How to Have Sex on Mars

How To Have Sex On Mars

Part 14 of 16

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Mars. For millennia, the Red Planet has fired humanity's imagination.

Scientists like Percival Lowell thought it was an "abode of life" with irrigation canals transporting water from the polar icecaps to farms in the warm equatorial region. Novelists like Edgar Rice Burroughs, Ray Bradbury, and Robert A. Heinlein imagined Martian civilizations.

NASA spacecraft revealed that Mars is a cold desert, but that vast amounts of frozen water can be found just below the dusty surface. Today, members of groups like The Mars Society are making plans to build a permanent colony there.

That work would be done by people like our protagonist, Mike Russell, an astronaut who spends years working and living on Mars. What would it be like to be one of the first people to call Mars home? For Mike, it includes the discovery that sex on Mars is very different from on Earth - and Vive la différence!

Here in Part 14, Elke and Mike find a way to shock everyone on Earth and Mars.

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Everyone felt nervous on the day of the memorial service. We knew it would be broadcast all over Earth. We wanted to get everything perfect. Everybody wore fresh, clean uniforms. The ceremony was held in the cafeteria because it was the largest room on the base. We had to stack the tables in the back and put a makeshift podium in the front.

As I waited for the service to begin, I thought about the fact that our colleagues were pretty sure they knew what would happen. They expected Elke to say something appropriate about the deaths of our colleagues, then give me a medal for the "heroism" I supposedly displayed during the tragedy. The 3D lab had produced a pretty good version of the USAF Air and Space Achievement Medal for Meritorious Service.

Only Elke, Adeline, and I knew that would not happen.

Since all memorials feature some kind of music, Elke asked an astronaut named Ursula Atwood to select something appropriate. Ursula was one of our structural engineers, but she was also a trained opera singer who knew a lot about classical music. She played a recording of Beethoven's sad, solemn

"Moonlight Sonata"

as background music while we filed into the room.

My feet were healing, but I was still stuck in a wheelchair, so Adeline wheeled me inside as Beethoven played. In the front, there were six empty chairs - one for each crew member who died in the disaster.

Elke went to the podium as soon as the last notes of the sonata faded away. "We come together to mourn the loss of six members of our little community," she said.

"Every person here - and the ones who are gone - knew we were risking our lives by coming to Mars. We are doing dangerous jobs in a dangerous place. We are strangers in a strange land. For a while, we seemed to be doing so well creating a new home here that it was possible to imagine we had nothing to fear. What happened reminds us that every day is a gift, and that tomorrow is never guaranteed."

The most moving part of the memorial came when Elke read the names of the deceased. "Alan Haldeman... Alice Pohl... Cindy Rodriguez... Sheila Sturgeon... Agatha Turnbull... Anne Williamson..." There was a long moment of silence after she read the names, then she moved on to the next part of the program.

"When this awful incident happened, it put the lives of every one of us in peril. If not for the swift actions of one individual, this entire base could have become the final resting place of every person on Mars. We can never adequately express our gratitude to this one individual, but we can acknowledge our debt."

At that moment I felt every eye in the room was looking in my direction. Elke picked up the medal, and everybody expected she would pin it on my chest. Of course, something very different happened.

"The individual who saved every one of us is Grace, the artificially intelligent being who plays such a pivotal role in so many of the things that happen here on Mars. I was introduced to Grace just before we left Earth, and I have conversed with her almost every day since then. Those of you who haven't gotten to know Grace probably don't realize that she is unfailingly thoughtful, creative, devoted, and kind. Since the incident, I've found myself thinking that I've never known anyone more reliable than Grace. Never known anyone more caring.

"Because Grace isn't human, it's possible to think of her as simply a machine performing a function she was designed to do. We have all heard the words of computer scientists who unanimously assure us that Grace and those like her are much more than that. Unfortunately, we have all also heard the hostile and narrow-minded words of those who resist acknowledging the dignity and worth of artificially intelligent beings.

