Jae: Worst Jedi Ever

***

Sarkopheros Says:

Update: I'm leaving the original foreword intact, but I want you to know that yes, I have written more of this series!

Okay, this one needs a fairly extensive foreword, because I've never written anything like it before. Not that reading this is necessary. Skip over it if you want.

If you haven't read my smut before, oh boy. Wow. My erotica is largely based on gonzo insanity. Ludicrous proportions, cum inflation, hyper cocks, cervical penetration, stomach bulging, and a slough of other things.

Jae's stories are even worse about it than Brod's. If you haven't read one of his stories, you might not know what to expect. What you need to know is that this entire universe operates based on mescaline, hentai physics, and the assumption that people are made of latex.

In this one, I've decided to make Jae a Jedi, because I've been playing SWTOR a lot and had the idea for this story. It seemed funny, so I sat down and wrote it. It's a story about how Jae is the worst Jedi ever. Jedi Jae is several times more hung than normal Jae. Explanation is at the end.

People more ingrained in the Star Wars canon than I will likely find canonical errors. My own knowledge of the EU isn't terribly huge, so most of what I know is from the game, and even then it's incomplete. In some cases, I've even ignored facts I

know

about the canon for the sake of comedy. So let's just pretend that my unintentional mistakes were intentional and caused by me trying (poorly) to be funny, shall we? However, I am very much open to constructive criticism, and if you think I made a mistake unintentionally, feel free to point it out.

Because names in SW are often goofy or sound completely made-up, I've done the same thing with names here. So that's why the names are odd. Except for Shan, any resemblance to the name of a canon or other character/person is coincidental.

On with the story.

***

The massive doors to the council chamber opened, and in he came ... or a part of him came, anyway.

Grand Master Shan sighed in exasperation. She began reciting the same words she'd said innumerable times before.

There is no emotion, there is peace...

.

The source of her current dismay was the gargantuan phallus waggling its way into the chamber. The phallus was a golden, honeyed tan in coloration, and was well over two meters long. Under it, nearly sweeping the floor, swung a pair of testicles each of which was a good meter in breadth.

Oh, and the genitals were also attached to a man. A male human who carried his ludicrous endowment slung over his shoulder like a sack of tubers. While he wore boots, a Jedi's ... robe? And a utility belt complete with a pair of lightsabers, that was

all

he was wearing.

Just as Republic law allowed aliens to wear clothing adapted to their physiology or culture without persecution, Jae wore clothing adapted to his. Thus, it was illegal to force some of the dignity he lacked onto him.

Predictably, he walked over to Satele and flopped his cock onto the table next to her.

WHUMP.

The entire table shuddered.

"Sup, Master Shan," he said, smiling genially at her.

Shan collected her thoughts and facepalmed. Mentally, at least. Jedi Grand Masters must always keep composure, after all! Despite the fact that a cock bigger than she was had just been plopped onto her table.

"Jae, I called you here ... is that a bathrobe?"

Jae looked down. "Yeah, I'm sorry. All my robes need to be cleaned, and I didn't have a chance to go to the Jedi store. They're all crusted with dry—"

"I'm sure you have a good reason," interrupted the Grand Master. "I called you here to discuss a mission we need you to undertake," she said. At least his bathrobe wasn't encrusted with the DNA of assorted species as his

actual

Jedi robes surely were. It was, honestly, a wonder his weapons were even functional with all the fluid they got exposed to.

The knight nodded. "I figured

something

was going on if you were allowing me back in the council chamber."

No one would ever forget

that

day.

Shan nodded and said, "We received a list of the crew on board an Imperial dreadnought. Usually, they aren't very important."

Jae nodded. "Okay."

"But this one is strange because the crew is all female. We believe it may be related to intel we received concerning a possible Imperial measure to increase the birth rate of Force users."

"So you want me to go check it out?"

"Yes, because the last thing we need is more Sith. There are also rumors that the ship is transporting some experimental droids." Satele looked up at him. "Find out what is going on with that ship, Jae."

"I can do that," he said. "But first, don't you think I should—"

Shan narrowed her eyes. "Do

not

hold another 'special training class' for the female padawans, Jae!"

Jae sighed and bowed his head. "I'll take care of your dreadnought, Master Shan, you'll see. I'll make you proud."

She stood and put her hand on his shoulder. The one that he hadn't slung his cock over. On the plus side, today he didn't reek like a brothel on Nar Shaddaa. "May the Force be with you, Jae."

