them away again. I put Xill's boxes in the other two storage-slots. My plan was that I would free up space by pulling out the food - and that would leave me room to store the ore.

The terrain here didn't lend itself to the pace I had used at my last two stops. However, I still made use of my legs. I jumped down the trail or leapt up the sides of the steep paths. In this way, I still made better time than Xill had estimated.

Not sure exactly what I was looking for, I was halfway past the first mine when an angry voice called out for me to "go the fuck away". Of course, I did the opposite. Assuming his shotgun was loaded, I took out a sandwich, held it up, and yelled, "I have food. I'm looking for tin and copper for Xill the Artificer."

The sandwich earned me safe passage to the man's small campsite. He was short. He wasn't a gnome and he didn't really match my idea of a dwarf - but he had tin and copper - and he thoroughly enjoyed my peace-offering.

Having no idea what anything was worth - and trusting that Xill had meant what he'd said when he told me to trade it all for whatever I could get - the miner and I reached an agreement that we could both live with. He got one box of food - and two more sandwiches. He emptied the box of canned-goods and refilled it with tin and copper. He shook my hand and I stored it away.

For the price of one more sandwich, he gave me directions on how to find his brother's camp. I handed over his reward and headed off. A half-hour later, I found another dwarf with a shotgun. I got the next to the last sandwich out, held it aloft, and told him his brother's name.

Another half-hour later, he had my last sandwich and the rest of the canned goods - and I had another box of tin and copper.

As he devoured the sandwich, he asked if I had anything else to trade. I pulled out the chocolate bars and his eyes lit up. He said he had a few grams of silver and gold. There was no cell-service so I couldn't check with Xill. I offered half of the chocolate. He took the deal. I hit his brother up with the rest of the chocolate on the way back to Ruby and he made the same trade.

As Ruby set the destination for the parking place in Iowa that was closest to Liss' village, I called Kuss and told her about my trades. She was sure that Xill was going to be happy. She told me that gold had a few uses but that the silver was super-useful for lots of things.

Once I hung up with the daughter, I called the flame-haired gnome and told her that I should be in her arms in a few more hours. We talked for a while and then she told me she needed to hang up so that she could get started on fixing our dinner. I asked her if she'd had time to get the bed fixed and she assured me that it was repaired and reinforced - and waiting for my best attempt to break it once more. I blew her kisses, hung up, and closed my eyes.