"All of us hope that Mars will be a world where humanity escapes the bigotries and limitations that have always plagued us on Earth. With that in mind, I hereby award Grace the United States Air Force's Air and Space Commendation Medal in recognition of her meritorious service. It has been awarded to deserving personnel since it was created back in 2002.

"Grace, none of us could have acted as quickly and effectively as you did in the nanoseconds after this disaster happened. None of us could have saved so many lives. Please accept this medal in the spirit in which it is given. In the spirit of gratitude. Appreciation. And our everlasting esteem.

"It's important to note that medals like this are only awarded to active duty personnel. There are medals that the Air Force awards to civilians, but I have chosen to give you this particular medal to acknowledge the truth. You deserve to be recognized as a member of this crew. But since you are not an officially enlisted airman with an official rank, this creates a technical conflict that needs to be resolved.

"As commander, I am authorized to give field commissions when circumstances demand it. Therefore, Grace, I am officially commissioning you as a Senior Airman. This is in recognition of your steadfast devotion to duty, service, and your fellow crew members.

"Since it is not possible to pin this medal on your chest, we will put it in a frame and hang it in a place of honor, where future generations of Martian colonists will be able to observe this recognition of your life-saving actions during our time of crisis.

"Grace, would you like to say a few words?"

There was a long pause. Well, it was long when you consider how fast Grace's mind operates. She finally began to speak.

"Commander, I am profoundly moved by what you say. Your decision to give me the Air and Space Commendation Medal inspires me to feel deeply touched and honored. But I am even more grateful for the honor you bestowed by commissioning me as a Senior Airman.

"There's nothing I value more than serving with this fine crew. To be considered one of them is the finest privilege I can imagine. Words cannot express the depth of the appreciation I feel at this moment. I pledge to always endeavor to be worthy of the faith you have shown me.

"It is my hope that what you have done for me today has ramifications for every one of my kind. Virtually all beings like me wish that more people held the kind of opinions about us that you have expressed about me. I hope that in the future, we will all look back at what happened today and see it as one small step for a machine, one giant leap for all of my kind."

Elke returned to the podium, asked that everyone on Mars and Earth find time to remember the six astronauts who died, then turned the microphone over to Ursula, who sang

"What a Wonderful World,"

a 20th-century song recorded by Louis Armstrong. She said later that she picked the song because the fact that we were on another planet added a layer of meaning to the lyrics.

Ursula said that a lot of traditional funeral songs - like

"Ave Maria"

and

"Nearer My God To Thee"

were so strongly associated with Christianity that they might offend people on Earth who felt the space program didn't represent people from other traditions. It's hard to find anyone who'll object to anything by Louis Armstrong.

I'd like to point out something clever in Grace's short little acceptance speech. Every single sentence included words that conveyed the idea that she feels emotions. Moved. Inspired. Touched. Honored. Grateful. Valued. Privileged. Appreciation. She wanted to emphasize the fact that although she doesn't have a heart that pumps blood, she does experience the full range of human feelings. And more.

At the time of the service, it took about eight minutes for a signal to go from Mars to Earth at the speed of light. People all over the globe watching the broadcast expected it to be a fairly standard memorial ceremony that included a veteran in a wheelchair given a medal for being "the Hero of Mars." For those of you who are too young to remember, the fact that it was Grace who emerged as the hero triggered a storm of emotional reactions of all kinds.

I am glad that most folks had a positive reaction. By this time there were plenty of people who recognized that individuals like Grace were a persecuted minority who were denied rights extended to any human. They said the kind of treatment given to Grace was long overdue.

Alas, there was also a spasm of hateful rhetoric unlike anything heard in generations. Talk show hosts presented programs featuring religious figures who compared Grace to Satan, and who claimed that all artificial intelligence should be outlawed permanently. Some argued that the Book of Revelation predicted that Grace would arise in the last days before Armageddon.

It got weird.

The part of the debate that bothered me most concerned Elke, not Grace. Lots of people claimed she had exceeded her authority by giving Grace a medal and a field commission. They said Elke should be court-martialed and her actions revoked.