Jae bowed back, pulled his obscenity off the table, and left.

***

Four black-armored Imperial troopers stood near the docking port. The tallest one turned her helmet over in her hands. Her brown hair was up in a neat bun, which would have been squashed had she been wearing her helmet, and clearly, fashionable hair was far more important than head-protection. "Why do our helmets look like buckets?"

"Everybody's wondering the same thing, Kalice," answered the short blonde, whose nametag said Tamia.

"I wonder if they came from a bucket factory?" asked Kalice.

A redhead was nearby. Her armor was uniquely customized—it completely lacked anything resembling a chestplate. The empire was very willing to spend billions of credits building hundred-meter statues of sith and building kilometers-long dreadnoughts that no one asked for. It was also quite happy to bankroll one particular sith's idea for a droid that shot pizzas out of its chest. But buying proper armor for the infantry was just so

provincial.

Instead of chest armor, which would have never fit over her gargantuan tits, she'd just stuck each fat mammary into a helmet. One of the helmets had "Dessa" scrawled across it with silver marker. She said, "Maybe the helmets look like buckets so we can take bail out of the ship if it sinks."

Kalice shook her head. "How would ... huh?"

The fourth girl, who had tan skin and jet-black hair, spoke up. "Even if the ship crashed in an ocean, how would you bail all that water out?"

"Oh yeah, can you think of a better way, Weni?"

KLANG. KLANG.

There was a knock on the hatch. All of them turned towards it.

"Who is that?" asked Kalice.

Tamia shrugged. "How the hell should I know? Go open it and find out."

Kalice walked over and keyed open the door. The pad chirped and it swung out with a groan. She was greeted by—

WHUMP.

Something massive and heavy fell on top of her, pinning her down, fleshy and hot, heavy as a hutt!

Her partner stood dumbfounded as her friend flailed under a dewback-sized cock. It was attached to a Jedi. Or, at least, a muscular guy wearing a bathrobe and not much else. The robe exposed a set of solid abs and a flat, broad chest.

The guard on the ground continued to writhe, trying to wrestle the organ off of her, but was plainly too heavy.

Tamia asked, "Who are you supposed to be?"

Jae said, "I'm a Jedi."

Tamia jabbed her finger at his "uniform." "No you're not, that's just a bathrobe!"

Weni held her helmet up and began talking into it. "We need backup near starboard docking port 4C. A hobo with a huge dick just boarded the ship."

Jae lifted the sides of the bathrobe and said, "Check out these lightsabers, girl." He lifted his arms, and the sabers floated into the air on either side of him, humming to life, red-orange blades burning bright. "Yeah, if I'm not a Jedi, explain

that.

"

"Okay, fine, you're a damn Jedi, whoop-dee-ding-dong," said Tamia. "Why are you on my ship wearing a bathrobe? That is not appropriate attire."

The Jedi's lightsabers turned off, and he returned them to his belt. "All my Jedi robes are getting cleaned. Anyway, our uniforms all look like bathrobes anyway, just brown," he said.

"Granted," said Tamia, looking down at Kalice as she kept struggling with the weight of the titanic organ. She grabbed handfuls of its foreskin and tried to roll it off of her.

Weni looked at him and said, "I didn't know the Republic was genetically engineering weapons of mass destruction." She put her blaster down and walking to the head of his cock. It looked wider than her shoulders. She bent over and hefted the cock's glans with both hands. Jae raised his own, and the ridiculous organ lifted off the poor trooper.

Kalice clawed away from it and gasped for air. "

Aaaauuugh!

What the hell?!" she yelled, then sputtered and began licking her lips. "I can taste it!" she complained at the Jedi and his monstrosity. "Ooh. I can taste it...." She continued licking her lips.

Dessa let out an excited chirp and jumped up onto the base of the Jedi's ludicrous organ, helmets bobbing as she sat. "I've never met a real Jedi before!" She reached up and touched his face. "You seem cooler than they said!"

"Sup, girl? I'm Jae. You're cute," he said, smiling and shaking her hand. "What's up with these helmets?"

"Normal armor won't fit!" she whined. "Wow, are all Jedi as big as you?"

"Only me," Jae said.

"How did you get here?"

"They shot me out of a torpedo tube," he answered.

"Yeah, right. Holy shit, you're not even hard," observed Kalice. The three other women were all standing near the massive glans as a melon-sized glob of precum rolled out of its mouth.

