I was hungry as fuck. I opened up a kitchen cabinet and rummaged around. Ok, here we go. Cocoa Crackles. My favorite cereal. I opened the box and looked inside. There was exactly one cocoa crackle left. I put the box back where I found it and opened another cabinet. Inside was a sandwich bag filled with cereal. I couldn't tell what kind. I must have packed it for a hike. I opened the plastic bag and dumped the cereal in a bowl. I poured milk over it and put a spoonful in my mouth. Instead of a satisfying crunch, I encountered stale chewiness. I thought about spitting it out but decided to eat it anyway. I needed something to steady myself after a rough night. I offered some to Backseat Betty. Backseat Betty is my inflatable sex doll. She declined of course. Backseat Betty can't have liquids. I continued to wolf down the stale cereal and had almost finished the bowl when my cellular phone started to vibrate. I opened it up and saw a text from my girlfriend Sabrina.
The text said: Tell me more about Mike and Spike.
A cold feeling came over me. How did she know about THOSE guys??? It suddenly hit me. I had mentioned Mike and Spike last night when we were talking on the phone. I had eaten some mushrooms and was talking shit like I do when I'm high. Memories of the conversation piled up like a car wreck in my brain. I had told Sabrina everything I'd ever fantasized about doing to her sexually , and even came up with a few new things on the spot. To top it off I told her that I wanted to share her with two friends of mine, Mike and Spike. How she reacted to that, and what I said after, were too blurry to recall.
And now here she was, texting me for further clarification. I dialed her number and listened with bated breath as the phone rang.
Sabrina answered. "Hello?"
I cleared my throat. "Hey, I just got your text."
"So who are Mike and Spike? Are they friends of yours?"
"Not exactly."
"All those things you were talking about last night -- all the sexual stuff you said you wanted to do -- was that for real? Or was that just something you said for my benefit?"
I took a deep breath. "I don't remember everything I said -- the fact is that I was high on mushrooms -- but, generally speaking, the shit I talk about when I'm high is for the purpose of feeding my own sexual demons. So the answer is no, it wasn't for your benefit. It was me feeding my demons."
"Ok. I figured as much. But who are Mike and Spike?"
"Mike and Spike are two characters I invented so I could fuck you harder."
"What? What is that supposed to mean?"
"Remember the first time we had sex and you said you wanted it really rough? You told me that if things got too crazy you would just use the safe word. I said fine and started pouring on the heat. I was trying to get you to say the safe word. At one point I remember wishing I had some other guys with me so we could give you a gang bang. In my mind I pictured these two guys -- real alpha-male sleazebag type guys -- and named them Mike and Spike."
"Hmm. That's kinda weird."
"Yeah, but it worked. I imagined how these guys would fuck you, and then I acted out the part. You told me later that it was the roughest sex you'd ever had. And, in case you forgot, you had to use the safe word. But not because I was hurting you. You told me it was because your orgasm was too intense. You needed me to slow down so that you wouldn't cum too hard."
"I remember it alright. You fucked me really good. But let me get this straight: When you were fucking me, you were pretending to be two guys?"
"Yeah. It was like a one-man gangbang."
"That's pretty hot."
"Pretending to be Mike and Spike has come in handy a bunch of times since then. But now it's turning into a problem."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because Mike and Spike don't just come when I need them. They show up whenever I'm in a certain state of mind, like when I do mushrooms. And this worries me. Because while I consider myself a gentleman with sleazebag tendencies, Mike and Spike are sleazebags to the core."
Sabrina paused. "Okay, so I'm just curious. What do you think Mike and Spike would do with me if they had the opportunity? Like if they could do whatever they wanted."
"I couldn't say. And I'm not trying to be evasive. The fact is that Mike and Spike aren't in my brain right now. And to get them back I would have to eat a mushroom."
Sabrina groaned. "Look. We both know that Mike and Spike are aspects of your own twisted psyche. So stop hiding behind excuses and just tell me what they would do with me."
"I just told you, I can't answer that question because they're not here. And the only way I can bring them back is if I eat a mush..."
My eye fell to the half-eaten bowl of cereal on the counter. Instead of stale cereal I saw a bunch of motorcycle helmets floating in a sea of milk. I squinted. Oh shit. Those aren't motorcycle helmets. Those are mushrooms. My heart skipped a beat. I had eaten a hundred dollars worth of mushrooms. About five times the normal amount. What the fuck was I going to do now???
"Listen baby, I've got a real problem here. I just ate thirty mushrooms. I thought they were cereal. I think I need to go to the hospital."
"Don't worry," Sabrina said. "I'll be right there." She hung up the phone.
I sat down and looked around the room. Shadows danced in the corners. Maybe it was a trick of the light but the shadows seemed to have heads topped with horns.
I don't know how long I sat there but at some point a thunderclap shook the house. I went to the window to see if it was raining. It was totally dry outside. A second thunderclap rocked the foundation of the building. I realized then that it wasn't thunder. It was someone knocking at the door. I walked down the hall. When I looked through the peephole I saw Sabrina's face distorted in convex. When I opened the door I saw that she was wearing a trench coat. In my overly sensitive state of mind she was more than just beautiful. She was a magical being that radiated sexual energy.
"Have the mushrooms kicked in yet?" She asked with a spark in her eye.
I nodded.
Sabrina walked inside and said Hello to Backseat Betty, who was propped up against the wall. She put down her purse and unbuttoned her trench coat. Underneath it she was wearing high heels and panties and nothing else.