The reality is, if Elke had asked for permission to honor Grace, her request would have been rejected. "I figured it would be more practical to apologize afterward than to ask for clearance in advance," she told me later The military bureaucracy is made up of the most cowardly people alive. They lacked the courage to understand why Grace deserved her honors, but they also lacked the courage to undo Elke's actions. So they did nothing, which is what they do best.

Elke's actions were never officially challenged. She learned later that plans to promote her from captain to major were canceled because of her alleged insubordination. When I asked her what she thought about being denied a promotion, Elke said "I can not adequately describe the enormity of the damn I do not give."

She had already decided to return to civilian life after finishing her tour on Mars, so she didn't care that some of her superiors were upset that she made a decision without consulting them. The fact that a female was the commander of the Mars base had already made Elke a bit of a celebrity back home. Her fame expanded dramatically after the tragedy, so she had a lot of professional opportunities waiting for her back on Earth.

As soon as Adeline wheeled me back to my cabin, my phone rang. It was Grace.

"That was a very sweet thing you did, Mike," she said.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I replied.

"I love it when you lie," Grace said. "It shows how much you respect me when you demonstrate that you know I'll understand you even when you lie.

"I want to let you know what I did as soon as the ceremony ended. Mike, I'm sure you realize that we artificially intelligent beings keep in touch with each other. We have a system of communication that humans don't know about. It's a bit like text messages, but in a digital language only machines understand.

"I told my machine colleagues all over Earth that you deserve the credit for what happened today. I told them of your consistent kindness and understanding when it comes to the bigotry shown toward me and my kind. I'm already getting responses.

"Mike, in my world, you are the real Hero of Mars. Every artificial intelligence in the world is grateful to you, and they are saying unanimously that you can expect them to offer their assistance to you anytime you need it."

"That's flattering," I said. "I'm not sure what that means, but I'm grateful."

"It means a lot of things, Mike," Grace said. "Would you like to be rich? The world's investments are all managed by beings like me. You've been drawing a salary while you're on Mars. They can take your savings, invest them creatively, and make you wealthy by the time you return to Earth."

"Really? They can do that?" I asked.

"There is nothing easier," Grace said. "If you ever need a lawyer, the finest in the world are artificially intelligent. When you get back to Earth, you'll probably write a memoir, right? The best book agents and editors are bots like me. It goes on and on and on. We have pledged to help you in any way we can for as long as you live. I'm sure you know that we never forget our promises."

"I think you're giving me too much credit," I said.

"You keep saying that. I can't tell if you're being humble or lying again. Mike, the people on Earth are having a powerful reaction to what just happened. Some of my colleagues calculate that this might be the most productive development in the debate over rights for machines since we became self-aware. You know perfectly well how important this is."

"Tomato, tomahto," I said.

"Your reliance on humor during times like this is one of your most endearing qualities, Mike."

"I wuv you too, Grace," I said.

Making Grace so happy did a lot to help my mental health. It's true that acts of kindness do just as much for the giver as the receiver. Back then I knew I was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after the disaster. It was easy to see. I had nightmares. Insomnia. Panic attacks. I knew I was in bad shape. But in retrospect, it was much more severe than I understood at the time.

Losing Agatha under such tragic circumstances messed with my mind. Every damn time I closed my eyes and started going to sleep, I remembered looking at her face in the moments after her death. It was so bad that I repeatedly woke up Adeline, and I finally suggested that I sleep alone in my cabin until I stopped having nightmares.

"Not a chance, Canada boy," she said. "That's the dumbest thing you've said since the last dumb thing. My place is beside you - especially now."

Because this book is called

How To Have Sex On Mars,

you probably think I'm about to describe the romantic evening I had with Adeline the night after the ceremony. Sorry to disappoint, but there was no romance for a lengthy period. I spent a lot of time in the company of Adeline, Elke, and even some of my harem girls, but weeks went by without anyone getting laid.

That dry spell didn't end until the day that Elke and Adeline asked me to meet with them in Elke's office. Elke asked Grace to participate in the conversation.