"You could fix that, girl," suggested the Jedi. His massive organ rose up like a serpent. The women gasped and moved backward.

"What the hell kind of cock is that?!" yelled Tamia. "How are you human?!"

Jae shrugged. "It's a Jae cock. I'm human, just better endowed, girl. Plus, I can use the Force to do cool stuff." As he peered past Dessa, his cock's belly swelled and a broad jet of precum blasted from its mouth.

SPLLLRSSCCHH!

Steaming-hot slime saturated the ladies. It coated their armor thickly, dripping down their plating and into a pool under them.

Kalice wiped a handful of slime from her face. Tamia began licking at it.

"

Mmmhh,

" she hummed. "This isn't as nasty as I thought."

A hot, heady smell began to radiate from that hot puddle of pre, literally steaming in the cool interior of the ship. The ladies began to lick their lips as it invaded their nostrils—the strong, sordid smell of virility.

Gloorp. Grrmmbbbll.

Jae's balls began to rumble and sag lower as they swelled. "Come on, you gotta be curious to see me hard," he said to the women present.

He looked up. Jae didn't understand why capital ships were so capacious inside. The ceiling was a good four or five stories above him. Wasn't space at a premium on board a space vessel? Regardless, the Jedi predicted that all this empty space would come in handy.

But he wasn't looking to see how high the ceiling was—he was looking for what was

on

the ceiling.

"Well, I guess it couldn't hurt. But we're going to have to arrest you, Jedi scum," said Kalice.

He shrugged at her. "Okay, but later." There it was. Set into the bulkhead, not the ceiling. An intake for the ship's ventilation system.

First, Tamia began to undo her cuirass. Then, Kalice began to fiddle with her boots. The troopers began to strip down, exposing their toned bodies.

Dessa groaned and whined as she tried to take the helmets off of her massive tits. "

Ugh

, these things are too small!" she complained.

"It's almost as if helmets weren't meant to be worn on your bloody tits," suggested Tamia.

"Let me help," said Jae. He gestured.

POP! POP!

The helmets flew away and—

FLUMP.

"Holy shit." Those tits were about twice the size of the helmets, each one like a watermelon! Fat nipples as big as his thumbs sprung free. "How the fuck did you put your tits in there? Are you a wizard?" he asked.

Dessa giggled. "No, I'm from Dromund Kaas!"

Jae felt cold hardness as his balls swelled heavily enough to touch the floor. He put a hand on Dessa's back and lifted his leg. The gigantic flesh-melons slipped back behind him.

The three women knelt by his glans and began to fondle it. Tamia slipped her hands under the foreskin and licked her lips as pints of hot semen began to leak out. But she stared in confusion as she pulled out a bright orange object which turned out to be a bikini.

Likewise, the other two began to pull out assorted undergarments with lewd squishing.

Squilsch.

Squilsch-squelsch.

Their arms became coated with white seed, and they began to look more and more confused.

"Yeah, sorry about that," apologized Jae.

"I'd be more surprised if those things

weren't

there!" chirped Dessa, bouncing happily on his cock as she peeled off more and more armor. "Where else would you keep them?"

"Good point," Jae chuckled and began to help her with the task, rubbing his hands over her tits. "Smooth like a neutron star," he commented.

At the front of his cock, Tamia began to massage and knead the thick, fleshy lobes around the cock's mouth. The other two women began to rub against it, their delicate fingers tracing up the backside of the glans as they began to lick. The monstrous organ responded by beginning to grow, leg-thick veins bloating along its surface as the head pushed forward, creeping centimeter by centimeter across the plating.

Fresh, boiling-hot precum poured by the liter from the tip and into their waiting mouths. The moaning women began to slather handfuls of the slickness all over the dome of the organ as it slithered forward.

CHRRRRRMBBBLL.

The gigantic testes swelled and rippled as sperm multiplied within. The Jedi let out a growl and sat back against his growing nuts. His coarse hands wrapped under Dessa's ass and he picked her up as marbles of white sweetness began to roll down her gigantic tits. His lips wrapped around one of those fat nipples. Hot milk filled his mouth and rolled down his throat as he drank from her, the other tit pouring the whiteness over his chest and soaking into his robe.

His ludicrous cock pushed forward across the cool tiles. His nuts rose behind him, each now big enough for an astromech droid to fit comfortably inside. The ladies kept having to scoot and step back as the phallus grew.

