I sit myself down before my computer, logon, and go for a Google search. It's a long time since I've felt so buoyed up and full of myself, I keep grinning like a loon but I've got good reason. I've just won the lottery! Not the big one, not millions but I'm not going to turn up my nose at a half a million am I? So how do I celebrate? Well I've got almost no family so I've no gifts for them and I've already started to make plans for a booze up with my mates but I reckon I'm allowed to treat myself to something special, and just then I've finished typing and pressed enter key.
My monitor screen fills with line after line all showing the same offering, Escort Agencies, and how to meet their beautiful girls. I'm fifty but my equipment still works fine so what better way to enjoy my good luck than with a beautiful young lady, who will make her own deal with me when we get together, and a little or a lot of bedtime fun to follow. The lists are endless and I skip from site to site looking for something special, since money is no object. Next on the list, The Celestial Spheres Escort Agency, the printing's weird but readable and I wonder whether I've found a Russian firm, but no, I've marked Google as U.K. pages only so I click on it.
My monitor screen goes into a whirlpool of colour then pulses before settling into a sharp, clear, focus. Pictures of women is what I expected but most of the squares are blank, others carry what looks like cartoon figures and I click on one out of curiosity. A message appears. You are not authorised to access this segment of this site. So I'm about to move to the next on the list when I notice a picture of a severe but to me attractive lady. I click on it and I get a full size photo of Selene, a rather, as I've said , severe looking lass, but the high cheekbones and tilted oriental eyes coupled with the wide, thin lipped mouth does it for me. Her body, strangely for a site like this is fully clothed in some kind of leotard with legs and a hooded cloak thrown over her shoulders, but her lean form suits me fine so I move on to the what next part. There's a phone number to ring and talk to. One of our confidential advisors. That stumps me for a moment because it's nineteen digits and I can't figure out who has nineteen in their number. Selene however has got me determined that if I'm paying for my fun she's the one to turn me on, so, picking up my phone, I tap out the digits. I hear the strangest sounds I've never heard before coming down the line, bleeps, bongs, and whistles then a voice speaks in a foreign language. Pardon, I say, and a hollow voice booms, translation circuits activated, and this time I hear things clearly.
"This is your advisor Kumar how can I help you?"
Jesus these call centres must all be in India nowadays.
"I'd like to book Selene please if she's available."
A moments silence then a number of clicks and hums.
"Yes Selene is free, when would you like to see her?"
When? Well right now if possible but I offer this Friday night as giving me time to make arrangements, so now the question of cost from Kumar.
"Our fixed rate of five hundred plounds applies and you must make your own deal with Selene."
Plounds? Must be a glitch on the line or a speech impediment but that sounds peanuts so I go for it before he changes the charge upwards.
"Pay by slide card Mr Carson?"
Slide card? He must mean swipe card and I wonder if I should offer my card details to an unknown firm, but hell, I've got half a million and one of my accounts only has a little over five hundred quid in it so I use that card and book the slender Selene for this Friday. Kumar takes the details and apparently, wherever he is, my bank is acceptable. After giving my full name and address with many other details I ask Kumar the big question, off the record, and Kumar unbends.
"Selene is most accommodating and really enjoys her work sir, I'm sure she will prove most enjoyable."
I've rung on Monday morning so I've got till Friday to prepare, already booked a couple of weeks holiday, my boss doesn't mind as things are quiet and now I'll get the main bedroom ready for Selene. Don't want her to think I'm a slob so I dust, vacuum, and polish until things gleam. I won't be embarrassed by the room anyway, since you spend a third of your life in bed it might as well be a comfortable place and I've spent a few pounds on this room. Expensive carpet and king-sized bed, sleeps two but can play four so fine for just Selene and me. The walls are panelled in hardwood and many small spotlights illuminate it at night so I'll be happy to entertain here. I'll sleep in my spare room and leave this one pristine for my visitor. On Tuesday morning there's a confirmation Email waiting for me from Celestial but strangely no senders EMail address. While online I monitor my card account and find one strange deduction, at just about the right time for it to be Celestial there's a sum of Β£1.73p paid to something called Zonar holdings. I'm beginning to wonder if this is all a wind up but if it is I can't think why they'd do it take that little cash off me. One thing that is in the Email is a direct line number to Kumar should I need to contact him and this one has twenty three digits!
I decide to give him a bell and this time, after the queer sounds are over, I get Kumar straight away. In English, then I hit him with my question.
"Kumar where the hell's your call centre and where's Celestial as well?"
An icy silence for a long moment then he falls into defensive formality.
"I'm not authorised to tell you sir I'll have to pass you to my superior, please hold."
No clonks and bonks I get smoothly through to a smooth sounding boss man.
"Kasmor speaking sir I understand you have some questions, but first might I ask you how you contacted us?"
No problem, so I tell him his site's right there on the internet for all to see.
"Hmmmmm! There may have been a glitch sir I'm not sure we're authorised to operate where you come from."
He's not getting away that easy, the Email told me I'd entered into an enforceable contract and they've got my Β£1.73p so I want Selene at my home on Friday and I tell him so.
"Please hold sir I must talk to MY superior." So patiently I wait while some very weird music plays over the line.
I can't take much more of these whining musical notes but just then Mr Kasmor comes back on the line.