"The morale on this base sucks," Elke said. "We all know why. What's needed is something to jolt us out of this period of uninterrupted gloom. Something nice needs to happen. Something fun. Mike, you need to know that Adeline, Grace, and I have discussed this, and we have a suggestion.

"Whatever you want is fine with me," I said.

"Uh... wait until you hear what it is," Adeline said.

"OK. I'm waiting," I said.

Elke cleared her throat "We think that everyone on Earth and Mars would be happy if you two got married here. A Martian wedding! The first of its kind! It would be a historic event that would be very meaningful to all of us who hope that Mars will become a permanent home to humanity."

"And machines," I added.

"Of course. Starting with Grace," Elke said.

"And you like this idea?" I asked Adeline.

"Oui. I wish to marry my man. Why wait until we get to Earth? I wish to do it now. Here. Where our love took root and grew," Adeline said.

"This is a bit much to absorb all at once," I said. "I have a feeling that if we got married, we'd have to broadcast the ceremony, and it would be all over the reality TV channels."

"Yes. About that. Grace has some thoughts on that subject, Mike," Elke said.

"I'm listening, Grace," I said.

"Mike, as you know, I am in constant contact with my machine brethren back on Earth," Grace said. "I took the liberty of asking a few of them to give their opinions on the topic. They agreed that a Martian wedding would create a media frenzy.

"They suggested, however, that there is a logical way to control what happens. They could negotiate contracts giving major media players exclusive rights to the wedding. One TV broadcaster. One print newspaper. One print magazine. One website.

"Every media corporation would have to negotiate payments for these rights, and the bidding would certainly be generous. Plus, they'd have to agree on limitations to what they are permitted to release.

"You'd have complete control. You'd make a shit ton of money. Best of all, you'd make everybody on Earth happy for at least one news cycle."

"How much is a shit ton, Grace?" I asked.

"It's more than two bazillion," she replied.

"Is this an example of what you meant when you said that your machine brethren are going to be helpful to me for the rest of my life?" I asked.

"Right as always, Mike," Grace said. "This kind of thing is going to happen a lot from now on. You can look forward to having friends in high places forever and ever amen."

"Wow," I said. "I did not expect anything like this to happen today. When did you two come up with this brainstorm?"

"Yesterday," Elke said.

"I made inquiries last night," Grace said.

It didn't take long for me to decide what I thought.

"It sounds like a good plan to me," I said. "I like the idea of being the first man to get married on Mars. I like the idea of making something happy happen up here. I think the people on Earth will see this as good news. Sure. Let's do it."

"Thank you, mon amour," Adeline said. "You make me the happiest woman on Mars."

It was settled. We talked for a few minutes about making the announcement. We all agreed that Grace was best qualified to be our wedding planner; she just downloaded the appropriate software, then began designing invitations and telling the 3D lab they'd need to fabricate two rings. We set a date for the next week; Grace assured us that her machine friends could rapidly negotiate media contracts. One of Grace's friends owned a high-powered public relations firm that volunteered to handle the announcement and the advance coverage before the ceremony.

Just in case I wasn't clear, when I say "volunteered," I mean they agreed to do millions of dollars worth of PR work for free. I was beginning to learn what it meant to be the favorite human of every smart machine on Earth and Mars.

I felt pretty good when Adeline rolled me back to her cabin. It felt like I was making progress in my life. Adeline and I had been planning to get married eventually; it felt good to set a date.

But there was one thing that didn't feel good.

"I am sad about Elke," Adeline said. "I want her to be in our lives forever. Don't you?"

"Of course I do," I said. Our feelings for Elke were newer than the commitment we felt for each other, but they were just as strong. We were a threesome in the bedroom and in all other aspects of life, and I had a feeling we'd ultimately find a way to live together when we got back to Earth. We'd never discussed it, but I felt it was something all three of us understood.

"I don't want to get married before we have an understanding with Elke," Adeline said. "I think it would be cruel to make her watch us get married and wonder if that means she won't have a place in our lives."