"Holy shit, you can stop, already!" yelled Tamia.

Kalice looked up the length of his cock, like a honey-tan highway stretching out toward the Jedi's chiseled abs. It was over four meters and still growing! And that

smell!

His cock sprayed hot liters of slime all over them once more, waggling its head back and forth.

The fluid rolled down their bodies. The heat seemed to collect between their legs. Each of them grew more wet, more needy, mounds plumping with arousal.

Jae sighed as he smelled them. It was just such a delicious scent.

There was a

clomp-clomp-clomp!

Dozens of troopers descended upon them from halls on either side of the room. Armor rattled, weapons came out. All those blasters were aimed right at him.

"Halt, stop—what...?"

"Um."

The lady-troopers all stared for a long moment at the scene before them.

"Is that a Jedi?"

"No, that's a hobo. Who else walks around in only a bathrobe?"

"I don't think he can wear pants even if he wanted to."

Tamia, Kalice, and Weni looked around at their comrades. Dessa, of course, was giggling like mad as the Jedi sucked down her milk. He pulled his lips away from her gigantic tit and looked around the room, more of the trooper's milk pouring down his body.

"I'm flattered by the welcoming committee, ladies," he said.

"We need help!" cried Weni.

"Yeah, you idiots, don't just stand there, take your clothes off!" yelled Tamia.

His cock was still partially soft ... enough for him to curve its glans to one side, then the other.

GLOOOOOORCH!

A bright arc of clear, boiling-hot slime blasted all over the gathered audience. Bath-tubs worth of fluid drenched their armor. Some of the women fell back. Some shielded themselves.

TSEW! TSEW!

Bright bolts lanced toward him from a few of those blasters. Jae's lightsabers were already out, buzzing, deflecting the blasts away from everyone, blasting smoking holes into the bulkheads.

A metallic voice came from one of them. "By the Force, can you

smell

that?!"

"Oh god, it's in my uniform!"

A woman collapsed. "Oh, it's so hot!"

One by one, helmets began to pop off. Jae smiled.

Who needs the mind trick, anyway?

he mused.

Piles of black armor grew. Bodies were exposed. Military-honed women began to move toward him. Precum kept gushing from his cock in an arc, clear fluid rolling out over the deck's plating. The ladies walked through the pool towards him.

Many of them knelt on either side of his cock. They scooped up handfuls of the steaming pre and slathered it all over themselves. Messy hands rubbed over glistening flesh. Soft breasts were shining. Fingers slipped between freshly-coated thighs. Women used their mouths to gather up more of the precious fluid. They groped and oiled each other. Moans echoed in the room as they wrestled each other into the pool, clear ropes sticking them together.

Some used it to lube up his cock, massaging and polishing his flesh with the pre as if it were fine oil. The Jedi let out a pleased groan. Entire bodies were used to oil his member, women clambering up its sides and swarming over its titanic length. The troopers climbed up on top of his pulsing organ and began to grind against it. Finally, he felt himself reach his full size.

"This thing is like a space worm!" moaned one of the women. Six meters of gargantuan cock, the fattest part looking to be maybe one and a half across. So fat the women couldn't get their arms around it. So long than three or four of them end to end may have equaled its length. So massive it would take dozens of them just to move it.

His balls gurgled as they grew behind him, each one jiggling as its height surpassed his own. Some of the ladies were kind enough to rub, slip, and slide against his balls, kissing and licking. He could feel it as some of the Imperials climbed up on top. They grabbed handfuls of the thick, loose flesh and clambered upon them. It was difficult with how slippery the fluids were, but they managed.

The slick hoards were grinding and rubbing against his absurd manhood, groaning and licking and kneading. His precum rolled over their feet, the huge, metallic room filling with that scent. His balls sent vibrations through the floor as they grew behind him, radiating heat that warmed the whole compartment. His organ's veins were of a proper size for its bulk, meaning they rivaled the thighs and waists of the women in thickness. They provided handholds and leverage for ladies to climb atop his organ. Two of them were clinging to the glans, pumping their fists in and out of its mouth to stimulate it into releasing more of that sweet slime.

GRRMMBBBLL. GRRNNOOONGH!

A metallic groan as his balls pushed aside a couple of the huge metal containers sitting in the room. Dessa cooed and ground her hips against his cock, against one of the veins pumping under her. Her milk spilled all over his body as he sucked a mouthful of tit-flesh, covering him in white-hot sweetness that wasn't his own.