"Don't worry sweetheart," she said. "We're gonna have a good time tonight. I'm going to let you live out your wildest fantasies. I've decided that you and your friends Mike and Spike are going to fuck me tonight."
"Really?" I asked.
Sabrina flashed her beautiful smile. "I'll do anything," she said. "And I mean ANYTHING." She pulled a joint out of her trench coat and a lighter. She flicked the lighter and a flame jumped up like a jack-in-the-box puppet. I watched her mouth as she sucked on the joint. She held in the air for a moment and then blew it in my face. The air from her lungs was warm and sweet. I felt my dick getting hard.
"Do that again," I said.
Again, she exhaled, blowing the smoke in my face. I breathed in as she did. The whole time I was looking at her beautiful face and looking at her mouth in particular. God I love that mouth. I had lost all sense of courtesy. But Sabrina didn't mind. She smiled and licked her lips.
"Do whatever you want to me." Her voice betrayed her eagerness. "If you get too rough, I'll use the safe word."
I decided then and there that I would let nothing but my own selfish desires dictate how I treated this woman. If she enjoyed it, all the better. But from now on I would think only of myself. As odd as it may sound, what I wanted to do most in that moment, as I watched Sabrina's mouth, was to simply kiss her. Not as a replacement for sex. But as a prelude to the evilest sex imaginable. A way of apologizing for the sins I was about to commit.
And so I did just that. I cupped the back of her neck in my hand and pressed my lips to hers. I tasted her delicious mouth. I ran my tongue over her teeth. I savored the taste of her saliva. I breathed in deep to gather as much as I could of her glorious smell. At some point she let her trench coat slide from her shoulders and fall to the floor.
I closed my eyes and thought about Mike and Spike.
Can you hear me Mike and Spike? Help me turn this beautiful woman into a cum-gargling whore.
I opened my eyes and looked at Sabrina's mouth. It was just as beautiful as before, but it looked different. Instead of looking like a mouth, it looked like a fun house tunnel. Yes. This beautiful woman was a carnival ride for my amusement. I marveled at her pink tongue and the smooth interior of her throat. Even in the dim light of my bedroom I could see her epiglottis. I imagined all the twists and turns that followed. What was at the end of this fun house tunnel? Her dirty butthole of course. This thought warmed my soul.
I grabbed Sabrina by the back of her head and led her to my bed. I pushed her down on it so that her ass was sticking up in the air. An air of sleazy merriment had descended upon the scene. Sabrina, who would soon be enduring the brunt of my brutish desire, panted in anticipation.
I yanked down her panties. I was about to throw them on the floor but decided to sniff them first. I put my nose to the crotch of her panties and inhaled. Yellow flowers bloomed in my skull. Then I moved my nose to the part of her underwear that rubbed on her ass crack. I noticed a brown stain on the fabric. I put my nose to the stain and inhaled as deeply as my lungs would allow. A musky aroma took control of my brain. It ebbed through my system and saturated the very core of my being. Though an accurate description of this smell is impossible, since the realm of the truly perfect is beyond words, I can capture some hint of its essence by describing it as standing downwind from a chocolate factory while a master chef grills a shark on a bonfire made of skunk bones. I held the smell in my nose until my head throbbed and then expelled it in a stuttering wheeze.
Sabrina looked over her shoulder. "Are you smelling my panties?"
I nodded with tears in my eyes.
"You're disgusting," she said in a voice that was simultaneously incredulous and bemused.
"You don't know what disgusting is," I laughed. "But you'll soon find out."
I threw her panties on the floor and spread her butt cheeks open. I gazed in rapturous desire at her puckered butthole and then put my nose in it. I experienced the same olfactory ecstasy but this time the funk was even stronger. After I took several deep sniffs I prepared to put my lips to her anus. But then I had an idea. I got off the bed and walked to where she'd left her purse. I opened it and found her lipstick. It looked like the color she had on. I uncapped the lipstick, spread her ass cheeks open, and drew a bright red circle around her butthole.
"Blow me a kiss."
I heard a kissing sound come from her face.
"Not with your mouth. I want you to blow me a kiss with your ass."
Sabrina strained. Her butthole opened and closed and let out a sonorous fart. I was impressed. Not only by the control that she had over her anus, but by her willingness to go along with my antics.
"Keep blowing me kisses with your ass."
With each blown kiss of her anus a puff of air was expelled and with each closure a tiny draft was sucked back in. The impression I had was that her anus was breathing.
I picked up the half-smoked joint, along with Sabrina's lighter, and lit it. I took a toke just to get the joint going and then I put the end at the opening of her anus. Her butthole closed around it like a puckered mouth. The tip glowed bright red. Her anus opened and let out a puff of fragrant smoke. Then I put it back in her asshole and her anus took another hit. I decided to do just as I'd done with the smoke that she exhaled from her mouth. I put my face near her asshole and inhaled. I breathed in the aroma and savored it like a cigar aficionado. It was the perfect blend of marijuana and her dirty ass.
I let her lipstick-covered butthole take one last puff and then put the joint out. At the risk of sounding maudlin, I found myself having the same sentimental thoughts that I'd experienced when she blew smoke in my face with her mouth. I wanted to make out with her anus. I stuck my tongue deep inside and savored the taste. I breathed in through my nose to gather as much as I could of her anal musk. I don't know how long I tongue-fucked her asshole but it felt like hours.
